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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH can get up with DS during the week?

127 replies

BPG20 · 03/05/2018 06:59

DS is 17mo and I am currently off on adoption leave with him.

DH doesn't need to leave for work until 9.30am Monday to Friday, which means he's back from work 30 minutes before DS bed time. We do take it in turns to get up with him at the weekend, but AIBU to think that maybe just once during the week DH can get up with DS so I can stay in bed for an extra hour? It would still give him 90 mins to get ready for work.

OP posts:
Shadow666 · 03/05/2018 08:27

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. I personally think that newborns and toddlers are the hardest work and really exhausting. It can be relentless. I hope he’s reasonable about it.

Crowd · 03/05/2018 08:29

Totally U OP. I like my 2-3 hours chill time before work to set me up for the day. You have all day at home and parenting is not 24/7 full on.

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 08:30

I think that DH is struggling to understand how what I do accommodates what he does. So he stays up late most nights watching a film or on his Xbox or watching football - which is his 'downtime'. Which is fine, but then means that he wants to sleep in later. So I get up with DS, do all day with him (the only downtime I get is when he naps so I try to fit as much housework into then as possible because I cannot do it when DS is awake, he sobs and sobs if he does not have my full attention). I'm then exhausted so once DS is in bed, I cook dinner, hop in the shower and then go to bed. So DH gets his downtime in the late evenings, but then also first thing in the morning because I'm up with DS. My downtime doesn't exist.

OP posts:
Eatalot · 03/05/2018 08:35

On mat leave. Did a few kip days last week. Vastly easier than staying home with ds.

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 08:35

@crowd have you parented an adopted child? One who cries if you go into the kitchen (even though they can and do come with you)? Soon can't do his breakfast, lunch, dinner, bottles, make him a drink, male myself a drink, go to the toilet, let the dog out or ANYTHING else without DS having a meltdown. My only grace is that he sleeps 12 hours solid at night, but then I never said it was 24/7 full on. I said it was 12 hours of intense parenting.

OP posts:
Maria1982 · 03/05/2018 08:36
  1. no you definitely are not unreasonable. He averages two hours more sleep than you? How is that fair?? Also you may be okay now but I doubt this is sustainable- you will just get more and more tired (and resentful).
  2. it sounds even worse from your last post - he takes his leisure time in the evening and then sleeps late in the mornings. You get 0 leisure time. I would sit down and have a proper talk with him. Tell him what you’ve told us ! Point out you have no leisure time (I assume if you took your leisure time while baby naps, the house would descend into chaos and no dinner pretty quickly!).
greenlynx · 03/05/2018 08:36

I think YANBU.
Your DH is at home in the morning, so he can get up and spend some time with DS and once/twice a week do the whole morning routine. Why couldn't he? It will be good for their bonding, good for you and not a big problem for him ( as it sounds).

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 08:37

And also @Crowd 2 or 3 hours of chill time before work is a fucking luxury not afforded to most parents. I don't think any parent of babies or toddlers is entitled to 2-3 HOURS of chill time, it's not possible unless it's at the expense of the other parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 08:39

I do go some leisure time - twice a week I go to a club for an hour as soon as DS is in bed. But DH doesn't have to accommodate that - all he has to do is physically be home. He can crack on with his gaming or whatever. Whereas I accommodate his leisure time by physically looking after DS and getting him up, washed, dressed, fed and ready for the day. Every day.

OP posts:
SunnyCoco · 03/05/2018 08:39

OP YANBU

DaffodilLover · 03/05/2018 08:40

When my dc were tiny and getting up at 5.30-6 dh and I always took it in turns to do the earlies - although I always did one a week more then him . I also did all the night wakings, which was a lot for the first 2 years.
I'm a sahp and he has a very hard physical job, leaves at 7.30am.

Even so he has happy to do those early morning (most of the time!) as it meant snuggles with the boys before he went to work.

We were always flexible - if one of us was super tired the other would take the early morning stint. The other person only ever got to stay in bed till 7 (apart from the weekend) but that is still extra sleep!

I don't think you are asking a lot, op.

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 08:43

I don't think it's sexism...it's just about the parent who works. Im sure the responses would be the same if the genders were reversed.

It is sexism though SandyY2K because even in that post you are valuing paid work outside of the home over the contributions of the parent who stays at home. And in the majority of cases, that is the mother.

OP posts:
adaline · 03/05/2018 08:43

I like my 2-3 hours chill time before work to set me up for the day.

Good for you. But when you're a parent, you don't get to spend three hours everyday just completely opting out of things Hmm

ToffeeUp · 03/05/2018 08:47

YANBU

Your DS has only been with you for 4 months and your 'd'H is already opting out from being a parent. Ofcourse he should be up in the morning and doing his equal share of the household jobs. He sounds more like an extra child than an equal partner.

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 08:50

I've made DH sound like an awesome. This really is the only area of concern for me. He pulls his weight everywhere else, loves putting DS to bed and spends all weekend playing with him and doing his fair share. He does a lot of housework, will cook dinner if I've had a particularly testing day (I usually cook because I love it and am a much better cook than him, he then cleans the kitchen). I think he's just got into a habit of late nights and late mornings because of his slightly later working day, and it hasn't occurred to him to shift his day time so he is awake when DS is.

OP posts:
Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 08:51

Not sound like an awesome - an arsehole!!

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2018 08:51

Yes suck it up. Surely this is what adoption leave is for? for her to do it all whilst her partner sleeps in and then tittivates about getting dressed for an hour??

How often are you actually working 12 hours a day
Every day before he went to nursery??? He slept better on the move so he'd end up napping whilst we were out and about. If he married at home then that was equivalent to the lunch break I'd have in an actual job. Whilst he was awake he still needed caring for and supervising and feeding.

OP you are NOT being unreasonable and you and DH need to talk about how you feel now and what gardens when you do beck to work

adaline · 03/05/2018 08:54

Just talk to him OP! If he's as good as you say he is the rest of the time, he's probably just gotten into the habit of taking ages and hasn't realised you'd like a break :)

namechanger14 · 03/05/2018 08:56

ok so in my reality, where being a sahp is bloody hard work sometimes (especially at that age), op I think u have every right to not only want to dh and ur ds (congratulations on the adoption) to have time together to bond, but to have a lie in just once a week.
If my youngest dd is awake when dh gets up for work he will spend time with her, get her a wash, dressed, giver her breakfast etc and let me sleep (if I'm not already awake) and then wake me up 30 mins before he has to leave (so I can wake up lol). It has been this way since our first child was 2, so 8 years ago. I think alot of that is he was laid off work just before dd1 was born so did the sahp thing for 2 years, so knows how hard it can be sometimes. He sometimes jokes to me that he's leaving for his break when he goes to work

SleepingStandingUp · 03/05/2018 09:03

I'm a SAHP to a nearly 3 yo. If he wakes up before 7 am (very rare) i get up. If he wakes up between 7 and 8 DH gets him up. He leaves for work at 8 so obv I'm up by then. We share morning parenting duties because we're both home, isn't that how its meant to work?

OP I think you need to sit down with a 24/7 planner and block out what time you each get as a family and individually and split it more evenly. Even if it means a long shower one morning in the week whilst he gets the baby up and 3 hours for a peaceful coffee every other Saturday etc

kkkkellovesorangesoda · 03/05/2018 09:04

If both of you struggle to get up at 7am on weekday, then you both need to go to bed earlier.

I appreciate you want a lie in, however, I would personally want more 'family' time rather than a lie in.

In my opinion, all being together around the breakfast table and helping each other together get ready is lovely.

I'm really weary of, you've had half an hour now I'm going for my half an hour.

MilkyCoffeeAndSkinnySyrup · 03/05/2018 09:12

That's what being a parent is unfortunately! I can't remember the last time I had a lay in.

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 09:15

If both of you struggle to get up at 7am on weekday, then you both need to go to bed earlier.

I'm in bed for 9pm, every night. It takes me hours to get to sleep, and I wake at about 4 or 5am and struggle to get back to sleep but do manage to doze. My 'lie in' is more lazing about in bed, reading the news. Basically just some downtime as opposed to actually sleeping. I agree that DH needs to go to bed earlier but he says he is just not tired.

DH and I don't eat breakfast so we aren't really a family of all sitting round the table together eating breakfast together every morning. DS won't even sit at the table - screams in a high chair or booster seat. The only way we can get him to eat is by sitting him at a children's table we got from Ikea. And I don't care what people say about bad habits because we are in the early days of an adoption placement are are doing what we can to get through it. We went two months of DS barely eating. I'm much happier with him eating healthy food at his own table rather than screaming at the kitchen table.

And we've enjoyed a nice chilled out morning today because I actually want downstairs at 7.45am and DH then went and got ready, so we were both downstairs with DS and ready by just after 8am so we've had this time together. But it doesn't seem to occur to DH that this is how it should be everyday. I'll discuss it with him this evening.

OP posts:
incywincybitofa · 03/05/2018 09:16

I agree with @Pink you really would get a lot more helpful/constructive support in the adopters section (click on becoming a parent) in the talk menu.
Those early days are emotionally and physically exhausting even with enough sleep, so you need to make sure you are getting enough rest, and your DH really needs to make sure you are getting enough rest for everyone's sake.
Also do make sure you carve out some you time.

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 09:16

That's what being a parent is unfortunately! I can't remember the last time I had a lay in

That's a shame for you, but that isn't "What being a parent is". If there are two parents living together, there is no reason to go without a lay in every so often. If there's not another parent about, then that's the reality of being a single parent...But everyone would agree that that's a very different kettle of fish.

OP posts: