Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH can get up with DS during the week?

127 replies

BPG20 · 03/05/2018 06:59

DS is 17mo and I am currently off on adoption leave with him.

DH doesn't need to leave for work until 9.30am Monday to Friday, which means he's back from work 30 minutes before DS bed time. We do take it in turns to get up with him at the weekend, but AIBU to think that maybe just once during the week DH can get up with DS so I can stay in bed for an extra hour? It would still give him 90 mins to get ready for work.

OP posts:
Whatalovelymug · 03/05/2018 07:46

YANBU

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 07:49

I'm really shocked at some opinions on here that I should just suck it up because that's life with a child. Yes it is but he is DHs child too and he is much more rested and relaxed than I am because of this.

Glad there are some posters who get it, thank you.

OP posts:
LivingDeadGirlUK · 03/05/2018 07:50

When I was on maternity leave I did all the mornings but there was a clear 'I'm going back to work on X date so we will be sharing then'. My partner is not a morning person but gets up the 3 days I work plus one weekend day while I lay in.

Op wouldn't be expected to get up all the time if she worked full time in an office so why is fulltime childcare different? I think one lay in a week is being very generouse to her partner tbh.

Charley50 · 03/05/2018 07:50

OP YANBU - personally I think it would be nice if you both got up early most weekday mornings, and worked together as a team; it's so nice for children to be around parents working together.
But yeah I agree that he could give you one weekday morning.
As a pp said, all the little things we do for or babies mean bonding and produce love, going both ways. So many people men don't seem to realise that.

knackeredandneedwine · 03/05/2018 07:51

I had a similar situation earlier in the week. I have 1 day off work during the week and get up with the kids on this day at 6. On work days i’m up by 5:30 (hour earlier than DH). Dh work hours are quite flexible and he seems to always have a lie in on my day off and goes in to work later. When I suggested he gets up with the kids sometimes on this day and wakes me when he needs to start getting ready for work he just said that he might as well go in to work early if he’s up. He’s a great day in all other ways but just seems blind to why this annoys me!

PurplePumpkinPiss · 03/05/2018 07:51

Oh well Speakout if your dh wasn't around then why should anyone else's be eh Hmm

This thread is as fucking usual I gave birth to triplets, in the snow, on my own while dh worked long hours bullshit again.

OP you are NOT BU but having a dc makes men selfish, or their selfishness more obvious. My dh is fab with our dc but he hates losing out on sleep so we found what worked for us.

If you doing all the mornings and most evenings isn't working then have a very frank conversation with your dh.

And to the pp who asked did you not discuss routines before. WTAF who even understands the proper concept of 'routine' until you have a baby.

Kornucopia · 03/05/2018 07:54

AIBU wasn't right for this post OP. A relatively newly adopted child is a very different kettle of fish parenting wise. Good luck with your little one.

POPholditdown · 03/05/2018 07:54

You haven’t mentioned whether you’ve discussed it as a long term change, just that you ask him on occasion.

Is it that you want him to offer himself?

If you haven’t discussed it I can’t see the issue as you’re both doing what you agreed (unless you have and he has refused).

He won’t be able to read your mind, and you say he doesn’t make a deal of it on the occasions he does get up so just talk to him.

Charley50 · 03/05/2018 07:55

Yuk sorry.. overuse of the word 'nice.' I meant important. That morning time is such an opportunity for the three (four?) of you to be together and for dcs to see you working as a team. ..Can you tell I didn't have that in my own childhood?!

NewPapaGuinea · 03/05/2018 07:56

He has what I consider a luxury of not even having to leave for work until 9:30. He can absolutely do at least one day a week. You need to set a routine. Pick a day and stick to it. If you try and spring it on him on a random day you’ll get resistance, but once the expectations are set and agreed he’ll be prepared.

Whatalovelymug · 03/05/2018 07:56

It’s fair to share that morning time, it’s a long day with a small child.
My DH has left before our children are awake, but they are (luckily) still asleep now, when they woke earlier we took it in turns. My DH also does most of the bath and bedtimes too. It’s his chance to see them. I’m a SAHP by the way.

adaline · 03/05/2018 08:01

When my kids were toddlers my OH would leave at 6.30am.

But that's totally irrelevant to OP's situation. He is around and instead of spending time with his wife and newly adopted son, he's laying around in bed then fannying around for an hour getting ready!

Having to leave at 6.30 for work isn't opting out of parenting - it's going to work. Laying around in bed/faffing around until 9am when you could get up and help, is opting out of parenting.

Two different scenarios and not remotely comparable.

alittlehelp · 03/05/2018 08:03

Yadnbu. It is not at all 'sad' for a woman to want a child's father to parent his own child. So much sexism on this thread.

Original poster
BPG20 · 03/05/2018 08:03

OP YANBU. Pity everyone thinks that his 8 hours is so much more valuable a contribution to family life than your 12 because he is a man earns money but hey, welcome to motherhood

I agree with this but the irony is that I am a significantly higher earner than him (he is min wage) and I am on full pay for the entirety of my leave. In fact the amount i am saving by not commuting is equal to DHs entire contribution to household bills. We are financially better off because I am at home.

OP posts:
hidinginthenightgarden · 03/05/2018 08:05

From day one of adoption leave we have alternated getting up in the morning. DD is an early riser and I could not have functioned and dealt with the tantrums etc that came each day if I started every day at 5am.
Yes DH went to work but as your DP, he was sat at a desk whilst I was at home with 2 kids. He took a day off once and had the kids whilst I was away. Even he agreed my day was much harder!
Plus if he isn't seeing him much during the week that bond will suffer.

Littlechocola · 03/05/2018 08:10

Have you discussed it with him?
I don’t think it’s too much to ask! One morning!

BodgingThisMumThing · 03/05/2018 08:17

Bloody hell OP it doesn’t sound like much of a 50/50 split. Get him up and out of bed at 7oclock. He can play with DS for a bit then go and get ready for work.

Me and my partner split mornings, I’m back at work now but did whilst I was on mat leave.

Reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend, I asked if her partner worked long hours and she said “not as long as me” whilst on maternity leave.

You need a bit of a break, get him to pull up his parenting pants.

Shednik · 03/05/2018 08:18

There are some arseholes on this thread with no knowledge of adoption.

Longlunch · 03/05/2018 08:18

Op, you are not being unreasonable. Have a chat with husband and agree which day or couple of days he can do that.
Having a child is not easy and adopting I am sure is not easy at all and you both need all the suport, so bonding together with child from early age is very important.
It sounds it could be solved by just talking and agreeing. No major issue.
Enjoy the 👶

SandyY2K · 03/05/2018 08:21

he is much more rested and relaxed than I am because of this.

Perhaps you could tell him this and say that just one day in the week would help you not to get run down and become ill. He can choose which day and make that the norm.

If you're going to do it...might as well get it to happen from now. My DC are in their teens now, but looking back sometimes I wish I'd insisted on certain things in relation to the kids. He'd have either done it or we'd have got divorced. Start as you mean to go on, otherwise you'll end up very resentful even years diwn the line.

My Dsis was doing all the morning childcare (for more than 1 child), except she was also going to work.

She ended up getting ill from the whole stress of it and was hospitalised. It was only after that her DH started assisting with the morning routine....because while she was in hospital it was 100% his responsibility.

Bigpizzalover · 03/05/2018 08:21

I work part time my partner works full time. On my work days my partner gets up in the night before and helps on a morning, on my days I am not due to work I do it all. When I go full time in Sept, we are going to alternate and he is going to do what he can on a morning to help (he leaves early to commute)

I think it’s fair for your partner to take on a day or twos ‘morning shift’ as he has a lot of time on a morning to get ready to go to work/sleep in - even if it was just getting your sons breakfast sorted and clothed to begin with.

You really need to sit down and talk about this now, as with you saying you are on leave I presume that means you are employed and will be returning to work? You need to start a routine ready for you going back to work.

Allthewaves · 03/05/2018 08:22

Nope nothing wrong with wanting him to get up. He does two earlier mornings with dss so I think he should get up earlier one morning with ds and you get lie in. That's fair.

littlestrawby · 03/05/2018 08:24

yanbu! My husband gets up an hour early (at 6am) to look after our daughter so I can have an hour sleep before he gets ready for work. Granted this is partly because i'm up through the night with the baby (bf) and he sleeps in a separate room for work nights but the point is we share the duties fairly. He also takes the baby as soon as he gets in from work for some play time and bath time. Its pretty cheeky that your DH gets a lie in every day!

Allthewaves · 03/05/2018 08:24

And congratulations on your gorgeous baby xxx

SandyY2K · 03/05/2018 08:25

So much sexism on this thread

I don't think it's sexism...it's just about the parent who works. Im sure the responses would be the same if the genders were reversed.