To think DH can get up with DS during the week?

[BPG20]

DS is 17mo and I am currently off on adoption leave with him.

DH doesn't need to leave for work until 9.30am Monday to Friday, which means he's back from work 30 minutes before DS bed time. We do take it in turns to get up with him at the weekend, but AIBU to think that maybe just once during the week DH can get up with DS so I can stay in bed for an extra hour? It would still give him 90 mins to get ready for work.

YANBU. Where both parents are working out of the home, they have to shift their mornings around getting a baby ready or toddler etc.

But when there is a SAHP it is easy for the working parent to delegate all parenting responsibility to the one who doesn't do the paid job. I used to use the phrase a leisurely poo, because although Dh got to have those, as a SAHM I didn't because there was a toddler in the bathroom with me as I couldn't even poo in peace.

I have been a working parent and for the last 12 years a SAHP. Dh is up before me because of his working pattern (in early, leave early for a family dinner every night) and he brings me a cup of tea in bed.

He would always get up to spend time with the children before going to work as his evening time with them was limited when they were in bed by 7pm.

I don't think you are unreasonable at all for wanting 1 lie in on a weekday.

That's what being a parent is unfortunately! I can't remember the last time I had a lay in.

Eh? But it's okay for her husband to have a lie-in five days a week while she gets up with their son?

Some of these responses are truly baffling. If he's at home, he needs to be helping out. He's not sleeping in because he's working a late-shift, or because he's just come home from a 14 hour night shift. He's lazing around in bed and taking an age to get ready because he can. It won't kill him to get up at 7am (hardly the crack of dawn) and spend some time with his newly adopted child before he goes to work!

Thanks incy and pink, I have posted there quite a lot under my old username but didn't really see this as an adoption issue because I still think given the circumstances that if DS was a birth child we had had for 4 months, DH could still get up with him once or twice a week. I guess never having been a birth parent I am struggling to see the difference between what are normal parenting obstacles and what are adoption specific ones

I'm glad he got up this morning OP - maybe point out how nice it was to have some time all together as a family?

BPG20 stuff anyone who judges how you get your child to eat. DS is tube fed because he won't eat. He does better now (nearly 3) but it's done with telly on, in high chair because he won't if he is sat quietly at a table thinking about it. You do what you gotta do.

That's what being a parent is unfortunately! I can't remember the last time I had a lay in I can't imagine how hard it is being a single parent where nrp doesnt do overnights and doing it every day in your own but that isn't the experience of everyone else. If you have s DP and you're still doing am that, then that is something you either sort or choose to do bit again it isn't the aim for most people to not have support from their partner

Thank you Sleeping I am constantly worried people will judge but all the social workers and health visitor and LAC nurses we see constantly all are just happy we managed to get him to eat! Often in front of the telly too just like your son. Needs must!

I once sat on the bus telling him what a clever boy he was, how brilliant he was for eating a crunchie bar. I got some interesting looks!!

He'd ASKED for food (uh uh uh whilst pointing desperately) so it was off the shelf and in his hand in about 0.1 seconds. He then actually willingly put it in his mouth and ate it! Hell yeah he was gonna hear how amazing he is!

You sound like you're doing an amazing job, my friend adopted a little boy and I can't begin to process how much more complex it must be to have a son who comes to you partly made

Sleeping that is lovely and did deserve a well done!

Thank you- it's definitely not easy but is just my normal as I don't really know any other way! I met DSS when he was a similar age, and loved him instantly too so it's very much what I'm used to 😊

It is an awesome age!

Def tell DH how lovely this morning was and how much DS loved it (because we ask know the kids have more power than us!)

I'm honestly totally shocked by some of the responses on here.

OP of course yanbu for wanting equal sleep! On so many threads posters bang on about equal leisure/work/sleep time and yet for some reason you seem to have just had criticism. Even ignoring the fact your ds is adopted, your lie ins should be fair. I get that adoption must be lots harder but even if it weren't, you are both parents and should both get equal lie ins.

A new morning routine really needs to be established here I'd say. Breakfast together with Dh perhaps giving you some time shower and get ready for the day by yourself too. He would then get some extra time one on one to bond with his new ds. I'm assuming changes will need to be made when your leave ends in anyway so start now.
I'm sure you'd love a lie it but I can well imagine how much it grates knowing he's cosy in bed while you sort a hungry toddler!
Your DH is lucky to start work slightly later than usual tbh.

It is sexism though SandyY2K because even in that post you are valuing paid work outside of the home over the contributions of the parent who stays at home. And in the majority of cases, that is the mother.

What I'm saying is that in your specific situation...if it was your DH that stayed home the responses would be the same.

As far as valuing paid work more...paid work is essential to have a decent lifestyle...so it is important.

For me...I stayed at home only for maternity leave (worked part-time). I'm not in favour of being a forever SAHP..... I didnt study to postgraduate level to give up my career because I had children. I preferred to contribute financially and maintain financial independence. I've seen far too many women trapped and suffering as SAHMs.

Having said that I wouldn't ever underestimate what's involved in looking after a baby. I've been through it twice.

Babies/toddlers need that early nurturing and one of my DCs was a little like your DS as a baby. Very clingy..wanted to see me as long as she was awake.

If I went to the loo she would cry...so I had to carry the baby bouncer upstairs and leave the bathroom door open. I hated the crying so she went everywhere with me ... in every room. I just made it clear to DH it was not possible to do much around the house in the day as baby cried if I left her.

I'm sure it's much harder with an adopted child too....as the bond wasn't developed during pregnancy.

It's just 4 months in...so be firm on it from now or it almost becomes irreversible.

When I didn't get the assistance I felt was needed I made sure it affected DH..so he could feel the impact.

Whether that meant I wasn't going to cook, or didnt go to visit his parents with him (and he didn't want to go without me) or I was too tired for sex...he had to feel the impact or nothing would have changed. When a situation doesn't affect you..there's a little motivation to change.

Start making it affect him.

So is looking after your child! What is essential for the OP's son right now is that he builds strong emotional bonds with his new mum and dad. No amount of money is going to give him a better start in life than that.

I'm confused. You say DH works 8 hours in a low-pressure job, but you do 12 of intense parenting solo.

What's he doing for the other 4 hours?

Couldn't he pitch in more and help you out?

Presumably for 2 of the 4 hours he is sleeping in. As per the OP.

@greenfingers - Sleeping, driving to and from work, and his working day is 8.5 hours including a 30 minute break. So yup, 8.5 hours at work, 1 hour of driving, two hours of sleeping. I may have overestimated my 12 hour contribution by 30 minutes.

SAHP deserves rest equally, looking for a toddler is very exhausting : you need to be active, always on alert, you can't really reason with the other side. Lots of people will say that their jobs are more relaxing.
Your DH is not tired in the evenings because he doesn't work hard enough, so earlier mornings are exactly what he needs. You can't go to sleep quickly because you are overtired, not only physically but mentally as well, it's very well known situation.

@BPG20 - so he gets an extra 2 hours of kip EVERY NIGHT? That is not fair. No wonder you're hacked off.

By the way, we had eating issues with our DD at some point ( she refused to eat) and we're referred to a nurse. The main advice she gave us: do things how the child prefers to do them to get her to eat, relax and then gradually build up. So if it's only on small table, in front of TV, with certain music on or even outside - do it and not bother if someone else doing things differently.

I think that sounds reasonable. In our house no one gets a lie in per se, but I’m up at nights with ds (10 weeks) and we co-sleep so if he’s still sleeping I don’t get up early for the sake of it. My dh does all nighttime wake ups with our 5 year old (which aren’t often but still he does them all) and he gets up with her in the morning. Sometimes it around the same time anyway but other times I might be in bed an extra hour. But I’m up during the night doing all feeds and changing.

Our approach has always been whoever needs more sleep takes it. There’s no reason for anyone to sleep an extra 45 minutes every day unless they are up during the nights. Your dh should as a rule get up and do what needs to be done around the house before work or spend time with ds rather than getting extra sleep every day. But when you both need it, you should each be able to get extra sleep. So if you need it once a week, yes, he should get up. Likewise if he’s tired or sick, you can do mornings. We didn’t do it on a schedule but based on need. But yes, everyone should do their part and having a lie in most days just because isn’t doing that.

I am completely disgusted by some of the responses on this thread.

Being at home is easier then many types of work says Minderful, who also helpfully points out she went back after 6 months as she missed the adult company. The lack of adult company and isolation is one of the aspects that makes being a SAHP so hard. I don't think you can see the glaring contradiction in your post Plus you went back to work before your child hit older baby/toddler stage which involves far fewer naps and different and I would suggest in many ways harder challenges.

SandyY2K's response suggesting she would feel bad lying in when her DP has to go to work is just bizarre. So he can lie in for hours on end as long as he eventually goes to work, whilst OP has to look after the child not only when he's at work but also whilst he's lying around in bed. I really wish you would explain to me why exactly he is so worthy of a lie in and OP isn't? I suspect as usual it's the old chestnut that paid work, irrespective of how challenging it is, is always valued more highly than unpaid caring work. This kind of attitude is just so damaging and completely devalues the work that mostly women undertake up and down the country.

OP for the record YADNBU, but you know that. Don't let those posters sucked into the whole 'maternity/adoption leave is a holiday" mindset persuade you otherwise. You are doing something hard and so so important, of course you are entitled to your fair share of downtime and lie ins.

Me and dp do what your suggesting op. He works days and leaves at 8am so drags me out of bed about 7:30. Ds is up bright and early at 6 . The next day I get up at 6 and so on and so forth.
Nothing wrong with having a lie in. We've done this since ds was a baby. I work evenings and it tends to work for us quite well.

YANBU. At all.

@BumpityBumper

You're disgusted that I said being a SAHP isn't as hard as lots of other jobs? Why?

There's no "glaring contradiction". Missing an aspect of work doesn't make it easier or harder, it's a factor in my opinion.

Now, I'm disgusted that you said toddlers are harder than babies. Absolutely disgusted. Beyond livid. My piss is boiled, etc.

Why did you go from narrating my post to addressing me directly?

Minderful
Yes, I was pretty disgusted with your response. I assume you haven't done 'most jobs' or been a SAHM to every type of child that has ever existed, so you simply cannot state with such certainty that most jobs are harder than being a SAHP. Such a statement is silly anyway as it would be dependent on the temparment of the child(ren) and what you as an individual find difficult/challenging. There isn't a definitive answer and I think by pretending there is one is so undermining to the role that OP and other women are doing.

And of course the lack of adult interaction makes the SAHP role generally more difficult. This isn't controversial and lots of SAHPs struggle with it. I don't know what you mean by saying it's a "factor", but it doesn't make the role more difficult? A factor in what? If you were a shop assistant and said you found the constant interaction with the public challenging would this too be just a "factor" or something that made the role more difficult?