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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - MIL clashes! Advice appreciated!

105 replies

katelewis1 · 02/05/2018 12:51

Hi,

Desperate for some advice.

I relocated away from my family after a long distance relationship with my fiance. We are getting married in a few months (super excited...) however there is a big dampener in the form of his mum.

Over the course of the past year, since I moved, she has become more and more controlling.

Examples include -

When I've gone home to visit my family, she has come into our house and "helped" - hanging her old curtains up in our bedroom as a "surprise", rearranging our living room, even as far as opening post.

She will "appear" as if by coincidence - she tracks my OH on Find My Friends app to find where we will be. This has happened when we've gone out for dinner, just trying to enjoy some quiet time in the house and, cherry on the cake, when we went ring shopping.

Organising dinners/family events at stupid times when I can't get there due to work commitments (I'm self employed) then making me feel like I don't make enough effort.

She has two other children, both adults with kids of their own, and I can't understand why she enjoys meddling in our lives. It's caused so many issues with my OH. I feel like I bend over backwards to make enough time for her in our life - I've cancelled work, friends, to spend time with the family, I took her wedding dress shopping alongside my own mum etc.

I have swallowed most of my anger with this. I have spoken to my OH about how I feel with her coming into the house and rearranging our things however I don't want to make my OH feel like he is torn between me and his mum however I'm now sat here fuming. She has just sent me a picture of herself in a cream dress with a white jacket - this is what she's planning on wearing to the wedding.

AIBU?! Any ideas how I can sort this mess out without causing huge issues right before the wedding???

OP posts:
UpstartCrow · 02/05/2018 12:54

Your OH doesn't have a problem with her behaviour, and that's the real problem. You can't turn her into a decent person but you can expect your partner to help enforce boundaries.

If he won't do it, either this is your future or you call off the wedding.

FASH84 · 02/05/2018 12:55

I'd text her back and say 'white for a wedding that's unusual, mind you at your age no one is going to think you're the bride'. She sounds like a nightmare

PotteryLady · 02/05/2018 12:55

I would text back looks great what colour are you planning on getting?

Returnofthesmileybar · 02/05/2018 12:59

Ok firstly, the wedding outfit is the least of your problems!! Text back "You're brave! It's lovely but you do realise you will look ridiculous"

Then get the key back or change the locks but if that didn't happen by the weekend I would actually walk, seems ott, but you only have to read threads here to realise that a life with a batshit mother in law and spinless Mammy's boy is a life of stress, fuck that!

Feb2018mumma · 02/05/2018 13:03

I honestly wouldn't have married my hubby if I knew how she'd be now! I get so depressed and scared when I hear a car door as assume it's her! She's always letting herself in and crying if I don't take her wherever I go, you have to be sure you can handle her forever before you get married. Am so sorry you have a bad mil :(

SheNumpty · 02/05/2018 13:05

Who wears cream with white?? misses point

hellsbellsmelons · 02/05/2018 13:05

Oh dear.
This is your future.
You see on here all the time.
Mummy's boys who won't stand up for themselves or their OH.
Take away her key.
Get your OH to take find my friend off of his phone.
Tell him to step up or you are gone.
It won't improve unless HE stands up to her!

SheNumpty · 02/05/2018 13:09

You have a huge problem if your DF doesn't see a problem sadly. Opening your post is mental (and illegal), I would have had my key back after that. It's very difficult when you can't get support from your other half.

Good luck with your wedding, I hope you have an amazing day and it all goes smoothly, MIL attire choices aside.

IJustLostTheGame · 02/05/2018 13:10

Talk to your OH. If he has no problem with what is going on then reconsider marriage.
I wish I had.
My MIL is a nightmare, DH thinks she is a saint.

bakingdemon · 02/05/2018 13:12

Why does she even have a key to your house? You must get that back and your OH must say that she can only come round if you've said it's OK. And he should block her from the find my friend widget - that's a very weird thing for her to do! He should be first port of call for her anyway - and so what if you can't always make family gatherings? You don't have to do all those things all the time.

2rebecca · 02/05/2018 13:14

Several things you MUST do.

  1. Get the key back from her or change the locks. Make it clear to your future husband that this is not negotiable and she shouldn't be letting herself in to your home.
  2. Insist your partner delete the find my friends app from his phone as it's creepy and controlling.
  3. Have a discussion with him about her and how the wedding won't happen if he won't unenmesh himself from her.

I wouldn't worry about the outfit. She will be the one looking silly.

justabunchofbunting · 02/05/2018 13:16

Think the key here is to have strong boundaries and to not let anyone make you feel guilty or compromise them.
She will cease trying to manipulate you if she continually gets no where with it.
RE the wedding outfit simply text back saying that she looks very nice in it but you would prefer that she did not wear white or cream in large amounts to the wedding as that is the colour you will be wearing. Then completely ignore any attempts she may make to make you feel unreasonable. If she does end up wearing the outfit to your wedding do pass comment on it and say directly and in ear shot of everyone else 'oh could you not find something that wasnt in cream or white as I had asked?' Do not get emotional or react to anything she says in an emotional manner.... just calmly assert your own boundaries.

Unfortunately your biggest problem is that your DH will not stand up to her or form a united front. All you can do in that case is stand your ground.
Be calm about it all but do not compromise on your own boundaries. Decide before hand in any situation what you will and will not tolerate then stick exactly to that. Doubtless she will try and emotionally manipulate you but try and disengage from that, you have no reason to feel guilty.

RE the coming in your house. If at all possible remove the key from her. If that is not possible comment negatively to her face every time it occurs that you do not like her coming in and rearranging things without permission. Then put them back how they were and return any items she has put there to her. Do not be made to feel guilty and do not emotionally engage. Just calmly assert your boundaries and ignore any bullshit emotional manipulation about it.

positivepixie · 02/05/2018 13:16

You really need to discuss this with your fiance to agree what the boundaries are. I would say no letting herself in and no 'find my iPhone' for a start. Cut this off now otherwise it will get worse if and when you have kids!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 02/05/2018 13:17

I hoped you took her old curtains down?! Did you have curtains up already?

Regarding the outfit personally I wouldn't bother saying anything, she's not going to upstage you, if anything all it will do is highlight just how ridiculous she looks.

Surely your OH can't agree with her opening post?

Original poster
katelewis1 · 02/05/2018 13:17

Thank you all so much, I really appreciate all of this. So glad I'm not the only one with MIL from hell.

My OH does understand but isn't great at enforcing. I absolutely lost it with her after the curtain incident and she was good for a while. I do feel really bad because she has been very ill and she has absolutely nothing to do in her life, no hobbies, not very many friends etc so I think for her this is her "something to do."

It's a shame because when I lived away I got on really well with her.

OH is supportive but feels very torn.

OP posts:
SilverySurfer · 02/05/2018 13:20

If the house you and DP live in was once his, it's obvious she is marking her territory - a bit like animals who pee to do the same thing.

As she loses control of her DS she's going to get worse so you have to nip it in the bud now or your life will be intolerable.

Any changes/additions she makes to your house - change them back immediately. Turn off the Find Friends App (presumably possible), if you are unable to attend things organised by her - tough, etc but your biggest problem is getting your DP to stand up to his DM while he's bogged down in Fear, Obligation, Guilt (FOG). Until he can do that, you will always come second and I personally wouldn't find that acceptable.

Bluelady · 02/05/2018 13:20

I honestly don't get the Find My Friend thing. My husband has it with all his adult children, I think they're bonkers. He was pissed off for days when I refused to allow him to have it on my phone. Your partner needs to ditch that immediately.

You really do need to get the key back, why does she need one?

And you need to make it clear to your partner that you're marrying him, not his mother. If he can't get his head round that it's not going to get better.

Fluffyears · 02/05/2018 13:21

Change the locks. If she says her key doesn’t work andswe with ‘why on earth were you trying to get into our home?’ Get partner to remove her from his find a friend, his mother doesn’t need to be on it. Leave the silly mare wearing her cream and white she’ll look daft but don’t give her the emotion and drama she is craving. Stop taking her dress shopping as she is not your mother, if she arranges things you cannot make well that’s a shame.

Original poster
katelewis1 · 02/05/2018 13:22

And yes, the curtains came down don't worry!!!! We have the most beautiful grey bedroom and were waiting for our new curtains to come. We had beige ones in there to make do and she put up literally poo-brown colour ones.

Absolutely awful.

She has a key because we used to ask if she was passing, if she could check on the dogs if we were out all day. This is how the rearranging/"helping" etc started. She also fed the fish when we went on hols a few months ago.

I'm absolutely filled with dread knowing that she will be coming in every other day when we are on our honeymoon to "feed the fish!"

OP posts:
ILikeMyChickenFried · 02/05/2018 13:22

Nothing funnier/ sadder than a mother of the groom wearing white. Everyone will know what she was trying to do and everyone will see that she failed.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 02/05/2018 13:27

Bloody hell I would postpone the wedding until I was sure the cord was cut.
Marrying a man who is already committed to his dm's happiness won't work out ...

diddl · 02/05/2018 13:28

Can the fish go to hers?

Can you lock all the internal doors & take the keys with you?

OliviaBenson · 02/05/2018 13:29

I'd text back and say 'very amusing, you nearly had me there! How many brides!' Etc etc.

Could you send the fish to her house while you are away?

You could do what another mumsnetter did and leave Australian emigration forms in a bedside draw.....

TomRavenscroft · 02/05/2018 13:30

Get your DP to take the key off her.

Get your DP to speak to her about her turning up. If she does turn up at your house, say 'Oh, it's just me and DP tonight' and usher her out.
At dinner, say the same and then get up and leave if she doesn't.

When she tries to make you feel like you don't make enough effort at dinners/family events, laugh lightly and say 'Oh, you know very well when I could and couldn't make it; it was your choice to arrange it for this time,' then change the subject.

Tell your DP in advance that you are going to start doing all these things.

tradervictoria · 02/05/2018 13:34

Read up about stalking.