AIBU - MIL clashes! Advice appreciated!

[katelewis1]

Hi,

Desperate for some advice.

I relocated away from my family after a long distance relationship with my fiance. We are getting married in a few months (super excited...) however there is a big dampener in the form of his mum.

Over the course of the past year, since I moved, she has become more and more controlling.

Examples include -

When I've gone home to visit my family, she has come into our house and "helped" - hanging her old curtains up in our bedroom as a "surprise", rearranging our living room, even as far as opening post.

She will "appear" as if by coincidence - she tracks my OH on Find My Friends app to find where we will be. This has happened when we've gone out for dinner, just trying to enjoy some quiet time in the house and, cherry on the cake, when we went ring shopping.

Organising dinners/family events at stupid times when I can't get there due to work commitments (I'm self employed) then making me feel like I don't make enough effort.

She has two other children, both adults with kids of their own, and I can't understand why she enjoys meddling in our lives. It's caused so many issues with my OH. I feel like I bend over backwards to make enough time for her in our life - I've cancelled work, friends, to spend time with the family, I took her wedding dress shopping alongside my own mum etc.

I have swallowed most of my anger with this. I have spoken to my OH about how I feel with her coming into the house and rearranging our things however I don't want to make my OH feel like he is torn between me and his mum however I'm now sat here fuming. She has just sent me a picture of herself in a cream dress with a white jacket - this is what she's planning on wearing to the wedding.

AIBU?! Any ideas how I can sort this mess out without causing huge issues right before the wedding???

She's wearing white to the wedding? Cue concerned phone calls to everyone especially your most gossipy relatives, " please don't say anything to her about how inappropriate her outfit is, she honestly doesn't realise and I would hate her to be embarrassed"

Someone will tell her, but it won't have come from you!

Why has your dp left the phone finding thing on? I mean, after the first time? Is it that he isn't bothered, as this will make it harder for you.

Mmm very difficult if you are relying on her to do some things for you like the fish/dogs etc. You can’t really change locks and get the key off her if you need her help that way.

You hsve a choice. Either so as pps suggest and lock her out. You would then need to use a kennels or get someone else to sort or put up with it until after the honeymoon and then change locks and keys etc. Problem eventually sorted.

The find friends app is crazy so tell your oh to delete that. Problem sorted.

The dress I would ignore. It’s a non issue and no one will care except to piss take and that’s her look out.

So my advice would be hold your nerve until after the honeymoon and then make your changes.

viques Great idea I'm going to do that now...!

Ok.

Firstly, read some of the MIL from hell threads on here. You're not overreacting - shit like this breaks relationships, it really does.

It can be sorted- but ONLY if a. you have a partner who is 100% on side, and always will be, and is prepared to upset his mother for it, and b. if you are also prepared to totally, utterly lose your shit, up to and including cancelling weddings, getting keys back, and moving further away.

The key thing is this. She wants to control. If you and he stand firm together and totally refuse that, permanently, she will hate it but she will (with a few truly batshit exceptions) accept it in the end - because she'd rather do that than lose her son and grandchildren etc. But - she has to really believe that she will lose you both permanently. So you need to go nuts. You need to spell it out: you won't be controlling me, our marriage, our children. If you don't accept that we will shut you out.

If you can do this, chances are you can sort it. And sorting it means that eventually, everyone is happy. It means you can have a relationship. It means your OH not being in the middle because he's on your side where he should be and his mum knows it. It means no hatred and rows and constant sniping and awful times when children are born etc.

If you muddle along blowing up now and again but never really getting tough - then this just goes on. She'll always interfere. She'll continue to play off your H against you because it works. She'll wreck important moments until you genuinely dislike - even hate her. That's crap for her too, really. You won't want her round your kids too much. You won't want her babysitting of having them over because you feel she's waiting to take over. You'll automatically be on alert and ready to shut her out when you can, just to get some peace.

So - tackle it. Really tackle it. Right now, I'd be speaking to your DF and saying that something needs saying and if it isn't, the wedding has to wait. No she can't wear white to your wedding and your DF has to ask her why she wants to. Find someone else to feed ths fish and get him to tell her straight: 'we don't want you having a key, because you don't respect our boundaries - if we're going to get along after the wedding and you want to see us regularly, there has to be some distance.'

So -

1. the tracker goes off,

1. the key is taken off her for good (don't give her warning - she'll cut another)

1. you spell it out to your DF that if he feels 'torn' about his mother interfering in his relationship, rather than angry and keen to draw strong boundaries, then he's not ready to get married and you should postpone.

1. If you live close - move further away.

What FizzyGreenWater wrote in its entirety. This is your future if you do not act now.

Your fiancé needs to address his fear, obligation and guilt re his mother asap because if he does not, all this and more besides from his mother will come back and haunt him. His own inertia too when it comes to his mother simply hurts him as well as you.

I havent had time to read the full thread... but change the bloody locks!

My exMil did this.

'Wouldnt this look lovely here?'

No. No it bloody doesnt unless you are trying to recreate your DS' home in mine. PS. I fucking hate your yellow curtains.

You could do what another mumsnetter did and leave Australian emigration forms in a bedside draw.....

Inspired!

Thank you all.

I do need to get this sorted asap. It's filling me with dread every time she calls me - "come for dinner tonight.." "I'm really sorry I'm working late" then 5 mins later, the fb post about people letting you down all the time/not making an effort....

I think pp's ideas about sucking this up until the honeymoon is after... god forbid my OH's fish die lol.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil yes exactly.... I don't want my home to look like a f* ugly fleamarket

The wedding outfit is the least of your worries, everyone will be thinking what a bitch and how ridiculous she looks. Forget about the outfit .
Change the locks in the house and explain that you have had things moved and you are very worried and don't know what is going on, failing that just have a great row with her now before the wedding and get it over with. It is not you op.

Move very far away.

I don't get the "no-one else can wear white/ivory/cream" thing.

My mum , my MIL , my SIL and neice all wore ivory - as did I - at my wedding - they all looked nice and summery - I (of course) looked stunning and like the only bride there.

(my stepmother wore bright - BRIGHT pink and stood out like a sore thumb, but that is another story...)

Would definitely just sit down with her and have a chat about boundaries and expectations, would remove the find my phone/friend from DH phone (or he leaves it at home when out with you), and would discuss expectations over key use. You are all grown-ups, so I'm sure you can work it out.

If you can’t find an alternative for fishsitting, put a lock on your bedroom door.

It will drive her crazy.

My mil tried to organise dh's wedding outfit herself!!
We ended up uninviting her.
So she fucked up out honeymoon arrangements in revenge.
Be warned, she won't take well taking second place in your dp's affections.
And we have been nc for over 3 years with her now!!
Bliss.

Pets at home sell fish food that releases over seven days so no need for her to pop in. If you're away for two weeks maybe a trusted neighbour could be given the second pack to drop in and primed not to allow MIL in.

I think you've had really good advice here, OP, I am glad you sound motivated to take some of it. It's for the best!
My MIL is awful and my DH has always fought shy of standing up to her. I should have made him.
We've been married many years now but the only way we can make it work is for me to totally disengage from his mother. This is what I have done and I see her briefly about twice a year when it's completely unavoidable. Conversation is brief and just about cordial. On the plus side, I am the only one in the family that she doesn't even try to bully into doing things her way as she knows it won't do her any good. But it is all very wearing and it would've been much, much better to deal with it from the outset.

Are you planning on having kids? If your OH doesn’t deal with this now, it will be much much worse when you have kids.
Anyone who is prepared to go into and hang curtains in their son and DILs bedroom will have no problems in sticking their oar in with your kids.

You wouldn’t have a problem with MIL if your OH dealt with it.l and shut her down.

I say postpone the wedding until you’ve had some serious marriage counselling and you see a step change in his behaviour.

Don’t marry him hoping a ring on your finger will make it better and he’ll change. If anything marrying will make it worse. This should be the time he’s treating you the best. Right now, his best is inadequate. Can you really put up with being railroaded by her and him just being ineffectual saying “oh you know how she is, just lie flatter” for the rest of your life?

Totally agree with FizzyGreenWater - wish I read that in my 20's, as mil made my life hell.
Don't let anyone control your life. Your Df must stand with you or its hopeless.
Let her wear the white, offer a tiara to go with it - Your guests will see it for what it is.

At my wedding mil honestly wanted a trumpet blast, and to come through a curtain when the cake she made was brought out, and had the biggest tantrum when said cake wasn't going to be on the table where we said our vows. ( stood between us) I can laugh about it. Now..

Mute her feed on Facebook. You can't stop her making PA remarks though and I think petty PA remarks just make the poster look silly. If she wants to get upset about nonproblems you can't stop her. You can only set your boundaries.

I have a narcissistic mother and brother, the latter of whom (unbeknownst to me) used to track my finances in spreadsheets. She’s also good for a while each time she’s been given ultimatums. The 7 day release food sounds great. Give the fish away if you have to. Your mil is likely going through all your drawers and looking into your finances. You need to devise a strategy with your oh and keep to it. If you are planning on having children, you need to start now. She will get worse. Perhaps she’s like this with her other children or perhaps she sees just your dh2b, I very much think she sees him as her quasi dh as my mother does with my brother.

Love the MIL wanting a trumpet blast. Some seriously narcissistic people. Quite sad it's always women who have problems with boundaries with their adult kids though. All women should have jobs and hobbies to stop them meddling when their mothering time is over

Get the key back.

You can buy blocks of slow-release food for fish for a couple of quid.

Wedding outfit...everyone will see what she was trying to do and will be sympathetic to you...or do what I did and get married in a colour!

Sounds as if she is lonely, are there no local groups she could go to? My mum does Tai Chi and goes on a few day trips with the church.

As someone in the same situation nearly 30 years ago, please think hard.
If your fiance won't stand up to her, run, run like the wind. It will only get worse if you don't both tackle it now.
Our problems only ended when MIL died. I only wish MN had been available before I married - she came close to splitting us up and I eventually went NC.