AIBU - MIL clashes! Advice appreciated!

[katelewis1]

Hi,

Desperate for some advice.

I relocated away from my family after a long distance relationship with my fiance. We are getting married in a few months (super excited...) however there is a big dampener in the form of his mum.

Over the course of the past year, since I moved, she has become more and more controlling.

Examples include -

When I've gone home to visit my family, she has come into our house and "helped" - hanging her old curtains up in our bedroom as a "surprise", rearranging our living room, even as far as opening post.

She will "appear" as if by coincidence - she tracks my OH on Find My Friends app to find where we will be. This has happened when we've gone out for dinner, just trying to enjoy some quiet time in the house and, cherry on the cake, when we went ring shopping.

Organising dinners/family events at stupid times when I can't get there due to work commitments (I'm self employed) then making me feel like I don't make enough effort.

She has two other children, both adults with kids of their own, and I can't understand why she enjoys meddling in our lives. It's caused so many issues with my OH. I feel like I bend over backwards to make enough time for her in our life - I've cancelled work, friends, to spend time with the family, I took her wedding dress shopping alongside my own mum etc.

I have swallowed most of my anger with this. I have spoken to my OH about how I feel with her coming into the house and rearranging our things however I don't want to make my OH feel like he is torn between me and his mum however I'm now sat here fuming. She has just sent me a picture of herself in a cream dress with a white jacket - this is what she's planning on wearing to the wedding.

AIBU?! Any ideas how I can sort this mess out without causing huge issues right before the wedding???

She has two other children, both adults with kids of their own, and I can't understand why she enjoys meddling in our lives. because they don't let her. But your BF-(I hedging a wild guess he's the youngest) he's used to letting her have her way. As everyone else said, he needs to grow a backbone. And you do too, lose the tracker spy app, get new keys and don't give her one, take her shit back and say, "Sorry, you left this behind, it doesn't really go, dies it?" message her back "Why would you choose that outfit? You know people will either think you're trying to outshine the bride or think you're a bit crazy? I'm sure you don't want that." When she rocks up, practice the same thing. "Well, THIS is a bit weird, anyone would think you are stalking us." Laugh but with a look.
But if he sees no point in challenging her, I'd be questioning my future.

I wore colours to both my weddings too. I look insipid in white

Take away her key and get your fiancé to delete the tracker app. What is wrong with him?

If your DH won’t stand up to his DM you have a huge problem . My first MIL was a nightmare, interfering , not respecting boundaries and, on one occasion , putting DS in danger. H flatly refused to back me up on the grounds that “ blood is thicker than water” . Divorcing him resulted in his family cutting out me and DC which, frankly, was bliss.
Thankfully my second MIL was an absolute angel.

Just reply to the text:
'LOL! Brilliant! Are you going all out with a veil and bouquet too? You are a riot! I can't wait to be part of your family xxx'

I would say something like: That's a lovely dress but maybe best not in white as people will disapprove and gossip.

Assuming you want to stay with your partner, I would get him to remove Find My Friends or turn off mobile data when you're out somewhere where you definitely don't want her to turn up. One thing that may help is to give her jobs to do that you are happy for her to do. Pretend that they're really important and that she'd be doing you a massive favour if she did them. Hopefully that way she'd feel like she was being helpful, but she would be less likely to interfere in things you don't want her to interfere with.

You can buy special food blocks that are slow release for fish so you don't need her to go in and feed them!

Take the key back!

So glad I've posted, I've beaten myself up so much over the past few months as my dislike for her has been brewing thinking "oh get over it, she's just trying to be helpful/friendly/nice." The outfit issue, by itself, would never even bother me, I'd laugh it off and am definitely not a highly strung/bridezilla type.
It's a shame because she can be really sweet at times and would happily go out of her way to help either of us.
This 100% does need to be sorted before children come into the equation. She's very old fashioned and doesn't believe women should have careers/hobbies/friends etc once they're "settled." I heard her slagging off her other daughter in law a few weeks ago, "guess what she wants me to have the children after school for tea whilst she works (yoga teacher), again!!!" then in the same breath, "I hardly see the kids, wish I could spend more time with them."
I absolutely plan to keep my business and my hobby (horse) once we have little ones.... no way would I tolerate anyone telling me I couldn't.

Totally agree with @FizzyGreenWater

You have to go absolutely nuts over the issues you are not prepared to tolerate.

Your DP needs to understand (and feel) that if his mother does things that you do not like in your home then the blowback coming his way from you will be far worse than anything his mother attempts. They want the quiet life.

You need your keys back.
You need the find a friend thing off his phone
No more calling round and dropping in without checking first.

You need to put these boundaries in place before the wedding.

Lastly, I'd also suggest taking a step back from his family. Don't engage and let your partner run his relationship with his mother. Basically, make sure that it doesn't impact you or burdens fall to your as much as possible.

chocolate worshipper idea about giving her an "important" job to do is a great idea!

Don't bother getting the keys back, get new locks and make sure they stay uncopied.

I would consider postponing the wedding until you're confident that things with her are OK.

Don't underestimate the long-term unhappiness that these situations can bring. In my experience, they get worse not better over time, unless nipped strongly in the bud and dp is fully on side.

I heard her slagging off her other daughter in law a few weeks ago

This tell you how she probably talks about you when you're not there.

If you decide you are going to tackle this I'd suggest teaming up with your sils. I bet they can give you some tips to deal with her.

Re the fish - you can get an automatic fish feeder, much easier!

It's filling me with dread every time she calls me - "come for dinner tonight.." "I'm really sorry I'm working late" then 5 mins later, the fb post about people letting you down all the time/not making an effort

You need to call her out on this. Before you end the call, say something to the effect of "Oh, and by the way, I don't expect to see a post on Facebook suggesting I'm not making an effort or letting you down, because of course you'll be aware that that would be totally unwarranted when you call at short notice". And if she does put something on Facebook, respond saying "It's not really letting you down when you give two hours' notice, is it? Could we reach an agreement that we each give each other more notice?"

One thing that may help is to give her jobs to do that you are happy for her to do. Pretend that they're really important and that she'd be doing you a massive favour if she did them.

Bollocks to that. She's not a toddler.

Kate

re your comment:-
"It's a shame because she can be really sweet at times and would
happily go out of her way to help either of us"

I am sorry to say that you have read his mother completely wrong here. Her "help" has been and is anything but and also designed to make the two of you (particularly her son and no woman apart from her is actually good enough for her darling boy) more obligated to her. She is very much a wolf in sheep's clothing.

You need to call her out on this. Before you end the call, say something to the effect of "Oh, and by the way, I don't expect to see a post on Facebook suggesting I'm not making an effort or letting you down, because of course you'll be aware that that would be totally unwarranted when you call at short notice". And if she does put something on Facebook, respond saying "It's not really letting you down when you give two hours' notice, is it? Could we reach an agreement that we each give each other more notice?"*

Well I wouldn't be that blunt I'd say 'what a shame you didn't give me more notice or let me know beforehand so I could have let you know when to expect me to arrive rather than ruin your surprise plans'

No to giving her an important job to do either; she will mess that up in her own fashion. She is also not a toddler although she is really an adult whose emotional age is around that of a six year old. It is not your fault nor your fiancé's that she is like this; you did not make her that way. I would also think it a given that she slags you off to other family members when you are not present either.

My MIL wore cream lace with beads to my wedding

So many people thought she was being horrible!!
But I just now see it like we have similar taste.

She's my MIL she is meant to be rude isn't she 😂

I have disagreements with my mum too.

But yes the dress devastated me and she looks out of place in the wedding photos beside me in cream. It's insane.
But she has different ways of doing things.

Actually this has made me feel cross again and it was a couple of years ago. My mum was going to talk to her about it.

What do you want to do? Do you think her showing up in that dress would just solidify the fact she's rude to all friends and family and gain you sympathy/ empathy.
Or do you think she will be doing it to be nasty to you?
Do you think it's intentional?

Don't let her beside you in any photos

I put a lock on inside of my door to stop the key problem

To be honest I wouldn't marry someone who had no boundaries with their mother. He sounds like a wet blanket.

Ps
Leave fish at hers x