AIBU - MIL clashes! Advice appreciated!

[katelewis1]

Hi,

Desperate for some advice.

I relocated away from my family after a long distance relationship with my fiance. We are getting married in a few months (super excited...) however there is a big dampener in the form of his mum.

Over the course of the past year, since I moved, she has become more and more controlling.

Examples include -

When I've gone home to visit my family, she has come into our house and "helped" - hanging her old curtains up in our bedroom as a "surprise", rearranging our living room, even as far as opening post.

She will "appear" as if by coincidence - she tracks my OH on Find My Friends app to find where we will be. This has happened when we've gone out for dinner, just trying to enjoy some quiet time in the house and, cherry on the cake, when we went ring shopping.

Organising dinners/family events at stupid times when I can't get there due to work commitments (I'm self employed) then making me feel like I don't make enough effort.

She has two other children, both adults with kids of their own, and I can't understand why she enjoys meddling in our lives. It's caused so many issues with my OH. I feel like I bend over backwards to make enough time for her in our life - I've cancelled work, friends, to spend time with the family, I took her wedding dress shopping alongside my own mum etc.

I have swallowed most of my anger with this. I have spoken to my OH about how I feel with her coming into the house and rearranging our things however I don't want to make my OH feel like he is torn between me and his mum however I'm now sat here fuming. She has just sent me a picture of herself in a cream dress with a white jacket - this is what she's planning on wearing to the wedding.

AIBU?! Any ideas how I can sort this mess out without causing huge issues right before the wedding???

As pp have said take a step back with his family, let him deal with them.

@monkeychickenpig

Part of me thinks I should let her be the bigger person and let her wear her dress, she'll look/feel stupid enough on the day but the other part of me thinks actually no, put your foot down here. I'd like to be able to look back at my wedding pics without my blood boiling.

She knows that her "meddling" has caused arguments between me and my OH before - it's an awful thing to say but I genuinely think she wants me to kick off to him and then for me to look unreasonable for doing that.

All the points about her being a wolf in sheep clothing are completely spot on!

I've just text my SIL asking to meet for a coffee and catch up next week. She's been in the family much longer than I have so will be nice to gauge her thoughts. I do trust her too.

In regards to the dress, I text back saying "really like it but unsure about the colour, I think it washes you out a bit"

I would sort this before you have kids.

MILs with no boundaries are a nightmare. I would forget the wedding outfit. If she wants to look daft then let her. Just don't stand next to her in official photos. What colour is your mum wearing?

The key is a difficult one if you rely on her to look after pets. To be honest the thought of her going through my things (classic one of people with no boundaries) would be enough to make alternative arrangements. Fish are easy to sort out even on holidays, dogs not so much if you are out of the house for long periods. A dog walker or a run with a kennel outside?

Block the find my friends on your phones. That is just creepy.

Re the stupid comments about family occasions point out you have a life and cannot be expected to revolve it around her. Believe me being firm is the only way to go. I did this with my MIL and eventually she got the message.

You should've text her back

'The outfit is lovely, it would be perfect in another colour, it isn't appropriate to wear white to a wedding unless you are the bride'

Get your key back.

You live far too close, you really need some distance and set firm boundaries.

Delete the find my phone app from DP phone

Change locks

But... don't tell her you're doing this. Just wait and see when she starts ringing you asking where you are 😂

Second what other posters have said about getting the keys back.

Can you get a neighbour to pop in and feed the fish? One perhaps with a fairly responsible teenager looking to earn a bit of cash?
No chance would I be going on holiday without getting my locks changed!

You need to put your foot down now, because I hate to say it but grandchildren will make this ten times worse!! She'll be there ready and waiting for your arrival from the hospital, tracking your DH on his journey home!!

Part of me thinks I should let her be the bigger person and let her wear her dress, she'll look/feel stupid enough on the day but the other part of me thinks actually no, put your foot down here. I'd like to be able to look back at my wedding pics without my blood boiling.

Personally I'd be inclined to let this one go. She's just doing it to rile you, so don't let her. Don't reply to her text and picture. On the day, consciously choose NOT to let your blood boil –it's your wedding; enjoy the day and fuck what anyone else is wearing. People will either not care about her outfit because they'll be looking at you/having fun, or they'll think she's odd/crackers/unpleasant. Who cares?!?

Mil you can't wear white - you aren't exactly a virgin...
And no to the special job, chances are she will fuck up deliberately.
Remember op SHE IS A WOLF IN SHEEP'S CLOTHING (A WHITE SHEEP OBVIOUSLY)!!

I'd tell her in a sympathetic way that everyone will be laughing at her as it's such a well-known NoNo to wear white at a wedding. Explain that everyone pokes fun at anyone who wears white, as it's seen as an attempt to upstage the bride. Spell it out that she'll be ridiculous and everyone will know what it's about.

As other pps have said, draw the lines now or give up all hope of drawing them later.

@katelewis1 that's ace
I can't believe you have had the balls to say that

Honestly I cried so much. She looked silly but it wasn't intentional she's not a wolf my one just a pita.

Deff get the advice from SIL

It might be able to get the message to her that white is like wtf for a wedding

X

What @bonnyshide said is so diplomatic I wish I said that

Great advice here for the OP

I second letting the outfit go as I think she’s just trying to wind you up and let’s face it you can’t dress her on the day!! She probably won’t wear it anyway if she thinks it wouldn’t rile you.

Again I think wait until
After the honeymoon as you need her help and then fresh start to change locks etc.

Fucking hell op have you told her where you are honeymooning? She may turn up if he hasn’t deleted that bloody app!!!

And forget FB everyone knows dicks who post like that and they show themselves up so ignore or defriend/block her I would

Honestly, you have 2 choices

1\ Move far far away

2\ Find someone else to marry

Your DP is well away of what she 's up to & doesn't value you enough to stop her. My MIL was similar, but not as bad. 1st time I met her, when I was in the loo, she referred to me as DP's 'friend'. My DP knew she was being a bitch, unknown to me he read her the riot act & after that she behaved. He made it clear that she was not to cross him by using me. If your DP can't see her for what she is, you are looking at a lifetime of misery.....why do that. to yourself?

The problem is as others have said (and so far you have not replied to them) is your DP.

You can plan a stategy all you want. You should. You can also deal with her directly. I probably would. It wont work unless he is on board with you. You have said that she has caused previous arguments and you suspect she is trying to do so now. She will continue to do so unless you both disengage from it.

Not been in this situation with a MIL but was in a controlling relationship. Appeasement doesn't work. I had to get out of it and I suspect that is what you and DH need to do.

@katelewis1 I wasn't entirely joking about the changing the locks thing... may have accidentally done it myself. If your door handles and locks are the same on the back door and the front door you can just switch them over. Its a thought.

My exMIL used to 'break in' to mine and give me advice such as 'you cuddle her too much and she'll never learn' (she just wanted a cigarette in the house which I dont allow).

Nip it in the bud now because it will not get better once you have children.

I wouldn’t wait until you were married. I’d start now!

I'm a mil and luckily I get on very well with my dil. I've got an open invitation to come and visit whenever, and she's given me a key. I try not to give her advice unless she asks for it although I know we don't always agree on everything. But I wouldn't dream of going through her things! Re the dress, I would say "lovely style, but what colour are you going for? Obviously not white, that's the bride's colour!"

Tell your DF if his mother turns up to your wedding in white, you will sit down in the pew and invite her to get up next to him.

My MIL actually issued my DH an ultimatum when we announced our engagement. Her or me ! Bad luck for her - he chose me ! The SiL turned up in white, but it back fired because everyone was highly amused. We have been NC for nearly 30 years.

I've also never completely got the horror on herenaround guests in white/cream for a wedding-especially when it's patterned.

What are you wearing Op & how does it compare?

If yours is full length bridal with veil etc & she's in a knee length dress/jacket combo I'd probably leave it.

Hello op :) you've had so much good advice here. Seven years ago I joined MN to post almost the same op as you and I was given similarly good advice. I didn't take it. I should have. I'm getting divorced because my H never stood up to his family and their behaviour only worsened and became more intrusive after our child was born. Your DP needs to step up, get on your side, and get his mother off your back, or you go. It's so much less painful to do before you marry.

@diddl I'm wearing a champagne/off white dress with a laced/sequin bodice - she's wearing the exact same colour, laced dress with a white jacket... looks awful together,. I took her dress shopping with me so she has a very good idea what my dress is like.

@MsPavlichenko + lots of pp's. You're completely right I seriously need to sit down with my DP and let him know how I feel about all of this. He's so supportive with everything and is a very kind person - call me naive but I'm hoping he does not really understand how her actions are upsetting me.

@dljlr - I'm so sorry to hear this hope you're ok.

I really do need to make sure my feelings are known and clear to him. Then, based on his actions I'll need to decide what to do.

Oh god Op why are some women so pathetic they can't let the bride be the centre of attention?!
My MIL would do similar stuff to yours like rearranging stuff in our house. I remember coming back from honeymoon to find she'd swapped curtain poles between rooms because it looked nicer according to her. My dh doesn't see a problem either. We've been married for twenty years now and sometimes I wish I'd been more assertive before we got married. Me being easygoing for so long maybe set the tone and she got used to getting her own way.

Mine wore an ankle length outfit I'm not kidding

Same as me almost

You are not making your OH choose. He's marrying YOU not his mother...
If he can't do it now he never will.
I'd still change licks and remove find my phone app from phones. That's just weird.