To disagree with nursery potty training ds

[Soubriquet]

Ds was 3 at the beginning of march and has been attending this nursery since he was 2.

It's a fantastic nursery and I've never had any problems with it.

However yesterday, they sent home a note asking for pants and spare trousers as they were going to start potty training Ds.

I don't want them to potty train him. I was waiting until the summer holidays like I did dd as it was so much easier when she could walk around with no clothes on, she understood better and was trained in 3 days. She was 3.4 years when I did it with her

I suspect they want him to move up to the next group and they require them to be potty trained in that group. Something that was never mentioned when I joined him there.

Would you speak to the nursery and request they don't do it?

My biggest problem is that Ds seems to be immature for 3. He has only recently started to speak in full sentences and even the struggle to understand him is difficult. I honestly don't believe he will understand it just yet.

I disagree that it’s totally down to the parents. The nursery have other kids to look after and don’t have the facility to be changing nappies for older kids. They will help you to get him potty trained so I don’t see the big problem. I’m sure he can do it at 3.1, maybe it takes a little bit longer but it will happen.

@getoutofthebath take no notice.

My friends DGC has speech delay and possible AS. He is nearly 5. They started training a few months ago (recommended by specialists) and it's worked a treat. As long as you recognise his signs of wanting to go (and a picture he can use is a good idea) it'll be fine. There were a few accidents in the first couple of weeks and the occasional one now but on the whole he's fine. You do it when you feel he's ready - and the same age as other children probably isn't it.

And as far as NT children are concerned, I'd rather get them trained in a week than dangle them umpteen times a day over a potty from birth as some used to do. No point till they recognise the need to go and associate it with the potty.

.Oh and as to the OP - it's her decision not the nursery's

We tried, he just didn't get it. Made zero progress at all in five days and was just getting upset all the time. What am I meant to do?

Wait till he's ready.

grumpypug

You have no idea...

It’s your choice and you’re well within your rights to tell your sons nursery you don’t wish to start potty training just yet. However would the nursery lending a helping hand in this nor do you a favour?

not*

Tell them you don't want them to. Bear in mind he'll need to be potty trained if he's going into a nursery class at school at 3.

Romeo because some children aren't ready at 3?

My youngest daugher was essentially toilet trained by her childcare centre. She’d been showing some signs of readiness around 2 which I ignored as I was fairly busy with her little brother. Following this she pretty much refused to go on the toilet until she was nearly 3.

She was at childcare 3 days/week and they took me aside and said it was time. I was a bit taken aback but told her what she’d said and that she’d wear knickers from then on and it was all done in about 3 days.

Why not give it a try? They do learn a lot from watching their little friends go.

I am stunned by some of the posts on this thread.

Nurseries and schools cannot refuse a child in nappies.

Many children do not get a diagnosis of medical or additional needs until they are older that nursery/reception age

Many children with additional needs struggle with toilet training, not just due to communication difficulties, but a range of physical, sensory and behavioural difficulties

For children without additional needs/ medical needs, it is perfectly within normal parameters of development to not be toilet trained at 3.

Pushing a child who is not developmentally ready can indeed have consequences, in that they could develop a tendency to withhold which can then lead to constipation (and consequent bowel damage) and problems with soiling. This is especially true of children with additional needs

Preschools and nurseries should be following the parents lead/working with parents to support them in toileting NOT taking it upon themselves to just crack on and do it.

OP, if you have concerns about your son's development then you should speak to your gp, or the senco should be supporting you in the best pathway to access support.

Finally - the way that some people talk about small children who are working towards a developmental milestone that many children struggle with, is frankly depressing. I work in early years and see it as part of my job to help support children and their families with toileting and self care. It is of utmost importance to me that when I do this I give them the dignity, respect and kindness that I would hope for anyone of my loved ones or myself when they require intimate care.

Op - if you do need additional support further down the line with toileting, I highly recommend these to resources.

www.bladderandboweluk.co.uk/

www.eric.org.uk/

How did it go talking to nursery OP?

Definitely tell them you're not ready. You're not able to support at home as you'd like to at the moment and you don't feel it's fair to confuse him by doing at nursery and not at home. You want them to wait until you say so.

IMO You have to wait till he's showing signs / you're able to did it the way that works best for you.
Id decided that I was going to potty train my DS at just before 3 in the August, but he wasn't having any of it. It wasn't just that he wasn't getting it it was really upsetting him. He's always hated being messy and despite all my reassurance and not making a fuss he'd be so distraught whenever he wet himself. He was so confused what was happening bless him. So I stopped pushing it. Left pottys in every room, used pull ups and encouraged him to sit on potty to 'see if anything came out' first thing in morning, before leaving house, before lunch etc. And then go on toilet after tea (his routine number 2 time!) But no pressure. Much calmer. Surprisingly for me poos in toilet came first. Occasionally he'd do a wee in the potty but it'd take him by surprise so not exactly a conscious thing! It took a while, but a couple of months later it seemed to suddenly click and once he'd done a few days dry & he could take himself to the potty/ say he needed a wee we switched to normal pants in about the October. Hardly had an accident since!

Luckily his preschool was very easy going and didn't bat an eyelid at him starting in pull ups. They just said they like to see children able to independently toilet themselves by time they leave to go school, but other than that it's up to parents to ask when they'd like support with potty training!

romeo
Your comments are coming across as extremely judgemental. Apparently you don't seem to understand that children develop at different rates! My DS wasn't potty trained until just after he was 3, as I waited until he was ready! That doesn't make me a lazy parent and that doesn't make him less 'normal' than a child who is potty trained at two 😡

I waited until both of mine were 3.5 Toilet trained in a week and only about 2 accidents.

I think its not the nursery's job to make this decision.

Ah just found your comment OP where you say he is only there 3 hours a day. Even less justification for them to make this sort of decision.

I think if you sign up for someone to care for your child, it's their rules, obviously within the law.
They will need child dry to move up to pre school, surely.
I do believe they should be working with you though, not just going ahead with a small comment to parents.

I think if you sign up for someone to care for your child, it's their rules, obviously within the law.

Not at all. If you applied this to anything else, there'd be uproar.

It does seem quite odd when he's there so little. It's obviously not their call however often he goes, but I could understand it more if he were there 50 hours a week. If he goes 3 hours a day, he might not wee or poo at all while he's there! Seems like they're going out and choosing a rod for their own back.

Laurie

If you want a different service you pay for something different.
I wouldn't have wanted someone else deciding when my child did certain things, so I didn't sign up to childcare. I did it all myself.
My friend who works in cc says parents think they are in charge and can say what happens when it's her job to parent (in loco) when parents aren't there. You have very little say as all parents will parent differently, and cc provision needs to be the same across the board, not one rule for one and another for another, unless of course you pay for 1 to 1 and then the provider will have their own way of doing things.

The nursery not randomly taking it on themselves to decide when a child will start potty training is not a 'different' service you have to pay for though. It's the standard service. If your friend doesn't get that, she's going to run into trouble sooner or later.

Everything in your last paragraph is wrong, gillybeanz

Working in partnership with parents is central to the EYFS, as is the belief that every child matters and that those in childcare should work at the pace of each child's developmental stage

How wonderful for you gillybeanz that your circumstances mean you didn't have to sign up to childcare. For many people it's not a choice.

gilly you're talking nonsense.

So if nursery tell me they're changing their menu and they're only feeding DS chips from now on, that's something I'm supposed to put up with? I don't think so.

My friend who works in cc says parents think they are in charge and can say what happens when it's her job to parent (in loco) when parents aren't there

Your friend is majorly overstepping her boundaries. They’re not abandoned, she is not their parent. And I say that as someone with the luxury (and it IS a luxury) of being a SAHM not having to rely on childcare.

Your friend’s statement is odd and not on at all.

Gilly does have some fairly, erm, niche views about childcare. Always best to approach with care and season with a liberal shaking of salt.

FostersHomeForImaginaryFriends
Trying before the child is ready can be very damaging.

crunchymint
No it isn't Fosters, that is an old fashioned Freudian idea

As far as I know it is not an old fashion Freudian idea at all but a physical development and health perspective. See link:
health.clevelandclinic.org/are-you-potty-training-too-soon/

From my training and experience a child being ready for toilet training is based on many factors including their bodies physical development in feeling and recognizing the urge to go, the sphincter being developed (a ring of small muscles in the anus that relaxes and tightens to allow our poo to pass or to hold on till we get to the toilet). Children are ready when they are ready, it should not have pride or shame attached to it nor the expectations of somebody else either. I have seen children suffering issues such as Re occurring urinary tract infection, bladder control issues and anxiety from being pushed into toilet training too early. On a side note, nursery staff should not be undermining parents. It is not up to them to decide when to toilet train your child.