Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

I think you have to ask your dds. Painful though their answer may be, if you don't they may resent it for a long time.
On the other hand, if you are concerned about negligent parenting then you should go back to court - although this may not be soon enough?

Ex-SIL called you inhumane? While they all stood back and knew what their son and brother was doing to you?

“Dear family from hell, fuck you. Any further contact can come through my lawyer. Sincerely Banana”

No way would I be letting them go.

Just explain that you have a prior commitment at a family wedding which was planned over a year ago, accommodation booked etc.

Sorry, meant explain to ex SIL, not to pisshead ex. You don't owe him any explanation, ever!

After everything you went through and his family condoning his vile behaviour if not feel one bit sorry telling them all to get fucked. They shouldn’t be anywhere near your kids but that’s the fuck up of family courts for you. I tell the sister she’s a joke and to stop contacting you. Enjoy your fanily wedding with your kids

. Is there any family member you can ask to keepan eye on them?

How about their father? If he wants them to be there he can parent his own children rather than getting shitfaced. If he isn't capable of that then he shouldn't be taking them.

she stopped them from attending a major family event out of stubbornness.

I'd hardly say sticking to a plan under a court order due to their father demonstrating repeatedly he cannot be trusted to act in the best interests of his daughters or provide them with any stability is 'stubbornness'.

Bullshit are they flower girls!!

Even if exSIL had asked your Ex months ago surely the lack of dress fittings/buying should have raised alarm bells for her. Why didn’t she get in touch? She’s had what, 15 months to sort this out.

And that’s before the lack of supervision/drunkenness issue. Penny to a pound of something did happen (God forbid) it would be you’re fault for not being on call/collecting them etc.

He & his family are still trying to bully you (and isn’t it odd how you weren’t family when he tried to kill you,huh?)

Time to go Grey Rock; no that doesn’t work for me, don’t give reasons excuses etc.
Your girls are getting to an age where they are going to start seeing the truth about your Ex, that he expects them to dance around him. Carry on being the strong woman you are and show them that this is not right and they deserve better.

Their Aunties wedding should definitely come before your boyfriends brothers wedding!

All the other stuff doesn't really matter. You shouldn't be using the girls to punish him for being a cock. Best for them is clearly the family wedding!

I don't think yabu and despite your exes sister seeming sweet, your ex and his mum are pieces of work. One is an abuser, one claims you deserve abuse. I would not trust them one inch and would be very uncomfortable given the piss up day. His sister will be enjoying (rightly) her wedding and can't be responsible.

Would you not worry that your ex would call you on the day and mess you around saying the girls needed to be picked up early- because everyone who could be responsible was pissed?

I feel for the sister and if his mum wasn't such a shit, I would maybe think twice but I don't think yabu in any way. I also think the fact that a judge told him to stfu means they have his number!

Your ex nearly killed you when pregnant, his sister stood by him with her family and supported him? Fuck her. Fuck them all. That ain't sweet, that's another one in a line of cunts. No wait cunts are useful and good.

If they were flower girls at your brothers wedding on your access day he wouldn't think twice about refusing and his language? To talk to the mother of his child like that I wouldn't feel comfortable letting him have the children, ask the children? I know I'd rather go my step dads brothers wedding that my dads sister (child of divorce and team mum). Also as soon as I hit 16 I stopped seeing my dad, when the children grow up they will see his behaviour and not want to be near someone who treats their mum badly!

They’ve only told you with short notice (and this applies to the sister too) and you have other plans; there may not be someone looking after them closely and he might drive back over the limit.

It would be a no from me.

On the face of it I would normally have said YABU and your dds should definitely go and be flower girls at their aunty's wedding.

After reading the thread however in your circumstances I would not allow him to take them and I'd go and enjoy your other wedding with your girls and your dp.

Your ex is a complete and utter selfish, entitled knob. I strongly question that the girls are flower girls at all (for all the reasons pp have said). this is a device cooked up to increase your guilt (and your 'd' ex sil is in cahoots with this as her loyalty is to her DB and not you).

The reason ex dp wants the girls at the wedding is so he can 'prove' to the wider family at the big get together what a wonderful father he is and what beautiful and delightful daughters he has. Once this is achieved - ceremony done, photography done etc the drinking and partying will begin and attending to the girl's needs will be not be a priority for him. It is at this point that he will decide they need to be collected by you and he will justify this outrageous behaviour by reminding himself that it is your contact weekend after all ........

Your description of what he did to you has just had me in tears. You are a strong wonderful mother to bend over backwards to still facilitate your children's relationship with that piece of shit. But you have GOT to stop letting him dictate and change access around. Someone up thread suggested that the court would not look kindly on you for not acceding to his request. I am not an expert but surely a court would have no issue with you sticking to the court order. You say that you wanted a court order to provide some stability for your children in which case in my opinion, contact should be adhered to the court order rigidly. Otherwise what is the point in having a court order?

He would never allow you to change a day anyway so you're losing nothing. I would set up an email address for him to contact you with and block him from all other methods of communication. Then you are in control of his contact with you and he cannot manipulate you. Or would your partner be willing to deal with the communication from him so that you are a step removed from his attempts to abuse you? He is using the children to continue abusing you. He knows that if he tells you to come and get them then you will which of course because you are their mother but he's doing it to keep you on the back foot. If he gets his own way this time then what is he going to try next time?

It is your weekend with your children they might be disappointed if he tells them they were going to be flower girls but that's life. He is not a reasonable person and as someone else suggested I would go grey rock with him. If he asks to change contact then just say yes or no, that doesn't work for me. I wouldn't ever say yes. Is the Christmas contact written into the court order because if it's not then I would be looking to go alternate christmases.

Please stop letting this man abuse you. Please listen to your dp. I'm a stepmum and although it's a good coparenting relationship, i can see more clearly than my DH what is going on with his child than he can because he is closer to the situation than me. You feel like you are stuck between doing what you know is the right thing i e taking the children with you and what you have been socialised to do, which is to roll over and give in to him. This man tried his best to kill you while you were pregnant. you don't owe him jack shit.

It must be so difficult because I know you're trying not to get the children caught up in this mess that he's causing. But you can't control what he does, you just have to be there for your children and love them and you obviously do that.
You do need to stand up to him this time. Tell him he's in breach of the court order if he takes them, and that's obviously not allowed, so he needs to go to court and ask for it to be changed for that weekend. If it gets granted, there should be a condition placed on him that he needs to take along someone to the wedding (babysitter) who will stay sober and look after the kids. If it's granted, then let him go ahead. Leave it at that, no negotiation, it's black and white, either the court lets them go or not. If he wants to step up and work together with you to parent the children then you'd be up for having an adult conversation with him about similar situations in the future and coming up with a solution that everyone's happy with. But until then, it's all via the courts.

All the other stuff doesn't really matter. You shouldn't be using the girls to punish him for being a cock. Best for them is clearly the family wedding!

Oh is THAT what she's doing? Funny. I read it as OP being the only person in the family that actually gives a shit about doing what is best for the girls.

I'm still struggling to see how walking down an aisle and posing for photos before being surrounded by a drunk group of people from a family that stood by when their father throttled their mother during her pregnancy with their sister is 'better' for them than the planned weekend with their mother. I can only imagine the bike they will hear after tongues are loosened with alcohol.

Even if that means they are a little disappointed now (and tbh I do expect ex will play heavily on the 'you were SUPPOSED to be flower girls but your mum wouldn't let you' trope), they will realise when they are older that their dad chats a lot of shit and Op has always been the one to look out for them.

Op YANBU at all. You sound like an amazing mum.

I've just read the updates.

Why oh why are bastards like this given access to their kids?

In fact, why is he walking free?

All the other stuff doesn't really matter.

What like their being no sober adult to care for them, like their father driving them home over the limit? really, doesn't matter? The only thing that matters here is the children's safety and it's quite apparent that their father is not capable of keeping them safe. I call bullshit on the flower girl story anyway, they would have told the girls if that was the case. I'm quite frankly shocked at some of these replies, we're not talking about a reasonable man here, this man is a violent abuser and feckless father, you'd think he was dad of the year going by some of these replies.

Under the circumastances it'd be a big fat no from me OP.

OP, as somebody whose Father sounds a lot like your Ex, I vote keep the girls with you.

I had to miss my SISTER'S wedding due to issues between my Mum & Dad, but I have never once held that against my Mum. It would not have been safe for me (at 9 years old) to go to that Wedding and be in the care of my Father for 3 days. He is an emotionally abusive, alcoholic, man-child who was not fit to care for me.

It sounds like your Ex may be the same, so I really feel for you and your girls right now.

What I would say (although my experience was over 10 years ago and I was only a child, so I may be slightly wrong) is that my Mum complained to the courts and it became that my father could only see me at designated times, in a designated (supervised by the courts) place. This was partly due to the fact that at a young age, I was so fed up of having to visit him in his awful bedsit, I attempted to walk home.

The courts told Mum that if I didn't see him, I would put him on a pedestal. So, I had supervised visits for a while and realised he's a dickhead. I then used to beg not to have to see him. Eventually, his shit attitude towards me became apparent, after I arranged to meet him in a public place and he didn't show up because "if I was that bothered about seeing him, I would make the effort." I was 11. I've been mostly NC ever since (where I can help it).

Anyway, my point is that, unless your Ex is magically father of the year when the girls are with him, they likely know what a shit he is. As someone who has previously abused you, I do not think you are under any obligation (morally or legally) to give up the girls on your weekend.

Fx this all sorts itself out for you.

I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't really want the hassle of having them there and having to look after them when he just wants to enjoy himself and have a drink. But of course it's a great way for him to try to make you look like the bad mother by telling the kids that it's all your fault they weren't allowed to go. Ignore it, rise above it, the children know you're the one who's always there for them and nothing's going to change that.

You need to make sure your children are safe. You have 3 young ones. I don't think I could let my DC go to the wedding as you don't know who will be looking after them.

You have other arrangements I place and it is impossible to do both. They are going to have to deal with your decision.

Do not enter into any discussion, your decision is final.
No, you are not happy with the proposed schedule and solution.
No, your children are not available that weekend due to an other commitment.
No, you will not change your access dates.
Of course you would have been more flexible if you could and it was discussed before hand.

I think it is the old MN quote "sorry, that does not work for me and the girls"

I would have said let them go but given there'll be no-one responsible to look after them (which would reduce any enjoyment they'd get) and he'll probably try and sabotage your plans, plus his sister could have got in touch earlier and had an adult conversation about it, I'm going with 'hell no'. (And that's without taking into account the fact that he's beyond being a grade A arsehole)

I agree with the PP who said, actually he doesn't want the girls there. He wants to be able to whine to his family/friends about 'bitch won't let me see my kids'.

But, again, the key thing to emphasise to your DDs is that you accepted the invitation to BIL's wedding first, and that it is rude to change plans at short notice just because you got another invitation. Because that's absolutely true, and they will be able to understand it, even if they are not already becoming aware that their dad is a piece of shit and completely untrustworthy.

mn goes blind when there is a wedding. after the ten minutes it takes to walk in a dress, what then? no care, lots of dirty drunks and being left with their violent father.

absolutely not.

The biggest stand point for me is him pissing around with his contact time, making life as hard for you as possible & ditching the girls when he feels like it. He doesn't get to dictate what happens on your time, simple as that. The other issues you've raised just back that up for me. If SIL wanted them there she should have spoken directly to you, simple as.

I'd say stop stressing. You have plans booked, stick to them. Tell your ex to shove it up his ass (okay don't but), he doesn't get to dictate to you any more. Wanker