Not allowing my daughters to attend a wedding

[BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil]

This might be long but I will try to keep it as short as I can.

My ex's sister is getting married in June. I am also supposed to attend a wedding where my DP is the best man on the same day.

This day is one that falls on a day of my access.

Ex and I have a long history with going to court for access. Ex is egocentric and rather than thinking about what is best for the children's stability always puts his own wants and needs before theirs in terms of access (got drunk/hungover a lot and didnt turn up- cue me getting a court order, changes shifts to suit his lifestyle and expects me to change both the children's life and mine to suit his).

His last shift change was a year ago and the court order no longer suited him and he turns up to avail of access as and when he wants. If theres a racing festival on, or a friend's birthday or the opening of an envelope, he will say he cant collect the kids at the allotted time.

I have acted over the past three years under legal advice because he is such a tool, that if he is not there to collect the children (notwithstanding traffic delays, legitimate reasons) that I do not have to allow him to take them.

He has been told by a judge to stop complaining and that he works around the children: the children dont work around him. He has ignored this.

I am truly sick of being treated like a doormat. Last week, he let me know with 1.5hrs before he was supposed to collect the children from school that he wouldnt be there and I must go. He has a conviction from ignoring a court order to stop harassing me.

I stick to my court order as if I give him an inch he takes a mile. Then some more.

He and his sister arranged our daughters to be flower girls at her wedding. She has bought them dresses. No one ever asked me or even bothered to tell me the date. As I knew this was my day with the kids, I went ahead and made my own plans to go to my BIL's wedding.

I only found out the date of his sister's wedding because I know someone in the hotel it's happening in. The assumption has been all along that I would just give in and say yes.

Ive had everything from him from 'youre a cow/bitch/cunt/insert other word here' to 'thats her godmother/what do you think the girls would choose' to his sister saying that she thinks my approach to his access is 'inhumane' and accusing me of not turning up to court to remedy access (there was no court date, apparently he went to get application papers that I do not need to be there for and had no knowledge of).

She has said how devasatated she is, and why would I prioritise this wedding over hers: a) I didnt know when it was; b) no one told me of these plans.

I have sent Ex future access proposals, have always been reasonable (I may not like the bugger, but the kids love him and I have always facillitated as much of equal weekend access as I can because of this.) but he hasnt moved his backside to change the access order he claims is soooooo unfair to him. Hes had fifteen months to do this, and all I get is a weekly threat to 'take me back to court'.

He can do it! I even told him which form to get, how to fill it out and explained it to him.

I am just sick to my back teeth of being treated like a doormat. He slots the children in around his life, I get treated like a babysitter and my life and anything I want to do is ignored. Im still having this wanker control my life nearly six years after splitting up, because he knows that anytime he chooses not to step up, I will rush in and save the day because I wont let the children down.

There's a long DV history to this, so I am trying not to be resentful or a bitch because of that. I want what is best for the kids, which is exactly why I got a court order in the first place: stability and continuity.

I am just wondering whether IABU.

I can see both sides, I dont want to hurt his sister, but I want to stand up for myself as well.

(That was not short. Apologies.)

Come on - he’s the one using the kids to point score here, not OP!

also, are they close to this aunt given how shit their dad is? She thinks that whatever little gift she’s bought them will be significant enough to use in their own weddings? Ugh.

Good Lord, he sounds like a total and utter knob, OP!
Can’t you get a better solicitor and go for sole custody given his history? He clearly doesn’t give a shit, can’t even be bothered to mention key family events, is a borderline alcoholic by the sounds of things. Which child needs that sort of drama in their life?

Don' let them go, from past experience you are right to have concerns that they won't be looked after. Your responsibility is to make sure they are safe, you can't, therefore they shouldn't go. What happens if they have an accident, are ill,and need someone to be with them- Your children will be let down and in need and you will feel guilty because you know he's an arse and likely will fall short

I'm completely perplexed as to this issue of the ex's family drinking. People drink at virtually every wedding and kids attend virtually every wedding. Just because people are drinking doesn't mean the kids are unsafe.

Never understood people referring to their time with their children as 'access?!'

@TammySwansonTwo that irrationally annoyed me- you planned your own wedding now you want to plan my daughters'? Its trite and irrelevant but feeds into the way I feel about their family.

I organised DD1's Christening party. Ex-MIL decided that wasnt good enough and organised another event afterwards. People Id never met. Passing my child around like a pass-the-parcel. Sent her off to a babysitter before Id had a chance to see her again 'oh shut up youre just ungrateful'. Humiliating and wrong. Everyone (bar me) ended up shit faced and I wanted to go home with my baby.

The more I think back about the past, the more Im actually convinced Im right, both legally and morally. Maybe not so unreasonable after all.

Stick to the court order. I knew on reading your first post that you would be beseeched to be the bigger person, just let him walk over you one more time, think of what the children would want (even in this case when you are concerned they will be around a lot of drunk adults and not properly cared for). Why is it we teach our children bad behaviour will not be rewarded, but feckless ex's are given exactly what they want over and over? What a great example to set...

They're all old enough to have an opinion. So ask them.

calf people.drink at weddings yes but they don't all get drunk when responsible for children. Someone needs to put them to bed and then stay with them and the OP has said they often stay up until 5am. The OP is probably (rightly) worried that they will just be taken up to a hotel room and left or checked on every now and then by someone who would be incapable of doing anything if they needed help anyway. She has also mentioned the fact that she thinks her ex will drive while still over the limit in the morning with the girls in the car.

If they are a family who like to get very drunk at things you can't underestimate how upsetting and frightening this might be for the children .

Have people seen that the children are attending anotjer family wedding?

bananas whilst I would consider letting your DC go their aunts wedding I would be concerned that your ex would stick to his pattern and try and ruin your time away by calling you early the next day to come and pick the girls up or even during the wedding. I wouldn't trust him.

I wouldn't change my existing plans under the circumstances you describe.

It doesn't sound as though anybody will actually be looking after the children, for one thing.

Given your Ex's tendency to dump the children when they become inconvenient, I wouldn't be surprised if he were to call you to come and get them on Saturday night while you're away, and you'll end up up abandoning your own commitments to avoid distressing the children.

Flower girls don't just have this sprung on them on the day- they're asked in advance, with dates booked in and outfits and shoes tried on. I bet none of them even know what shoe size your children are. If his sister was that bothered, she should have contacted you to check dates and make plans.

The children are not dolls to be put away in a cupboard, and got out again when dad or his family are interested, and dropped again when it's inconvenient. I would argue that it's important for your children to see that their lives and plans are important, and that includes plans with your side of the family too- they must not get the message that they exist as accessories to their father's life, and should bow to his demands and whims.

i think its weird that they are flower girls supposedly and have had no fittings or dont even know

are you sure thats the truth op or rather he wants to guilt u into letting them go

@Calf123 when you have a court order in place then your time with your children is determined as access time. Irrespective of which parent. Are you deliberately trying to be antagonistic or just wondering about such?

If there are any more questions you have, Id be happy to answer. Specifically those where you raise the question of people drinking at weddings. I never said people didn't drink at weddings. I believe I used the phrase 'phenomenal piss up' and 'blotto on bacardi'. Neither of those euphemisms denote people having a drink and being fully in control, especially of children. I'm no Jessica Fletcher, but 'piss up' may have been the clue.

I realise that this is AIBU and have thanked and taken on board everything that PP's have had to say because as I originally mentioned- I was genuinely in two minds regarding this issue: a well balanced reflection to my situation has been very much appreciated.

However, if you merely wish to stir the pot by adding inflammatory remarks then I can only think of one place for you to stick that spoon.

YANBU.
He sounds a bullying wanker. If your ex-SIL had been that keen to have them as flower girls she would have been in touch ages ago to sort dresses. He's just trying to bully you with added emotional blackmail of 'oh but the flower girls'.
Go to your DP's family wedding with your kids.

Much as I sympathise with you emotionally, Op, I think you're on shaky ground here.
He's either responsible enough to have unsupervised access to his daughters, or he's not. This doesn't seem to be an issue as you're complaining about him not having enough access. While they're in his care, you can't tell him what he can or can't do, and vice versa. I'm not even sure you could have insisted on a babysitter, tho' I think a court would probably be on your side in requiring him to return the girls at a time convenient to you.
I'm sorry, but I do think it would be mean to make them miss out on the chance to be flower-girls. And they have been part of ex's family, blood relations, much longer than your new partner's.
There will be another occasion when you can assert yourself and not be a pushover. This isn't the right time to make a stand because it'll come at your girls' expense.

YANBU, take them with you to the wedding you have already committed to attending.

Calf you are a proper shit-stirrer, just stop.

Honestly, all you need to say is:
It is my weekend with DC
You have given inadequate notice
We already have plans which we will not change
Go fuck yourself. (OK maybe leave the last one out).

If your DDs get to hear of it, put it to them as: We have already agreed to go to BIL's wedding, and it's rude to change plans you already made with other people just because a different invitation comes in afterwards.

Contact their aunt and apologise for them not being able to attend the wedding because you had no knowledge of it until (whenever), it’s your access weekend, and you’ve made other firm plans.

I am also a bit at the supposed flower girls.

The children have obviously never been taken to try dresses /shoes etc on or they would have excitedly come home and told you. And what bride would buy shoes and dresses for 3 children without knowing whether they fit properly? This just doesn't stack up.

I think your Ex is just trying to control and bully you again. What is the betting that if they go to the wedding you get a call late on Saturday night asking you to pick them up?

Don't be a pushover and stick to the legal arrangements.It's your weekend with the children and he can piss off.

What does your DP think?

YANBU

Who the fuck springs the "but they're flower girls" with two weeks notice. And the girls themselves aren't even aware? Yeah right. The bride has just realised that her nieces won't likely be at her wedding as her brother has fucked up, and now there's a shit storm.

Stick to your guns.

The kids are likely looking forward to the wedding they are going to. All the "but it's they're blood" posters above can feck off. So what? They're obviously not close to their aunt given that they don't know they are to be flower girls. OP has been with her partner for 3 years. My dad came into my life when I was 9yrs and his family welcomed me with open arms. I have a huge family of aunts, uncles and cousins who I don't share a drop of blood with. Couldn't love them more as family though.

He’s abusive

He’s not changed

No value comes from contact with an abuser

If your attendance/kids attendance was so devastatingly important, your exsil would have made sure you got the invitation and details

Do the best for the kids, show them that you respect those who respect you. If he cba with being there for his kids, that’s his lookout. You aren’t responsible for his relationship with his kids

@Thymeout believe me Ive checked everything out as far as what can/cannot happen with my kids on his time. His GF is a trainwreck (more daddy issues than me!) but theres nothing I can do unless I can prove the children are in physical danger. This is horrible to me because I am legally obliged to hand over my kids unless I have a legitimate reason to withhold them which then has to be substantiated. This is the reality for single parents everywhere.You have to build a case for emotional abuse and by that time the damage is already done.

It is shaky ground: thats why I keep saying nobody wins here. My girls would love to be flower girls (because they love dressesnbut have no idea that they are even involved, they just know Aunty X is getting married). There have been no dress fittings, I havent even been asked what size the girls' shoes are. Its a photo thing, and a walking down the aisle thing.

The horrible thing is that i really do get it. Were it my brother's wedding (albeit the sneaky snake went and got married and didnt tell anyone for ages!) I would want him to have my daughters at his wedding.

I understand why ex-SIL wants the girls there. I also understand why I am so annoyed.

@Ellie56 DP thinks that he should be strung up by the balls and left there. He's a little biased.

Seriously, though hes annoyed. He acts as a father to my kids and now he's being sidelined. When The Idiot acts up, he's the one who mops up my tears and we take the kids out when The Idiot doesnt turn up. I think hes miffed. Dont blame him tbh.