Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re husband going out alone with female friend/colleague to celebrate her birthday?

127 replies

Keepswimming21 · 30/04/2018 18:49

Not a frequent user so please be kind but honest.
About 2 weeks ago DH told me he had plan to go out for a colleague's birthday dinner, that was last friday. I know they are good friends: she is a bit older, grown up kids and a husband working abroad, we have two small kids. Anyway that was fine by me and advised him on buying her flowers etc. Then the day after said dinner he tells me innocently it was just the two of them at the 'birthday dinner'. I told him this to me sounds like a date and he gets angry with me for being unreasonable.
I doubt there is something between the two of them, but I also think that if her husband wasn't working abroad no way she would have gone out with him.
I am avoiding talking to him now as of course i am the controlling bitch that doesn't let him cultivate his friendships and can't face the argument.
To put things in context i caught him sexting a couple of years ago and when threatening to leave as he was denying the evidence (my phone was hacked!) He admitted and promised to change. In light of that, in my view he should have thought about it twice before going out for dinner with another woman.
So please tell me am I too old fashioned?? Would you be ok with you if your DH was going out for dinner with a friend made at work?? Do you go out for dinner with male colleagues and the both of you are in long term relationships (not referring to social do, only two people going out)? AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Curtainshopping · 30/04/2018 18:52

I go for lunch with a married male colleague sometimes but that’s on work premises and other colleagues sometimes join us. Someone did once comment about us being on a date which I found childish and irritating.

But an evening meal for a special occasion sounds a bit more borderline. DH would not do this and I would find it odd if he did.

WeeMadArthur · 30/04/2018 18:55

I would have no issue with DH going out with a group of friends (split is largely 50/50 men and women) but I would raise an eyebrow if it was him and one of the women alone. Where are the rest of her friends?

GabriellaMontez · 30/04/2018 19:00

Dinner on a work overnighter. No problem.

Yes this sounds like a date. Agreed, if her husband was around it wouldn't happen.

And he's got form... checked his phone lately?

NewYearNewMe18 · 30/04/2018 19:01

I frequently go out with male colleagues for lunch, that may be to a pub or a restaurant, and we go out for early evening drinks too. Might be alone, might be in a crowd.

Dinner does set a different tone doesn't it? But - your words I doubt there is something between the two of them, but I also think that if her husband wasn't working abroad no way she would have gone out with him. - whats the problem then? if there's nothing going on?

Shesellsseashellsontheseashore · 30/04/2018 19:02

He misled you by saying he was going out for a colleagues birthday dinner. This implies a group of people.
I would find it odd if my husband did this and I would be upset. With your husbands history too he doesn't have a righ r to be upset with you.

Idontdowindows · 30/04/2018 19:02

He has form for cheating and he calls you a controlling bitch for not trusting him?

Hmm
FASH84 · 30/04/2018 19:04

I work with a lot of men and have often gone out with just one for lunch, dinner or drinks, DH had done the same with female colleagues, however neither of us has sexted randoms.

WeeMadArthur · 30/04/2018 19:05

And if he is calling you a controlling bitch it shows he would rather upset you and go than upset her and not go.

MaisyPops · 30/04/2018 19:06

I frequently go out with male colleagues for lunch, that may be to a pub or a restaurant, and we go out for early evening drinks too. Might be alone, might be in a crowd
Same.
Getting food 1-1 with someone of the opposite sex isn't problematic (unless you have one of those relationships where you don't 'do' opposite sex friendships) but dinner alone for a special event is a very different tone.

Returnofthesmileybar · 30/04/2018 19:06

The problem here is that he didn't tell you until afterwards, so you didn't kick off and ruin his date

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 30/04/2018 19:06

It's not so much the fact that he went for a meal with her, but his over-reaction to your quite natural comment that it sounded like a date that strikes me as suspect.

TammySwansonTwo · 30/04/2018 19:07

A birthday dinner date? Absolutely no chance, especially when he misled you by omitting the details then told you afterwards as a defence (“if I was up to anything I wouldn’t have told you”). Gaslighting bollocks. He’s full of it.

phlewf · 30/04/2018 19:07

My df goes out solo with female friends - they’re going away for a weekend to watch some god awful band BUT I have no reason to doubt him. In your position I might feel differently. Also df always tells me (or rather doesn’t hide ) that it will just be the 2 of them. It’s all very open and public, I don’t have to go searching for info.

sosadforhim · 30/04/2018 19:08

I'd be keeping an eye on him. Might be innocent enough, but why didn't they just go for lunch? Could she not have had dinner with her children or a female friend? Without knowing them it's difficult to comment. I'd say be vigilant.

happypoobum · 30/04/2018 19:09

YANBU

My DH/DP would not be going on dates with other women unless he was happy to become an ex.

SomeKnobend · 30/04/2018 19:12

No that's a date and he knows it. Nobody who's been caught previously could reasonably claim ignorance about how this looks, and to try to make you the bad guy for objecting?! He's a shit op, sorry.

Addictedtohavingbabies · 30/04/2018 19:12

Yanbu, I wouldn't like it either and agree it sounds like a date. People will look at them and assume they are a couple.
I get that people can have friends of the opposite sex, but this seems a bit inappropriate. It's different if they were going for food together during a lunch break, but it's an evening meal for a celebration which is intimate.

ScreamingValenta · 30/04/2018 19:13

Would you be ok with you if your DH was going out for dinner with a friend made at work??

It would depend on the overall 'vibe' I had about the friendship. If he had form for cheating/sexting, I would be suspicious.

Do you go out for dinner with male colleagues and the both of you are in long term relationships (not referring to social do, only two people going out)?

Not for dinner, no. Occasionally daytime spectator-type events.

AIBU? Thanks

Given his history, YANBU.

DragonMummy1418 · 30/04/2018 19:14

One of my oldest and closest friends is a man. He is married with kids and so am I.
We rarely meet up alone as we live quite far apart so it's just easier to have a big family day out.
However no-one would have a problem with us going out on our own.
However this is a friendship that spans 15+ years and he and my DH get on really well and likewise us with his wife.

It really does depend on context...
I wouldn't go for a meal alone with a male work colleague and DH wouldn't go for a meal alone with a female work colleague.

lindyhopy · 30/04/2018 19:15

this is completely inappropriate. He should cancel. My guess would be that it was always going to be just the two of them and he is only telling you in case he is spotted out.

AdaColeman · 30/04/2018 19:16

His reaction shows that he is feeling guilty and knows he has overstepped boundaries, so he's turned it back on you to make sure you feel horrible.
Also by being rude and aggressive towards you, he's making sure that you will be less likely to challenge him the next time he does something inappropriate, like going on a date with another woman.

Start saving for your escape from this entitled arse.

DairyisClosed · 30/04/2018 19:19

I think it depends on how x much older she is. If it is a significant age gap I don't think it could be construed as inappropriate (E. G. If your grandad is 30 and she is 60). I know it harpenden sometimes but not often enough to make it inappropriate iyswim. But if she is close to him in age it just isn't really appropriate to have this kind of friendship.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2018 19:20

I am not ok with my H going out for 1 to 1 evening celebrations with another woman . No sirree.

And if he called me a bitch that would be the end of our marriage.

Jonsey79 · 30/04/2018 19:20

I thought it was weird and off BEFORE I read that he has form.

Yanbu.

SeriousChutzpah · 30/04/2018 19:22

I often go for lunch and sometimes dinner or a film with a male colleague. It’s never occurred to me that I needed to ask permission from my husband or his wife, but both of us are perfectly upfront about what we’re doing. Your husband misled you about the dinner, and you have reason to suspect his motives, which is a different situation.