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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re husband going out alone with female friend/colleague to celebrate her birthday?

127 replies

Keepswimming21 · 30/04/2018 18:49

Not a frequent user so please be kind but honest.
About 2 weeks ago DH told me he had plan to go out for a colleague's birthday dinner, that was last friday. I know they are good friends: she is a bit older, grown up kids and a husband working abroad, we have two small kids. Anyway that was fine by me and advised him on buying her flowers etc. Then the day after said dinner he tells me innocently it was just the two of them at the 'birthday dinner'. I told him this to me sounds like a date and he gets angry with me for being unreasonable.
I doubt there is something between the two of them, but I also think that if her husband wasn't working abroad no way she would have gone out with him.
I am avoiding talking to him now as of course i am the controlling bitch that doesn't let him cultivate his friendships and can't face the argument.
To put things in context i caught him sexting a couple of years ago and when threatening to leave as he was denying the evidence (my phone was hacked!) He admitted and promised to change. In light of that, in my view he should have thought about it twice before going out for dinner with another woman.
So please tell me am I too old fashioned?? Would you be ok with you if your DH was going out for dinner with a friend made at work?? Do you go out for dinner with male colleagues and the both of you are in long term relationships (not referring to social do, only two people going out)? AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
MissP103 · 01/05/2018 09:58

Yanbu and i wouldn't be happy with this. Nope . Actually more fool you for actually picking out flowers with him for her.

willynillypie · 01/05/2018 10:14

I can't see any reason a married man would take a female colleague out alone for dinner unless he wants something further from her.

Aside from that, it's highly inappropriate from a professional point of view.

Myheartbelongsto · 01/05/2018 10:18

Absolutely no way would this happen in my house.

I agree it sounds like you were misled.

greenlynx · 01/05/2018 10:40

It looks strange and inappropriate, texting or no texting. And now it's not even her birthday. What he will say next? It's not just a dinner?
Their age difference is actually very convenient but means nothing. They are both about the same age.
I agree with PPs who said that someone saw them that's why he told you about it.

mummymeister · 01/05/2018 11:23

the most telling thing in your post is that the two of you cant even have a discussion.

your relationship sounds like it has broken down. now you have to decide if its worth fixing or not.

the man has lied to you. he has gone on a date one to one with another woman. the birthday thing is the smokescreen to shut you up and, in his mind, makes what he has done reasonable. It isn't. you know it isn't and its not the kind of relationship that you want or expect to have with your H.

you are going to have to talk to him about this at some point so before you do get your ducks in a row and make sure you know what to say and how to counter the bullshit he is inevitably going to come out with. He should have been 100% honest about who was going to be there.

in my view, he is either having an affair with this woman or cultivating one - seeing how the ground lies. Its the next step on from sexting.

Original poster
Keepswimming21 · 01/05/2018 12:38

Thank you all for the messages, I know where they went out and it is unlikely they met someone who knows us both. I am buying time as I am starting counselling to help me clear my mind on what to do next but I know we'll have to talk. I just can't bear with the bxxxxit he is going to throw at me and posting in here has been useful.

OP posts:
ArtBrut · 01/05/2018 13:02

I can't see any reason a married man would take a female colleague out alone for dinner unless he wants something further from her.

Christ, how small-minded and depressing. Men and women don't get to enjoy one another's company now, in case looking at one another across a restaurant table sets off some 'DATE DATE = SEX SEX' atavism?

I appreciate that the OP in this specific instance has reasons to be suspicious of her husband, but I think barring men and women friends from one-on-one encounters in general is ridiculous and medieval.

willynillypie · 01/05/2018 13:10

ArtBrut

But it's not a male/female friendship. That's a completely different thing. It's a professional relationship between a male and female colleague, both of whom are married. I think it's unprofessional and I can't understand why they would think otherwise unless they want to take it somewhere. I don't know any male/female colleagues who just started some sort of innocent bosom-buddy friendship at work. However, I know plenty of male/female colleagues who started spending time together and ended up having affairs.

Jaxhog · 01/05/2018 13:14

YANBU. Lunch is fine, dinner isn't. TBH, just the 2 of them for birthday lunch would be pretty borderline too. But dinner? No.

If she's lonely spending her birthday on her own, invite her over to your house for a family dinner and a birthday cake.

Skarossinkplunger · 01/05/2018 13:19

If my husband kicked up a stink about me having dinner with one of my friends I’d call
him controlling too.

I know he has form for cheating but you took him back and now it seems you want to spend your life punishing him for it. Either you forgive him or you don’t.

hdh747 · 01/05/2018 14:15

Counselling sounds a good idea. Let us know how you go on and if you need to vent. Flowers

ArtBrut · 01/05/2018 14:35

Willy, the OP describes the relationship as that of 'a friend made at work' -- and surely that's how a lot of us make friends in adulthood?

I don't know any male/female colleagues who just started some sort of innocent bosom-buddy friendship at work

Well, my experience is different. I met one of my closest friends, a man, at work. We're both happily married with children, I'm mid-40s, he's 50. We go out after work for dinner and a gig/film maybe every month or so, and we probably have lunch together at least once a week at work -- and we're going on a weekend away in July. Our 'dates' have managed not to involve us falling naked onto one another's genitals, honest, and neither spouse is waving pitchforks. Hmm

willynillypie · 01/05/2018 14:43

ArtBrut

That is your personal experience, so you are (rightly) approaching the subject from another perspective, and I understand why you think the way you do.

My personal experience as I said is that all male/female colleague friendships (real ones, not just grabbing a casual coffee during the working day - where people actually schedule time to see one another outside of work) end in affairs. I've seen some really shitty ones too - married man of 4 leaving his wife for a 25 year old and getting her pregnant. All sorts of shit. I guess a lot can also depend on the type of job/office environment and the ages/dynamics.

mamaslatts · 01/05/2018 14:47

The dinner with a female friend wouldn't bother me, the constantly changing story would.

The length of friendship also matters, I think. If he only met her a few months ago and they are now going out to dinner together and he is buying her flowers I would be VERY worried.

EBearhug · 02/05/2018 08:09

I've been on holiday with a male colleague friend. That's definitely not going to lead to any sort of affair, just a shared appreciation of industrial history.

The lack of trust between you is the problem - dinner between colleagues can be just dinner - because of past history, you don't think this is innocent. So you need to decide on where your lines are and what you will do if he's crossed them, then speak to him again. If it really was just dinner and nothing else, are things really going to be okay, or will you always be wondering and doubting him?

SalsaLala · 02/05/2018 08:13

I think it crosses a line. Going for a drink after work and grabbing a burger or whatever in the pub would be one thing. A fancy dinner is another! And given his history he absolutely should have been honest with you.

Original poster
Keepswimming21 · 02/05/2018 08:56

EBearhug, that is exactly what I am trying to work out. I think he crossed a line. Not for going out with her but for not being open before the date given his past. He has other female friends he invited home went for drinks etc. And have never had an issue with that. I am going for counselling to understand what to do next. Getting opinions from others on what they would do and how would they feel has been so helpful as I have been doubting myself a lot thinking maybe it is really me. Now I am more confident on my opinion of the situation and can focus on next steps

OP posts:
Imelda03 · 02/05/2018 09:41

It's a difficult one .....as other posters have rightly said, people can and do have these relationships innocently and then also people don't. This enables him to argue his point, however.....

What is key for your circumstances here is deception. People do not lie if they have nothing to hide.

In addition to this is the history of his sexting. Yes you took him back but that is no green light for him to lie and be deceptive in future in fact, quite the opposite.

And it is that which I would find issue with and will be your strongest argument ie focusing on his pretending this was a group outibg and telling you different afterwards is stronger than focusing on male female relationships at work and will allow you to address why he thinks it's ok to lie and what he thinks the consequences of lying to a partner would be (he can't deny a partner would be upset confused and angry) and he can't deny that him lying on this occassion given his history will no doubt cause suspicion.

In summary though it's about what you are going to do about this. I think counselling is a fantastic idea to assist and get you ready going forward. It might be more benefical if you could have couples counselling, it's neutral ground and you may feel more empowered to say what you really feel and have a professional guide you both.

Sorry for the waffle (lawyers tend to say a million words when a few will do x)

Adayindisney67 · 02/05/2018 09:54

You will.get mixed reviews here OP but I'd never go for a solo dinner with a male without my DP full stop. It just wouldn't happen and if he bought me flowers too my DP would hit the roof and rightly so.
But then again I wouldn't trust him after sexting other women.
It all depends with what you are comfortable with and this would be a no from me! Why couldn't he go out with the group? Its all very wierd.
Why tell you after? That's very suspicious.
Males and females can be friends to a certain extent. But these "date nights" are not on if you ask me.

Adayindisney67 · 02/05/2018 09:58

I bet he payed for it too?
Took her out for a romantic meal and bought her flowers. I find it wierd people are actually okay with this! My partner would only ever save those kinds of things for me.
Don't get me wrong he has grabbed lunch at work with male and female colleagues. That's what you call normal!

Original poster
Keepswimming21 · 02/05/2018 10:11

Probably he paid too. when he told me it was just the two of them and i showed i wasn't happy about it he even said he could have lied and said they were the whole team to prove I had nothing to be suspicious about. As if he should get a medal for telling me it was just them!

OP posts:
SlowDown76mph · 02/05/2018 10:44

I think that is known as the 'hiding in plain sight' strategy :-(

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 02/05/2018 10:55

I think it's fine.

My male friend took me to a spa for my birthday this year.

It doesn't mean anything and my husband didn't care.

MrsKoala · 02/05/2018 14:05

It doesn't really matter if any of us are okay with it or not really. What matters is you are not okay with it. People who don't mind stuff like this (like me) tend to end up with people who also don't mind. People who do mind, are with others who would also mind. The problem is when one minds and one doesn't, or one does it even if they would mind it the other way round.

Despite the 'cool wives' jibes and posters saying how normal people would mind etc. It is possible to just not mind and still be 'normal'. Just not like them. (and I am not a 'cool wife' by any means - i wouldn't be with someone who watched porn or went to strip clubs etc).

Personally I don't like the idea that without my watchful eye allowing dh to be friends with a woman he would be cheating. I know that he has ample opportunity to fuck whoever he wants. Its the fact he doesn't want to that matters to me.

If you have issues with your dh then this will eat you up. How much can you know about what he does with his time/at work etc? The dinner is a red herring. There will always be something to worry about if you don't trust him.

i hope you sort it all out OP, it must be terrible to feel in pain about this. Flowers

TheHobbitMum · 15/05/2018 08:55

The fact that he wasn't honest initially and tried to decieve you by letting you think that there would be more than 1 colleague is the problem. If everything was innocent why not be upfront? With his history he should be completely honest and transparent, I wouldn't trust him