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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re husband going out alone with female friend/colleague to celebrate her birthday?

127 replies

Keepswimming21 · 30/04/2018 18:49

Not a frequent user so please be kind but honest.
About 2 weeks ago DH told me he had plan to go out for a colleague's birthday dinner, that was last friday. I know they are good friends: she is a bit older, grown up kids and a husband working abroad, we have two small kids. Anyway that was fine by me and advised him on buying her flowers etc. Then the day after said dinner he tells me innocently it was just the two of them at the 'birthday dinner'. I told him this to me sounds like a date and he gets angry with me for being unreasonable.
I doubt there is something between the two of them, but I also think that if her husband wasn't working abroad no way she would have gone out with him.
I am avoiding talking to him now as of course i am the controlling bitch that doesn't let him cultivate his friendships and can't face the argument.
To put things in context i caught him sexting a couple of years ago and when threatening to leave as he was denying the evidence (my phone was hacked!) He admitted and promised to change. In light of that, in my view he should have thought about it twice before going out for dinner with another woman.
So please tell me am I too old fashioned?? Would you be ok with you if your DH was going out for dinner with a friend made at work?? Do you go out for dinner with male colleagues and the both of you are in long term relationships (not referring to social do, only two people going out)? AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
willynillypie · 30/04/2018 20:06

This is fucking weird - DH wouldn't even try to do this because he would think it's fucking weird too. Everything about it is odd: him taking her out for her birthday, it being just the two of them, getting annoyed at you, history of sexting and lying. Bad bad bad.

Turkkadin · 30/04/2018 20:12

OP he is treating you like complete and utter shit.

imweirdandcool · 30/04/2018 20:13

his past behaviour is why you have an issue with this and rightly so

C0untDucku1a · 30/04/2018 20:14

The issue isnt he went to dinner with a colleague.

The issue is he lied by omission about it bein just the two of them.
He got angry about your reaction and tried to shift the blame on to you.

Serialweightwatcher · 30/04/2018 20:17

Definitely odd and I wouldn't be happy either - if it wasn't a problem and he thinks it's normal why didn't he say it would be just the two of them before he went ..... oh, I know because you would rightly have told him he was being a shit. He's wrong and shitty and you're entitled to be pissed off with him Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/04/2018 20:18

He’s lied to your face.

He’s going on a date with a woman.

He’s calling you a bitch.

He’s cheated on you before.

I wouldn’t be talking to him either. I’d make him pack his bags and send him divorce papers.

No. What he’s doing is not okay.

hungryhungryhippo8 · 30/04/2018 20:18

Fuck that. If he's angry then remind him why. I would not be happy with this.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 30/04/2018 20:21

We have no way of knowing how dodgy this is, but there's something he felt the need to lie about. The name-calling and trying to make you out to be controlling is also not a good sign. I think you know YANBU.

choli · 30/04/2018 20:23

It would never cross my mind to ask permission to have dinner with a coworker, male or female, in groups or one on one. But then, I've never cheated on my partner so he has no reason to distrust me.

JessicaJonesJacket · 30/04/2018 20:24

YANBU.
I go out for lunch/dinner on my own with male friends/colleagues and when I had trips abroad, I'd often have one-to-one dinners with work contacts.
The difference is I've always told my DH beforehand and I've never cheated by sexting.
Your DH deliberately misled you that it was a group event rather than a cosy, birthday meal. Then he tried to make you get defensive. You are right to be angry. He is a gaslighting arse.

Guiltypleasures001 · 30/04/2018 20:25

I find his anger a huge sign of guilt, sorry op

HaudYerWheeshtBawbag · 30/04/2018 20:26

My dh team is an all woman department (he’s the only male) he does this frequently.

DollyDayScream · 30/04/2018 20:28

Do you think that perhaps someone saw them and he thought best to drop it into conversation himself?

Oblomov18 · 30/04/2018 20:30

Date? Disagree. Is it that a man and a woman can't have a meal together without it being a date, these days? God save us! Hmm

Original poster
Keepswimming21 · 30/04/2018 20:32

Hi thank you all for your comments. He didn't call me a bitch, thankfully we have never called each other names but he has told me I was controlling before. I am avoiding talking about it as I know exactly what he will say (won't call me a bitch, that was me being emotional, sorry for the confusion).
I suggested buying flowers when he said he was going to her birthday dinner but had no idea it was only them.
DH is early 40ies this lady must be mid to late 40ies, youngest DC is 11 oldest is married.

My problem with the situation is that to me going out with her solo is a lack of respect given his precedent and he only told me after they went out.

We are just avoiding talking to each other, he only told me he could not believe i would have an issue with that and I stopped talking to him.

What does it mean when people say 'he has form'?

OP posts:
Aprilmightbemynewname · 30/04/2018 20:36

Form - guilt, he has cheated before, why would he not again?

LadyLapsang · 30/04/2018 20:40

I sound like the woman in this scenario in that DH often works abroad. I would and do have lunch, coffee, drinks and dinners with colleagues of both sexes. For me the birthday issue would not be so important as I would be likely to go out with DH / DC when DH was next back. I might not even mention I was going out, DH likewise, its just not a big thing for us.

Namechangedname · 30/04/2018 20:42

Did he buy her the flowers?

MrsKoala · 30/04/2018 20:43

This doesn't bother me at all. Dh goes out with loads of women just the 2 of them. I would be annoyed if DH had an issue with me going out for dinner with a male friend.

Petalflowers · 30/04/2018 20:49

‘He has form’ basically means he has done it before. Ie. Sexting,

Flipertygibbert · 30/04/2018 20:54

Its a shame because before you get married or settle down with a partner, you can have great mates who are the opposite sex. Once you're married it just doesn't sit well. Hope you're okay and stick with your gut feeling. As you've said he's no stranger to this behaviour. You deserve better.

midnightmisssuki · 30/04/2018 20:55

Sounds like she wants your husband to play ‘hubands’ with her while hers is away. I would find it more of an issue that he wasn’t truthful in the first place, not so much the going out with her (if it’s totally innocent) .

hdh747 · 30/04/2018 20:57

In my experience men only take the 'you're being unreasonable about it all' line and shoot you down with anger when they think you've actually got a reason to be angry. Doesn't mean he's done any worse than misleading you so he could have a night out with a friend he thought you wouldn't agree to. Nor does it mean he hasn't (or at least thought about it).

Whatever he did or didn't do, he's being unreasonable now by deliberately making it your fault. Tell him you HEAR he thinks you are being controlling but this is important to you and you need to be HEARD too. And that you need to have a proper conversation about it.

Peakypush · 30/04/2018 21:01

This would ring major alarm bells with me. It's one thing having friends of the opposite sex but I would find this situation completely inappropriate OP...

seventh · 30/04/2018 21:02

His reaction to your concerns and fears is so disrespectful

He sounds like a prize tool

Yuk