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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re husband going out alone with female friend/colleague to celebrate her birthday?

127 replies

Keepswimming21 · 30/04/2018 18:49

Not a frequent user so please be kind but honest.
About 2 weeks ago DH told me he had plan to go out for a colleague's birthday dinner, that was last friday. I know they are good friends: she is a bit older, grown up kids and a husband working abroad, we have two small kids. Anyway that was fine by me and advised him on buying her flowers etc. Then the day after said dinner he tells me innocently it was just the two of them at the 'birthday dinner'. I told him this to me sounds like a date and he gets angry with me for being unreasonable.
I doubt there is something between the two of them, but I also think that if her husband wasn't working abroad no way she would have gone out with him.
I am avoiding talking to him now as of course i am the controlling bitch that doesn't let him cultivate his friendships and can't face the argument.
To put things in context i caught him sexting a couple of years ago and when threatening to leave as he was denying the evidence (my phone was hacked!) He admitted and promised to change. In light of that, in my view he should have thought about it twice before going out for dinner with another woman.
So please tell me am I too old fashioned?? Would you be ok with you if your DH was going out for dinner with a friend made at work?? Do you go out for dinner with male colleagues and the both of you are in long term relationships (not referring to social do, only two people going out)? AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
MyFriendFlickaWasAHorse · 30/04/2018 19:23

I would be ok with this. Dh has gone out with female colleagues in the past for ‘date’ type evenings and I was ok about it. I’ve been out on my own with male colleagues too and even with dh’s colleagues on date type nights, (once to a gig and once to the cinema).

BUT, the sexting thing does put a different spin on it. I wouldn’t be happy based on the fact he has proven that he has poor self control when the opportunity presents itself.

Fairenuff · 30/04/2018 19:29

His reaction to you voicing your concern makes me think he's up to something.

Nolikey · 30/04/2018 19:31

No not on and what’s with the flowers?

Aria2015 · 30/04/2018 19:32

Yeah, I wouldn't like this either. I think it's a bit too intimate IMO.

DragonMummy1418 · 30/04/2018 19:34

I think the main issue is that he omitted information about it just being the two of you before hand and then got defensive afterwards.

They both reek of guilty.

The actual act of going out with a member of the opposite sex for dinner isn't the problem.

And flowers for someone's birthday is lovely. I love getting flowers - from anyone 😊

TheOneWith · 30/04/2018 19:34

He deliberately misled you, and has a history of cheating.

I think someone spotted him out on this date, probably looking far cosier than he should have been, and that’s why he casually told you the next day that it was just the two of them - to get in there in case the person who spotted him tells you first.

MarvelleGazelle · 30/04/2018 19:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MarvelleGazelle · 30/04/2018 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pseudousername · 30/04/2018 19:40

No. You are def not being unreasonable.
Even uf completely innocent he should still have been more upfront and honest with you - overly so given his past with the old sexting. Hope you work it out OP.

Americantan · 30/04/2018 19:44

I meet a former male colleague for evening dinner on occasion, to catch up. His wife and my partner are fine with it. But to meet for a special occasion without others there would be a bit odd.

Pseudousername · 30/04/2018 19:45

I doubt he'd ask his wife for advice on flowers for his mistress though. That's a proper fuck wittery level of psychopathy.
More likely he's just an unthoughtful div and he hasn't connected the potential dots.

BillywilliamV · 30/04/2018 19:45

Abso-bloody-lutely NOT! A reasonable man wouldnt even suggest this!

Aprilmightbemynewname · 30/04/2018 19:46

I would check his recent purchases.
Bet it's not just flowers.

lurkingdad · 30/04/2018 19:46

Context is everything. I have a couple of female friends who I have known longer than my wife. We don't catch up very often but in the last few years I have been out with them for the evening 1:1, but these are women known to my wife (1 is a godparent to our children, another was best woman at my wedding) 1:1 is to catch up and not bore our partners with the reminiscing, I have never felt the need to be vague about what is happening or defensive. Ok well there was the time my wife was away for the weekend and I was spotted in town with one of them by a work colleague, but I told him not to judge me by his low standards.
On the other side of this I would not feel comfortable developing a new friendship with the opposite sex that involved 1:1 meals out. That would feel a bit like crossing a line.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 30/04/2018 19:50

He's basically dating in plain sight isn't he? That would be a big "No" from me.

cheapskatemum · 30/04/2018 19:51

My DH works abroad & I have grown up DCs. I wouldn't be inviting a younger man to have dîner à deux with me on my birthday, unless my marriage didn't mean much to me and I had designs on him! If DH really couldn't get back home for my birthday, I'd go out with DCs, or with a group of friends, as a PP has suggested.

YANBU

hdh747 · 30/04/2018 19:54

No. I wouldn't be happy. Lunch during work hours fine. Dinner where others are there fine. Dinner for two, not previously discussed with you, no. I'd suggest next time she needs company and there's nobody else available you invite her round yours and you can all have dinner together.
See how he feels about that.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 30/04/2018 19:57

Tell him you are happy to host a meal at your home for the 3 of you....

Skinnyboneylittlepony · 30/04/2018 19:57

Your birthday dinner is a special time to be with your nearest and dearest.

She spent it with one person.

Why is your husband her nearest and dearest.

NotAgainYoda · 30/04/2018 19:59

It's not you; it's him

Dodgy as hell, even if he didn't have form

Petalflowers · 30/04/2018 19:59

I think it depends on the situation. Had other work,colleagues,planned to,go,,and then backed,out for what ever reason (such as over running meeting, work,to,do etc), so it ended up,just him and her. In this case, it was probably innocent.

Maybe a coffee and sandwich grabbed from the the cafe next to the office wouldn’t be so bad either.

However, a pre-meditated meal,with only the two,of them in a cosy pub i wouldn’t be so happy with.

TheOneWith · 30/04/2018 20:01

When you have decimated the trust in your relationship with your history of cheating, then “not being allowed” to “cultivate a friendship“, one on one, with a member of the opposite sex is a price you have to pay if you wish to remain in your marriage imo.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/04/2018 20:02

Sounds like a date to me. And no I wouldn’t be cool with this.

And I’m normally the first person to say “huh what’s the problem” but he lied by omission and it’s a personal event

GruffaIo · 30/04/2018 20:03

DH goes for lunch or after-work drinks with individual female colleagues, who are also friends (through work); sometimes, they're not great friends, but it's more a networking thing. But not dinner, which would feel more like a date, I think. He's never arranged a dinner, so perhaps has naturally drawn the line there in terms of weirdness - and I'd agree. Dinner is weird.

ConciseandNice · 30/04/2018 20:05

I go out to restaurants with male colleagues some on occasion (I work abroad and go alone there) BUT I have no history of sexting, I wouldn’t deliberately mislead my hubby about it and we’ve been married for 20 years and I think we’re beyond the distrust. Bearing in mind the history YANBU.