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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU re husband going out alone with female friend/colleague to celebrate her birthday?

127 replies

Keepswimming21 · 30/04/2018 18:49

Not a frequent user so please be kind but honest.
About 2 weeks ago DH told me he had plan to go out for a colleague's birthday dinner, that was last friday. I know they are good friends: she is a bit older, grown up kids and a husband working abroad, we have two small kids. Anyway that was fine by me and advised him on buying her flowers etc. Then the day after said dinner he tells me innocently it was just the two of them at the 'birthday dinner'. I told him this to me sounds like a date and he gets angry with me for being unreasonable.
I doubt there is something between the two of them, but I also think that if her husband wasn't working abroad no way she would have gone out with him.
I am avoiding talking to him now as of course i am the controlling bitch that doesn't let him cultivate his friendships and can't face the argument.
To put things in context i caught him sexting a couple of years ago and when threatening to leave as he was denying the evidence (my phone was hacked!) He admitted and promised to change. In light of that, in my view he should have thought about it twice before going out for dinner with another woman.
So please tell me am I too old fashioned?? Would you be ok with you if your DH was going out for dinner with a friend made at work?? Do you go out for dinner with male colleagues and the both of you are in long term relationships (not referring to social do, only two people going out)? AIBU? Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Keepswimming21 · 30/04/2018 21:03

Ladyalpsang when DH was trying to explain said her birthday is actually later in May and she will be going out with other friends separately and i assume she will do something with her DH when he returns, that's why I am thinking it may have been an innocent evening out. My problem with him is that given his past behaviour he shouldn't have gone out of respect or invited her for dinner at home. I don't work fridays and would have happily prepared dinner for both.

OP posts:
Kittykat93 · 30/04/2018 21:27

This wouldn't be happening in my household. A group of friends yes or a lunchtime drink. Not going out for the evening wining and dining like they are in a relationship. YANBU

MrsKoala · 30/04/2018 21:36

Threads like this make me feel like i'm from a different species. If i told DH i'd gone out with a male friend for dinner alone and he said he had an issue about it i'd tell him i find that pretty unreasonable and then if he stopped talking to me because of it i'd find that controlling and weird.

MaisyPops · 30/04/2018 21:56

MrsKoala
Depends.
When I grab dinner with a male friend, it tends to be at a local pub that does good food or a local restaurant with an early bird deal.
DH would never have an issue with that and I'd have no issue him doing that with a female friend.

We would both have an issue if going for food was actually a table for 2 at a nice restaurant for a special occasion. That is straying to date territory.

MrsKoala · 30/04/2018 22:01

I went for dinner at a nice booked restaurant and to see the Nutcracker with a male friend/colleague once for a christmas treat. No one even blinked when i told them. It wouldn't have occurred to me till i came on MN that this would be an issue.

cheapskatemum · 30/04/2018 22:07

Keepswimming if it's not her birthday till later in May, that makes it seem even more like a date in a way. It's not adding up for me, I'm afraid.

NordicNobody · 30/04/2018 22:10

he has told me I was controlling before. I am avoiding talking about it as I know exactly what he will say

That's why he tells you you're controlling, so you will avoid raising issues with him. "Same with men who tell women they're "nagging", "too emotional" etc. It's a conditioning treatment to stop you calling him out on his bullshit.

I actually came on this thread to say YABU until I saw that he's has a history of cheating, so YADNBU, especially after your last update. Not trusting a former cheat isn't controlling, and calling your partner "controlling" to avoid taking responsibility for destroying their trust is a really shit thing to do.

NCbecauseIdontwanttooutasaman · 30/04/2018 22:12

I wouldn't have a problem with my wife meeting up with a male friend and or colleague for dinner and I wouldn't expect her to have a problem with me doing the same.

CaptainCabinets · 30/04/2018 22:20

My DP’s best friend is a woman Smile they went out to the cinema and for a drink for her birthday the other week! I adore her, though, and they’ve been best friends for about 20 years!

EBearhug · 30/04/2018 22:25

It was my birthday at the weekend, and I was at a reunion. One of my male friends took me to dinner. I have no idea what he said to his wife about it. It was only the two of us, but it would have been fine if the others there in the day hadn't booked trains home. (Except we'd have probably had to go to McDonald's, as it was difficult enough to get a table for two, as we'd not booked.)

We spent the time talking about his children, whinging about work, how good it is to get a good night's sleep, and discussing whether our degrees were of any use. I don't think either of us were at risk of being overcome by lust. Never occurred to me to worry it might be too date-like, because I knew it wasn't a date. I think I'd have found it weird if he'd given flowers, though.

chocorabbit · 30/04/2018 23:01

So, she will be celebrating her birthday later 1) with friends 2) her DH. Why on earth did he have to specifically reserve a day for them alone to celebrate?

Petalflowers · 30/04/2018 23:09

Her birthday is later in May, not even in the next few days. That makes it worse, and if it were an innocent early birthday meal, why dudn’t He invite you along?

HoomanMoomin · 30/04/2018 23:48

My DH did that once. Went out for a drink with female ex-colleague. I only found out half an hour before he went. I joked about it being a date and he became all defensive which in return caused me feeling like it was actually a date. He also didn’t tell me about meeting her couple of times after that.
Anyway, it led to couple of months of me resenting him and trying to discuss it. Eventually I asked him to drop her because I couldn’t see other way to solve it. He was angry and obviously didn’t want to do it. But I explained to him that it makes me feel like he chose her, not me and he was horrified of how he made me feel. And dropped her. Gently, but he did it.

I think he now realises that he was on a dangerous path and will be more careful about friendships not getting too close.

AdaColeman · 30/04/2018 23:52

So it wasn't actually a birthday dinner at all, he just told you that to give their date a bit of a believable gloss, so that you wouldn't kick off! Hmm

TheOneWith · 01/05/2018 00:03

Oh right, so not actually a birthday dinner at all, he just took another woman out for dinner for two, and bought her flowers... just because?

Righty ho. Hmm

Out of interest, has he taken you out for dinner or bought you flowers lately?

Original poster
Keepswimming21 · 01/05/2018 07:22

Yes her birthday is in two weeks and apparently she is having different evening out with various people on the led up to it...

It is the actual 'it is her birthday but then it is not' and telling me it was just them afterwards. I suggested he bought her flower since it was a birthday, she bought flowers for him for his birthday (all ok by me back then).

OP posts:
ScrubTheDecks · 01/05/2018 07:30

I thought YWBU until you mentioned the previous sexting.

Rather than rowing (‘that sounds like a date’) tell him how it makes you feel when he goes on a twosome dinner with another woman and ask him genuinely what he would think if you went for dinner with a man he didn’t know, took him a present etc.

You need him to communicate stuff not hide.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 01/05/2018 07:57

Who is this amazing woman demanding so many birthday celebrations? Sounds to me like she is used to getting he own way...

JiminyBillyBob · 01/05/2018 08:03

Nope. Wouldn’t have that.

The cool wives will fall over themselves to tell you that it’s fine but it really isn’t. Even if he didn’t have form.

TattyCat · 01/05/2018 08:14

I've just cancelled my wedding because of exactly this. "D"P has been taking someone out to dinner for the last 18 months, and admitted to 'kissing in the pub car park' in his car. No, I don't believe it stopped there but he insists it did.

He's been working away during the week for the last 4 years. That is stopping and some big changes are being made before we can move forward, if we can.

Trust your gut instinct. I ignored mine, to my dismay.

Emma198 · 01/05/2018 08:20

In a previous job I had a male friend at work, we would regularly go out for lunch and dinner, drinks etc just the two of us and there was never a hint of anything happening, we were just mates. Both in early 20s and single though.

If anything was happening between them, would he have told you it was just the two of them? Surely would have said it was a group if he had anything to hide.

downthestrada · 01/05/2018 08:20

It sounds like he was using the "birthday" as an excuse to go out to dinner with her. I wouldn't be happy with that. I'm saying this as someone who has went for lunch and dinner with male colleagues but usually during/after something work related.

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/05/2018 08:22

I think that given his history, I wouldn't be allowing him the benefit of the doubt so easily I'm afraid. It's an odd situation that doesn't sit quite right with me. I'd be fine with dh doing this with a close female friend, but not a colleague under the pretence of 'birthday celebrations' only to discover after the event that it was just the two of them. Sounds to me like classic arse covering - was he seen by anyone you know do you think?

baxterboi · 01/05/2018 08:54

I would not be happy about this at all. I go for lunch with a male colleague and we are both in long term relationships but its 30 minutes over at the cafe, not flowers and dinner.

RavenLG · 01/05/2018 09:40

Rather than rowing (‘that sounds like a date’) tell him how it makes you feel when he goes on a twosome dinner with another woman and ask him genuinely what he would think if you went for dinner with a man he didn’t know, took him a present etc

This. I bet he would hit the roof if you went out with a man alone.

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