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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

342 replies

whatstheweatherupto · 30/04/2018 11:02

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

OP posts:
AntiHop · 30/04/2018 13:53

We have a 3 year old. I've been away once without dd and dp for 3 nights for an activity related to a hobby. I would be happy for dp to do the same.

However his comment about HIS money is very, very unreasonable.

NanFlanders · 30/04/2018 13:54

Just had a thought - you can't go because of work commitments, but nothing to stop him taking the kids!

Lovemusic33 · 30/04/2018 13:55

I wouldn’t be happy about it at all.

Would people really be ok with their husbands going away with a female friend for a week? Sorry but I wouldn’t, I have male friends, one of my best friends is a man but I have to admit that there have been times when it has been more than friends. I wouldn’t trust any man not to try it on if alone with their ‘female friend’.

You should be planning a family holiday for the 3 of you, you are a family, he’s not a single guy anymore, he has responsibilities.

MeMyShelfandIkea · 30/04/2018 13:55

I'm also guessing your DH knew your work commitments before asking you to join him and his friend on holiday. The red flag to me is that you got together young and most people change a lot during their 20s. Although there may not have been any attraction before they could be growing into each other. Or maybe he just wants to hark back to pre-DC life. Either way given the other dynamics/struggles in your relationship what he's suggesting is totally inappropriate.

Sweetpea55 · 30/04/2018 13:58

Thinking about this is making me prickly,,
How would you feel if he was going away with guys,,?
Its still not on though is it..He wants to be married but have certain freedoms as well..
What if you did the same on your time off,,? Who would he think would look after your dc?

Smacks of a selfish twat to me..

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 30/04/2018 13:59

He is definitely being unreasonable. Quite apart from going away with another woman (WTF?), he's buggering off for 5 days leaving you with an 18 month old. Those of you who said you have done this - were your separate holidays when DC were this young? When it's your first child, 18 months is a particularly difficult time. Separation issues, getting them to eat, still in nappies... it's very very different from a 4 year old or a 7 year old.

OP I feel for you. I don't think it's needy to not want your OH to go on holiday for 5 days leaving you to do everything. So you'll be working, and doing all the childcare, and the housework...? Erm, no. Just no.

And also, he's going away with another woman? OK so she might be your friend as well, but she was his friend first. How would your DH feel if you went away for 5 days with another man and left him with your DC? I'm assuming he would not be ok with this.

porcupinepine · 30/04/2018 14:00

I don't think it's an issue to go away separately. People should enjoy life! Just because you have a family, doesn't mean you have to be miserable and never do anything fun again.

That being said, it needs to be equal and I don't think he's approached it well with you. Make sure you get your break too, use it as an opportunity to find something you really want to do too. Then he can have dc while you do that. It might start a new trend in your life that brings you both happiness.

LaGattaNera · 30/04/2018 14:03

So he is going away with her and you and DC can come or not come, like you are secondary to their plans - that's how it comes across to me.

Jessbow · 30/04/2018 14:07

i'd be doing my level best to get the time off and going with him.

They'd go as friends but come back as..........???

Be great to just turn up unannounced, wouldn't it? ''Surprise, we are here for the rest of the week''

BanyanTree · 30/04/2018 14:13

Best female friend gets to take male friend on holiday for 5 nights. Meanwhile his wife and DC stay home.

You couldn't make it up.

pamplemoussed · 30/04/2018 14:15

I'd say "Of course. Ooohh DC will love that! " Off you both go - I'll have a quiet time at home alone.

pigmcpigface · 30/04/2018 14:18

Shock Why can't he pick up with housework, DIY and childcare while he's on leave? Why does he get to be on 'holiday' when you're not?!

ThisisSparta · 30/04/2018 14:21

Just because you have a family, doesn't mean you have to be miserable and never do anything fun again

Interesting turn of phrase here- almost like you are saying having a family shouldn’t be a barrier to having fun, well over in my world having a family actually makes my life better and more fun!

OP I would not be happy about this at all- your DH wants to go off and have a couples holiday -without you!

Time to sit down and talk with DH, tell him you are uncomfortable with this, and go from there, if he is a decent guy he will listen and start putting his family first.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/04/2018 14:22

I do think this is ok. Marriage is not a prison. And no he is not selfish for saying he wants to enjoy his money!

I do think he should take the children though!

C0untDucku1a · 30/04/2018 14:30

Say ‘wow that sounds like an amazing holiday for you and the children and im sure your friend will be a fun addition.’

allez · 30/04/2018 14:37

@SayCoolNowSayWhip

"Those of you who said you have done this - were your separate holidays when DC were this young?"

I left him with a 3 1/2 year old and an 18 month old for a 4 day golf holiday.

He thought it was great and had booked his holiday within a week of me asking if I could go on mine.

mrsdoglover · 30/04/2018 14:39

if it was a weekend, maybe I'd let it go but an all-inclusive holiday is bang out of order. Like you said OP that money could be better spent elsewhere or he could continue to save up and book a holiday for all 3 of you when you can get the time off.
I completely understand he wants/deserves a break and is definitely entitled to that but I don't understand why he would want that without his family?
My DH has gone away for a week or so before but that was for work and whilst yes he did go out for drinks/meals whilst away I'd never use that to get a weekend away for myself, nor would I really want to go anywhere without my DH.

ZanyMobster · 30/04/2018 14:44

DH went away when DS2 was 8 weeks and DS1 was just 2 as it was an important trip. We have both had annual separate trips since. We have never had an issue with stuff like that as I would expect that either of us were able to look after our own 2 children on our own without issue. I would however be unhappy if it meant as a family we would have to go without and if it was DH and 1 other woman.

MumofBoysx2 · 30/04/2018 14:47

I think he is being unreasonable. He should wait until you can go too, rather than go with someone else! Great if you can all go together but if not then it should be you rather than her!

TatianaLarina · 30/04/2018 14:47

It all depends on the context.

If you had a couple of holidays a year with him and DC and he wanted 5 days away with his mates - it’s a bit cheeky with such a young child when you’re working, but ok.

But the context is actually that you don’t get much time to spend with each other, you don’t seem to be jetting off on other holidays together. So his bit of holiday he chooses to spend - with another woman. Who’s just be his friend but it’s still galling because he could have chosen to spend it at home to spend quality time with you in the evenings as he’s not on shift.

Young children are a lot of work. When are you going to get your holiday?

His life does seem to be quite a lot about his wants - his golf, his football. Does he ever think you might want a break at weekends from being the sole carer?

peachescariad · 30/04/2018 14:47

Selfish twat...he's taking the piss.
Golf and footie most Saturday's....a week away with a female friend? WTF??!!

I've got no issues with my DH having the occasional break away NOW, but our DC are all in their late teens, but absolutely no way when they were so young. I would never have wanted to go away myself either. We started the odd short break away when the youngest was about 10.
...as for going away with his female 'best friend' imo this is the start of a slippery slope.
Its a no from me.
What will he do if you say no it's not OK? You may see where his true loyalties lie if he kicks up a fuss.....although I think you know that already.

porcupinepine · 30/04/2018 14:49

ThisisSparta no that's not what I'm saying.

But he wants to go away and 'enjoy his money' seems to be his thinking that he wants to get away and have some fun. Op already said they'd had a few struggles.

GertieMotherwell · 30/04/2018 14:52

I have no problems with having separate holidays unless you have childcare and can go away together.

The female friend would be the issue for me. Don’t be that cool wife

SayCoolNowSayWhip · 30/04/2018 14:56

@allez - crikey. I mean, great if that worked for both of you, but there's no way I would have ever considered doing that when mine were that age (I have same age gap as yours), and neither would DH. However, I struggled with coming to terms with being a mother and my life changing so hugely, and both DCs were rubbish sleepers when they were that age. I'm pretty sure that after 4 days on my own with my two at that age, I'd be a hysterical mess! But that's just me.

OP - how are you going to broach this with him?

Layla8 · 30/04/2018 14:58

Seriously ? All of you who have said you’d be happy with this ? Your husband going on holiday with another woman ? He’s a knob, you’d be crazy to allow this.

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