Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 13 14

Original poster

DH wants to go on holiday...without me!

342 replies

whatstheweatherupto · 30/04/2018 11:02

Not really sure how I feel about this situation so wanted some unbiased opinions…

DH and I have been together for nearly 10 years, married for 3, 1 DC who is just about to turn 18 months . We have had our ups and down like all couples but are generally happy. The last couple of years have been a struggle as I don’t think DH was prepared for how much things would change having DC but we’re slowly getting through it.
DH‘s best friend is female. This bothered me when we first got together, as we were all very young and DH wasn’t very good at introducing us and wanted to keep us apart which made things worse, however after all these years I can honestly say that I have no issues with her, I class her as a friend as well and actually find it nice that DH has such a close friend. I have no trust issues with her as I know she Is not remotely interested in DH and has recently started seeing someone

DH and I do not get a lot of time together as we both work full time. He works shifts whereas I work Mon-Fri hours. We share pick ups and drop offs of DC as much as possible, although the majority of childcare and housework falls to me as DH struggles with sleeping being on a shift pattern. However his shifts does mean that every couple of months he ends up with a full 10 days off work. He also plays golf nearly every other Saturday and will use his annual leave to book days off around this schedule. He also plays football some Saturday mornings before golf for a local pub team so some weekend days he can be out from very early until late which obviously eats into the time we have together with DC.

At the end of last week he came home saying he had been talking to his friend and for the first time in years she has the some of the same time off as his (she also works shifts in a similar industry to him but they rarely seem to have more than 1 day off together) and that they have been talking and wanted to go away for a few days. He did ask me if me and DC would like to come as well but unfortunately I cannot have the time off due to work commitments so we wouldn’t be able to.

He told me how much they were looking to spend and then spent the majority of the weekend looking for holidays for them both and they are now on the verge of booking to go away for 5 nights.

For the record my issue isn’t him going away with his friend, its more the issue that he wants to go away and leave us for 5 days when we get limited time together as it is. Yes he would be just sitting around the house on those days off as I would be at work and DC at nursery but we would be back in the evenings and he would be able to pick DC up a bit earlier. There is also loads of work that needs doing around the house. It’s also his attitude to the money he would be spending. They’re looking at spending about £500 altogether (food, drink, airport parking etc) and when I said that could be put towards some new carpets in the house his answer was it’s his money, he works hard for it so he wants to enjoy it for a change!

Not sure what I am looking for her, part of me thinks he is being unreasonable, but then part of me does think he should be able to go and enjoy himself.

OP posts:

Original poster

whatstheweatherupto · 30/04/2018 15:09

Thank you for all the replies. It's interesting to get some different opinions.

In answer to some questions:
I don't have a lot of free time nor do I leave DC very often. Partly by choice, but also partly we don't have a lot of support. Both sets of grandparents are elderly (in their 70's & 80's) and although they will have DC for a few hours, any longer involves siblings having to come down and help out and they don't live that close by (about an hour away) so it's quite difficult. I have also never left DC overnight, again mainly by choice as up until 15 months DC was an awful sleeper and would wake every 2 hours some nights. DC is now starting to sleep for longer periods. It is usually myself who gets up in the night, mainly because DH isn't always there due to working nights and he is more of the thought of letting them cry it out which I don't agree with so I just get up.

DH has been away on courses for work for 3 or 4 nights so I'm not worried about being on my own, I'm more than used to this, plus he has been away with his football/golf teams on weekends away for a few nights so again I am not bothered about being on my own or picking up the majority of the nursery runs etc.

Taking DC with him isn't really an option, as 1. I wouldn't want to be away from them for that long (probably selfish but having not left them overnight and having no immediate plans to do this that's how I feel) and 2. the whole point of this holiday seems to be for them to go and get very drunk for the entire time, which is really no longer my idea of a fun time anyway.

OP posts:

LightTripper · 30/04/2018 15:12

OH and I have two children and this year for the first time have both been away separately (I went on a girls weekend for 3 nights and he went ski-ing with work friends earlier in the year for the same amount of time). It's been good BUT (a) we've each had our chance to get some time away and (b) it hasn't caused any money concerns. I wouldn't be happy if it was all one sided, or if it was putting unnecessary financial pressure on the family.

GertieMotherwell · 30/04/2018 15:12

What makes you so sure there isn’t more to this friendship?

QuizzlyBear · 30/04/2018 15:13

My husband just went on a 'boy's golfing weekend' and plans to go away by himself when he has time off in July. I'm delighted for him! He'd go nuts sitting around at home for weeks on end while the kids are at school and I'm working. Why would I resent him doing something that makes him happy?

punter · 30/04/2018 15:17

Go off and get very drunk for the entire time?

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. cannot imagine him introducing his bff to others whilst getting rat faced then explaining that wife and child are back home. He wants to be single again, sorry.

OneStepSideways · 30/04/2018 15:20

I don't mind my DH going on holiday with a male friend or in a group (he goes skiing and diving alone every year). I don't think it's fair to deny him a childfree trip abroad, everyone needs some downtime. It's a bit selfish to say he should buy new carpets with the money instead! (unless your carpets are very worn out you actually need new ones!) I'd be annoyed if I wanted to spend some hard earned money on a leisure activity and DH told me to spend it on a new sofa instead.

However I wouldn't be happy with him going with a female friend! I would feel very uneasy and jealous and no matter how platonic they are it just wouldn't feel right.

greenlynx · 30/04/2018 15:21

OP, you are far too nice.
I can't believe people are still discussing if it's ok for a couple to go on holidays separately. He is not going for weekend away on his own. He is not going away with a group of friends. He want to spend his free time alone as a couple with another woman . It's very different.
It doesn't matter for me at this stage how childcare is divided, and does he deserve a holiday in principle. He is going on holiday with another woman! In my view it's very strange and unacceptable.

allez · 30/04/2018 15:27

But your life didn't have to change so hugely and surely you'd come to terms being a mother after 3 1/2 years.

I see it as a short-term pain long-term gain situation. We always alternated weekend lie-ins too. Or night feeds, once onto bottles. I'd rather have little sleep followed by a great long sleep as opposed to two mediocre nights.

Also, reinforcing my first thoughts, DH is and was great. It was him to take a career hit with our second and move to PT / compressed hours followed by sabbatical. If this holiday is reciprocated then it's fine. If it's symptomatic of the OP being pissed off with other things then they need to discuss it.

pallisers · 30/04/2018 15:28

2. the whole point of this holiday seems to be for them to go and get very drunk for the entire time, which is really no longer my idea of a fun time anyway.

Well you seem ok with it all but honestly - getting drunk with his female best friend in a foreign holiday spot - I think this is a disaster waiting to happen.

allez · 30/04/2018 15:29

^ for @SayCoolNowSayWhip

ellaV · 30/04/2018 15:29

I'm so so sorry, but I really think you're being massively mugged off here. I also think this friend of his shouldn't even consider it and give her 'mate' a bloody hood kick up the arse to be a better husband and father!
I've been friends with a male for about 27yrs now, and that friendship has been difficult at times because of one another's previous partners... but can honestly say that whenever either of us has thought that the other were in the wrong with our partners, we've sensitively told one another, and suggested ways to improve.
For instance - about three/four years ago when I was with a previous partner (now expecting first child with current one), my mate and I innocently chatted about going camping for two nights and taking our dogs. I didn't think a thing of it until my male friend told me that actually, he doubted my bf at the time would be happy with that, we discussed it, and I Agreed he was right. Our friendship has and always will be so innocent, but now in our 30's, we know we have to be more mindful.

This female, is not mindful of your marriage.

TatianaLarina · 30/04/2018 15:53

He is going on holiday with another woman! In my view it's very strange and unacceptable

If a married male friend of mine wanted to go on holiday with me leaving his wife and child at home - I would just feel too uncomfortable to do so.

I can well believe there’s nothing going on between them - there doesn’t have to be for it to be bizarre.

At the same time - if these two ended up in an affair and OP admitted they’d gone on holiday together but didn’t suspect - everyone would think she was a complete mug.

SpaceDwellingOrganism · 30/04/2018 15:53

and while they getting off their face drunk, he is so not going to shag her, oh no.

Octonaught · 30/04/2018 15:54

During the first 5 of his days, he can catch up with the diy jobs, spend half the budget on carpets and then take DS on a child friendly holiday in the uk with his “ best friend”.
They will still be spending time together but he will get 5 days taste of what it is like doing the lion’s share of parenting. Then you drive up & join them over the weekend, then leave DS there with them to bring home.

TatianaLarina · 30/04/2018 15:55

If this holiday is reciprocated then it's fine

Shows no sign of being. Nor his Saturdays out playing sport.

Topseyt · 30/04/2018 16:16

You are being very naïve here.

He is going on a 5 day holiday with another woman right under your nose where they intend getting drunk all of the time. You really think that he won't shag her?!

It is called hiding in plain sight. How big does a rat have to be before you smell it?

specialsubject · 30/04/2018 16:28

the swill and spew holidays stop when the condom is removed. this saddo needs to grow up and get a life,not act like a student.

didnt.he get what having kids means? sacrifice and extra work, sorry.

shape up or ship out, mate.

Yorkshirebetty · 30/04/2018 16:30

@QuizzlyBear - you're delighted that your husband goes on a lads golfing holiday, great! Would you be delighted if he went away on his own with another woman, planning to get drunk every night?

Notso · 30/04/2018 16:31

For me the issues would be that he doesn't seem to be pulling his weight and possibly money depending on how needed that £500 is.

I don't think it's wrong to want time away from your partner and kids, or to postpone doing house stuff in order to have fun. You don't seem to be on the same page with regard to leaving DC, he clearly has no problem with it where as you don't want to. There is no right or wrong you can't blame him for feeling differently.
He does need to be pulling his weight with childcare and housework though. I'm a SAHM and DH works away a lot so things are not equal but he does do his bit when he is here and he would bend over backwards to accommodate me going away.

GreenProvence · 30/04/2018 16:31

Why don’t you ask him and his friend to wait until you have bookable time off work too and all go together?

Ticketsfrom · 30/04/2018 16:33

I wouldn't have an issue with it BUT I would expect the same time to go for a weekend away with one of my friends. My Dp and I do this occasionally and it's great to be away from both partner and kids IMHO now and again. Carpets will keep by the way, you should spend money on experiences if you can afford it. You're not going to look back with fond memories on that rug you bought 10 years ago.
I'd also have him spending time with his dc those other days though...

tid2018 · 30/04/2018 16:36

I welcome my DH having holidays with his mates because then I don't feel guilty when I have the same! We also gave family holidays too obvious. He's been to New York and Vegas on separate trips the past few years. OP you are not his keeper, neither him yours. You say you don't have a problem with having a female best friend, which I accept, however maybe him going on holiday with her is a step too far? Would you care as much if it was a male? Also you sound jealous/selfish when you have pointed out that he would be at home alone during those days. Why not let him have fun? Book a holiday for yourself and have a bit of fun

Bramble71 · 30/04/2018 16:36

I'd be utterly devastated if my hubby did this. It's absolutely not on to go on holiday without you and the little one and inappropriate to go away with a female friend.

As for him saying it's his money and he wants to enjoy it for a change, it's family money and he's being incredibly selfish in booking something that he likely knows you could not get the time off for.

Are you going to tell him no?

Topseyt · 30/04/2018 16:40

Are people deliberately ignoring the fact that this man is blatantly booking a holiday with another woman so that they can get drunk together shag every night?

I don't believe so many would be "cool" with that.

Oblomov18 · 30/04/2018 16:42

This sounds wrong on many levels.

But, I am shocked at some of the reasons here.
I go away with friends for 2-3 days and Dh does too. I have no trust issues.
I suspect you have bigger issues than just this!

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 13 14