To wonder if it's ok to rely on your kids...

[ListenToTheEarth]

For emotional well-being.

(NC as family is on here 👋🏻 this will probably ID me and don't want my normal profile linked to me 😊)

I will try to explain what I mean but I'm not terribly eloquent...

When I am having a bad day, quite often the only thing that can cheer me up or make me smile is spending time with my children.
I won't go into details but I will tell them I'm feeling a bit sad and I would like a cuddle and they usually oblige (I would never ever get upset with them if they didn't want a hug!)

MIL says this is putting too much on the kids, that they aren't supposed to look after the parents.

My parents always held their emotions in and expressed them away from me and my siblings, we never really saw them upset and I think this is such an unhealthy thing to do.

I think it's showing kids that emotions are bad and they shouldn't be allowed to show them.

I know that when my kids are sad they will come to me for a hug and comfort.
They also know their emotions are valued and when I am upset, I ask them for a hug.

Is this unreasonable or not?

I agree with your MIL to some extent. My mum was depressed when we were growing up and I remember spending a lot of time worrying about her.

I don’t think emotions should always be hidden from children but it’s right to try and make sure they feel safe and secure.

YABU it shows them it is ok to talk about how they feel and they can ask for help. They will feel they can ask the same of you if they are feeling down.

I don't know, I think I agree with your mil, but I can see where you are coming from.

I think.it probably comes down to how often this is happening and why.

I also agree with your MIL.

Unless they asked I wouldn’t tell them I was feeling sad. Your emotions are not theirs to manage and try to improve.

I think it's not necessarily putting too much on kids, but maybe try to be aware if this is causing them any anxiety. Some kids, like my DS, would probably take it in their stride and just be happy to feel they're helping. Others, like my DD, would probably worry more about the implications and feeling responsibility for my feelings in that case.

It depends I suppose, for me I had a chronically depressed alcoholic mother who unleashed all her emotions on me as a child and it was very damaging.

Seeing appropriate emotions is healthy but I don't think I would seek my children's help for it. Also depends on their age I suppose as well.

Again, I experienced the extreme end of it as a child which no doubt influences my personal opinion now.

Yabu, they’ll be feeling worried about you, it’s not fair to put that on them.
There is a middle ground to be had I think.

It's not the same as you comforting them. You have the adult ability to process their upset in a rational manner and it doesn't linger.

Kids cannot understand what is big upset and what is small upset and it can be very worrying when a parent frequently needs comforting.

They have no context for why you are upset, like you do when they are upset.

How often is this happening?

Are you single?

You think it's ok to ask for cuddles that make you feel better ... yet if a GP has the temerity to ask for a goodbye kiss all Mary-hell lets loose about entitlement and children owning their own bodies and emotions.

You're using other peoples emotions to bolster your own wellbeing - that imbues a sense of obligation for the giver.

I think you are being very unreasonable. Your children are not your emotional crutch. I agree with your MIL.

I don’t think it’s great to be TOO wrapped up in DC, or to ask DC for cuddles and say it’s because you’re sad.

This is a tricky one, it's hard for me to judge whether YABU or YANBU. It's great to be emotionally open and for your kids to realise that everyone feels sad sometimes and that's ok. But I feel a little concerned when you say that your children are the only thing that can cheer you up when you're feeling down. That does sound as if your MIL may have a point.

Basically there's a balance here.

I don’t think you should hide feelings from them but I do think you need to tred carefully in making them feel they need to “make you feel better” as that’s a lot of pressure

I hope I've always encouraged my kids to show their emotions and let them know they can talk to me, but no- I tend to put on a front for them.

The exception would be when our dog died, and I was a mess I saw that they were worried for me and tried to hide the worst of it.

It's not often, I'm not depressed.

I can see where your coming from about them worrying about me...

I usually just say I'm feeling a bit sad today, can I have a hug. And reassure them that I feel better and not to worry.
They haven't seemed to worry afterwards.

Maybe this is something I should re-think though.

Do they know why you’re sad?

No, I tend not to elaborate.
I might say people just get sad sometimes.

That would have made me worry. I used to worry about my mum being sad with no reason to be.

I usually just say I'm feeling a bit sad today, can I have a hug.

But how often is “usually”? And don’t they want to know why?

I think it’s lovely if my DC offer a hug to make me feel better if I say I’m tired/grumpy/feeling ill etc but I wouldn’t ask for a hug to cheer me up.

Once a year, ok. Once a week - not so much.

That would have made me sad if my mum said she was a sad.

Can't you just ask for a hug without telling them you're sad?

Yeah I would ask for a hug without saying that.

There’s a line, and I don’t think you’re crossing it.

If you need your children to meet your emotional needs, then the line is crossed.

If you’re feeling a bit flat and a cuddle will make you feel a bit better, I don’t see anything wrong with that

I’m a single parent and I’ll sometimes say, ‘I could do with a cuddle’. If I’m just feeling a bit tired, a bit grumpy I’ll tell them, and that’s that.

If I’m feeling lonely and overwhelmed, then no, I’ll go an find a friend.