To wonder if it's ok to rely on your kids...

[ListenToTheEarth]

For emotional well-being.

(NC as family is on here 👋🏻 this will probably ID me and don't want my normal profile linked to me 😊)

I will try to explain what I mean but I'm not terribly eloquent...

When I am having a bad day, quite often the only thing that can cheer me up or make me smile is spending time with my children.
I won't go into details but I will tell them I'm feeling a bit sad and I would like a cuddle and they usually oblige (I would never ever get upset with them if they didn't want a hug!)

MIL says this is putting too much on the kids, that they aren't supposed to look after the parents.

My parents always held their emotions in and expressed them away from me and my siblings, we never really saw them upset and I think this is such an unhealthy thing to do.

I think it's showing kids that emotions are bad and they shouldn't be allowed to show them.

I know that when my kids are sad they will come to me for a hug and comfort.
They also know their emotions are valued and when I am upset, I ask them for a hug.

Is this unreasonable or not?

Google "emotional parentification" and see if that resonates. That's what can harm children (a LOT).

I suspected there was a lack of emotional support from your partner. You’re using your children to fill the gap he leaves. It’s not fair.

Tricky one as I had both ends of the spectrum growing up. My DM had chronic anxiety and depression, she would often have to leave the supermarket in the midst of a panic attack and there were times where I had to comfort her throughout them as a young child which was pretty terrifying actually. However my DF was always the opposite and he never showed me any emotion other than absolute happiness or calm. He never cried or got angry, he just remained in this constant zen like state and it was pretty fucking weird at times actually, especially after his Father had died and he would never show me any emotion about it.

I honestly couldn’t tell you which is worse, both were pretty damaging so I am inclined to say somewhere in the middle is best.

Ontop: I totally agree with you. And your example is good.
I am talking about being overly emotional and over reacting and expressing every little feeling in front of kids.
Rowing for example shouldn’t be done in front of kids, whereas robust debate is fine. Kids can see you angry but not losing your temper. It will make them anxious and it is a learned behaviour that m they will copy.

@Biologifemini understood, and agreed

Agree with MIL

I'm not depressed, but would totally tell my children if I'm having a bad day, or feeling a bit sad.
I'm not going to be a blubbing mess but they should grow up knowing that we have feelings too, and that these aren't necessarily limited to happiness/positivity, or parenthood. We're not invincible, and I'm not sure the stiff upper lip thing does them any favours.
YANBU.

Asking for a cuddle when "Mummy's stressed and had a bad day" is very different to asking for a cuddle because "Mummy's sad...", the latter could really damage a child's emotional well being, I think.

Fine to ask for a cuddle but your DC should never feel like your emotional welfare is their responsibility. It's too much pressure.
No need to tell them you feel sad. They don't understand the nuance in adults feeling sad and might think it's something they've done.

This thread has given me real food for thought, and I thank you all for that.
As a single mum, maybe I do put too much on my children. I never ever meant to, but will definitely have to self-reflect a bit on this.

I certainly show my emotions from time to time to my children, from a happy day where I've had something lovely happen at work, to the odd sniffle a couple of times a year, I also get cross on occasion, mostly we jog along. It's age appropriate, when children are little it's not appropriate to show them as much, but as mine are teens, I don't and can't pretend the world is a happy sunny place all the time and I never have a bad day! We are all naturally quite upbeat though, with the odd dip, so it certainly isn't a daily issue. They have seen me cry a few times over the years, and I think it's reassuring to see that you can have a blub, but the feelings pass and you can be ok again an hour later. I am certainly not going to live an unauthentic life, and my children would notice now as they are super-perceptive and emotionally very in-tune so will notice if I'm quiet or each other are snappy and respond to that.

Hmmmm tough one, really depends on your situation, frequency etc. as others have said.

Feeling responsible for your parents emotionally, from a young age, because they are often upset can be very damaging. I grew up way too quickly and although now I feel I have a good level of emotional intelligence as a result of hearing parents troubles, I really wish I'd been allowed my innocence and naivety.

I was my mum's emotional caretaker. I was her mother from a young child. She was massively abusive and I had to look after her. I now have depression, complex ptsd and an anxiety disorder.
You need to take care of your own emotional and psychological well-being. Your behaviour is not good enough for your dcs. You should say 'I'm sad about x. I'm going to read my book/exercise/go for a walk.' You will feel better if you become self reliant and you will be teaching by example to your dcs to be healthy emotionally. You really shouldn't expect your dcs to parent you.

I usually just say I'm feeling a bit sad today, can I have a hug.

Have you tried saying this to your dh (out of earshot of your children)?

Nothing wrong with saying to your children "can I have a hug" and then saying it makes you feel good (not better). Telling a child you are sad/upset and need a hug feels a bit like unnecessary emotional manipulation to get a hug, do they never ask "what's making you sad/upset mummy?". If they don't yet they will soon, what will you tell them? Saying sometimes people just get sad is dismissive of their question and they can learn to be sad for no reason too just to obtain a hug.

dh had a mum that offloaded her emotions onto him and made him feel responsible for her wellbeing. It was a very unhealthy relationship especially when he was a teenager.

I think you sound perfectly reasonable OP. It is good for children to see that we experience negative emotions, just like they do (sadness, worry, anger), as long as we show them the correct way to cope with them.

E.g. feeling sad, then seeking out our loved ones for a cuddle and/or a chat about the problem (age-appropriate, obviously), then feeling happier. Or feeling angry about something, but taking measures to keep oneself calm (such as deep breathing, or removing oneself from the situation for a while), then feeling calmer as a result.

Obviously pervasive sadness with no obvious cause (such as depression), or anger being displayed as violence, will be upsetting and frightening for a child, but it sounds to me as though what you do is far, far away from this. Sounds to me as though you are modelling a sensible way to manage a negative emotion.

What is the right way to be with your dc then? If I say I'm fine when I'm not to my kids they'd know as they are 12-17 years old. I never had parents and no one to show me how to parent.

I know it sounds counterintuitive but often I think kids need to be unaware of a parents underlying emotional state. We need a balanced and strong front so they feel loved, but importantly feel secure and safe. Some kids are very very affected by the emotions of their caretakers. I’ve seen it. Never underestimate how telling your child that you feel ‘sad’ can affect them. Just ask for a cuddle. No sad. No sad. Just a cuddle. It’s not their job to prop up an adult or give affection in a crisis. It’s ours.

Year I agree, my early/mid teens are massively perceptive and would notice even if I said I was ok but seemed tired or out of sorts. I don't think faking your entire emotional life is an option with teens. I agree with not over-burdening them, nor sharing inappropriate information/stories, but them seeing you having a bad day and reaching out seems to me pretty ok. I do it for them all the time, and it's natural, having it modeled, to do it back. I don't 'rely' on them and if they weren't there it'd be fine, but I'm proud of what loving and caring children they are and it has been remarked on by others such as teachers/in reports.

I think it’s fine to let your DCs see you sad. I don’t think it’s fine to ask them for a hug to fix it. If they offer a hug unprompted then if course it’s fine to accept it (if you want to).

I struggle when dd offers a hug as I really want to accept but she's not been a huggy child since she was old enough to chose. I don't want her to feel unwanted or rejected when she offers but don't want to cause her upset either . Offers are very rare.

I worry about this a bit as my kids really do cheer me up some days. I don't ask for it though. I tell them I appreciate them, especially when they've been away from me a while (a week holiday with their dad is the longest and I am really missing them by the end). I don't go on about the missing them though; I just tell them it's great to see them and I love having them around.

I don't know whether this is right or wrong but my approach is to be honest, but to focus on the positive. So rather than "I've had a crap day and I need you to make me feel better" it's more like "Now we're going to have a really lovely cosy evening and cuddle up with a movie and it's going to be great". I hope this is ok.

No, you shouldn't rely on your children for emotional support (or for anything). It's the other way round - they rely on you for their emotional wellbeing.

Which doesn't mean that you should hide your emotions. But children don't have the coping mechanisms that adults have to deal with their own and others' emotions. And seeing your mother unhappy on a regular basis can be very frightening (I know it was for me).

I don't think it's okay to make your children feel like they have responsibility for your happiness. Or tell them you feel sad for no particular reason.

I do tell DC that I'm sad and upset sometimes but there's always a reason. It's not their problem that you married a man who is emotionally distant and you're making it their problem.

I sometimes say to my DS' that i am sad and need a cuddle. Then when they give me one I say 'that makes me feel better'. Because I want them to know that sadness can be helped by someone they love responding to them and hugging them and just being there. I think that is healthy to be honest- that they know their mum gets sad, and they know that their mum loves to have a cuddle. I hope that when they feel sad it triggers them to ask someone they love to hold them and to listen to them.

Now they are older they ask why I am sad and I will tell them i had a rough day at work, and explain why. My eldest is 9 and has ASD and is struggling with bullying at school, so it is a common point of conversation- I talk about what made me sad at work and how I hope to deal with it and it triggers him opening up about who upset him or threw his special security blanket toy onto the roof etc and what steps he can take the next day.

I'm quite okay with that as an approach.

I think that telling your children you're sad will only make them worry. I never once knew when my parents were sad, and I'd say that's how I'll do it with my kids too.