To wonder if it's ok to rely on your kids...

[ListenToTheEarth]

For emotional well-being.

(NC as family is on here 👋🏻 this will probably ID me and don't want my normal profile linked to me 😊)

I will try to explain what I mean but I'm not terribly eloquent...

When I am having a bad day, quite often the only thing that can cheer me up or make me smile is spending time with my children.
I won't go into details but I will tell them I'm feeling a bit sad and I would like a cuddle and they usually oblige (I would never ever get upset with them if they didn't want a hug!)

MIL says this is putting too much on the kids, that they aren't supposed to look after the parents.

My parents always held their emotions in and expressed them away from me and my siblings, we never really saw them upset and I think this is such an unhealthy thing to do.

I think it's showing kids that emotions are bad and they shouldn't be allowed to show them.

I know that when my kids are sad they will come to me for a hug and comfort.
They also know their emotions are valued and when I am upset, I ask them for a hug.

Is this unreasonable or not?

OP what do you intend to do when your DC have moved out and have lives/families of their own?

Is there a reason for your spells of sadness? Or something you could put into age appropriate terms for your DC without frightening them. You mention a MIL but no partner - is he deceased? In which case, are the DC getting all the emotional support they need?

I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing to let your DC know, from time to time, that you feel sad/angry, as long as you are careful to make sure they understand it's not because of them, and you don't rely on them too much. It sounds as though you might need another adult you can turn to, as well as your DC. If there are no friends or family nearby, it might be worth calling the Samaritans when necessary.

You shouldn’t use them as a crutch and it sounds like you do. There are other ways to handle strong emotions regularly: go for a walk, do something nice for yourself, go and see your friends and talk to them.

I think people are being a bit harsh actually. And some of you are projecting your own experiences which do not sound the same as the situation described by the OP. Parents are not robots, we are allowed to have feelings and to show them. And we are helping our children to grow up into caring considerate adults by encouraging the, to show empathy. Obviously there's a tipping point and we need to be careful that we don't become over reliant on our children for our own emotional well-being, and I do think it is important to have other family/friends to turn to.

encouraging them*

Your Mil is right. Your children will worry about you and this anxiety can stay with them and stop them spreading their wings when their older. Your feelings are not for them to bear and you should lean on other adults not your children.

I'm not single, I do have a DH but he's the absolute stereotypical definition of man in that he does not show emotion and finds it very difficult to know what to do with people showing emotion, funnily except with the dc who he is amazing with.

It's honestly not often at all, maybe once every few months, MIL only knew as she walked in our house as we were having a cuddle and she started grilling us!

(We also do have a dog but she is a little nutter, never sits still! 🙈)

Your DH isn’t much of a man if he can’t express emotion or sympathise with you.

Blimey OP once every few months is hardly going to cause long term damage!

I think if you have long term mental health problems then this could be problematic if you are over relying on young children for support rather than the adults in your life. If you've had a rubbish day at work and tell your 17 year old and they give you a cuddle that's fine. Where the line is between those two will depend. And I think it's fine for children to develop empathy for others and to understand that cuddling someone you love can make them feel better. When FIL died the older DC (10&8) gave DH and MIL a cuddle as soon as they were told. They knew they'd be sad and knew a cuddle would make them feel better. That's right and proper. The 5 year old was obviously less aware of the significance of the news and that's also age appropriate. They all know DH or I will cuddle them whenever they need it.

Yes like I said, I'm not depressed or coming home every day like this, it's just the occasional rough day that I need a hug from the most important people in my life.

DH really does try bless him, it's just the way he's been brought up.

Maybe I should re-think telling them I'm sad and just ask for a hug though.

It's all about balance, isn't it? It is good for everybody including small children to be able to feel they can be useful to other people occasionally. It is clearly not good for children to feel they are responsible for other people.

The very occasional request for a cuddle absolutely fine. Being made to feel only you can help mummy cope not so fine.

TBH you should probably seek some sort of counselling for yourself, because either you need more emotional support than is available to you because your H/MIL/other family members are not people who prioritize emotional display - or you need help to manage your emotions rather than inflict them on your family.

I don't know which is closer to the truth for you - but people who are proud of how 'emotionally open' they are can be an awful PITA to live with - they are very invested in their own feelings but clueless about other people's, so they're always whining/crying/tantrumming/demanding attention even when the person they expect comfort from is busy/worried about something else/exhausted.

OP, no it is not ok to rely on your DC for your emotional wellbeing. It's OK to ask them for hugs. It's OK to feel better after those hugs. But it is definitely not ok to rely on them and by extension make them responsible for your feelings.

PPs have put it better than I could about how it contributes to children worrying and long term poor mental health when they become adults. You say They haven't seemed to worry afterwards, but they won't tell you or show you in case it makes you sadder.

There is nothing wrong with your DC understanding your emotional state. However using them to make you' feel better' places a lot of responsibility on them. Your issue here is your DH and you need to be getting your support from him. Let your DC be kids and if you need support or an opportunity to vent go out with your mates.

I wouldn’t dump too many emotions on kids. It isn’t fair on them.
I would keep stuff hidden 99% of the time. And only show emotion when something serious has happened, eg a death.
I don’t think too much emotion is good for kids.

You really need to show consistency to make your children feel safe. They don't need to be wondering what kind of mood you're going to come home in today.

I think it depends how its done. If its literally just "I'm feeling a bit sad, I could do with a hug," its harmless enough. As long as you're not offloading on them, sharing inappropriate stuff and relying on them for emotional support.

There's a healthy middle ground to be found. You should never put children in a position where they are made to feel your emotional health depends on them. But you can go too far down the path your MIL espouses. My mum never shared any of her emotions with me whatsoever. She was kind and loving but a complete closed book emotionally and it made me feel very cut off from her which has damaged me quite a lot. It's not unhealthy for children to see that you experience emotions, as long as you are not coming to depend on them for the solution.

Hmmm, depends I think but there's a difference between being open with your children about things - it's good for them to see that everyone has good and bad days and it's healthy to show your feelings - and using them as a crutch or emotionally blackmailing them - my DSC mum loves a bit of that and uses "but you wouldn't want to make mummy sad/angry..." - which is dangerous, selfish and unhealthy.

once every few months this is fine I think.

It's not relying on your DC for your emotional well-being, it's being a close family IMO.

My mum used to ask me to stroke her forehead when she felt stressed and tired. It wasn't often. It was something nice I did for her occasionally and I liked that she asked me.

I don't do it for her now, she never asks these days! But I can imagine when she gets old and frail I probably will, and she'll appreciate it.

It's not either/or.

Your DC can see an appropriate amount of your emotions, so that they see that a huge range is normal.

You can also model how to deal with them. That does not however include relying on DC. so if their company helps you feel better seek it out, but without burdening them with the even the slightest responsibility for lifting your mood. In those cases, just spend time focussed on them, without saying why.

And never ask/expect a child to touch anyone else (ther than handshake or other standard greeting) or let themselves be touched, just because someone close to them asks.

but you wouldn't want to make mummy sad/angry.

Totally agree this is emotional blackmail. But where has the OP given any indication this is what she's doing?

If your DH can emotionally support the DC he could choose to emotionally support you.

@Biologifemini I would say the opposite, I don't think hiding too many emotions is good for your kids. How on earth are they supposed to recognise that it is OK to feel sad sometimes? Or angry, or excited, or any of the other many emotions we all experience? There's a real danger of bringing up repressed children who can't express how they are feeling because they have been shielded from it.
Example, my DH has gone away for work for 4 weeks. On the day he left I was tearful for a while. My DS came up, gave me a hug and said 'its OK mum'. Yes, I then got on with my day, yes I am now getting on with every other day, but he recognised I was sad and comforted me. Because he can show empathy and compassion. Same as I would do for him and have done on many occasions. I can't see what is wrong with that, I really can't.

DS is 14 by the way, so mature enough to deal with it, but I wouldn't have hidden my tears from him when he was younger. Because its not all the time, its just occasionally.