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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if it's ok to rely on your kids...

110 replies

ListenToTheEarth · 29/04/2018 17:59

For emotional well-being.

(NC as family is on here 👋🏻 this will probably ID me and don't want my normal profile linked to me 😊)

I will try to explain what I mean but I'm not terribly eloquent...

When I am having a bad day, quite often the only thing that can cheer me up or make me smile is spending time with my children.
I won't go into details but I will tell them I'm feeling a bit sad and I would like a cuddle and they usually oblige (I would never ever get upset with them if they didn't want a hug!)

MIL says this is putting too much on the kids, that they aren't supposed to look after the parents.

My parents always held their emotions in and expressed them away from me and my siblings, we never really saw them upset and I think this is such an unhealthy thing to do.

I think it's showing kids that emotions are bad and they shouldn't be allowed to show them.

I know that when my kids are sad they will come to me for a hug and comfort.
They also know their emotions are valued and when I am upset, I ask them for a hug.

Is this unreasonable or not?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 29/04/2018 18:24

It's ok to spend time with them.
It's not to tell young children that you're feeling sad and they need to cuddle you to make you feel better.
You need to find better coping mechanisms. What about when your kids leave home?

Flyingpompom · 29/04/2018 18:28

If there's a reason, that is clear to them, then I'd say this is ok once in a blue moon.
For example, when my grandfather died I seem to remember being told that my dad might need a hug, and I totally understood this and wanted to comfort him. I'd have been 8 years old at this point.

But on a normal day, no. They are not responsible for your happiness.

Original poster
ListenToTheEarth · 29/04/2018 18:30

Ok, I'm really taking your points on board.
It's good to hear other people's perspectives!

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/04/2018 18:30

How old are they?

And can't you just say you feel like a cuddle without giving a reason?

KnittinKitten · 29/04/2018 18:31

If your MIL has commented on it then it’s happening often enough for either her to witness it or the DC to mention it to her.

YABU. Do you have a partner? Use them for your emotional needs.

PurpleDaisies · 29/04/2018 18:33

Do you have a partner?
Presumably there’s a husband if there’s a MIL...

KnittinKitten · 29/04/2018 18:34

Not necessarily. I refer to my DCs Grandmotyer as my MIL despite being long separated from her son and never married to him.

aaarrrggghhhh · 29/04/2018 18:35

Its an horrific thing to do to you children - you are there to look after them - they are NOT there to look after you.

The only thing that you're showing them about emotions is that they need to resolve yours.

bobbletrouble · 29/04/2018 18:36

My mum relied on me a lot for emotional support when I was young. I was quite an anxious child and it placed a burden on me that I don’t think was good for my own wellbeing. It’s been quite difficult to come to terms with as an adult, now that I recognise it for what it was. However, my mum went further than you’ve described - e.g. she’d confide in me about far too much. Also I think I was more sensitive to being affected by this than a child with a less sensitive personality might have been.

I would give it some thought though, if I were you. It’s a difficult balance as a parent, as you don’t want to come across as emotionless but children need to be able to rely on steadfastness and consistency from their parents, in an ideal world anyway.

category12 · 29/04/2018 18:37

Couldn't you just ask for a hug without the "I'm feeling sad" bit? It doesn't actually give your dc much of a choice of whether to give you a hug or not, if you do the "I'm sad" thing.

Hugs are good, have lots of them, all the time.

KnittinKitten · 29/04/2018 18:39

If someone is going to their DC for emotional support it means they aren’t getting it from the adult/s in their life. If you have a partner you should feel comfortable having those kind of interactions with them. If you aren’t going to your partner there’ll be a reason. Are you a bit needy and your partner is a bit less facilitating of that than your children?

KeepServingTheDrinks · 29/04/2018 18:39

I think if we want our children to learn emotional literacy, then the best way to teach it is to model it.

However, I think it's damaging to make our children RESPONSIBLE for our emotional well-being.

So "mummy's feeling quite sad, and I'd love a hug..... Thank you, I feel loads better now" is fine, I think. As long as hugs aren't ONLY to cheer up and this isn't all the time.

I think as you describe your parents: My parents always held their emotions in and expressed them away from me and my siblings, we never really saw them upset is unhealthy. I agree with you on that.

Lovemusic33 · 29/04/2018 18:42

I am a single parent, I do talk to my dd (14) when I’m feeling down, it’s not very often but I think it’s good to be open about feelings, I hope she can come to me if she’s having a rubbish day too.

Goldmonday · 29/04/2018 18:42

Please don't do this. I grew up with a mother who did this and I have a severe anxiety disorder and have trouble saying no to people and putting myself first.

What starts as cuddles after a bad day will slip into frantic phonecalls demanding you to drop everything and rush round for emotional support. It's taken me ages to be strong enough to stick up for myself and not feel guilty. If you had this done to you you would never do it to your own children.

Your mil is completely right.

Cheeseandapple · 29/04/2018 18:42

My mother has said the same thing to me, that the only thing that makes her truly happy is being with my brother and me. We've both grown up feeling massive responsibility for making her happy and guilt as we're not actually able to do so. Tread carefully.

TookyClothespin · 29/04/2018 18:42

I don't ask DD for a cuddle, but if either DH or i are sad for I'll she often want to give us a cuddle.
I don't think it's good to put the expectation pnchildren, but unhealthy to teach and encourage compassion.

Cheeseandapple · 29/04/2018 18:43

@Goldmonday sounds very familiar!

ferntwist · 29/04/2018 18:43

Could you ask them for a hug without telling them you’re feeling sad? It might spare them worrying about you but you all still get to enjoy being close.

TookyClothespin · 29/04/2018 18:43

So many typos!
On children
It's healthy to teach compassion, not unhealthy!

Runawaycat · 29/04/2018 18:44

I think it would be better to ask for the cuddle without necessarily mentioning its because you are sad, with no further explanation.

As a one off it's fine, but if it's happening every day that Janice in the office pisses you off, then not so much. It may be worrying your children, too. I was the sort of child who would have hugged, smiles reassuringly, then spent the night lying awake, wondering what was wrong and how i could fix it - but that probably wouldn't have been obvious to my mum

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 29/04/2018 18:45

I think in order to feel safe and content children need to believe that their parents are strong and in control. Letting them know you feel sad (if long term and not for bereavement etc) will make their world feel insecure and precarious.

Maybe ask for a hug "just because" and paste a brave face on so they don't have to live with the anxiety.

LadyLance · 29/04/2018 18:46

Do you think your children would feel comfortable refusing? I know you say you wouldn't put pressure on them if they said no, but they might not feel ok to say no if they know you are already feeling sad.

I can't quite work out why, but I don't feel 100% comfortable with the dynamic you've set up, and I wonder if it will set them up to accept problematic dynamics in future relationships.

I agree with other posters- do you need to name the emotion when asking for a hug? I think it's fine to name your emotions generally e.g. Mum's feeling a bit sad right now, and I do think it's good for children to see that you have emotions. But maybe remove the link between the two?

Joanna57 · 29/04/2018 18:47

YABVERYU.

You mustn't ever show your children that you are human, with feelings and emotions.

You must wrap them in cotton wool and NEVER let them see the real world.

You will damage them emotionally for life.

They will grow up severely damaged, probably with mental health issues.

Please, just lock them in a cupboard and only let them out when all danger of real life has passed.

Please.

Sprogletsmuvva · 29/04/2018 18:47

Have you thought about getting a dog?

I’ not being entirely flippant here. I was a slightly withdrawn, unpopular child. Couldn’t talk to my parents when I was feeling down. But dogs listen (of course they do Wink) without judging, and are usually good for a cuddle (the ugly hairless jobs perhaps not so much). I used to find a lot of consolation with our family dogs.

(Should go without saying that I’d only consider dog ownership if all areas of your life are right for it etc etc.)

sidsgranny · 29/04/2018 18:47

I spent my childhood trying to "make mummy happy". 2 failed suicide attempts later and as a 46 year old I'm still trying to be the one to keep her happy which is a daily battle. Anyone who inflicts this pressure on their kids is seriously affecting their life.

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