To wonder if it's ok to rely on your kids...

[ListenToTheEarth]

For emotional well-being.

(NC as family is on here 👋🏻 this will probably ID me and don't want my normal profile linked to me 😊)

I will try to explain what I mean but I'm not terribly eloquent...

When I am having a bad day, quite often the only thing that can cheer me up or make me smile is spending time with my children.
I won't go into details but I will tell them I'm feeling a bit sad and I would like a cuddle and they usually oblige (I would never ever get upset with them if they didn't want a hug!)

MIL says this is putting too much on the kids, that they aren't supposed to look after the parents.

My parents always held their emotions in and expressed them away from me and my siblings, we never really saw them upset and I think this is such an unhealthy thing to do.

I think it's showing kids that emotions are bad and they shouldn't be allowed to show them.

I know that when my kids are sad they will come to me for a hug and comfort.
They also know their emotions are valued and when I am upset, I ask them for a hug.

Is this unreasonable or not?

Yes and No.

I acknowledge my DDs feelings "It's ok to be sad because of x,y and z" and I also tell her how I feel if the situation is appropriate "I am cross with you because you hurt me when you kicked me" but I wouldn't necessarily say "mummy's had a bad day, can I have a hug?" as it's not her job to make me feel better.

So your DH isn’t able to give you emotional support.

And his DM thinks it’s inappropriate to express emotions to children.

Any connection there do you think?

I don't think it is fair to ask for a hug when you are sad. Like another poster said if they offer it then that is different. Although even then I can imagine it would make your child anxious to see you upset.

You don't have to hide your emotions but you can show your kids how you self-manage them yourself.
Hugging your kids WILL cheer you up cos it is a lovely thing to do, but it might not be the best thing for your child if it leaves them stressed and anxious.

It's not healthy as some claim. When they are older and have lives of their own, do you expect them to stick around? Close by? So you can still rely on them? What if they don't? What if they move away for work etc?

How will you cope?

It’s a hard one, there’s definately a line that probably shouldnt be crossed of being overly dependent on your children for emotional support as you want them to be empathetic and caring for you but also want them to feel confident enough to not have to always be a shoulder. But my relationship with my mum is very similar in a sense that I can tell when she’s worried or upset she doesn’t need to say it and I will be there to ask what’s wrong and listen to her and cuddle her or even offer advice, as she did for me all my life. It’s difficult to say yes it’s right or no it’s wrong I think it’s healthy to express emotion and allow your children to see that you too are a vulnerable human being at times and allow them to support you but don’t become overbearing on them as they may feel guilty that they’re not ‘looking after you’.

If you and your children are comfortable and happy with the dynamics of your relationship then carry on. If they feel burdened or pressured to be the ones to pick you up all the time you may need to consider giving them some space and confine in friends or other family and widen your support network :)

I’ve had depression over the years and s lot of anxiety. Mostly I do not tell my children about it but I do want to also be open with them so I don’t hide anything, if they ask me. I also have talked a bit about when I had post natal depression, I do want to show them it’s good to talk about how you feel, you aren’t alone and can overcome bad times.

But I don’t ask them to make me feel better, I don’t ask them for anything. I don’t ask them to understand I’m having a bad day. I have a very clingy needy mother and it is a real huge emotional burden for me. She’s lonely and she’s sad and she is good at sharing it around with her children to try feel better again.

All of this came unstuck when I had a major injury a few months ago and became quite reliant on my eldest DD. I am a single parent. I was in huge amount of pain and debilitated. It really was awful for her, seeing me upset and distressed and having to help look after me. My youngest DC is not particularly helpful in this respect and I didn’t want to pressure them, although DD1 really took this on herself as she felt that it was what you do in a family. I still feel guilty about it now, and hate that she was in that position where for a time she wasn’t a child so much. I’m so grateful to her but she did feel overwhelmed and our relationship was strained. I have recovered and so has our relationship.

I think my point is, put yourself in your child’s shoes when you need something from them. Will this have a long term effect on them? Is this really a healthy dynamic to effectively rely on them for your emotional happiness?

There's nothing wrong with having a hug with your child but IMO its wrong for a parent to use their child as an emotional crutch.

I haven't said to my children I was sad. But I have said " I have had a rubbish day can I have a cuddle."
So I suppose that is similar.
Doing that could: a)makes the child feel special to make someone happy with their cuddle.
Or b) make them worry.
Never thought about it so in-depth.
It makes you think.

I wouldn't do it. If I am sad and it has happened I say I have something in my eye.

I think you can rely on older DC for emotional support. My mum relied on us when we were little and she was sad. As i got older she often told me things for support like her councillor. I often feel like I am her mam. I always act like a tough Mam around my DC, I am very kind, show empathy but most importantly I try show them I will be protecting them from the bad stuff while they are still young.

You DH isn’t modelling supportive behaviour, your children won’t learn how couples work and support is given. Seems to me your DH hasn’t been taught it by the very person who is criticising you.

You and your DH need to work this out. As adults we need to meet our emotional needs ourselves, in our partnerships and with our friends. Or you will keep the emotionally unavailable cycle going.

And your MIL should fuck off. IMHO.