Is this controlling or normal?

[Contwixt]

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

@Heedmove - He isn't tightfisted with his own spending, goes on hols/stag dos etc and owns properties (other thread). Just won't give the OP any money.

I would be asking him to leave asap, or as soon as he goes for work, text that its over and arrange a friend to be with you, whilst he collects his stuff from your house. Give your Midwife a call.

He will not agree to joint bank. His money I suppose so can’t really say anything.

He saves a lot of it I think. I don’t know, he doesn’t really talk about finances unless I ask. I know that he said he paid £2K for my engagement ring but later seen the receipt and he got a great deal on it and it cost £1400. Not knocking the price, but it did surprise me that he spent that much on a ring. He also wants to buy a new car. The rest of the money (few grand I think) will just sit in his current account but otherwise will be in savings.

When I asked for money earlier as have that £1odd in my bank, he said “if we spend the way you spend, we will never get married or have holidays abroad”. But the thing is, I haven’t actually spent a lot of money. I got 95% of the twin stuff on my own (he bought Moses basket with stands, 2 packs of vests, box of Aldi nappies, and perfect prep machine) I bought everything else with my own money. So I guess he is referring to that. Yes previously, when I’ve been poorly I have attracted people who is now clear, used me for money. And I have lent money out and never got it back to numerous people. I do not go to town and start grabbing piles of clothes kinda thing.

As others have said. He has a 6 figure salary, is anal about spending 3 pound in a chicken and only has 3,000 in savings. Something else is going on here too. Does he spend lots of money on himself or has he savings accounts you know nothing about.

Does he treat you, or do anything nice for you Contwixt.

Get rid of him, OP. He won't get 50:50, so don't worry about it. Tell him to leave - he's keeping you as a slave.

Oh god op it gets worse and worse. He can buy himself luxuries when he wants, but begrudges you a pack of My little Pony bibs, and summer dresses for your dd. You can do it on your own, and you will! This £400 per month will never materialise, and you will be beholden to him, under his control, trapped and unhappy. He is abusive, nasty, unpleasant, and controlling.

I'm pretty sure DLA/PIP isn't means tested. DM got DLA when she had her own business.

It’s sad people have used you for money - did you tell this man about that? Maybe this is why he is being like this ( no excuse by the way but might explain why he is so controlling ) even so, he isn’t treating you fairly and it will get worse.

So you never get to hold or handle money ever again? You never be able get bus to other side of town to wonens refuge even. There is only one reason why anyone would do that. To stop you from ever having ability to leave or even go out of the house. Where can you go where you spend no money ever? Only do many parks you can walk around.

The we never get married or have holidays is just a tease. Please get done real life support and get him kicked out and benefits back. It will be so much easier now than when the babies are here.

As I said he wants 50/50, so he does not have to put his hand in his pocket and pay for his kids, not because he misses them and wants to be with them. He will probably use them in court as a means of controlling you.

Nope DLA is not means tested, I get it for both children who have SN, and dh is a high earner but not that high.

There's no bigger turn off than stinginess.

Get out OP X

Dh gets just under the threshold for CB.

Run for the hills, my exp was exactly the same at the beginning lovely, then I fell pregnant when we had been together 3 years didnt live together, he said he would move in when i was 8 month pregnant, he wanted me to be a SAHM for the first few years, I also had a 9 year old daughter with my exh, as soon as I gave birth he changed, I wasnt allowed to leave the house without him knowing where I was going, when the child benefit was paid he would take me to the post office to collect and take it off me, I had nothing, I had to beg for new things for my daughter as he took the child maintenance too, said it was her share of the bills, she wasnt allowed meals at school, i had to make sandwiches which she was happy with and always had didnt fancy the meals, but i had to use cheaper things for her lunch box, this didnt happen over night but slowly over a progression of time, by the end I was a robot, a slave, I had to have his tea on the table as soon as he got home from work. I had to get up an hour before him even if the children were sleeping, to make his packed lunch, cup of coffee and occasionally breakfast for him, then wake him in plenty of time. He would come home occasionally on a lunch time to check i was still in the home, ring at unusal time on the landline, gawd help me if i was in the bathroom or changing our child, this got progressively worse over the years and you know I seriously thought there was no way out I was stuck, my children were stuck. Then it happened he would threaten me over and over again, i was nothing, i could leave when i wanted but the toddler stayed with him, I really believed I couldnt cope without him, then he started telling her to be nasty to me, when i was feeding her he would tell her she didnt have to eat anything I said. Told her i would hurt her if i trimmed her fringe and it went on and on, then he started to hurt me physically, the day she turned round and said something nasty he had told her to say was the final straw i saw citizens advice and then a solicitor, went very early in morning and he still knew i was out of the home, he said someone rang him to tell on me, I dont know if this was true or not but i was petrified, by this time my eldest was living with her father for her safety, and to have a life, again i was convinced by him it was because of me she had left I was so confused by him by this time. Thankfully he didnt know i saw a solicitor i swore i just went to town window shopping, I had also been sleeping on the sofa for 8 months at this point then he went out drinking that weekend returned and beat the crap out of me, and instead of crawling into a corner when he went upstairs to his computer i left the house with a mobile phone and rang the police. Arrested and not allowed within a hairs breath of me, he sent messages he would get out daughter and she would live with him and if he wasnt allowed he would take her out of the country to live with family in his mothers country, he was wrong. Eventually I grew stronger and got all my old confidence back and my daughter has lived with me ever since yes she saw him for a few years court ordered until the day he asked for a psychiatric report done on our child, I agreed with no worries, she was found to be wonderfully cared for by me, I was found with noworries and a good mother and he was told to get parenting classes and in other words to grow up, since then he didnt want to know, my children and I are very close and happy and he well hes just a miserable sod that lives on this planet with no contact with his child his choice in the beginning and her choice now ... so the best advice i would give is the same as the other posters RUN dont walk just RUN apologies for the long post I have missed lots more out but I needed to give you the gist

OP, every time you update you make it clearer and clearer he's a tight-fisted bully. You know this isn't normal but you need to start laying some ground rules with him.

' I do not go to town and start grabbing piles of clothes kinda thing.'
Even if you did, you're an adult and as long as there's food in the fridge and a roof over your head, what is to stop you?

He just sounds quite dreadful and also definitely abusive.

You have the right to a midwife appt on your own. Could you ring ahead of time and speak to the midwifery team and ask for this?

He clearly thinks he's found a slave for life, but he's not thinking long-term if he's letting you cripple yourself with housework while you have SPD.

Sorry - I know this is the man you've chosen to live with and planned a life with, and I know this is a lot to get your head round.

I'm really glad you posted here though. I hope it's useful in the short and in the long term for you.

Sorry, so many questions.

His mum is incredibly frugal and drilled it in to him from a young age about money. So I think it stems back from childhood.
She will not go out to places to eat, always does a packed lunch if we’re out for the day, if we go anywhere we have to look for vouchers first (such as clubcard points etc). To name a few. If for instance, we planned to go to Drayton manor for the day but a deal come up with 10% off Alton towers admission, then we would have to go to Alton towers. The local swimming pool is doing an encouragement thing where children swim for free for 40 mins or so at a set time/date. So he took her then instead of paying a few pound for normal time which is a lot quieter. He will not pay town parking (roughly £2) despite knowing I’m struggling to walk so expects me to walk quite far into town to avoid these parking fees. Or will drive and park in Tesco, but it is still a decent walk from shops.

He doesn’t like flowers kinda thing so won’t buy me stuff like gifts. Christmas he bought cheap stuff from China, like fake jewellery and reused an old book.

He does have a few grand in his current account, which I’ve already mentioned - only because I asked him how much he has in his bank as I only have £1odd - but has savings account too which he does not discuss.

Contwixt / you really need help. Please take some action. That’s all I can say. You don’t need this man in your life.

Same as previous person wrote, hope this is not true.
9 months pregnant with twins...must be about to give birth imminently.

Get rid of this man.

The place is a bomb site. I haven’t been able to walk these last two days as pain has been too much. He doesn’t even stack up the plates, he will just chuck them in the sink with food on. But that is an improvement as he used to leave them on the side wherever he was (dining table, coffee table etc). I’ve asked him for 5 days to take bins out as they are heavy... they are still in the hallway (I’m going to start cleaning now so will take them out). My mum is coming up tomorrow to stay for the week, to have my DD as I am being induced in a matter of days and I know she will help cleaning wise but I can’t let her in like this so will have to get on with it.

It is true, I have no reason to lie. I wish it wasn’t true..

Do ask him to move out ASAP. If you need his help until the babies are born, wait until you recover and then make your move. Do not put him on the birth certificate. He can always apply for parental responsibility’s later. When you have decided the date that he needs to move get your ducks in a row. Do seek advice from women’s aid. Don’t tell him what you are thinking or planning.
Please don’t stay with this man.

The thought of being on your own with new born babies must be a scary thought OP. Finding the strength to finish this relationship would be hard. However, being on your own would at least mean you would be free to make your own decisions and spent whatever money you have as you see fit, rather than having to be holden to this controlling person for the rest of your life. Get out now while you have the chance! xx

Mean with money, mean with love.