Is this controlling or normal?

[Contwixt]

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

He is NOT frugal. He is financially abusive. He has ZERO respect for you, your DD, your home. None at all. Is the tenancy in your name? Because you can tell him to LEAVE and he will have to go. You can tell him he needs to go because he does FA in the place and is financially abusive and if he says no you can have him removed. Then you can go back on benefits.You don't even have to have him there when you give birth.

He is abusive, OP. He is abusive. He is abusive and he will NEVER change. In fact, if you move there to be with him, he'll be worse.

Let’s hope your mum sees what’s what and helps you. She may see through him.
How can he not help you with a few plates or put the bins out?

Where is he right now?

Oh OP, I feel for you, you are in a truly shit predicament here.

The problem is because you are unmarried and because he is self employed, you A) have no rights to his money and B) he can quite easily tell CMS he doesn’t earn anywhere near as much as he does so he won’t have to pay you very much maintenance. It’s further shit that you have given up your benefits for him because as I’m sure you know, they take a while to come through and having zero money to survive on with twins due imminently is NOT a good position for anyone to be in. So if you were to kick him out now, there would be a period without money. I would advise telling them he has moved out and waiting for them to come through before kicking him out, just so you and your DC aren’t caught short. But yes, you do need to leave him... he is controlling and abusive, this is not normal behaviour.

He won’t get 50/50 access of newborns as PP’s have pointed out and I’d be intrigued to see how the courts would play it down the line with the distance between you tbh.

I’m actually quite calm. I feel a sense of relief oddly enough.. i will reinstate moneys tomorrow also. I have enough practical wise to get through until then plus, my mum said she will help financially too. So all is ok on that part. I just had these nagging doubts in my mind that it wasn’t right but alas, I wasn’t sure if that how it works... the man goes out to work, controls finances and the woman cleans, cooks, & looks after the kids with everything provided for. I just didn’t like not having any money in my bank or having to ask for things as that’s a new thing for me.

I know all the messages above seem to be coming on strong - but that’s because everyone can see where this is heading. You isolated and along with 3 children and a man who has cut off your access to personal money by moving in, and not only refused to share ANY of his money but prevents you from buying things for your babies or child.

It's not right, sweetheart. I'm so sorry you've been living this way. It's a very humiliating way to live and it quickly can warp your mind so it's hard to imagine being independent again.

"the man goes out to work, controls finances and the woman cleans, cooks, & looks after the kids with everything provided for. I"

In the 50's maybe

Lots of good advice on here.
Keep posting and take care

He has told me that he will not pay child support as he will have them 50:50 and will move to the area (in his own house) and work here to see the children.
He even laughed because one of his colleagues had to take on extra hours as he himself has twins (around ten) and he pays £1000 a month child support and pays the mortgage for them. He would never do that. I’ll be ok, I have enough supplies and financial support of my mum until they are reinstated.

Well you know the answer to this. Either stay and accept to be controlled financially and treated like a serf or tell him to get out and then he can pay maintenance. Nothing is worth loss of self respect like this. IMHO.

And what nonsense that he will have them 50:50. Don't put him on the birth certificate if you're not married.

Just try and keep away from discussing this kind of thing with him for the moment until you've separated and taken advice - it's so bizarre that he's said these things to you but at least you know he's intending to keep you entirely dependent on him because he knows he's not worth staying with out of choice.

He sounds like an utter arse op. Get out and stay out

If he moves to your area, the judge may grant 50:50 access further down the line but it isn’t usually until they’re toddlers at least. No judge likes to separate newborns from their mother so I would cross that bridge when you come to it. I’m glad your Mother is around to help.

This would have been a very normal situation for most married women in the 1950s and it’s so, so sad to think of. But it’s 2018 and you do not have to live like this. Good luck OP .

Also it’s good advice to not put him on the BC but he does have the money to take you to court and demand to be put on it which I can imagine he would do. I would be giving the twins your surname though.

This is financial abuse and usually ends up being psychological and emotional abuse. I dont know what the norm is but my partner (higher earner) gives me the majority of his wage to manage the bills, sort out a holiday and out of that i spend whatever i need on me and the kids. I think it would be reasonable for your partner to work out approximate bills plus money plus money for you which is in some way proportionate to his incoms so i would say £1000 a month! If he doesnt then leave him and cla child maintenance and i think you may get more than that plus other benefits. By controlling the money he will control what you eat, what you wear, where you go and no doubt use it as a weapon over the children ie he can provide for them and not you- even if you go back to work no doubt he will make it difficult in terms of who pays for childcare etc.

He will not have newborn twins 50/50 unless you willingly hand them to him. He's laughing at his colleague in front of you in order to ensure you don't get any ideas about child support - that doesn't make him correct. You can apply for child support through www.gov.uk/child-maintenance once they are born

No judge will say that babies under one should be away from their breast milk provider overnight so unless he starts lactating he can fuck off.

Similarly, you do not have to allow him into your house "to care for the babies" - again, he can fuck off.

Similarly, you do not have to allow him to be present at the birth - again, he can fuck off.

He is telling you thinks and you are obviously used to believing him, but he's spouting horseshit

'i will reinstate moneys tomorrow also. '

You need to have him out.

It's the courts that will decide if he pays child support and what custody will be OP. Not him!

None of this is normal, as everyone else has said.

I'm not sure I'd even want him to stay until your babies are born, as if he does that he will probably use it as an excuse not to leave. He will try to tell you how badly you and the babiesnow need him there, won't cope without him etc. and use that as his leverage to stay and continue his controlling twattery.

Kick him out ASAP. He can go back under the same stone he crawled out from.

Why the fuck is he going to all of your midwife appointments? I could understand sometimes the first one or two, and to the scans. Beyond that though is just generally unnecessary, and smacks of an attempt to see that you are behaving yourself according to his rules.

Phone your midwife when he is next out of the house. Change the next appointment to a time when he won't be there. Just tell him that they called you and said it would have to be rescheduled to a time not yet decided. Then get her to come round to you when he won't be in. Or go to her if that works better. That way you can tell her exactly what the situation is and she will be better placed to advise you or point you in the right direction.

How did you let this man’s penis anywhere near you?!

I will not be able to afford court fees, he will though. We've just had a discussion and he is saying it’s tax that is killing him (40%) that’s why he has to be frugal because otherwise we will run out of money. He earnt £8.1K last month before tax etc. and came out with £3K after.
He said he doesn’t spend anything on himself and I do. Which I don’t.. I wear bobbled maternity leggings from new look and primark vests currently. (Not knocking either shop!). He said that I have to stop buying designer clothes for the children (some Debenhams things I picked up in the sale and next) which I paid last month with my own money before it was stopped.

He isn’t taking you to court! He’s all mouth to try to control you

You need him out of the house before you can reapply for benefits . In the meantime , do you receive CM for your other child ? What about DLA/ PIP ? Neither of these is means tested . You can also still apply for Child Benefit and it can be adjusted through his text.