Is this controlling or normal?

[Contwixt]

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

Using your history of mental health issues against you is classic abusive behaviour.
In reality, he probably targetted you because he thought you might be vulnerable. Your MH history might be linked to this or it might not.
Try and avoid discussing separation with him at the moment and protect yourself a bit. You can talk on here or to Women's Aid.
Don't believe what he tells you - he has an agenda.

If he really thought you'd go on a spending spree he could still put regular small amounts into a joint account.

He is being extremely controlling and blaming you when that is questioned. That is abusive.

How horrible OP!! He doesn't sound like a nice man at all, he's already lined up his course of action if you were to split up so he doesn't sound like he's in it for the long haul or knows he's abusive so setting the threats already.

KICK HIM OUT. Get your own benefits sorted to provide for you and your children and get CSA involved no matter what he suggests.

This is abuse OP. Targeting women with a history of MH issues is classic. Makes you all the easier to gaslight.
Please don't let this man control you it will get so much worse after the babies are born and you are too exhausted to fight x

That is not normal and not ok. Even if you are bipolar and have a track record of being bad with money. Wanting nice things from the supermarket isn't being bad with money ffs.

IF you wanted his help managing money, like IF you said "I don't trust myself with full access to the joint account," a sensible response might be "Let's put a nice chunk every month in a current account for you then." Not "You can't have anything."

If nothing else, even if this was ok, which it isn't, you'll be providing care for his kids. You say he's going to cover all costs for that, but your labour also has value and your relationship ought to acknowledge that beyond just paying for costs. Nannies don't work for room and board but that's basically what you're proposing. You don't have to be ok with that.

Leave him. Don't delay. Deal with contact and maintenance afterwards. Get yourself back in a position where you have financial independence, regardless of how much that is. How are you supporting the child you have already? His behaviour is not ok. If he goes for 50:50, so be it but if you breastfeed, he will need to wait until that is no longer an issue and I doubt he'd get overnights for a while. Do it now before you have 2 small babies and are too exhausted and busy to get things in order. He isn't a good man, OP.

Also he is wrong (or lying) about CSA. He will still pay with 50:50 custody if you have a massive difference in incomes. And its doubtful he'd get 50/50 (definitely not at first) when you are at home and he's at work plus they have a sister at your house.

Op my DH is a bit tight with money BUT he would never ask what I wanted money for or forbid me from buying anything, it’s more that if we decide to go out for the day he’ll want to go somewhere that you don’t have to pay for parking or in a restaurant he’ll order the cheapest thing on the menu even if it’s not what he really wants. If I want to spend a lot of money he may tut and say “do you really need it” but he’d never go any further than that.

What you’re describing is totally dehumanising, he has the money to provide you with a comfortable life but he won’t allow you to feel secure.

I’d say to him that he’s being pathetic and he needs to make sure you’ve got access to funds, if you don’t want to have that conversation with him or are too scared to then I think it’s time you spoke to a solicitor about your legal position we’re you to leave him.

he will be going for 50:50-joint access

And he lives 200 miles away? Lol, no judge would make kids travel that much, that frequently so he can go and whistle for that one.

I agree BigPink, dh is a bit tight, but noway. We have separate accounts as I can overspend on erm luxuries, all the CB, DLA and carers (for dd who has ASd and learning difficulties) goes into mine, plus he gives me a set amount each month. Its nice not worrying about things, and go for coffee, dinner, haircuts, get new things for myself regularly. I do our shopping and pick and choose our items.

At the moment, since ‘moving in’ he has paid direct. The bills he will pay straight away no questions asked. It’s just other things which I found irritating such as there was a change over from school uniforms (into the summer dresses).. he had to do a few school runs in the morning to be convinced first that everyone else was wearing their summer dresses for school before purchasing a pack of £10 summer dresses from Tesco. I usually buy 4 summer dresses/cardigans & few packs of knee length socks but he said two only and one pack of socks. Erm, I seen an adorable pack of my little pony bibs in Tesco - same time as getting DD uniform and straight away he said no.

If I want something, I have to ask.. usually it’s a no. He will not send me money directly I have to ask if it’s outside the essentials. He has said prior that when I move, he will give me an allowance of £400 a month but I really don’t believe him now.

He does nothing else. I have to do all the house work, take bins out, sweep up, mop floors, wash up. He will leave plates on the side still with food on. I have severe spd and 9 months pregnant with twins, I am struggling.

I coulden't imagine living like you do op, it is like modern day slavery.

Please don't move in with him, he sounds deeply unpleasant and narcessistic as well as being as tight as Jessica Rabbits dress.

How can he be both self employed and earn a salary? What does he do?

OP this is abuse! He will wear down your self-respect until you are too broken to leave him. You need to do something now.

What kind of life will your DD have if you stay with this man? Is her dad still involved?

@Aeroflotgirl my DH is really weird about low value items, like today he ordered an espresso because it was cheaper than a flat white but when my flat white came he looked all sad and said he should have ordered one because that’s what he really wanted, so he saved himself a whole 30p, and the only time I’ve known him to pay for a haircut was for our wedding, otherwise he cuts it himself but when it comes to electronics only the best will do and he’ll spend a fortune on the best tv with millions of features that we’ll never use.

I don’t want to say what he does publicly. As will be a give away, and know a few people in RL that use this. I’ve said some things already (such as twins, condition etc) that is a give away and don’t want people connecting the dots as I’m already quite ashamed.

I will not move in with him. I will allow him to stay until they are here etc. But it is starting to depress me. I can’t say anything to midwife etc. as he attends my appointments.

I know I deserve better then this. I just didn’t know if it was normal co-habiting behaviour or not as I’ve pretty much been living in my own home and having my own finances for so long.

Considering he is so tight fisted, earns a six figure salary and only has 3 grand in the bank. He is either not very good with money and spending it somewhere or has large outgoings and is wise to be watching whats being spent. I couldnt stay in a relationship like that at all.

What does he do with the spare 4.5k he has? If his been earning this for the years you’ve know him he must be loaded!

Very controlling!
I haven’t had an income since the dc’s were born, DH bringing home the bacon.
We have a joint account which I have full access to.
I check large purchases with him but on the whole it’s “what’s mine is yours”

I would ask to see your Midwife in private and don't tell him or your GP. Wow he really is abusive op, and isolating you already, he is showing you who he is.

Op you can bet that when (if) you move you won’t see that £400 allowance because you’ve managed without it so far, so what do you need it for?

Can I ask how you’ve ended up 9 months pregnant to a man who lives 200 miles away?

How long have you known him and where did you meet him? Do you know any of his friends or family? Perhaps they can give an insight into why he’s so controlling, not that it matters why but if he’s otherwise reasonable and is just being a bit clueless then you can tell him to snap out of it, but it might give you an idea of what your future will be like if you stay with him.

You have nothing to be ashamed of contwixt

Maybe phone your midwife? Remember you don't have to let him go to the appts or be present at the birth if you don't want.

Do you have any support in rl?

Sounds like my dh, bigpink, I don't tell him what I spend as he would have a heart attack. For example he spends £10 on jeans, I spend £60. I can afford them, as I save, I also don't drink, smoke or drive a car(learning at the moment) so have a bit extra. Or I spend £20 on a top, and he spends £10. I don't have loans, credit cards or anything like that, and kids have everything they need and more. I also put aside money in the kids bank account for holiday clubs, kids activities, clothing.

Phone your midwife while he is at work and ask her to come round. Tell her you need urgent help. If she is anything like the midwives I know she will come..

I think you know that he is controlling and isn't right.

Have you claimed your £500 twins allowance and is the CB going into your bank account as that will give you some money to spend on essentials.

Oh Op he is really abusive. You need to start claiming again and kicked him out.
He is not going to get 50/50 of your twins. What an awful scumbag.