Is this controlling or normal?

[Contwixt]

Hi,

I will try not to drip feed. I am not sure if this is relevant to AIBU section - posting mostly for traffic.

I have been in a long term relationship with my partner for 4 years. We have been having separate houses and finances. I was intending to move into his house in August (some 200 miles away). As soon as I move in, I will not be entitled to any form help, I will have no financial means for myself unless I get a job.

I am disabled and I have a child from a previous relationship. I am due to have my twins with my current partner in a matter of days...

He has briefly moved in to mine (he is able to work all over the country so has a job here) due to the impending birth. Therefore, I have done things by the book and informed relevant people and my money has stopped.

The issue is that I’m not sure if he is extremely controlling money wise or if it’s normal? Though he is self employed - he is on a six figure salary, after tax, pension NI etc etc. he comes home with just over £6000 a month. bills are roughly £1500 a month all in.

His plan of action is to cover all bills, food shop, essentials such as nappies, milk and uniforms etc. But will not be giving me money personally. He has said that I don’t need it because everything will be covered.

Since coming up, he is in sole control of the food shop already (we can only have items if they are in the sale/reduced. If I wanted something that wasn’t discounted, then I would be told to put it back. For example, I wanted some chicken and as it was £3 odd, I had to put it back). He regularly checks my eBay account to see if I have bought anything. He does not want a joint bank card - fair enough, his choice. I suppose it is his money after all. I have been told that I am not allowed to buy anymore baby items because he said I have too much (I actually don’t, think he will be surprised when they arrive!).

Plus lots more - I’ll be here all day.

As it stands, I’ve got £1.60 in my account and have for weeks. In his account, he has £3000 and due another £3500 in the next few days. Plus he has an over draft of £1000.

I am not sure if this is normal. I have been on my own and have my own finances. I of course will try look for a job but doubt anywhere will take me on being 9 months pregnant now.. and being disabled also makes things harder. I am just finding it really degrading not having any money in my own account. I would love to have a coffee at Starbucks tomorrow but can’t go. I would love to book in for my hair to be done just before birth but I can’t afford it. I feel depressed. If this is the norm then I suppose I will be better off being a single parent. I honestly don’t know if this is how couples living together work as I’ve been on my own really for years and had my own finances.

This is the kind of thread where I actually want it to be made up rather than true.

Op / I wish you luck as you will be under his thumb forever if you continue to think he shouldn’t give you any money as he will be providing for the children! You should have an allowance for them and you - as you will know what they want and need , not him. If your having to scrimp on food what else will he say your spending too much on when you go out? Twins are going to be expensive.

He’s going to manage 50/50 care from 200 miles away when he works full time? Yeah ok pal.

He sounds like a complete dickhead. Nothing less than a joint account with your own card would work for me. He’s welcome to transfer 25% out or whatever to keep for himself or to save. But he can’t leave you high and dry.

*He’s going to manage 50/50 care from 200 miles away when he works full time? Yeah ok pal

^ this. And of course his impressive career will continue to blossom....

OP, I realise you're about to give birth and that you must have an awful lot on your mind.
Please come back to this thread in the future and look over it again.

He's incredibly financially abusive.
This is coercive control.
If you're able to prove that he's refusing to give you money and that he's checking up on your purchases, he could be convicted of abuse.

He's only this cocky because he thinks you won't stand up for yourself.

Contact Women's Aid when you feel able. They will not judge nor pressure you.

He can of course ask the court for 50/50 but if you're breastfeeding and/or they're small babies the court will not be super-likely to go along with that especially if you're a SAHM and he's working. [not legal advice, of course, but based on what I've observed]

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/financial-abuse/

Having to justify every penny you spend on breast pads, maternity knickers etc is humiliating. You're better than this. You could be independent. Don't let him do this to you.

Jesus
Ok you need to be clever. Get him out of your home without letting on that it's permanent. Then claim your benefits, get into a routine with your kids and when he's 200 miles away let him try to get 50/50.
What an arsehole he is.

“He has said if we split, then he will not be paying child support as he will be going for 50:50-joint access”

Ha ha what a plonker.
No judge in the land would award a Dad that works FT hours and lives 200 miles away, 50/50 contact. Even if he did get it would he give up his job to care for them? Childcare and other costs? That would prob cost more than maintenance.
I’d bet my house on him Not even wanting shared access, he’s just being a Cunt.

Real prize you’ve got there OP! Run, run like the wind and don’t look back.
He’s controlling and abusive (and I don’t say those words lightly on here), for the sake of your other child at least, don’t move in with this man.

Blimey someone said he was a bit mean! Understatement of the century! I can’t believe you were told you couldn’t buy any more baby stuff etc. A partner shouldn’t be telling you what you can & can’t do.

What colditz said.

'He has said if we split, then he will not be paying child support as he will be going for 50:50-joint access. If I don’t agree then it’ll be court. He says he doesn’t need to pay child support as he will have them half the week.

He is a nice person otherwise, just extremely over the top with money.'

He is not a nice person, he is financially abusive.

YOU need money to live. Your other child needs money to live. Even on benefits, you received money for yourself and your child to live. You don't have that now.

You need to put your existing child first and tell this guy to get out because you are better off on benefits.

He won't get 50/50 of newborn twins to move them 200 miles away.

And all these abusive twats say this! ALL of them 'I'll get the kids' 'I'll take you to court'.

The only thing you can rely on is that he will pay no maintenance for the twins no matter what. He will hide money, lie, etc.

But staying with this bloke is putting your existing child at risk because he is financially abusive.

Kick him out OP.
He is controlling and financially abusive - it's not normal and this is not a healthy relationship.
How old are you?

The only thing you can rely on is that he
will pay no maintenance for the twins no
matter what

If he’s working PAYE then he won’t have much of a choice, unless he’s going to give up his job.

Oh, financially abusive self-employed twats like him get out of paying quite often, 19.

OP, I'd ring your midwife and tell her you're in a financially abusive relationship. Because you are.

Is the tenancy in your name?

19lottie

Lots of threads in here where cms do not pursue fathers and they pay what they like.

He has said if we split, then he will not be paying child support as he will be going for 50:50-joint access.

he's showing you his real colours OP and you would be wise to heed this warning.
He's a controlling and no doubt abusive arsehole - you just haven't taken the rose tinted glasses off to see it.

Without him you have financial independence and control over your own life - with him you don't........does living with him really sound like the best thing for you?

He's not willing to share family money with you even though you will be doing the childcare and-no doubt-housework.

Moving away with him, living together with him is a bad idea.
He will isolate you, make you totally dependent on him and abuse you when you're already extremely vulnerable.
You might not be able to work after having dc - due to health or logistics....are you happy to be treated like this for the rest of your life?
I bet he will expect you to pay a big chunk of any wages towards bills to ensure you remain dependent on him.

Whether you stay in a relationship with him or not - don't live with him and don't allow him to control you.
If you split up now, there is no way a court will give him 50/50 residency.....and if he refuses to pay maintenance it works against any future residency plans.

Wake up OP, this guy is a snake.

Not remotely normal, not remotely acceptable. If he won't agree to an immediate change of attitude and start giving you shared control of family money I would be running swiftly for the hills.

You can claim the child benefit and receive it into your account and his tax will be adjusted. Please do this.

Everything else has been covered by previous posters!

You might think he's nice but I agree with pretty much everyone else - he's using the money to control you and this will be just the beginning.
Keep your own house and don't move with him.

I've seen far too many accounts of women moving far away from family/friends etc because a man asked them to (at least partly so they'd be easier to isolate and thus control), or they were convinced to give up really important things (e.g. own house/assets), to later be left with nothing and/or stuck in a terrible situation.

Please think about this, seriously, don't let him screw you over.

He’s financially abusive, get out now before you join homes/finances and you’re trapped.

Op everyone of these posts are warning you against him, and that he is being abusive and controlling. Please read them carefully and take note.

Agree with all of the advice given above
Please get in touch with your midwife and tell them what position he has put you in and that you think he is financially and emotionally abusing you.
They will be best placed to get you help and support right now.
Do you have any family close by?

Worried for you OP, please ask for help irl

I am sorry OP that you are in this position. This is not just controlling but abusive in that he is not allowing you to have personal expenditure limiting your ability to do anything or go anywhere or see family and friends.

Telling you that he would not pay you child maintenance and would have 50/50 joint access if you split is not really the conversation you would expect to have if you were in a wonderful relationship expecting to spend the rest of your lives together! He doesn't seem to have confidence in it working out!

I remember your other post, he's the cat guy isn't he?

OP I do think this guy sounds controlling and definitely isn't putting you first (as in previous post).

In an ideal world I would say LTB and definitely don't uproot your daughter for him, there are already too many red flags. He might talk about joint custody before actually meeting his babies but in reality he would probably be far to selfish to look after 2 toddlers!

Failing that, I would show him some articles on financial abuse from women's aid etc and explain why it is not an acceptable arrangement. Then say you need your independence give him an ultimatum, give me x amount a month into my bank account or leave so I can go back on benefits.

Make sure you get proof of his earnings before you kick him out, then get on to the maintenance dept ASAP after you give birth.

Sorry for the long delay.

He says he cannot give me money as I have bipolar disorder (been stable for just under a year) but in the past when poorly been bad with money. Usually borrowing it out and never getting it back.

He says he will move nearby and get a house if we were to split. Hence the demand for joint (50:50) access...

So abusive finacially.
Don't all abusive men threaten to take the kids if you leave? I think it's part of the "the script"
You'll be much better off without him, he's not "nice" he threatens to take newborns off a woman who hasn't even delivered yet and wants to leave the mother of his children penniless not even able to afford a haircut. This is not the role model you need for your children.