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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband being selfish and strange?

126 replies

namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 02:34

Posting here partly for traffic, partly cos I don't know if iabu.

So dh and I have always enjoyed a good sex life and it was always mutually satisfying. BUT the last 3 weeks I've noticed little to no effort on his part other than to get himself off.
Every time it's been either no foreplay whatsoever or literally 30 seconds and then the same position every time (him face my back on our sides). It's lasted no more than 5 mins each time. Then he's just kind of kissed my shoulder, visited the bathroom and then gone to sleep! No cuddle, no love u, no attempt to help me finish, nothing. Tonight has been even worse as he didnt even initiate anything (he always says something to see if I'm up for it) he just lifted my leg up and positioned himself, not even checking to see if i was physically ready, finished, no kiss, just sat in bed next to me watching the tv and on his iPad.
I feel kind of used at best if I'm honest and I don't know what to do or say.

aibu to feel mad at him? Is sex not always mutually satisfying? He's my only sexual partner so I have nothing to base things off
Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 03:06

I can't sleep because my brain won't shut up meanwhile he's snoring his head off. He didn't say a word to me not even a thanks. I feel like there's a stranger in my bed Sad

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 29/04/2018 03:11

Name change fail OP

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 29/04/2018 03:14

You do realise you’ve switched names? Plus I don’t tend to expect a thanks for having sex? I don’t know your backgrounds but maybe things have hit a rut? How’s the rest of the relationship, do you need more romance? Is it just the sex life causing issues?

Original poster
namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 03:16

Noticed thanks. Didn't realise the app didn't name change

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 29/04/2018 03:20

That is absolutely not normal! My dh is my only sexual partner but he always makes sure I am consenting, then makes sure I am ready! No wonder you feel used! I would be honest and say that his performance has been sh*t, you are not there as an alternative to a wank. If he wants sex then he needs to be considerate of you!

I would be keeping my legs firmly crossed and telling him that if he wants a quick orgasm he can have a wank in the bathroom. You are a person with feelings and desires and you deserve respect, he is not respecting you! Tell him you feel used and hurt by his disgusting behaviour! Did you make it clear that you didn't want sex? Do you feel like you have just been raped? As if he didn't get consent and physically forced you then that is rape! I am so sorry OP.

Secretlifeofme · 29/04/2018 03:31

DH and I have sex in this position often and sometimes we don't have much foreplay. However, that's because I have told him I find it exciting (I do) and we always cuddle afterwards and say I love you. This is very selfish behaviour from your DH and seems strange that he's changed recently. Have you talked to him about it?

Original poster
namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 03:31

i didnt say anything. I don't know how I feel? I feel sick and dirty like some sort of sex toy but i didnt say no and I didn't tell him to stop.
There's not been any problems, we've always been close, intimately. Romance is usually good but there's been a bit of a decline there too, but not as much as the sex side of things

OP posts:
mmmmmmmm · 29/04/2018 03:39

Sounds like he might be stressed, have you tried talking to him?

Original poster
namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 03:41

I did the first time, i said something the next morning, he got all offended so I let it go.
I have no problem with the position, it's ok just not all the time and 5 times on the trot is a bit ?? Sometime we skip foreplay but a quick fumble instead but again not everytime?

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 29/04/2018 04:03

He got offended? I don't like that OP! Is your dh in any way controlling? As he should be embarrassed and apologising, not punishing you for daring to stand up for yourself!

Original poster
namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 04:19

no he's not controlling he's the complete opposite.
I told him the first time that 'a quick fuck is lush every now and again but I was left a bit frustrated and a little hurt at the lack of usual cuddles'
His reply was 'what? what do u mean you were frustrated? what are you trying to say?'
I felt bad because I think he felt I was attacking his manhood so didn't bring it up again.

I have no idea what to say to him when he wakes up? I have a feeling that 'sorry babe, but u basically just used me as ur personal wank machine last night' wont go down well?

OP posts:
AlpacaLypse · 29/04/2018 04:28

If it's not good for you then he needs to know so he can have an option to work with you to make it fun again. If not come back here, us vipers will be very happy to give you lots of support and some total killer lines for back chat. But I hope that won't be necessary and he will up his game.

AlpacaLypse · 29/04/2018 04:29

Sorry rather a lot of xposts!

AlpacaLypse · 29/04/2018 04:34

In Large Easy To Read Letters.... 'at least ten minutes of foreplay or no pudding ever ever again.'

Stuck on loo/kettle/water bottle/whichever place he goes first in the morning.

CaledonianQueen · 29/04/2018 04:36

I would say, 'it's not meant to be a race and you 'winning' every time, is really frustrating and has grown old real quickly! He is a grown man, he knows your body and must surely have realised that you haven't finished! Surely he should be aiming for you to finish before him.

Alternatively, I would perhaps mention that premature ejaculation is something that happens to all men. However, you are left feeling used and unappreciated, not to mention bloody frustrated! If he can't discuss sex without getting offended then he is being incredibly immature!

leggere · 29/04/2018 04:40

OP, something must have happened with him 3 weeks ago and it's still on his mind? He's changed or something's changed, I would try to find out what that is.

AlpacaLypse · 29/04/2018 04:41

Sorry I accidentally deleted a couple of thoughts.. bless them they're not psychic just tell him the pounce in middle of night is sometimes sexy but isn't always and five times in a row is actually rather boring. I got bored after 3 and am annoyed with myself that it took until nearly a year in to mention that 'actually no this isn't a good and funny game it's rather annoying especially as I need to get up in about 2 hours to feed our children'. 'Unless you'd like to get up and feed them?'

leggere · 29/04/2018 04:46

OP said everything was fine until 3 weeks ago?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 29/04/2018 04:51

If he doesn’t even care whether you want sex and just goes ahead then he’s a creep. He made you feel horrible. Tell him that and if he doesn’t shape up immediately then get rid of him.

leggere · 29/04/2018 05:20

HELLLOOOO, all ye indignant women!! OP said everything was fine until 3 weeks ago! Indicates something has happened?

GnotherGnu · 29/04/2018 05:31

If he's entering you without bothering to see if you agree, that's rape.

Have you talked to him about this?

leggere · 29/04/2018 05:34

OMG!! I give up!! Good luck, OPFlowers

Ohyesiam · 29/04/2018 05:41

You’re not sure what to do or say? How about
“Sex needs to be consensual and mutually satisfying. It’s not ok for you to treat me like a piece of meAt. I have needs too, which youwell know as you’ve satisfied them for years. I want sex to be loving and satisfying. Can you please explain why you’ve changed your whole attitude.”

BoomBoomsCousin · 29/04/2018 07:18

I have a feeling that 'sorry babe, but u basically just used me as ur personal wank machine last night' won't go down well?

It might not go down well with him, but the sex hasn't gone down well with you, and he doesn't seem at all concerned about that. There may be slightly nicer ways of saying it. But your message to him is essentially what you posted here. And it sounds like you feel he's going to be upset with that message no matter how it's worded. So you kind of need to get over your fear of him being upset - because you believe he is going to be upset being confronted with the truth of his actions. So just do it, knowing he's going to be upset. Don't get agitated when you talk about it, but don't let his upset shut you down. LEt him know he needs to talk about this with you before you have sex again (and stop having sex with him until you are actually happy to).

Penfold007 · 29/04/2018 07:28

OP something has very obviously happened to your relationship. It's as though he has checked out this could be for many reasons and not just the very obvious one. Whatever the reason is your H penetrated you without consent and that's rape, I'm not surprised you feel awful. I'm sorry you've been put in this position.