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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband being selfish and strange?

126 replies

namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 02:34

Posting here partly for traffic, partly cos I don't know if iabu.

So dh and I have always enjoyed a good sex life and it was always mutually satisfying. BUT the last 3 weeks I've noticed little to no effort on his part other than to get himself off.
Every time it's been either no foreplay whatsoever or literally 30 seconds and then the same position every time (him face my back on our sides). It's lasted no more than 5 mins each time. Then he's just kind of kissed my shoulder, visited the bathroom and then gone to sleep! No cuddle, no love u, no attempt to help me finish, nothing. Tonight has been even worse as he didnt even initiate anything (he always says something to see if I'm up for it) he just lifted my leg up and positioned himself, not even checking to see if i was physically ready, finished, no kiss, just sat in bed next to me watching the tv and on his iPad.
I feel kind of used at best if I'm honest and I don't know what to do or say.

aibu to feel mad at him? Is sex not always mutually satisfying? He's my only sexual partner so I have nothing to base things off

OP posts:

DownTownAbbey · 29/04/2018 21:39

I know you want to feel reassured and have everything go back to normal but he's talking out of his arse. Of course he knew you didn't climax! He didn't care.

There's something hinky going on with him. To suddenly treat you like this after a decade of being considerate is odd in the extreme.

crimsonlake · 29/04/2018 21:59

You go ahead and waste the gp's time, or perhaps leave it for someone who really needs the appointment.

Original poster

namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 22:53

ok OH did NOT say I couldn't climax because there's something wrong with me (physically or mentally) nor did he state it was my fault at any point. He said he was worried because he felt what he thought was me climaxing but today it has become obvious that it wasn't. I, ME, THE OP said I would get things checked out.

when we are in the position we were in that would be the only way for him to know regarding climax. Also, it has never happened before so something happened last night that hasn't before.

He has apologised more times than I can stand today and IS horrified by what/how he's made me feel. The tears have all been very real.

Other, stuff has happened today (which is why I disappeared for a bit), that I came to update with, but after some of the comments I don't think I'll bother.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply and I apologise to the posters who feel I need to get a grip or am wasting every1s time, wasn't my intention, was feeling almost the lowest I've ever felt and needed some1 to talk to/look at the situation with unbiased eyes.

OP posts:

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/04/2018 23:01

Don't be so passive aggressive. You have invited opinions by posting... I suspect you see some truth in some of the comments, but I understand your loyalty to your OH also. However, I don't see anyone being unkind, I think people are trying to help you.

CaledonianQueen · 29/04/2018 23:02

This screams of excuses/ gaslighting OP. Your dh asked if he raped you because he knows fine well that he didn't ask for consent! That is rape! He is very lucky that you are defending him! You clearly did not enjoy it! Unless you have zero other signs of orgasm he knew fine well that you had not had an orgasm! Even if you are quiet as a mouse I cannot believe that you don't show very obvious signs of enjoyment upon orgasm!

Your dh knows that his behaviour has been horrendous! If the sign he has mentioned is, in fact, vaginal contractions then there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. So going to see the g.p for this would be a waste of both your time and your G.P's.

I do think that you should look into counselling for you both. Your dh needs to realise that your body is not his just to take! If any other man had done this to you, it would be rape! Consent is essential! As is communication both during and about sex! Your body felt violated and used, that is why you were so upset and that is why you posted on here for advice!

Rape happens within relationships, it isn't always the violent overpowering assault that comes to mind when you think of rape! Rape is also a husband entering you and having sex with you whilst you are asleep and have not given consent. That your body responds and enjoys it is purely because your body is designed to respond to that stimulation! Without consent it is rape and your dh did not seek consent.

Hopefully, your dh is horrified at his behaviour and this will never happen again! Please be careful though op, this is sexual abuse and he has gaslighted you in response to your distress. Have a look at this link, www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/04/2018 23:11

Op - I don’t see anyone telling you to get a grip. I see a lot of people telling you your dh is gaslighting you

And it’s worked. You say you want to go to the doctor. Not him. And that’s a reason why it’s all ok. Cos he didn’t suggest it. You did. But you can’t/won’t see his gaslighting that led to that.

Again. As I said earlier. I can understand you wanting to defend him but this is wrong on so many levels. I don’t think the little flounce is going to help you.

MrsGasManridesagain · 29/04/2018 23:17

This is the very definition of gaslighting IMO.

Lilymossflower · 29/04/2018 23:18

Bless to you op, I hope you get out of this ! X

pallisers · 29/04/2018 23:34

I'm kind of gobsmacked at the idea that a woman thinks she might have something wrong with her - worth checking out by a doctor - because he partner thought she orgasmed and she hadn't.

Do you think there is a terrible disease, OP, where one of the sympthoms is your vagina spasms during sex but you don't have an orgasm? In advance of your GP appointment, OP, I am here to tell you, don't worry. No such disease exists. Your vagina is working perfectly.

Did he only ever know you've orgasmed from those vaginal contractions? Is that how it worked for you in the past? Every single sexual encounter - you had those special spasms his prick could feel.
No exclamations from you, no positive affirmation of orgasm, no you going off your head saying yes yes yes or whatever? Just the vaginal spasms then.

I wish you well OP. I think this guy is just playing you big time.

Original poster

namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 23:54

gaslighting: A hidden form of emotional abuse, designed to _plant seeds of doubt and alter your perception of reality.
No hes not been gaslighting me.

I looked at the link (thank u) and was able to answer no to every single 1 of them so not domestic abuse.

I know what rape is and last night wasn't it. I know what an abusive relationship is and I am not in 1. I don't want him to ask me if he can touch me. And if this was a man who was not my husband I would not have stayed silent, I would have said no, so yes that would be rape.
And no, without being able to see my face in a quicky situation he wouldn't be able to tell.

My DH is not controlling me (he couldnt).
He does not knock my confidence or insult me. He does the opposite.
He does not stop me from studying, he encourages it. When I have a panic attack he does not humiliate or ridicule me, he cuddles me and reassures me that I'm ok and I am safe.

Yes I am defensive of my dh because I love him and he's the only reason I'm still here (no that's not me being brainwashed, just a fact).

Yes he can be a dick and drives me mad sometimes but it is never done maliciously.

No noone has been unkind but I was told to "get a fucking grip" earlier. I'm not sure what u mean by passive aggressive. I've been called passive many times (trying to be assertive more) but never aggressive, so that's a new 1 on me.

I hope I have, suddenly after almost 10 years, developed these contraction things and that's all it is, however unlikely that is now. Won't be going to waste GPs time then, but will wait until my next check up and bring it up.

OP posts:

leggere · 29/04/2018 23:58

Anyway, hope you sleep better tonight and that you can obtain counselling if that's what you want to do. Sorry you don't feel like giving us a further update but wish you well for the future OP. Come back any time you need to, we are trying to help.

leggere · 30/04/2018 00:03

Sorry, cross post. Thanks for the update, OP.

pallisers · 30/04/2018 00:50

do you really think these "contraction things" exist and are a cause for medical intervention if they go wrong.

He has done a hell of a number on you.

MrsDilber · 30/04/2018 01:04

Glad you had an open discussion op and everything you wanted to say was said and he listened.

I don't know if him not being able to feel you orgasm is a medical problem or not, my gut tells me no, but I'm not medically trained. Maybe it would be better, if he's unsure, that it's communicated, not assumed.

Storminateapot · 30/04/2018 01:10

This is one of the most puzzling and, frankly concerning, threads I have read. Something isn't stacking up here.

I'm going to hazard a guess that your DH's blood tests are for more serious concerns than iron/B12 and he is projecting his fear that there could be something wrong with him into convincing you that something's wrong with you. Could be way off beam there, of course, but that's what sprang to mind.

I hope now that you have talked your DH returns to his usual loving self and your love life resumes as before (with your signalling system operating normally).

I sound sarcastic reading that back, but I really do wish you well. Do take care and please know that many of us are speaking from a position of concern for you that something just isn't right about this.

Original poster

namechanger14 · 30/04/2018 01:12

@Pallisers not contractions things (I don't know whether those exsist) but spasm type things, yes I do believe he can feel something, what reason is there for me to not believe him. Trying to 'gas light' me just so I don't get pissed off that he didnt make me climax is not a reason. If he has done a number on me as every1 is so adamant he has, then he certainly won't want me going to the GP and risk having everything revealed, so maybe I should make an appointment and see if he confesses or demands to come with me.

Genuinely intrested to know what it is every1 thinks I should do? Should I phone the police and tell them he raped me and is now trying to gas light me? Should I go to the GP and tell her what happened so she can phone the police and get me examined? Should I just kick him out and deprive kids of their loving father because all any1 is doing is making me question everything and doubt my own mind/instincts.

OP posts:

leggere · 30/04/2018 01:34

You're right of course pallisers, but OP needs a bit of time now for it to sink in, that's why I was going a bit easy. It took 2 years of therapy to de-brainwash me! But, we've all put the thought there so hopefully she will start to realise. It can take a loooong time! And it's so scary. Hope she'll be alright.

leggere · 30/04/2018 01:41

Sorry OP, cross post again. You're questioning things, that's good. Most of us can see clearly what's going on here, no way is it normal. Follow your instinct and go for the counselling you suggested. But try to have some sessions on your own, if you can.

Original poster

namechanger14 · 30/04/2018 01:55

@leggere I already have councililing on my own. The councililing dh suggested is for our communication in the relationship, but how can I trust my instincts and follow them when ur all telling me they are wrong?

Everything's wrong and messed up. So I'm just the poor little victim again. So I give up. Done. There's no point to any of it anymore!

OP posts:

leggere · 30/04/2018 02:06

What do you mean, everything's messed up? Try and explain if you can.

leggere · 30/04/2018 02:13

Your gut instinct is right, that's why you said "strange" in your title.

leggere · 30/04/2018 02:19

I'm worried about you. What did you mean "poor little victim again"? If you can't post on here and you need to talk, do you have rl support? Or there's always the samaritans?

Original poster

namechanger14 · 30/04/2018 02:24

Me, my head, my life, everything is just messed up. I just don't see the point in it all.

It can't be both ways. My instinct tells me he's not lying, that he's not abusing me.

When I wrote the OP my instincts told me something was strange. and it is strange. it certainly isnt normal.

OP posts:

MrsCrabbyTree · 30/04/2018 02:36

I agree. I don't think he is abusing you. But something is amiss in your relationship. Be aware, without becoming paranoid about every small detail, and I am sure things will start to become clearer.

(PS: For what is worth I don't think you need to see a GP)

leggere · 30/04/2018 02:39

namechanger14, really hope you're ok? Sorry if we've upset you or made things worse. Your gut instinct is right, but i feel (and others too) that something's really not right. Do you have a friend or close family member you can talk to, if you feel you can't come back on here?

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