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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband being selfish and strange?

126 replies

namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 02:34

Posting here partly for traffic, partly cos I don't know if iabu.

So dh and I have always enjoyed a good sex life and it was always mutually satisfying. BUT the last 3 weeks I've noticed little to no effort on his part other than to get himself off.
Every time it's been either no foreplay whatsoever or literally 30 seconds and then the same position every time (him face my back on our sides). It's lasted no more than 5 mins each time. Then he's just kind of kissed my shoulder, visited the bathroom and then gone to sleep! No cuddle, no love u, no attempt to help me finish, nothing. Tonight has been even worse as he didnt even initiate anything (he always says something to see if I'm up for it) he just lifted my leg up and positioned himself, not even checking to see if i was physically ready, finished, no kiss, just sat in bed next to me watching the tv and on his iPad.
I feel kind of used at best if I'm honest and I don't know what to do or say.

aibu to feel mad at him? Is sex not always mutually satisfying? He's my only sexual partner so I have nothing to base things off

OP posts:

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 29/04/2018 07:32

leggere, it doesn’t matter that something happened 3 weeks ago. He did something awful is the point. I don’t care if he’s upset, it’s no excuse. Fine, get to the bottom of it in time, but a man who treats a woman like that for any reason is horrible. Whether he abuses his partner after some sort of stress or not doesn’t change the fact that he’s an abuser.

Shoxfordian · 29/04/2018 07:34

Is there anything that caused this 3 weeks ago that you can think of op?

Stop having sex with him like this..If he tries again then move away and say you're not interested unless you orgasm. Have a word with him about it today, let him know he's being selfish and the sex is going to stop.

applesisapple5 · 29/04/2018 07:36

His reply was 'what? what do u mean you were frustrated? what are you trying to say?'

'I'm trying to say that this was not a satisfying experience, and actually last night wasn't even a particularly pleasant experience.' You need to talk to him!

GrainOfSalt · 29/04/2018 07:41

Actually I think 'sorry babe, but u basically just used me as ur personal wank machine last night' is pretty much the perfect thing to say. And if he doesn't like it tell him that is exactly how he made you feel.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/04/2018 07:48

Do you think because you said that a few weeks ago he is still angry over that comment. Not trying to make excuses for him as its horrible but its like he decided after that comment that he was making no efgort in future. Is he usually agressive if you pull him up on other stuff?

Ryder63 · 29/04/2018 07:55

Please don't allow yourself to be used as a wank sock, OP. This sounds like he's showing you the utter contempt he feels for you. You are now merely a convenient hole for him in bed. Ugh.

Juells · 29/04/2018 08:02

you are not there as an alternative to a wank.

Well put 😂

Fucking cheek. You might as well be a sock.

Blobby10 · 29/04/2018 08:14

OP this isn't right - it doesnt matter what position you use or how often it happens, but there should never be a time when one person feels used after sex/making love.

I speak from experience - for months my Ex and I had only had sex doggy style - and it was only until he had finished. What really brought home to me that our relationship was over was one day when I'd been away for 2 nights, came back with a different persepective on our marriage and our 'missed you'kiss moved to the bedroom where i gave him a BJ - for the first time ever he climaxed from it (it was usually foreplay) and promptly went to sleep. There was nothing for me - I went to the shower and cried and cried. He did say two days later when I asked him about it that 'it was lovely' but had no idea how he had made me feel.

CocoaGin · 29/04/2018 08:14

You need to talk to him about it. Say you felt very uncomfortable about what he did last night, and it isn't happening again. If he can't be bothered to put the effort it, sex won't be happening for a while.

You could also say you're worried this isn't him, is there anything going on he wants to share.

Walkingdeadfangirl · 29/04/2018 08:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

kristophersmum2008 · 29/04/2018 08:34

i agree with boom boom something has happened . dont have sex with him till uve sorted this out itll just make u feel more super ru bbish hopefully things get back on track soon.Mind and take time to heal .
It could be loads of stuff going on with him (quickness is a issue here to and my sex drive isnt the same) but still love him

daisychain01 · 29/04/2018 08:50

OP - what's stopping you from talking openly with your 'D'H about how badly he is treating you? You've noticed a big change in his attitude and treatment of you over recent weeks, but why can't you be honest with him about your needs?

Does he close down the conversation, refuse to listen, become vocal and offended? If so he is minimising your needs and prioritising his own.

You know this already, but you now need to be strong the next time he tries this stunt. It's best done when he starts to behave like this, so he can't deny it. You should not have to continue to accept his selfishness, and you mustn't let him shout you down, dominate the conversation and derail your message.

If you find it too difficult, and just let him use you, it will never be resolved and your self esteem will suffer x

couchparsnip · 29/04/2018 08:52

You didn't agree to sex but he did it anyway. That's the important point OP.

He can't go on doing this. If something happened 3 weeks ago that still isn't an excuse for his behaviour. What do you think would happen if you had stopped him? Anything but calmly accepting your right to.say no is a red flag.

pinkdelight · 29/04/2018 08:55

The fact that you don't/can't say anything is most worrying here. What are you afraid of? You know you don't like this so when he lifts your leg to put it in, say - no thanks, turn to face him and communicate. Or just say you're not in the mood. Or that you told him already that way leaves you frustrated. Say what you've told us. And if he says 'what do you mean?' Tell him what you mean. I'm not blaming you for this happening but as a pp said, he's not a mind reader. Before you have sex with him again in any style or position, have a proper conversation about it.

UnicornRainbowFluffball · 29/04/2018 09:47

If you can't tell him how he's making you feel for fear of him being annoyed you have a bigger problem than just the sex

MrsMozart · 29/04/2018 09:50

Bloody hell lass. Not acceptable.

And bugger him getting upset and feeling hurt' - what about how you feel?!

Mascarponeandwine · 29/04/2018 10:03

My friends husband started doing this. He was seeing someone else, and felt guilty so kept on going through the motions with her too but with no emotion (and was defensive when challenged on his behaviour change). The part about not asking but just lifting your leg up and going ahead was exactly what happened to her too.
Hope I’m wrong though.

AuntyElle · 29/04/2018 10:14

This is really shocking to read. I can’t imagine how awful it must have been.
I would definitely tell him today, out of bed, that something has obviously changed and that you don’t want to have sex for the time being. (That’s as a bare minimum, just to try to make sure there is no repeat of last night.)
OP

Quartz2208 · 29/04/2018 10:21

he is upsetting and offending you - you need to tell him how you feel. It doesnt matter if it upsets him - his behaviour is upsetting you and by not saying something you are not only saying its ok (and its getting worse over the last 3 weeks) you are putting him ahead of you

because actually telling him that is better than saying he raped you (which if you read your post he did - he assumed consent on your behalf without checking)

You know its bad - even if something has caused this you need to talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel

Original poster

namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 12:26

ok so we've spoken this morning privately and it seems tht everything was not as rosy as I assumed.
I tried to explain to him how I felt but it was coming out wrong so I showed him my OP, he was crying when he'd finished reading it. He had no idea that id not been reaching orgasm as my usual 'tell' has happened everytime. He also said that he'd noticed in other positions I seemed in pain a couple of times so he thought that this was a good position because of my leg.
He apologised for getting offended and thought I was trying to say he'd pissed me off. He's not very articulate so I should have enquired further when his reaction was not what I expected.
As for last night he's adamant he did say 'love u' but I ignored him so he went to sleep (I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt on that as he IS the 1 who says it most as he knows it reassures me). He asked if he raped me and I told him that he didnt and that if I honestly did not want to have sex with him I would have told him no. He asked if I wanted him to leave. I told him no, that I just wanted him to tell me what was wrong and to understand how I felt. He's devastated that I was up until 5 worrying and feeling awful. Said I should have kicked him out of bed.
He has said that he's now really worried about me because wen I orgasm he's always been able to feel it and he felt that while we were having sex. So I've agreed to go see GP.
He's wants to go to councililing because he said this is a massive breakdown in communication.
He said nothing is bothering him, or stressing him out but he has felt knackered recently hence the quick fumbles rather than what we normally do and he's admitted to me that he's had blood tests and he's waiting for results (possibly iron??).
I get the feeling we've only been doing this because he is trying to keep me satisfied (oh the irony) as I have a higher drive than him and he's worried I'll go looking elsewhere.

I don't feel like he raped me, I could have said no at any point and I know he would have stopped. I can count on 1 hand the amount of times I've refused him and every time he's said "cool, do u wanna just snuggle?"

As an aside he was pissed at me because I didn't stop him last night (I do have form for that) and told me that he can't go back to that.

We've come to an understanding of sorts, I'm going to be clear about where I'm at and he's going to respond accordingly iykwim.

Sorry long ass post was trying to respond to every1 in 1 go.

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 29/04/2018 13:07

Wait! 2 things jumped out to me in that post, OP!

YOU are going to your GP because he can't tell if you have orgasmed
YOU need better communication because he is pissed off with you

Is that what you meant, is it what he meant? Or is it (hopefully) one of those things that doesn't come out clearly when typed?

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/04/2018 13:13

Why the hell are you going to a gp?!

He didn’t fucking ask if you wanted sex, made no fucking overture towards you, just lifted your leg and put himself inside you and YOU need to go to the gp as he can’t tell when you orgasm.

It all kind of feels like the onus is on you. And somehow. Somehow. This is your fault.

I can’t get my head round this at all sorry

Huskylover1 · 29/04/2018 13:20

He has said that he's now really worried about me because wen I orgasm he's always been able to feel it and he felt that while we were having sex. So I've agreed to go see GP

Wait. What? Surely you know that you didn't orgasm, therefore you know that's a big fat lie he told you there?

As an aside he was pissed at me because I didn't stop him last night (I do have form for that) and told me that he can't go back to that

He can't go back to what?

Sounds like really shit sex, did he even know you were awake?

Shoxfordian · 29/04/2018 13:25

He's blaming you for his shit behaviour

leggere · 29/04/2018 13:35

Sorry OP, just when you think you have it reasonably sorted, it isn't. There's something really wrong here, you're taking the blame for something awful he's done and something which started 3 weeks ago, something which has made him disrepect you? You don't need to go the GP at all, you need to dig further and find out what's happening. He's also in a roundabout way, asking you to tell him to leave for some reason? That would be your fault again. Red flags! Sorry.

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