Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband being selfish and strange?

126 replies

namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 02:34

Posting here partly for traffic, partly cos I don't know if iabu.

So dh and I have always enjoyed a good sex life and it was always mutually satisfying. BUT the last 3 weeks I've noticed little to no effort on his part other than to get himself off.
Every time it's been either no foreplay whatsoever or literally 30 seconds and then the same position every time (him face my back on our sides). It's lasted no more than 5 mins each time. Then he's just kind of kissed my shoulder, visited the bathroom and then gone to sleep! No cuddle, no love u, no attempt to help me finish, nothing. Tonight has been even worse as he didnt even initiate anything (he always says something to see if I'm up for it) he just lifted my leg up and positioned himself, not even checking to see if i was physically ready, finished, no kiss, just sat in bed next to me watching the tv and on his iPad.
I feel kind of used at best if I'm honest and I don't know what to do or say.

aibu to feel mad at him? Is sex not always mutually satisfying? He's my only sexual partner so I have nothing to base things off
Confused

OP posts:
BuntyII · 29/04/2018 13:35

What the hell? That's some major gaslighting - he's been using you for a quick fuck with no effort and the result is you're going to the GP?!?!

He's only come out with half that shit because he's seen posters saying he raped you and he's terrified you're going to go to the police.

BettyBaggins · 29/04/2018 13:47

GP??? Hmm There is nothing wrong with your fanjo op Wine

Original poster
namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 14:04

Sorry didn't explain it properly.

He meant he was worried as my usual 'tell' that I've climaxed if we arent face to face is something he can physically feel inside my vag and that he felt that same thing last night and the previous times in the last 3 weeks so he's worried something has changed inside (he's worried about me as in my health) so I've said I'll go to the GP to check everything is ok (sudden changes are something that should be investigated with a gp surely?)
He wasn't saying he knew I HAD climaxed more that he thought I had, if that makes sense.

The miscommunication is for both of us but whereas he will voice what his desires are at any given time (ie if he fancies a blow job or wants to use 1 of my toys on me etc) I can't do that.

When he said "I can't go back to that" he meant he can't go back to a time when Id hide certain things (well try to) eg if I was in a bit of discomfort I wouldn't say anything to him but as soon as he realised something was wrong he'd stop and ask if I was ok or wanted to stop. A fair few times I blatantly lied and said I was fine but he knew after a few seconds of starting up again. It was not a great period and almost broke us several times.

OP posts:
fuckingjournocunts · 29/04/2018 14:09

What? Wait...what?
Soooo basically it's all your fault then op.
Nice job namechangers husband if you're still reading this. Very clever way of deflecting there. You should be a politician with those skills.

Op-
It's him not you. There is something seriously wrong going on and I wouldn't believe a word that is coming out of his mouth and no I don't know him but I do know a liar when I sniff the shit that he's been saying.
I cannot believe he says you need to see a doctor. That's really taken me aback.

TuTru · 29/04/2018 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuckingjournocunts · 29/04/2018 14:16

Vaginal contractions happen when women get aroused so they can happen whether or not you orgasm.

leggere · 29/04/2018 14:18

Didn't you know he'd been for blood tests, op? Why is he keeping this secret? All a bit weird, don't have sex with him any more until you find out what's going on and why's he's disrespected you in bed. It's nasty, sorry you're going through this.Flowers

BettyBaggins · 29/04/2018 14:25

Yes whats all the blood test thing about too?? Why wouldnt he tell you he was going to gp himself for tests?

You dont need the gp, your explanation of why he thinks you need the gp isn't ringing true. He is deflecting.

greenlavender · 29/04/2018 14:28

Am I the only one thinking this should be in Sex or Relationships? I opened it & quickly felt it was TMI.

leggere · 29/04/2018 14:30

Also, he's an adult male, not a teenagef (I presume) Does he really think a woman can orgasm within 5 minutes with no foreplay, no respect? How long have you been together? Was it really ok until 3 weeks ago? He's now lying, blaming, using you sexually and keeping secrets about blood tests! I would check out his phone and pc. Sorry op, it's awful.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 29/04/2018 14:37

Sorry but the miscommunication would be his issue. Lifting someone’s leg and just thrusting themselves in - how the hell is that communicating with you?

But YOU have to work on your communication skills. Right.

I still don’t get why you’re seeing a gp. He’s making you see a doctor cos he feels guilty he couldn’t tell you hadn’t had an orgasm. Hey here’s a novel idea - he could have asked. You know that magical communication he’s apparently really good at but you need to work on.

Sorry op. This whole thing is doing my head in. I can see why you’d want to defend him but you have to see this is not right

Quartz2208 · 29/04/2018 14:41

How come the net result is YOU seeing a HP because somehow you not orgasming because he can’t be bothered is your fault physically and not on him he is talking shit

Returnofthesmileybar · 29/04/2018 14:51

Bollocks to the gp "hello doctor, my dh stuck it in me last night without asking and then said my vag gave him mixed messages so here I am" no GP visit required, you know if your partner has orgasmed or not so he is a billy bullshiter

Original poster
namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 14:58

He hasn't read the thread. I just showed him my op. He doesnt need to read the rest to understand how it made me feel.

He's not said go to the GP, he said he was worried and I said I'll go get things checked.
It's not vag contractions as such more of a spasm? and only happens if I climax, has never happened when I've only been aroused.
I take his opinion on any changes seriously as he'd be the first/only one to notice things like that, rather than just brushing it off. Eg He was the first to notice I had a lump in my breast after I lost alot of weight (thankfully it was just a hidden absess).

The miscommunication is for both of us but as I said I do have more of an issue with communication, (I've known this for a while, it's not something he bought to my attention today). Counciling would be for both of us, not for me. I think councililing is a good way forward?

He asked if I wanted him to leave for a reason, it wasn't because he wanted to blame me for something, but without further details I can see why it reads that way.

No I didn't know he'd had blood tests done as it's to check for iron levels and some other levels (I assume for b12 and alike from own experience), so at that point wasn't serious enough need for me to know. Had it been a more serious test such as for diabetes, white blood count etc he would have told me (as he has in the past). He doesn't see the point (and nor do i) in causing worry where there may not be any.

We won't be having full sex again unless I feel 100% in the mood.

I know it is not MY fault, he knows that too. I don't feel he raped me. I didn't say no, I didnt WANT to say no. I just didn't want him to only see to his own needs as I saw it.

OP posts:
Original poster
namechanger14 · 29/04/2018 15:10

Leggere, we've been together almost a decade. I have climaxed in that time before so nothing to suggest to him that somethings not right.

Honestly, since approx 9 months into our relationship everything was good in the relationship until 3 weeks ago.

I have full access to the iPad (it's actually for both of us to use) and his phone is just a normal 'no frills' nokia, he doesn't want a smart phone (doesn't feel the need for one).

OP posts:
leggere · 29/04/2018 20:23

Thanks for answering questions OP, but please don't blame yourself (or let dh blame you) for anything. None of it is your fault, he's behaving disgustingly in bed and it's all a bit weird. Hope that together you can resolve HIS problem, it's not normal. And don't get misled by him crying, it could be a tactic. Not saying it definitely is but could be. And yes, I think counselling would be good for both of youFlowers

Alienspaceship · 29/04/2018 20:34

Eh? He has an issue and to sort it YOU’RE going to the doctors?? This is twisted

BasilFaulty · 29/04/2018 20:37

bless them they're not psychic

Confused Hmm

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/04/2018 20:45

Honestly, he's manipulating you. For whatever reasons, he has put everything onto you. I never comment on these considered threads, but he's much cleverer than you're giving him credit for, and I don't like what he's doing.

Pleàse don't let him tell you there's something wrong with you physically, he's full of shit and deflecting away from his own inadequacies.

gamerchick · 29/04/2018 20:54

He has said that he's now really worried about me because wen I orgasm he's always been able to feel it and he felt that while we were having sex. So I've agreed to go see GP.

Whut? Hmm I’ve read some total shit in my time OP but that’s special.

Your bloke uses you as a wank toy and it’s your fault? He’s a cock, there’s nothing wrong with you.

gamerchick · 29/04/2018 20:55

Yes actually go and see your gp. Tell them exactly what you’ve said in your post and you’re hisbsnds response, hence the visit and maybe they’ll give you some straight talking and maybe a number to ring to help you see the wood from the trees.

gamerchick · 29/04/2018 20:56

*your husbands

Quartz2208 · 29/04/2018 21:01

I will be honest you can feel the gaslighting he did not you enamanate from your posts

ferntwist · 29/04/2018 21:16

Can I maybe disagree with other posters and say the OP is right, they’ve chatted and DH is obviously really upset that she was hurt and hopefully they can just move on? Surely it’s not worth making it into a huge ongoing battle if it doesn’t happen again?

hdh747 · 29/04/2018 21:38

Vaginal contractions are normal during sex, not just at orgasm. They can also occur as a reflex against unwanted penetration - or unexpected. By all means see a GP if you're worried but the fact your DH thinks he can tell when you are having an orgasm and isn't getting it right doesn't seem like a problem in your anatomy! If that's the only inkling he has then it sounds like you two need to communicate a lot more about sex altogether.
Everybody has the occasional lazy shag when they're tired, but usually would have the grace to admit it and be sure their partner is ok with it.