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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL opened my birthday present

134 replies

cocktailsausages · 29/04/2018 00:32

It's my birthday and I had a small get together with family. An aunt gave a present to MIL to give me as she couldn't make it. MIL opened both the present and the card before she came. I know because she told me. And anyway you could tell they had been opened and resealed.

WTF?

I didn't say anything tonight because I didn't want to cause a scene. I now wish I'd said something. Is it too late?

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 29/04/2018 04:18

What the actual fuck?! I would absolutely call her out on this. Who does this? It's madness and can't be swept under the rug. Your husband needs to back you up on this or you've got a much bigger problem than an insane mother-in-law.

ElderflowerWaterIsDelish · 29/04/2018 04:52

Just a thought, but could she have been opening the card to see if there was any money in it?

And opening the gift to see if there was anything there that she would like to keep for herself (as in she takes something and swaps it for something else, and you and the relative would be none the wiser as most people just say "thank you for the gift" when thanking the giver so you wouldn't have realised she had swapped anything)

Get your husband to send a text to her like previous poster says

And when you thank the relative say thank you for a lovely card and gift, say I was a bit disappointed to received the gift and card already opened as MIL had opened them herself...I bet the relative will then ask MIL why she opened it..

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/04/2018 05:01

Omg, the NECK of some people!

My ex mil used to go through our stuff while we were at work. Once she rearranged my kitchen, she was very helpful Hmm

One day I left a vibrator on top of a pile of laundry on my bed as a special treat. I will die regretting never seeing her face when she saw it Grin

PonyPals · 29/04/2018 05:11

@Plumsofwrath perhaps your MIL wanted to be there for you when you had such long labour. She obviously cared about your wellbeing and that of her grand child. And like you said your DH wasn't there so somebody had to be. You're lucky you were not alone 🤷‍♀️

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2018 05:12

That is outrageous behaviour and something you’d expect from a 5/6 yo, not an adult. If you do call her out on this, you will need a really united front with your dh.

A few years ago, sil was fanny arsing about what to give nephew for his present. It had to be of her choosing. But despite 3 attempts I got nowhere. In the end, we agreed she would get the present and give it to me to give to her ds we saw them. They were visiting a few days later. The day before, I sent her a text to remind her to bring the gift. To which she replied she’d already given it. I queried it and she went ballistic, ie “I thought we’d agreed x”. Cue nasty messages from her, my brother, my brother to my dh. The next day brother started calling and we ignored the lot and they didn’t visit. We are now nc with them. Not for this btw.

Point is, people with poor boundaries can’t accept their behaviour called into question even when it is done in a non accusatory way. Good luck with speaking to your mil. A pp said about Facebook, not a bad way to do it. But do expect a lot of comeback on that!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 29/04/2018 05:56

Any chance aunt could have wrapped and unwrapped then re-wrapped for some reason (checking for price tag)?

junebirthdaygirl · 29/04/2018 06:43

My immediate thought was begining stage of dementia which is aready suggested.

dayinlifeof · 29/04/2018 07:20

It's times like this that you wish you'd been given a vibrator.

Lucisky · 29/04/2018 07:38

My oh's now dead stepmother started behaving oddly with presents. Shw would tell you what she had bought you immediately she purchased it, even if the event was some weeks away - a bit like a child unable to hold onto an exciting bit of information. It transpired that she had dementia.
I know that's not the same as your situation, but the fact that she told you is very odd because any person just being nosey wouldn't have told you, and could easily have re wrapped the present and put the card in a new envelope, and you would have been none the wiser.

SabineUndine · 29/04/2018 07:59

She’s policing your relationship with the aunt.

RippleEffects · 29/04/2018 08:03

I have a relative who gifts things like very out of date chocolates. She couldn't have been checking gift was okay could she?

Piggywaspushed · 29/04/2018 08:04

I agree with sabine. I have a jealous DSis and she opened presents from childhood. As children, to check whether I had better things than her. In adulthood, she would be checking to see if the aunt had given me a better present than she got, or whether the aunt had spent more than her/given a better present than she felt the recipient 'deserves'. I don't think people ever necessarily outgrown that kind of mindset.

FindoGask · 29/04/2018 08:05

the only possible way this would be OK is if the aunt has a history of giving bizarre or inappropriate presents (and writing bizarre/inappropriate cards) and she wanted to check your party wouldn't be spoiled. I admit, this does sound an extremely unlikely scenario.

redfairy · 29/04/2018 08:08

I think MIL just wanted a quick look ar what her DS had given you and gave it no more thought than that.

Finderscrispy · 29/04/2018 08:08

Assuming MIL’s not got form for this kind of behaviour. How do you know she opened it, might the aunt have done it?

Piggywaspushed · 29/04/2018 08:10

finders in the OP, she says she said she did!!

NotTakenUsername · 29/04/2018 08:14

I was too taken aback and because there were people milling around I just couldn't think of what to say. No form that I know of.

Tread carefully and be kind. Has she been your mil for a long time? Is the relationship generally good? This is odd behaviour, but until you understand more, try not to label it as bad behaviour.

I think it would be totally appropriate to gently readdress it today. Last night was not the time at all.

daisychain01 · 29/04/2018 08:15

the fact that she told you is very odd because any person just being nosey wouldn't have told you

The alternative explanation could be that, after opening the card and present, she had a moment of realisation, when it suddenly dawned on her that it was the wrong thing to do, so then felt the need to make a "confession" to relieve her guilty conscience.

Finderscrispy · 29/04/2018 08:18

Sorry missed that bit.

Maybe op could have responded with a ‘why? ’ at the time.

Strange thing to announce.

daisychain01 · 29/04/2018 08:18

And just to say, fwiw I feel you did exactly the right thing not 'shaming' your MIL in front of all those people. Although it feels intrusive, you've been the bigger person by leaving it before finding out more.

Hopefully she will appreciate your kindness when you broach the subject at the appropriate time.

snewname · 29/04/2018 08:28

How bizarre.

boywiththebrokensmile · 29/04/2018 08:30

''My 9 year old did this just the other week. It wasn't wrapped, but he tore open the packaging on a toy he knew perfectly well was a present for someone else.

He was then mortified and very upset by what he'd done. I think he just did it on autopilot, he simply wasn't thinking.

Is there any way this could be something similar? We all make mistakes.''

Christ-yea he did it as he was 9-that is to be expected, kids do inappropriate and stupid things all the time as they are kids and still have not matured or are fully aware of social conduct. The MIL is a grown adult and knows better than a 9 year old boy!! I used to hit my kid sister when I was 9 if we fought-would that justify my mum doing it to her sibling as I did it??? Probably the most ridiculous post or ridiculous thing I ever read. You are trying to justify the inappropriate, rude behaviour of an adult because 9 year old boys do it....

Skittlesandbeer · 29/04/2018 08:40

LOVE the response from previous poster- just tell the gift-giver what happened. Whether it’s dementia or shameless snooping surely a blood relative will have age-old methods of sorting this stuff out.

The only caveat I’d put is if you get a sincere apology, or got one on the night. Sometimes people do get a moment of clarity and regret only after the fact.

Or, they need therapy/cognitive testing/pointed fingers to prevent a precedent being set.

boywiththebrokensmile · 29/04/2018 08:43

''erhaps your MIL wanted to be there for you when you had such long labour. She obviously cared about your wellbeing and that of her grand child. And like you said your DH wasn't there so somebody had to be. You're lucky you were not alone 🤷‍♀️''

Exactly i do not see the problem with this,she wanted to be there and support you and see her grandchild...

Longdistance · 29/04/2018 08:43

Possibly mil wanted see if the aunt got you a better gift. Do they have compete against each other?

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