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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I can deal with DH being away for 6 months

131 replies

sahknowme · 28/04/2018 22:50

So my partner is starting a contract for 6 months abroad. It's in Denmark, and he will be flying back every weekend, but I'm not sure how to deal with everything. I work from 8 til 4, 4 days a week, and my 1 year old goes to nursery 3 days a week. This will have to increase to 4 days.

His job pays enough to hire some help, but I'm worried I won't cope. I'm thinking I can do the drop off before work, if I can find someone to do the pick up. I'll have someone to come in to do the cleaning. Now I need to work out how to arrange food, as DH does all of the cooking.

Does anyone have tips for how to deal with this, or AIBU to ask him not to go?

OP posts:
zinger · 29/04/2018 10:41

Why are some people being nasty? We are all used to living a certain way and it can be difficult to deal with change!!

Bramble71 · 29/04/2018 10:42

Must admit to being a bit annoyed at your post, even though I'm quite an anxious type, too. Have a bit more confidence in yourself, OP. Thousands of military wives, whose husband's salary definitely won't help them afford cleaners, au pairs etc, unless hubby is a commissioned officer or very high up the other ranks, manage it perfectly well, while coping with the stress that their partner might be killed any second. I hope that puts things into perspective for you a little.

Do you have friends and family around you (sorry, I haven't read all the replies) to help out where possible. You're in a lucky position to be able to afford help. Take advantage of that. Your hubby is home at weekends. If he's the chief cook, can he bulk cook for you, freeze it and then you only need to take it out and warm it up.

SparklingSnowdrops · 29/04/2018 10:46

I'm a forces wife and am in this position every week, except for when DH is on annual leave or I'm on holiday. I'm also a full time teacher and we survive. I don't have any help as we live away from family. It is do-able.

weaselish · 29/04/2018 10:53

I understand you're anxious as hangs is always hard, but for most people that sounds like a walk in the park. I work full time every day 9-5 with 45 min commute each way and drop off/pick up of two kids; husband leaves at 7am and back at 8pm most days. I do all cooking and cleaning. Weekends we both pitch in which is what you'll have. You'll soon get used to it, you'll just have to get on with it really. Once you're in the new routine it'll be fine.

weaselish · 29/04/2018 10:53

Change not hangs...!

NoSquirrels · 29/04/2018 11:05

So your DH has basically been the SAHP for a while? I can see this is a massive change.

You’ll be OK. Get the ILs to help with pickup one day a week if possible, otherwise a mother’s help will be great. Baby will be fed mostly at nursery so it’s just you to cook, you can do it! You’ll adjust, I promise.

Start planning some nice time visiting your DH out there. Flowers

happypoobum · 29/04/2018 11:26

OP, from your update, do you mean you have only spent time alone with your DC once or twice? All the rest of the time DH or other family members are there looking after him?

Bloody hell!!! Is there a reason for this? It sounds quite unusual.

How long until DH leaves? I would start to build up the time you spend alone with DS so that it gets longer and longer and you don't feel so anxious about it.

llangennith · 29/04/2018 12:20

Of course you’ll manage.

Hanuman · 29/04/2018 12:36

I think people are being really harsh. Like the OP, my DH is an equal parent and I am therefore not used to doing everything Monday to Friday by myself and I would find that a huge adjustment. No, it isn't as bad as being married to someone in the Forces but I didn't do that because I didn't fancy that lifestyle. I would deal with this if my DH really wanted to do this as one off but I am not interested in this type of arrangement long term and my DH would feel the same way if I decided I wanted to work abroad.

Also - a day off with a one year old is not a time when you get lots done! It creates extra housework if anything!

Cherrypieface123 · 29/04/2018 13:03

Loads of harsh replies here. The OP isn’t an army wife so it’s not a fair comparison. To be honest, I’d be mightily pissed off if my DH chose to take a contract overseas and I was left, literally, holding the baby. How selfish of him. It’s interesting that he feels he can do this and doesn’t seek work closer to home. I can’t imagine the OP feels able to make the same choice. I’d be questioning his commitment to the family unit.

Mylittleboopeep · 29/04/2018 13:20

So now the husband is selfish and his commitment to his family should be judged because he is taking up this post.

Yet if it was the DM taking up this post and the DH questioning her commitment to the relationship/family he would be slated here on MN for not being supportive, not treating her as an equal.

We are really all guessing as the OP has barely given us any information other than her 2 posts.

Posters are talking of her being "tired" at the end of the day!!!! Tired! She is working 8am til 4pm, a standard day for most with the bonus of working only 4 days. She will be getting her child collected from nursery (we still don't know why she can't pick up herself as she hasn't said) and will be hiring paid help.

She mentioned something about being used to having her husband at home. Is this his first post back into employment for a while? Maybe we should ask this before we suggest he gives up his job and finds something to fit in with his DW who obviously needs immense support.

Yes army wives choose that life agreed, but many parents find themselves in far, far worse situations through no choice of their own.

Wondering when someone is going to suggest she LTB due to his unreasonable behaviour.

OP why not give us more background and answer some of the many questions posters are asking? Some of us are genuinely baffled with this post.

DrEustaciaBenson · 29/04/2018 13:30

Mylittleboopeep and someone upthread suggested the husband should spend his weekends at home bulk cooking so the op doesn't have to cook during the week. I'm somewhat Hmm at the idea that a competent adult with access to shops and a fully equipped kitchen can't cater for herself and her child, even if her husband does normally do the cooking.

specialsubject · 29/04/2018 13:52

no one is born knowing how to cook but you are perfectly capable of learning. start with a student cook book which assumes no prior knowledge. your local charity shops will be full of cook books.

Mylittleboopeep · 29/04/2018 14:08

Agreed! Quite worrying that a mother or father for that matter who is responsible for a child cannot cook. What on earth would you do if your husband was ill? What would you feed your child?

pallisers · 29/04/2018 14:38

Your partner should be worrying about this too and coming up with solutions with you.

Why? Adult’s adult.

Precisely. He is an adult who has a 1 year old and a partner who works. The 1 year old needs to get to nursery/daycare every day and be taken care of every day. If he is going to be gone for 5 days every week then he should be sitting with his wife saying "how will that work with your schedule". Certainly not worrying about how to live out of a suitcase as someone ludicrously suggested.

I suspect if any woman were going to be gone for the 5 working days of the week she would be posting on here about tips for leaving food in the freezer to help her husband etc. And people would think he was terribly good for holding the fort all week.

MillicentF · 29/04/2018 15:46

"I suspect if any woman were going to be gone for the 5 working days of the week she would be posting on here about tips for leaving food in the freezer to help her husband etc. And people would think he was terribly good for holding the fort all week."
They might. But they would be being anti feminist and pathetic. I have no time for men who can't look after their families. All the "oh, he can't cook, poor pet. Fill the freezer for him before you go" schtick. Pisses me right off.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 29/04/2018 15:52

DH works away often through the week and although I miss him, I also love the time to myself. His first day home is always a bit "grr" because he's under my feet and pissing about with my routine (which I appreciate is unreasonable of me).

You have the opportunity to make it easier upon yourself so do it; hire the cleaner, have someone pick up your DC after nursery. But also prepare yourself for the fact that you'll have to just step up and learn some stuff. Being a competent adult in our house means being capable of doing everything; I can competently do anything he does, and vice versa when I'm away he's totally capable of taking care of himself and the DC and still managing to keep on top of laundry and housework. The worry is worse than the reality.

pallisers · 29/04/2018 19:04

But they would be being anti feminist and pathetic

Perhaps. Or maybe just wanting to help out their partner who will be doing the lions share of childminding because she will be absent during the week. Which is what the husband in this case should be doing.

Queenofthestress · 29/04/2018 19:14

Ermmmm have you really never been alone with your own child other than a few nights here or there?

Ginger1982 · 29/04/2018 19:27

OP, I think you need to clarify if you've been alone with your child much. If DH has been at home all the time since he was born then, yes, I could imagine you might feel daunted about him not being there for support. My DH works away often during the week and yes, I do miss him putting DS to bed while I tidy up or vice versa. When he isn't here, I do bedtime and then come down to all the tidying etc. But I can watch all my 'crap' that he won't watch with me on TV, eat what I want, put my headphones in and dance about the living room etc. It's not all bad! He went away for a week when DS was 3 weeks old. That was hard (I know it might seem like nothing to all you army wives) but it was the making of me as a mum.

You should be discussing this with your DH though. Chances are when he flies back, he'll be too tired to 'help' with any domestic chores...

sarcasmisnotthelowestformofwit · 29/04/2018 19:31

My DH leaves in a few weeks to work abroad. I have 2 DCs 9 and 7. He'll be back once a month. We've done it before when DCs were 4 and 2. Although was home every weekend then. I'm in denial at the moment. I know but will be hard but I also know I'll be fine. I work full time. And will have no time off and the weekends. But there are people who have it far harder and I will muddle through.

As will you. Chin up.

ConciseandNice · 29/04/2018 19:37

Can you open a tin of beans? Crack an egg? Have you operated a toaster? Boil some pasta maybe? Bananas are great and avocados supply a complete range of vitamins and minerals. You have one child who is one year old. You’ll manage. Good luck!

catx1606 · 29/04/2018 22:35

You'll be fine. My husbands an armed forces veteran and I just had to get on with it. You just need to get organised and learn to cook basic meals. My husband does all the cooking but when he was away, I managed to do basic meals. Personally I don't understand why you'll need a cleaner and someone to pick your child up.

GnotherGnu · 30/04/2018 08:12

It’s interesting that he feels he can do this and doesn’t seek work closer to home.

How do you know he hasn't, Cherrypieface?

User09876543321126 · 30/04/2018 09:18

I’m sure you’ll cope. You’ll have no option to but to cope. My friend works 4 days a week and is a single mum with no real help. She does everything (including all her cleaning) and she manages.

The only help I really get is with bedtime when my DH gets in from work and I work in emergency services so I work weekends/christmases and nightshifts. You’ll manage.