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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I can deal with DH being away for 6 months

131 replies

sahknowme · 28/04/2018 22:50

So my partner is starting a contract for 6 months abroad. It's in Denmark, and he will be flying back every weekend, but I'm not sure how to deal with everything. I work from 8 til 4, 4 days a week, and my 1 year old goes to nursery 3 days a week. This will have to increase to 4 days.

His job pays enough to hire some help, but I'm worried I won't cope. I'm thinking I can do the drop off before work, if I can find someone to do the pick up. I'll have someone to come in to do the cleaning. Now I need to work out how to arrange food, as DH does all of the cooking.

Does anyone have tips for how to deal with this, or AIBU to ask him not to go?

OP posts:
tillytrotter1 · 28/04/2018 23:36

Denmark isn't Afghanistan, be glad about that, you won't have to fear the knock at the door. Sounds like you need to grow up.

Dvg · 28/04/2018 23:42

Yeah sorry but yabu, people manage that and more.... try living off £20 a week with a full time job, no partner, no cleaner, multiple children in school and nursey.... I know a lot of people like that and they cope just fine.

nerversaynever · 28/04/2018 23:42

I'm sorry if I have misunderstood but why is this difficult?

You only have one child and your partner will come back every weekend. Why can't you pick the baby up if you finish at 4pm and surely any adult can produce edible food for themselves?

Sorry if there is something I have missed.

Cindie943811A · 28/04/2018 23:43

If you do decide to get someone to do the pick ups see if they can also prepare the evening meal. Then when you get home you’ll have just have to serve it up

Follyfoot · 28/04/2018 23:44

In the nicest possible way, many of us who were/are single parents managed with no additional help, no weekend partner, no nursery, working much longer hours and struggling financially week in week out.

I genuinely can't see a problem here.

TheCraicDealer · 28/04/2018 23:46

Another forces wife here, albeit one with no kids (yet). I don't think the comparison is that apt because most of us "knew what we were getting into" with a member of the forces, and you probably haven't had that.

DH is five months into a six-more-like-seven month tour and it's gone pretty quick tbh. The weekdays go by quickly, it's the weekends that are a bit shit when everyone else has plans or are with their own families.

But on the upside in your case, less chance of, you know, death, and he'll be home every weekend. Jeez that's great. You'll cope. Especially if you hire in help and have family and friends round you. And yes you would be completely and utterly unreasonable to insist he doesn't go.

sobeyondthehills · 28/04/2018 23:47

My Ex and me did this and like you, I was very nervous, however by the end of it, as others have said I was more annoyed by him being here and having a choice over the TV

wrenika · 28/04/2018 23:48

It doesn't sound like there's much to organise! You'll be fine once you get into the swing of things - any change always take a bit of getting used to. 6 months will fly by before you know it. :)

ALemonyPea · 28/04/2018 23:49

In the nicest way, you need to get a grip.

Learn to cook. Your working hours are not a 12 hour day. Your DH is back every weekend, so not away for a full 6 months like a forces husband.

You’ll cope.

monkeychickenpig · 28/04/2018 23:51

@KeepCalm that came across really mean and rude

monkeychickenpig · 28/04/2018 23:55

The thing I would struggle with most is the fact I wouldn't be able to spend the evenings with my husband to give him support and get support from him emotionally.
I think getting an iPad or making sure you both have great phones to face time is really important

Get a cleaner in before he goes so you can establish a routine

Organise someone to start dropping off your child at home or doing the morning drop offs before he leaves so your child isn't too shocked with all the changes at once

Enjoy the peace in the house if you can

Plan to visit him in Denmark and take it as a chance to try a new life style out.

Of course it's hard. It's the separation which would get to me most. This isn't a competition ladies about who has life the hardest this is about how a mother and wife can cope with her own circumstances so support is good otherwise maybe leave her be?

I would also look at the money. Is it REALLY worth it? Would you pay the difference in order to be together?
Can this help him progress his career? How does your husband feel.

Thank you for sharing your story and your true feelings. It is certainly a challenge but it may have many rewards for you all
,m

penguinsandpanda · 29/04/2018 00:05

You could try and change hours at work so you can do drop off and pick up.

Do a weekly online food delivery and just get simple things to cook.

pallisers · 29/04/2018 00:08

You can manage it.

But why are you the only one worrying about how this will work out?

Your partner should be worrying about this too and coming up with solutions with you.

TheKimJongUnofFeminism · 29/04/2018 00:12

“But why are you the only one worrying about how this will work out?”

Because nobody else can see a problem? And her partner is presumably worrying about how he will cope with living out of a suitcase and being away from his child for 6 months?

GinThereDoneThat · 29/04/2018 00:14

Echoing others, a weekly food delivery, a quick google of some recipes and food prep (if you have time) will be a godsend. If you can get someone to help with the pickup, great!

Yes, other people have harder situations and it is fantastic you can afford a cleaner and he can come home every weekend (!!!!!) but that doesn't take away from your own emotions and you have a right to feel nervous about a big change in your life. You got this

Battleax · 29/04/2018 00:19

Your partner should be worrying about this too and coming up with solutions with you.

Why? Adult’s adult.

Battleax · 29/04/2018 00:19

Or rather, adults adult.

FreeMantle · 29/04/2018 00:25

You can cope easily. I had to be at work for 8.30 and not get back till 6 AND walk the dog. It's not a competition but just to say it's not nearly as difficult as you think. If you don't get stuff done, well who cares really? You'll probably love the freedom after a few weeks.
The hard bit is him coming back every weekend and both of you being knacked/ excited to be back home. It's really difficult managing your expectations of the weekend and yet saying goodbye is miserable.

SouthernComforts · 29/04/2018 00:26

How will you cope for 5 days at a time, working part time with childcare and a cleaner? Confused

Ginaxx · 29/04/2018 00:29

My partner is in the military and has just left me for 3 months with a newborn baby. It can be tough but I would just say try and see the positives: you can stretch out in bed, eat the meals you want, have the tv to yourself at night and most of all the time you do spend together will be extra special. Just try to keep busy (which it sounds like you are doing!) and the time will pass. I've found that it's made me more independent and quite proud of myself. You will be fine x

Mylittleboopeep · 29/04/2018 00:30

Wow! Who suggested maybe asking the adult who collects the baby to prepare the OP an evening meal??? Was that a joke? Who do you suggest runs her bath?

Seriously OP you need to get a grip, organise yourself, learn to cook etc.

My DH was back at work (own business) one week after first DC (born via c section) He worked 2 til after midnight and all weekends often 8am til after midnight on Saturdays and most of Sunday. He had no choice! I had no parents and neither did he and absolutely no other family support or paid help. Oh and same when second DC was born (first DC then 2.5) also c section.

How do you think single FT working mothers cope?

You can absolutely do this, it sounds a breeze

Bouledeneige · 29/04/2018 00:32

Like others I'm not really sure how this is going to be difficult or why you would need any additional childcare or help? But if you think you need extra help you can get an au pair or an after school nanny - just advertise on gumtree or via the local grape vine.

But I'm not sure what the problem is really. I've worked 5 days a week full time since my kids were each a year old without a spouse - I did get extra help once they went to school because I wouldn't be home till 6.30 but on your hours it sounds completely do-able.

And relax. Easy.

EmilyGB · 29/04/2018 00:34

To be honest, it sounds like a non-problem. Call in every babysitting favour, pay for help, book two separate weeks' holiday during that period and don't worry too much about the housework, concentrate on quality time with your child and rest time for yourself. You can do this. I think it's awful for him to have to come back every weekend. If it was my DH I would say, "Make it once a month - you're working full-time and need to be able to relax at weekends, not spend hours at the airport."

LadyB49 · 29/04/2018 00:37

My husband was in hospital for 10 months (and disabled when he got out of hosp. )
I was 24, had a son of 6 months, and was working full time.
DH wrote off the car landing himself in hosp.
His hosp was on one side of the city. I worked 30 miles in the other direction. We had no money for a new car.
January snows.
I got a lift with someone nearby who worked near me. My mother lived near my work.
At 7am I took my child in the buggy out to the main road and lift picked me up. Dropped near my work I walked to mum's and she looked after my child 8.30 - 5. I popped up at lunchtime to feed him. At 5pm mum brought my son in his buggy to my work and I took over and walked to my lift pick up point.
At 6pm my lift dropped me at a bus stop on the edge of the city and I got a bus to my in-laws house. MIL saw to my son and FIL took me to the hospital to visit dh. At about 9pm FIL dropped me at my home. Got sleeping child into his cot.

Up next day at 6am to do it all again.
Somewhere after 9pm I got a wash on, got stuff sorted to wear next day to work. Weekends were housework, shopping etc and visiting dh in hospital in the other side of the city using public transport.

This was 40 years ago, no mobiles to make arrangements easier. Just stand in the wintry freezing weather and hope my lift made it through the snow.
No tumble drier to aid with laundry. We weren't broke but had it tight. Oh, and our mortgage rate was around 16/17 %. So I had to work.

Trust me OP, sounds like you'll manage ok.

Graphista · 29/04/2018 00:46

Another ex forces wife here.

No joke - the hardest part is when they come back and start moving stuff round and creating mess! Sounds daft but that's the point most forces wives (and no doubt dh's) find most difficult.

He does all the cooking does he do much else? Cos if not you actually get a break!

I did it for 10 years off and on (overseas tours, expeds, career training courses...) and for last 15 years completely solo.

You'll be fine. I'd actually even venture to say it'd be better if he DIDN'T come back EVERY weekend. It'll knacker him and unsettle both of you emotionally - especially the first couple. Like when you emigrate. Bad idea to visit home in first 6 months.

And yes look on the positives - you can eat, watch, do what you want, starfish in bed, set your routine to suit you...