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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder how I can deal with DH being away for 6 months

131 replies

sahknowme · 28/04/2018 22:50

So my partner is starting a contract for 6 months abroad. It's in Denmark, and he will be flying back every weekend, but I'm not sure how to deal with everything. I work from 8 til 4, 4 days a week, and my 1 year old goes to nursery 3 days a week. This will have to increase to 4 days.

His job pays enough to hire some help, but I'm worried I won't cope. I'm thinking I can do the drop off before work, if I can find someone to do the pick up. I'll have someone to come in to do the cleaning. Now I need to work out how to arrange food, as DH does all of the cooking.

Does anyone have tips for how to deal with this, or AIBU to ask him not to go?

OP posts:
LittleMonkeysWideAwake · 29/04/2018 08:27

You'll b fine! ....

(Hmm)

babysharkdodododododo · 29/04/2018 08:30

I think people are being a bit harsh (but this is AIBU, I suppose!). If this is something that you're not used to I can understand it seeming a bit daunting.

I do agree that you'll be fine once you get into a routine. It's a great feeling knowing you CAN do it.

If you can comfortably afford help, get help, there's nothing wrong with that.

Also, as a previous poster said, dont put too much pressure on the weekends when he's home. I had a friend in this situation and weekends became a bit tense because they both felt under pressure to make it 'perfect'. (Thinking about it, I think he was only home every 3 weeks or so, so a little bit different) But do just try and relax and keep things normal when he is home.

coffeecupofmilk · 29/04/2018 08:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sausagedogsmakechipolatas · 29/04/2018 08:35

You just get used to it. It’s an adjustment but it will be easier if you embrace it rather than rail against it, and recognise that ultimately it will benefit your family via your partner’s career.

I’ve done it since my youngest was small; three kids, full time work from home (sounds great but effectively means very long days worked around school runs and no time off when kids are ill) no family help and no cleaner.

Not that it’s a competition, but full time nursery and a cleaner will make it easy. You’ll be out all week sonthe house won’t get that messy, you can easily order food to be delivered and your child will be tired after a full day so bedtime shouldn’t be too hard.

Mylittleboopeep · 29/04/2018 08:38

Where in the OP's post does it say she has a long commute?

"If you hate it make sure it never happens again"

Imagine if a female came on here and told us that her DH had said that about her career? MNER's would be up in arms.....be honest they would.

Sounds like the OP has been very spoilt. There have been suggestions of cleaners, au pairs, companies that cook and deliver meals etc. I am waiting for someone to suggest that she saves all the cleaning and batch cooking for her DH on his weekends home.

Unless the OP has health issues or is 80 years old I really do not understand any difficulties here.

There are mums on here holding down several jobs with 2/3 DC's and doing so with no support and often in difficult financial circumstances, dads too!

Use this time to prove to yourself that you're less flaky than you have come across on here.

Sorry.....but to ask AIBU to say "don't go" almost too ridiculous for words!!!

DollyDayScream · 29/04/2018 08:38

I think that as well as domestic help, you'll need to ensure that you don't get lonely.

Try and get out at least once a week, or invite a friend over.

I've met a few people who grow to find that such an arrangement suits them very well.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/04/2018 08:38

You seriously can't cope? You only work part time, have childcare in place and cooking and cleaning is done after work by millions. You need to get a grip.

TeachesOfPeaches · 29/04/2018 08:41

You'll probably get used to him not being there in the week very quickly and resent him getting in the way and being Disney dad at the weekends.

Battleax · 29/04/2018 08:41

On reflection it seems likely that OP does have MH problems. Perhaps we should be more sympathetic.

BarbaraofSevillle · 29/04/2018 08:43

There's nothing in the OP that indicates a long commute, and the nursery would have to have quite strange opening hours if she is able to drop off and get to work before 8, but couldn't finish work at 4 and get there to pick up. Aren't most nurseries open until 5.30/6 pm at least?

Unless there is a massive drip feed, managing part time work, one DC and a house during the week, with a cleaner and money to throw at any problems (extra childcare, inability to cook) shouldn't be a problem at all.

pinkhorse · 29/04/2018 08:53

Op do you have additional needs that mean you can't cope with this? He's only away during the week and you work part time!

OlafLovesAnna · 29/04/2018 08:54

My DH has been away 6 months with only a 2 week trip back home. I have 3 kids and a ft job and what works for me is outsourcing as many jobs as possible- cleaning lady comes in, man comes to mow the lawn for a few quid.
Also getting the older children to help where possible with emptying dishwasher, pushing hoover around, flapping a duster about. Also my lovely childminder.

A diary where I write work commitments and children's clubs etc so I can see everything at once inc meal plans.

Give yourself a break if it's not perfect or you're a bit late on occasion.

Scabbersley · 29/04/2018 09:06

I don't mean this to sound patronising or smug but dh regularly works away. I have three children, three dogs, four horses and I work part time until 2 every day. I don't have a cleaner or any help apart from occasional lift sharing with other parents. My children are all very sporty and eat a lot. Two are teens with exams looming. I do the lot by myself so the OP made me goggleeyed. Unless there's something you aren't telling us you need to woman up!

user1471546851 · 29/04/2018 09:13

My DH does this too.
Works away Monday to Friday then home at weekends.
(Has done for just over 2 years)
I have 2 DC's under 4. Oldest is in nursery 5 mornings a week youngest isn't.
Couldn't afford a cleaner!
Or any other help!
I'm self employed and cram in my work to 1.5 days a week so that my mum has the youngest.
It's not that you won't be able to cope without him, you will just go through the daily motions until eventually it becomes the "norm" and you wonder why you ever worried!
I do however get lonely in the evening and more stressed if the DC's are unwell and I'm on my own dealing with it which can make you abit resentful of DH as this wasn't something I signed up for originally but then you have to take a Deep breath step back and think
At least I get a break and some help on the weekends.
There's so many ladies who do this day in day out completely alone and I take my bloody hat off to them all!

Mylittleboopeep · 29/04/2018 09:14

Very telling that the OP has not posted one single reply since her first post, unless I've missed it.

Are we talking to ourselves?

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 29/04/2018 09:19

AS shows the OP has a cleaner and thinks her DH working 8 to 6 everyday in a high level job isn't as mentally draining as he makes out and despite doing a great deal at home should do more Hmm

The break may just bring the OP back to the real world where people have to actually do things for themselves. If housework is too much, what would happen if he leaves and takes his share away nevermimd the finances as he pays for almost everything.

Original poster
sahknowme · 29/04/2018 09:25

Sorry just been trying to really think about what it is that worries me about coping. Looking at it practically doesn't seem that bad. I've gotten really used to DH being off work. He's an absolute rock and is very supportive.

My commute is about 45mins to 1hr each way.

My family isn't in this country, just the in laws. I've almost always looked after DS with either DH or my family around (other than a couple of nights here and there).

OP posts:
Eggzandbacon · 29/04/2018 09:25

I didn’t mind DH being away so much when DC were really tiny because they went to bed early and I could get things done.
DH is going away for 3 months at the end of the year. DC now stay up late and there are activities to contend with! Feels like I get no break now.

Battleax · 29/04/2018 09:26

So you think you’re suffering from anxiety?

livingdownsouth · 29/04/2018 09:41

OP part of me wants to tell you to put your big girl's pants on and get on with it (another forces wife here).

The other part of me wonders if your anxiety is taking over your life. Very difficult to tell after 2 posts I know, but there is nothing in your original post that would worry most - any - of the other people that have replied in the way it has you.

Abzs · 29/04/2018 09:53

My dh has just finished 8 rotations of 3 on/3 off offshore. The few weeks beforehand were a bit daunting, wondering how I'd do everything by myself. It's not that it's hard to do, actually, it's that it's a big change. Then ds and I got into our little routine of nursery and work, and only having that to think about is easier in a way.
Then, as others have said, dh comes home. It's hard not to see him as interrupting, with his demands for attention (having missed you), and plans for fun things to do to spend time together. This was the hardest part for me.

fc301 · 29/04/2018 10:04

Make the food less worrying by having a repetitive routine of easy meals. Eg
Mon - pizza
Tues - ready meal
Wed - pasta
Thurs - oven fish and chips
So you won't need to starting thinking about what to have when you get in tired and hungry.
(I do this with the kids as I cook 2 meals per night. It really helps)

fc301 · 29/04/2018 10:04

I don't use ready meals. I use leftovers from the freezer but you get the idea

GreenTulips · 29/04/2018 10:19

Can you move the baby to a nursery nearer to work could help with collection etc then

Scabbersley · 29/04/2018 10:31

Are you anxious about being on your own with your ds? Now that I can sympathise with.