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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder how I can deal with DH being away for 6 months

131 replies

sahknowme · 28/04/2018 22:50

So my partner is starting a contract for 6 months abroad. It's in Denmark, and he will be flying back every weekend, but I'm not sure how to deal with everything. I work from 8 til 4, 4 days a week, and my 1 year old goes to nursery 3 days a week. This will have to increase to 4 days.

His job pays enough to hire some help, but I'm worried I won't cope. I'm thinking I can do the drop off before work, if I can find someone to do the pick up. I'll have someone to come in to do the cleaning. Now I need to work out how to arrange food, as DH does all of the cooking.

Does anyone have tips for how to deal with this, or AIBU to ask him not to go?

OP posts:

MrsJackHackett · 29/04/2018 01:56

Is this the first time you'll have been left alone with DC? Is that what the worry is, like how will you cope say if you're ill etc? Is it a permanent move? If so could you think about joining him? I'm guessing you're on Mat Leave at the moment.

KeepCalm · 29/04/2018 06:03

@monkeychickenpig yup that's me. Notorious for being mean and rude

Just saying the same as nearly every other reply on the thread. It's a non problem and the Op shouldn't be wasting time worrying about it.

She'll do just fine. Positive mental attitude and belief in herself Is what's needed here.

By the way @sahknowme Denmark is an amazing place so instead of him coming home every wkend is there a chance you & DH can fly out to visit him on occasion?

BarbaraofSevillle · 29/04/2018 06:28

Even thinking of asking him not to go is ridiculous. And he's not even 'away for six months' if he's planning on coming home every weekend .

But the suggestion for you to go out there sometimes is a good one. You could probably fly out after work on a Friday and fly back Sunday evening.

If you have a cleaner and your DH does the cooking, do you do anything at all yourself apart from look after the baby? Why would an adult have to 'work out how to arrange food'? Surely you just buy it from a shop, get it delivered or whatever.

Unless you live somewhere really remote, there will usually be a choice of shops that sell a huge choice of food, or there are all sorts of delivery options from supermarkets, and Hello Fresh/Gousto etc and there are plenty of ready prepared options if you don't want to actually do it yourself.

In the the great scheme of things, this really is a non problem.

HoldingTheLineWinston · 29/04/2018 06:39

Ex forces here, and I understand how you feel..even after many years at it it was still a thought when DH went away and I was left, often in a foreign country myself, with the children. You will manage, I can promise you, and you will amaze yourself. Best thing I found was first to accept it's happening - trust me, that is a biggie, and it really helps..then break it down mentally into manageable chunks..so, since your partner will be back every weekend just tell yourself - I only have to get through 5 days - don't look at it as 6 months, just a series of 5 days. That is much more achievable mentally. It will pass and you will be ok, I promise (I managed 8 months with only a 10 day return after 5 months with two young kids, one with severe problems.)

isthismylifenow · 29/04/2018 06:42

OP, without coming across as mean, did you really ask if yabu to tell him not to go?? To that, yes massively unreasonable with cherries on top. He will be back every weekend, and you have a day in the week that you don't work. You could use this day to do whatever you need to, ie laundry, cleaning, shopping etc and, at some point you are going to have to cook, so start learning with easy small meals, which is all you will need in the week anyway.

You can absolutely do this. You need to become a little more independant, and you will

tomhazard · 29/04/2018 06:47

I've travelled extensively with my husband to avoid this, but he once did 6 months in the Philippines and it wasn't long enough for us to move over there. My dc were 4 and 2 and the time. I coped by: getting a cleaner, getting regular shopping deliveries, getting an amazing childminder to help me and not being afraid to take a day off work if one of the DC were ill. I also invited my mum to stay for as long as she liked! You'll manage - it's not ideal but at least he will be home at the weekends to help

FrancisCrawford · 29/04/2018 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheScandinavianWoman · 29/04/2018 07:09

He will be home every weekend, it's an hour away (I'm thinking you're in UK) come on OP! You got this!

Frouby · 29/04/2018 07:19

You will be fine OP. 4 days at work, your dh home at weekends, a cleaner, paid childcare.

Without being arsey you have it a lot easier than most. Try working 6 days, 3 dcs, no partner, on the bones of your arse financially. Or like my mum did. 6 of us. Working nearly full time. No help, useless abusive ex.

Even I coped for 6 months when ds was a newborn, ebf, dd was 9, no car, dp away mon to fri.

You need to put your big girl pants on love. And from experience the week will be easy. It will be when dh comes home at a weekend you wilp find hardest.

EdHelpPls · 29/04/2018 07:19

What a big change for you! I’d be in heaven if someone prepped all my meals and would miss them a lot if they stopped all of a sudden!

Ignoring all the mums saying your worries aren’t valid, what are you thinking is the biggest issue?

For food I’m thinking either get your DH to cook double of any meals he is making between now and when he leaves so you can freeze one. This is a fab site for ideas inc kids food if they don’t tend to eat the same as you. onceamonthmeals.com/
Dump dinners might also be good because you just put them in slow cooker in the morning and they are ready and waiting when you get home.
Won’t do you much harm to have a ready meal or takeaway once in a while either!

Do you have a really long commute?

elderflowerandrose · 29/04/2018 07:21

Maybe it is the lack of emotional support op will miss rather than the practical kind?

If you are used to a supportive and helpful dh of course she will miss having him there during the week. It is a big adjustment.

If you have the choice to turn the job down, then consider getting one in the UK closer to home. It would be better for you and the baby if he was living at home with you, and the extra money is an irrelevant if you are all unhappy with the arrangement.

flumpybear · 29/04/2018 07:21

Does your Nursery have extended hours? Mine was 7:30-6pm which sounds like what you need

Get a slow cooker and prep the night before

Get a cleaner

Order food online for delivery

Also you could ask your job if you can do half hour lunch and leave at 3:30 instead of 4 pm

Dermymc · 29/04/2018 07:24

WTAF he's home every weekend and you can't cope?! Get a grip.

Learn to cook quickly.

lifechangesforever · 29/04/2018 07:31

I honestly don't see how this is any different to him being at home, just maybe an extra trip to nursery.. surely you can drop child off at nursery 7/7.30am ish and pick up when you finish at 4 - nurseries are open until 6/6.30.

Then it's home, cook tea, ensure there's leftovers for lunch tomorrow, bath and bed for little one and a quick clean, TV and glass of wine for you?!

People do a lot more with a lot less help and money - it's honestly great if you have it it to spare but how do you think single parents do this?

Hanuman · 29/04/2018 07:33

"If you are used to a supportive and helpful dh of course she will miss having him there during the week. It is a big adjustment"

This was what I was going to say! Lots of women on here have husband's and partners who do absolutely nothing around the house - obviously they wouldn't see much of a change! - but if you have a husband who does their fair share, it won't be easy to lose that.

CartoonsAndVodka · 29/04/2018 07:35

I'm not a forces wife, but DH works away a lot, so I've befriended many over the years. The biggest difference and difficulty I've found is the 're-entry' period - how we adjust to having DH back and how he adjusts to being back. Like your DH, mine comes home frequently, meaning we have these awkward and grating situations at least once a week. It's shit and does take effort on all our parts to manage emotions - kids and adults!

You'll find the easiest bit is finding your own routine, once you get the hang of it.

starlightmeteorite · 29/04/2018 07:43

It'll be easier than you imagine. My DH worked away 6 days a week when I had two under two. No cleaners, no family help, no budget to outsource anything. I coped fine. I actually found it easier when he was away as I got into a routine. Things were much harder when he came home at the weekend messed up my routine.

porcupinepine · 29/04/2018 07:51

You will cope fine. You're already on the right track getting a cleaner etc. do you have family that can help out if you need a break?

I regularly spend up to 3 months away from hubby (no weekends) and it's lovely to spend time with my dc (9 months) on my own. Have my own schedule and do whatever I fancy. You might enjoy it.

Just make sure you have a solid bedtime routine and you know they'll be in bed by say 7pm, anything that needs doing around the house can be done after that.

WizardOfToss · 29/04/2018 07:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

speakout · 29/04/2018 07:53

Sounds fab.

He is back every weekend and you have lots of money, and you get the bed to yourself 5 days a week. What's not to love.

Fengshui · 29/04/2018 07:55

Yes, they key is getting into a routine. Also, plan something nice for yourself the first day he goes away so you don't mope and get sad.

Do whatever it takes to make it easier for yourself, and don't feel guilty about taking the paid help you can get.

My DH worked away for a couple of years in another city, coming home every weekend.I agree with others- the hardest part was adjusting to being a couple again - and letting him parent when he was home. He wanted to just step back into familylife, where I had coping mechanisms and my own routine that he messedup and interfered with!

Yura · 29/04/2018 07:59

Objectively you have nothing to worry about - cleaners, help with childcare, you basically have nothing to do in the household except food and washing.
Subjectively, what is you main worry? is it being lonely? objective and subjective concerns don't have to match!

HollyBollyBooBoo · 29/04/2018 08:00

Yes you'd be massively unreasonable to ask him not to go! Presumably it's good for his career or the money or some other plausible reason?

To be honest it sounds really easy! Get into a good routine, get food delivery booked for a set night each week, you've got the cleaning and childcare covered.

You'll be absolutely fine!

frenchknitting · 29/04/2018 08:07

Of course it is going to be hard for the OP - her workload is going to double. There is always someone who has it worse, but that doesn't mean there is no reason to be apprehensive about change.

It sounds like her current setup is very similar to mine, and i wouldn't be at all happy with the situation.

Also, I assume from her comments that she has a long commute. I also work 8 - 4 and couldn't manage to do both drop off and pick up at my 7.30 - 6pm nursery and also work my hours.

I'd be gutted if my DC had to go to nursery an extra day and miss out on their day off with DH too.

But, at least it's only short term OP. I'd get a cleaner on a Friday, maybe try and work from home to make pick up/drop off easier as much as poss, and agree that if you hate it then it never happens again.

clairedelalune · 29/04/2018 08:08

I can't believe you would consider asking him not to go

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