To ask Neighbor to stop knocking on our door??

[Flymetothemoon18]

Ok so this is feels like quite an awkward situation... We have a neighbor who lives the opposite end of our cul de sac who on 3 occasions this week while I have been at work in the evenings has knocked (loudly) on our door wanting my other half to go to her flat and help her out with some things. I will explain these but first I should mention that this woman has cerebral palsy so it makes me feel mean to be making an issue out of it.

Wednesday night at 9.45pm she banged on the door waking my oh and 2 of my 3 children up (my oh has to be up for work at 2am so it is an inconvenience waking him up at that time and also the kids as they have school) He’s gotten up stuck a pair of shorts on and ran down the stairs wondering what’s going on coz the knocking was loud. It was the lady asking him to go and change her lightbulb for her as it had blown and she couldn’t do it. As she asked she told him he didn’t need to put his top on for it and laughed. My oh agreed (put his coat on) and said he would have to be quick as the kids had woken up and he didn’t want to leave them here alone for long. Tbh this reason alone wound me up thinking my kids have woken up and he’s just left them, the house is barely in sight from her flat. He’s got there the light bulb is in her bedroom, as they’ve walked in she’s pushed the bedroom door too behind them, he’s changed the bulb and she’s made another comment about him taking his coat off again laughing. He’s responded he needs to get back to the boys and awkwardly moved past her out of the bedroom and then out of the front door.

Thursday evening at 10.05 pm she again has banged on the door waking him up, he’s suspected it would be her so this time got fully dressed and answered the door, and again she’s said she has a problem with another bulb. None of the children woke this time so he said he would go but will have to be quick (he’s not the type to say no to helping people) as they’ve walked to her flat she has said it’s a shame he was dressed tonight! He’s laughed it off and gone inside and looked at her hallway bulb, it hadn’t blown was just loose and needing tightening to work, as he’s left she has said thanks sexy.... he’s ignored her and got home ASAP. Again this has annoyed me before any other reason him leaving the kids but also this time that she seems to be being a bit suggestive and my oh has stated it’s made him feel uncomfortable. I told him to ignore the door if she knocks again.

Last night the door bangs again at 9.30 waking him up, he stopped in bed attempting to ignore it but it woke all 3 of my children up (to point out they are 3,5 and 6!!) so they’ve all started running up and down the stairs which are on full view of the front door and where this lady is standing. So oh has gotten up and answered the door, this time her kitchen cupboard handle had come off, he said he would look at it in the morning when he’s home but she said she was desperate for a drink and her juice was In this cupboard. He’s grabbed his screwdrivers which he keeps on our hallway shelves and this time took the kids with him, thinking it avoids leaving them and also made him feel more comfortable that he wasn’t going alone. When he got there the whole handle hadn’t come off just the bottom screw, she could still open her cupboard if she had needed to. She said to my children that their daddy is very handsome.... they all giggled and my oh kept his head down and left ASAP with the kids.

Now again it’s not convenient waking my oh up and the children, it’s certainly not appropriate them being left alone in the house at that time of night and also her comments are pretty inappropriate too especially when it’s making my oh feel uncomfortable. We only moved here 7 months ago, she doesn’t know us very well, and from what I have been told by a neighbor she is friendly with a few of the people who live in her block of flats so it appears she does have other people to ask. I mentioned this to a work friend who is also a part time carer locally and she said she is aware of this woman as there have been 2 complaints made by male carers as she has basically sexually harassed them when they would visit her, there is now something in place that only female carers are allowed to attend to her. I have also seen her stood in the middle of the street in a nurses outfit welcoming a man who she’s then taken in to her flat. (Which is fine we all do it but probably not so publicly and inappropriately, I was washing my car with my youngest son at the time) I’ve also had another neighbor when we moved in make a comment about her being a bit of a man eater and for my oh to not go in her flat. So she’s definitely that way inclined which again is fine each to their own but it’s not acceptable making people like my oh feel uncomfortable when he just wants to be helpful. Obviously I’m at work and my car isn’t on the drive so I’m assuming she can see I’m not there. So far tonight she hasn’t knocked on the door and I’m wondering wether she will if she can see I’m here?!

So aibu to speak to either her or her mum who visits most days and explain about my oh having to be up for work, and her knocking disturbing the kids and ask that she doesn’t keep knocking? I don’t want to seem unhelpful or unsympathetic to her situation but it is before anything an inconvenience. I know I sound like I’ve mentioned the inappropriate side of things a lot but I wouldn’t want to get into a situation where perhaps she reads more into my oh being just helpful. If I’m here il go and help her, I’m a dab hand at diy so that would just solve that issue. I don’t want to seem horrible or like I’m discriminating her in anyway and of course would be as nice as I can about it. It’s just been a strange few evenings for my oh and he’s shattered bless him, my kids are also a bit thrown by this lady knocking on the door the last few nights. AIBU??

YANBU
If she were a man treating a woman this way, it would feel quite intimidating and tbh I think it's bloody awful, CP or not.
You have every right to tell her or her mother to stop calling at night. That's not an appropriate time at all.
It's barely an appropriate call for a phone call in my household.
I'm really sorry she's treating your husband like this. She knows exactly what she's doing.

I would go around when her mum is there and explain the situation I would also speak to care company to flag it up as you don't know how she will react. If you are alone and she's annoyed she could say you said anything/ threatened her ECT. I also think you need serious words with your Oh I can't believe he left the kids , he's also in a dangerous position what if she comes on to him and he says no and she accuses him of something ? What if other people see him going there at night and report it.

You need to contact the care company and like you said make sure you speak to her when her mum is there so she can't make up and stories but definetly contact the care company and explain what's happened so you have told as many people as possible because she might turn on your husband and cry wolf when he says no to her next time.

I feel sorry for him, he thought he was doing the right thing, disabled woman struggling and needing help. I'm sure a lot of people would have done the same if she came knocking but yeah after 3 nights in a row he must have twigged she's taking the piss.

The woman needs boundaries and frank talking to

You coming here this time is completely inappropriate and i must INSIST you stop knocking at our door, I'm sure you can ask your carer to help you in the morning -goodbye
If she knocks again follow it up with please stop harassing me and our children

Imagine this scenario, OP:

One or more of your DC is found wandering around alone outside at night (or less likely, something happens in/to the house). Adult asks DC where mummy and daddy are. DC tells them mummy is out and daddy has gone to see the lady in the house down the road like he does on other nights when mummy is out. DC is technically telling the truth, but there are so many different ways that can be construed, and none of them good.

Now, obviously your DH isn't up to anything nefarious, but trying to prove that and/or escape from the inevitable gossip that follows you around for a long time will be very hard. Is this woman worth it? Is your DH continuing to be a doormat worth it? I highly doubt it.

Your DH needs to grow a spine and flat out tell this woman never to come to your house again. If she does bother you/him again, don't answer the door. It was bonkers to open the door to her in the first place. The only people I'd be opening the door to at that time of night are emergency workers or someone telling me my house was on fire. If anyone continued banging/ringing on the door, I'd call the police.

I would also notify her care workers, mum etc that she is sexually harassing your DH and that if it continues you will be taking legal action. You don't have to actually follow that up of course, as hopefully the threat of it will be enough for her to back off, but they don't need to know that.

Did she knock again last night op?

The problem now is that she's knocked several times late at night and he's went over.

He needs to start saying no I won't be coming over which will be difficult because he's said yes every other time and even taken the kids. In her head, he won't say no.

I'd go round and tell her not to knock again. Tell her your dp works and that she had women him and your dc up.
Explain that you can give her the name of a handy man, better still give her someone's name, could be anyone who you find on line.
Bloody hell anyone can open a cupboard I bet even my car could do it.
Say all this with a smile on your face. Tell her that your dp is just too polite to let her know that the dc are asleep and from now on if she needs anything to come when you are home and you will go round.
Bet all her diy needs will suddenly stop.

Tell your dh that he needs to not be alone with her to protect himself. She could make an allegation that he’s done something and it would turn into a he said she said. She sounds like her needs help but this isn’t your oh responsibility.

I hope he sees sense and you conversation with the neighbour goes well today

He needs to say No . It's for him to do not you

I mentioned this to a work friend who is also a part time carer locally and she said she is aware of this woman as there have been 2 complaints made by male carers as she has basically sexually harassed them when they would visit her, there is now something in place that only female carers are allowed to attend to her.

Your friend will get the sack if this comes out.

A couple of points, basically just repeating the same as pp's have said:-

1. me and dp have just been discussing this and he is the first to call CF on anyone. However, he said he would have done the same as he would feel a total c**t if he knew someone who was vulnerable needed help and he had said no.
   Yes he done wrong leaving the children, and there is no excuse for that. But I'm guessing you've already had him by the balls for that.

2. yes your friend has broken protocol by discussing a service user. This is a big no no. However, being realistic this happens- a lot. My manager head is shouting how wrong this is, however, my friend
   Head is saying, she gave you the heads up. By doing this, it has allowed you to assess the situation and realise the serious position that your dp has put himself in.

3. my suggestion would be, to go around together if possible, when a carer is there. Discuss what has happened and how it has to stop.
   This allows a third party to be present, they can document it, and also report it back to the office. A good home care service, will assess this, inform the social worker if one is involved, and document it. It all goes back to having a paper trail.

4. I can understand your reluctance on how to handle the situation. If someone has never had experience of someone with disabilities whether physical, learning or mental, it is hard to know how to handle a situation. So don't feel bad that you've had to ask. You say she had CP, but she may or may not have co-occurring conditions. That is why it is important that those who are supporting her, are made aware of her behaviour.

Good luck OP

Your dh is at risk of being accused of inappropriate behaviour, sexual harassment or worse.

If she cries rape or something similar he's put himself in a very vulnerable position. Leaving his 3 young kids to go to her house will make it look worse.

Tell him to stop being so fucking wet

I agree with pasanda you have a DH problem.

He (not you) has to tell her to pack it in.

Having a disability doesn't mean a person can't be predatory.

You do need to make either her mum or carers aware, so that they can support her to address her own behaviour. But be aware that you speaking to them may not be the end of the situation. Having worked with people with similar behaviours, it's amazing the lengths that some of them will go to in the pursuit of attention.

The very first time she knocked he had 2 perfect reasons to say no. Obviously he had small children in the house and COULD NOT leave them to go to her house. Also he had been asleep and was up for work in 4 hours. I can’t belive he went 3 times. Definitely don’t get him to say he can’t go because his wife doesn’t like it. He can say that he cannot keep leaving the kids and getting up for such ridiculous minor matters and he’s sorry but she needs to find someone else to help her.

Your OH was wayyyy out of line for leaving the children, but it sounds like he was trying to help what he perceived to be a vulnerable neighbor?
This ^^. Yes he shouldn't have left the kids but he was trying to help someone that he considered vulnerable because of her CF. That's actually a good thing you know. It shows compassion. Better that than someone who doesn't give a toss about anyone but himself. All he needs to do is wise up to the fact that she's not that vulnerable and he needs to say no to her just the same as he would if a woman who didn't have CF turned up asking for favours and throwing innuendos in his direction.

Dickheads and cfs can have disabilities too OP. Treat her like any other cf'er and tell her to piss off.

Tell her to go away and stop knocking at your house and if she continues you will contact t the Police for harassment.
She obviously has a thing for your husband and this will only get worse unless you stop it now.
Don't pussyfoot around do something now. This is your family she is messing with.
Don't be afraid to do something.

OP, i think Snowsky has summed things up really well. I’m pretty horrified by all the comments about how people with disabilities can be predatory too etc. If this woman didn’t have learning difficulties it’s unlikely she would have regular visits from carers. My friend with C P and learning difficulties has a lot of behaviour and interests you’d expect from a child, but of course is an adult and has been exposed to some adult conversations/stuff in her life, that she sort of understands but sort of doesn’t. Lives in sheltered housing (had carers before). Of course people with disabilities aren’t all perfect (like anyone is!) but saying she’s being devious is showing a lack of understanding of the complexity of various disabilities. I agree your husband has showed bad judgment but also that he’s a compassionate and kind man. I hope all the posters erring on disablist in their comments are lucky enough to have such a kind neighbor if they’re ever elderly, ill or vulnerable. Again, not saying he should have gone or should carry on, but hopefully OP you’ll get what I’m trying to say!

Equally, having a disability (even a learning disability) doesn't mean a person can't be devious. That's speaking with decades of experience.

It's not disabilist to say that people with disabilities are capable of intentionally negative behaviours. Sure, there are people who can't control themselves, but I think it's naive to assume that a person is doe eyed and innocent just because they have a disability.

Either way, by going to her house, he's showing her that the behaviour is acceptable and making it more likely that she will approach strangers in the future.

I agree of course someone with LD can be devious/not doe eyed- as I said no one is perfect, disability or not. But equally, it is pretty depressing how quickly people leap to worst possible assumption, rather than the surely equally plausible possiibility of naivity or lack of understanding on the neighbours part. The aggressiveness of posters egging on a confrontation when no one really knows the severity of this womans needs- or her vulnerabilityif strange men are turning up at her flat, ok it could be boyfriends or she could be being exploited... - seems pretty horrible to me. OP, hope you and your OH get chance to talk calmly with her and her mum or a carer.

I feel for you OP. Hoping you can work with you DH to get this resolved.

None of the problems your neighbour had were middle of the night emergencies. I'm sure she had more than one working lightbulb in her house, so simply turn on a nearby one instead. It's easy to open a kitchen cupboard without a handle, you can just grab the bottom edge of it. If she needed a drink so desperately, she could have had a glass of water. Middle of the night emergencies are your house being on fire, gas leak, locked out, medical emergency etc. Not lightbulbs and cabinet handles.

Cyber I don'k know if you have read all the posts, but a number of us that have said that people with disabilities can be as manipulative or CFs are disabled and/or have long histories with family, colleagues and service users with CP and other LDs.
Disability and Personality may be linked sometimes, but equally, they may not be related at all.

I'm truly sorry if you are already well aware of this, but the thread is moving fairly quickly so I though it was worth touching on this again.

Cyber Sorry, X post with your latest. Slow typist!