To ask Neighbor to stop knocking on our door??

[Flymetothemoon18]

Ok so this is feels like quite an awkward situation... We have a neighbor who lives the opposite end of our cul de sac who on 3 occasions this week while I have been at work in the evenings has knocked (loudly) on our door wanting my other half to go to her flat and help her out with some things. I will explain these but first I should mention that this woman has cerebral palsy so it makes me feel mean to be making an issue out of it.

Wednesday night at 9.45pm she banged on the door waking my oh and 2 of my 3 children up (my oh has to be up for work at 2am so it is an inconvenience waking him up at that time and also the kids as they have school) He’s gotten up stuck a pair of shorts on and ran down the stairs wondering what’s going on coz the knocking was loud. It was the lady asking him to go and change her lightbulb for her as it had blown and she couldn’t do it. As she asked she told him he didn’t need to put his top on for it and laughed. My oh agreed (put his coat on) and said he would have to be quick as the kids had woken up and he didn’t want to leave them here alone for long. Tbh this reason alone wound me up thinking my kids have woken up and he’s just left them, the house is barely in sight from her flat. He’s got there the light bulb is in her bedroom, as they’ve walked in she’s pushed the bedroom door too behind them, he’s changed the bulb and she’s made another comment about him taking his coat off again laughing. He’s responded he needs to get back to the boys and awkwardly moved past her out of the bedroom and then out of the front door.

Thursday evening at 10.05 pm she again has banged on the door waking him up, he’s suspected it would be her so this time got fully dressed and answered the door, and again she’s said she has a problem with another bulb. None of the children woke this time so he said he would go but will have to be quick (he’s not the type to say no to helping people) as they’ve walked to her flat she has said it’s a shame he was dressed tonight! He’s laughed it off and gone inside and looked at her hallway bulb, it hadn’t blown was just loose and needing tightening to work, as he’s left she has said thanks sexy.... he’s ignored her and got home ASAP. Again this has annoyed me before any other reason him leaving the kids but also this time that she seems to be being a bit suggestive and my oh has stated it’s made him feel uncomfortable. I told him to ignore the door if she knocks again.

Last night the door bangs again at 9.30 waking him up, he stopped in bed attempting to ignore it but it woke all 3 of my children up (to point out they are 3,5 and 6!!) so they’ve all started running up and down the stairs which are on full view of the front door and where this lady is standing. So oh has gotten up and answered the door, this time her kitchen cupboard handle had come off, he said he would look at it in the morning when he’s home but she said she was desperate for a drink and her juice was In this cupboard. He’s grabbed his screwdrivers which he keeps on our hallway shelves and this time took the kids with him, thinking it avoids leaving them and also made him feel more comfortable that he wasn’t going alone. When he got there the whole handle hadn’t come off just the bottom screw, she could still open her cupboard if she had needed to. She said to my children that their daddy is very handsome.... they all giggled and my oh kept his head down and left ASAP with the kids.

Now again it’s not convenient waking my oh up and the children, it’s certainly not appropriate them being left alone in the house at that time of night and also her comments are pretty inappropriate too especially when it’s making my oh feel uncomfortable. We only moved here 7 months ago, she doesn’t know us very well, and from what I have been told by a neighbor she is friendly with a few of the people who live in her block of flats so it appears she does have other people to ask. I mentioned this to a work friend who is also a part time carer locally and she said she is aware of this woman as there have been 2 complaints made by male carers as she has basically sexually harassed them when they would visit her, there is now something in place that only female carers are allowed to attend to her. I have also seen her stood in the middle of the street in a nurses outfit welcoming a man who she’s then taken in to her flat. (Which is fine we all do it but probably not so publicly and inappropriately, I was washing my car with my youngest son at the time) I’ve also had another neighbor when we moved in make a comment about her being a bit of a man eater and for my oh to not go in her flat. So she’s definitely that way inclined which again is fine each to their own but it’s not acceptable making people like my oh feel uncomfortable when he just wants to be helpful. Obviously I’m at work and my car isn’t on the drive so I’m assuming she can see I’m not there. So far tonight she hasn’t knocked on the door and I’m wondering wether she will if she can see I’m here?!

So aibu to speak to either her or her mum who visits most days and explain about my oh having to be up for work, and her knocking disturbing the kids and ask that she doesn’t keep knocking? I don’t want to seem unhelpful or unsympathetic to her situation but it is before anything an inconvenience. I know I sound like I’ve mentioned the inappropriate side of things a lot but I wouldn’t want to get into a situation where perhaps she reads more into my oh being just helpful. If I’m here il go and help her, I’m a dab hand at diy so that would just solve that issue. I don’t want to seem horrible or like I’m discriminating her in anyway and of course would be as nice as I can about it. It’s just been a strange few evenings for my oh and he’s shattered bless him, my kids are also a bit thrown by this lady knocking on the door the last few nights. AIBU??

Thank you everyone for your constructive advice, I will most definitely take it all on board when dealing with this myself tomorrow morning, I’m just going to be nice but firm, I won’t accuse her of any of the inappropriate stuff or bring that in to question just point out the impracticalities of her knocking that time of night. I will also tell my oh that if she knocks again and he doesn’t tell her no then hel be moving in with her coz I’m not standing for it. My kids are my priority and I’m not waivering on that! Thanks again

I wonder why she has selected your DH for all these jobs, I’m sure there are other people on the street she could ask. Hmmm. Flag for me. Also the no need to put your top on it’s ok. Another hmmm.

Just to mention cerebral palsy affects motor skills, muscle tone and movement. It does NOT mean a person is affected mentally. I know this personally.

Anyway DH should refuse to leave the house because of the children. And calmly say she needs to get someone else to fix her issues. End of story.

It's just such a shame he didn't say 'no I can't leave my kids alone' on night one. He thinks he is being a 'good person', but as someone has mentioned given the whole backstory he shouldn't be going to a vulnerable woman's house, and also he is not doing the right thing for his family by dragging your kids out of bed in the middle of the night. At this stage the whole thing is clearly a charade and he should only feel bad that he is doing the wrong thing if he goes there again.

Yes picking up on the fact she has carers, she obviously does have difficulties. You could try intercepting one of them, and asking some advice? Just a thought. They will know her well after all. Also from a safety aspect, it's not good if she's wandering around out of her flat late at night, she's approached your DH who has been kind and lovely, other men may not be

Melissa if you think the OP is a troll then why don't you report her?

OP - I believe you - also, your DH shouldn't be alone with her because she could make allegations against him.

Honestly op I think you are wasting your time talking to her, well I think your dh needs to first, otherwise I think she will think he stills wants to go around but it's you being jealous. He needs to say it first. I appreciate that's not looking likely though.

Normally I say showing someone a thread isn't a great idea but I think it might not do your dh any harm to read the (well deserved) pasting he has gotten here.

I hope it works out though, I must say it's refreshing to read a thread where the op doesn't get defensive and start back tracking when people say bad things about their other halves, I hope you get him to see sense

I will also tell my oh that if she knocks again and he doesn’t tell her no then hel be moving in with her coz I’m not standing for it.

Good for you. OP.

And if he's so weak that he just can't prioritise his own kids over some random, suggest he tell her one of you will come over in the morning. And then shut the door.

www.aboutlearningdisabilities.co.uk/about-cerebal-palsy-learning-disabilities.html

Just a link explaining how some ( definitely not all) people with cerebral palsy also have learning difficulties.

It is 100% real! Ashamed as I am to now be admitting it.... it’s not an easy situation, I think my constant verbal stripping down and arsy attitude towards dh has shown exactly what I think of the whole thing to him, but I dont or didn’t have a clue how to approach it with her because I’ve never been in this situation before! To me yes it makes me feel like I should be a little on tiptoes as I don’t want to be the woman on a disabled woman’s door going nuts, the last thing I want is to handle this wrong and bring more attention on the situation. Thank you to those who have given constructive advice I will take it on board

Well I’m a suspicious old cow so I’d go straight to thinking this is a very convenient cover story for him shagging her.

I think I probably read too many infidelity threads though.

He should just tell her one of the kids woke up and was upset last time, and that he won't leave them alone again. Maybe he could offer to send you round instead when you get home! She'll soon get the message without it becoming awkward.

I could not BEAR to be with someone so meek and timid as your OH. Get him on a parenting AND an assertiveness course ASAP (actually therapy might be best - no wonder you've anxious DC!)

Get CF neighbour told! Given your OH HIGHLY unlikely to handle it at all let alone well I'd just go round ASAP tell her enough is enough! It's not appropriate, it's unsafe to expect him to leave the DC alone and OH has to be up VERY early for work and she's affecting his sleep. That she's not to call around any more. I wouldn't put 'acceptable boundaries' in so she can call round 'if emergency' 'only before 8pm' because she won't mind them.

Her disability is irrelevant. She has support in place and as she's living alone is clearly capable of calling a handyman when needed and waiting till morning to do so. I actually wouldn't be at all surprised if she blew those bulbs and buggered that handle herself!

"Nope, we can sometimes be utter twats just like anyone else" I'll second that. Just because I'm disabled doesn't mean I'm perfect personally. I've also 2 friends with CP and they'd actually be offended at being seen as 'innocent' just because they have a disability - ones probably out clubbing trying to pull now!

Ophelia you're wrong - cp can present with cognitive impairment too. Generally depends on the precise cause and areas of the brain affected, level of severity etc

In this case she's savvy enough to wait until op out and manufacturer reasons to get the dh round so she can understand being (politely) told to knock it off!

He needs to tell her straight to stop knocking and leave him alone as he has to look after the kids. It's not heartless, she already has family and carers. If he says "not now, tomorrow" type of comments, she'll be knocking all the time and I agree with other posters it's inappropriate for him to be in her flat when she's made saucy comments or for it to come from you when she'll just ignore that and keep knocking when you've gone out. It needs nipping in the bud.

I really think he shoukd tell not to knock at all. 'Late at night' is a mixed message - what happens when she starts knocking at 6.30 am?

Some people with CP can have learning difficulties, however I've worked with two people in financial services that had CP, one guy was an accountant. So, see the person, not the disability IYSWIM.

@TokenBritPoshOfCourse I thought the same.
OP be angry at your DH as he shouldn't have left the kids. She may have issues linked to CP that impact on her and he needs to be firm.
Or he is shagging her and the kids woke to find him gone and he made up a story ...

You shouldn’t have to deal with it OP. Your —doormat— OH should be able to say he’s not able to help her. As for being "kind", how kind is it to help a random at the expense of leaving three young children unattended.?

I have read a few of these responses to him and pointed out all the different ways his kindness could be perceived after the fact he’s left our children in a more than vulnerable situation. Whoever said what if my son went out the door looking for him, that’s completely right and something I said to him the first time he told me she had knocked, the thought makes me sick tbh. It makes me just as sick he’s took them all there and they’ve had to hear her say he’s handsome like that. How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot? He’d probably be pissed but not do anything about it cause again he is spineless, I can’t deny it. It will be dealt with and I can only hope it’s done In a diplomatic and effective way. Obviously I know which care company it is so I could mention it should it not be accepted by this lady, I will say it to her Mum aswell il keep an eye out in the morning as I have a clear view from my living window when her Mum pulls in so will head out then. It’s a worrying situation, the only thing I will say is I do believe my oh was just trying to be nice and in his head didn’t think being over the road would bother the kids which he now knows is crap coz of my little boys reaction. It does make me think that this lady probably now thinks he’s happy to leave his kids for her so perhaps In her world is a big thing. Obviously in mine it’s just wrong a ludicrous. I am gonna have to confront it, but yes if there comes a time she knocks again and he doesn’t say no then I’m not going to be in that position so he will have to leave. He’s aware that’s the threat on the table. Tbh I’m almost appreciative of the harsh responses because it’s given me something to put the seriousness in perspective to him and also to myself to keep my foot down in this. Thank you

I feel sorry for you OP, you sound lovely. The fact that your husband can't see it's not okay to leave 3 kids under 6 or drag them round to a lady's house at that time of night who's being suggestive is worrying.

What does your DH think will happen if he says 'no' to people?

You've been a good sport on here. I hope you can resolve this and he wises up.

There is literally zero percent chance my oh is shagging her, I for no millisecond think this is the case at all so I have to say this now because a couple of people have mentioned it now and it’s just a no!! He’s an honest guy and again without sounding discriminative he wouldn’t be interested In somebody the way she is. I do not distrust him in that way whatsoever. If anything I’m worried she would put it on him and he’d throw her to the ground to run out the door before jump on top of her and I say that 10000000%

You need to be answering the door every time and telling her you will help her with her issues, like screwing in light bulbs or whatever because the man in your house is sleeping. Or just say Fuck the Fuck off! That would work!

Your husband needs to start prioritising your children.

I would get the number for this woman’s mother and suggest that your husband call her next time she knocks, so that he is not leaving your children home alone.

Alternatively, he could tell her that he will text you and you will call round and help when you get back from work at midnight, as he won’t leave the children.

If I was here to answer the door that’s exactly what I would do. But I was at work, I work 5 evening a week, I don’t get home until 11.30 pm. This lady is aware of this as she comes to my place of work (a supermarket express store) on weds her and another neighbor that I’m more familiar with saw me pull out and they both waved me off. This other woman knows I work the evenings I do so wondering if she may have mentioned it...