To ask Neighbor to stop knocking on our door??

[Flymetothemoon18]

Ok so this is feels like quite an awkward situation... We have a neighbor who lives the opposite end of our cul de sac who on 3 occasions this week while I have been at work in the evenings has knocked (loudly) on our door wanting my other half to go to her flat and help her out with some things. I will explain these but first I should mention that this woman has cerebral palsy so it makes me feel mean to be making an issue out of it.

Wednesday night at 9.45pm she banged on the door waking my oh and 2 of my 3 children up (my oh has to be up for work at 2am so it is an inconvenience waking him up at that time and also the kids as they have school) He’s gotten up stuck a pair of shorts on and ran down the stairs wondering what’s going on coz the knocking was loud. It was the lady asking him to go and change her lightbulb for her as it had blown and she couldn’t do it. As she asked she told him he didn’t need to put his top on for it and laughed. My oh agreed (put his coat on) and said he would have to be quick as the kids had woken up and he didn’t want to leave them here alone for long. Tbh this reason alone wound me up thinking my kids have woken up and he’s just left them, the house is barely in sight from her flat. He’s got there the light bulb is in her bedroom, as they’ve walked in she’s pushed the bedroom door too behind them, he’s changed the bulb and she’s made another comment about him taking his coat off again laughing. He’s responded he needs to get back to the boys and awkwardly moved past her out of the bedroom and then out of the front door.

Thursday evening at 10.05 pm she again has banged on the door waking him up, he’s suspected it would be her so this time got fully dressed and answered the door, and again she’s said she has a problem with another bulb. None of the children woke this time so he said he would go but will have to be quick (he’s not the type to say no to helping people) as they’ve walked to her flat she has said it’s a shame he was dressed tonight! He’s laughed it off and gone inside and looked at her hallway bulb, it hadn’t blown was just loose and needing tightening to work, as he’s left she has said thanks sexy.... he’s ignored her and got home ASAP. Again this has annoyed me before any other reason him leaving the kids but also this time that she seems to be being a bit suggestive and my oh has stated it’s made him feel uncomfortable. I told him to ignore the door if she knocks again.

Last night the door bangs again at 9.30 waking him up, he stopped in bed attempting to ignore it but it woke all 3 of my children up (to point out they are 3,5 and 6!!) so they’ve all started running up and down the stairs which are on full view of the front door and where this lady is standing. So oh has gotten up and answered the door, this time her kitchen cupboard handle had come off, he said he would look at it in the morning when he’s home but she said she was desperate for a drink and her juice was In this cupboard. He’s grabbed his screwdrivers which he keeps on our hallway shelves and this time took the kids with him, thinking it avoids leaving them and also made him feel more comfortable that he wasn’t going alone. When he got there the whole handle hadn’t come off just the bottom screw, she could still open her cupboard if she had needed to. She said to my children that their daddy is very handsome.... they all giggled and my oh kept his head down and left ASAP with the kids.

Now again it’s not convenient waking my oh up and the children, it’s certainly not appropriate them being left alone in the house at that time of night and also her comments are pretty inappropriate too especially when it’s making my oh feel uncomfortable. We only moved here 7 months ago, she doesn’t know us very well, and from what I have been told by a neighbor she is friendly with a few of the people who live in her block of flats so it appears she does have other people to ask. I mentioned this to a work friend who is also a part time carer locally and she said she is aware of this woman as there have been 2 complaints made by male carers as she has basically sexually harassed them when they would visit her, there is now something in place that only female carers are allowed to attend to her. I have also seen her stood in the middle of the street in a nurses outfit welcoming a man who she’s then taken in to her flat. (Which is fine we all do it but probably not so publicly and inappropriately, I was washing my car with my youngest son at the time) I’ve also had another neighbor when we moved in make a comment about her being a bit of a man eater and for my oh to not go in her flat. So she’s definitely that way inclined which again is fine each to their own but it’s not acceptable making people like my oh feel uncomfortable when he just wants to be helpful. Obviously I’m at work and my car isn’t on the drive so I’m assuming she can see I’m not there. So far tonight she hasn’t knocked on the door and I’m wondering wether she will if she can see I’m here?!

So aibu to speak to either her or her mum who visits most days and explain about my oh having to be up for work, and her knocking disturbing the kids and ask that she doesn’t keep knocking? I don’t want to seem unhelpful or unsympathetic to her situation but it is before anything an inconvenience. I know I sound like I’ve mentioned the inappropriate side of things a lot but I wouldn’t want to get into a situation where perhaps she reads more into my oh being just helpful. If I’m here il go and help her, I’m a dab hand at diy so that would just solve that issue. I don’t want to seem horrible or like I’m discriminating her in anyway and of course would be as nice as I can about it. It’s just been a strange few evenings for my oh and he’s shattered bless him, my kids are also a bit thrown by this lady knocking on the door the last few nights. AIBU??

Can he put a chain on before he answers or a video doorbell. It might sound excessive but he might find it easier to say no with a barrier of the door between them. I am not sure that you telling her will make much difference. Might just increase the challenge.

It's really important that either her mum or one of her carers is informed that she's going around knocking on doors late at night, that alone is a safeguarding issue.

She's vulnerable. Not a maneater.

Your OH was wayyyy out of line for leaving the children, but it sounds like he was trying to help what he perceived to be a vulnerable neighbor? Of course he shouldn’t have left the children! But what world are we in where people think he is shagging this woman and that that’s more plausible than him misguidedly trying to do a neighbor a good deed?! Good luck OP, you sound like you have a sensible plan about chatting to the mum. And that your OH is lucky to have you!

He needs to grow a backbone and say no, he has his children and she can't keep bothering him and waking them all up. I'd be absolutely furious that he was so spineless he is putting her blatant flirting above the safety of his children.

I definitely think I need to say something, he won’t cause he’s a soft touch and doesn’t want to seem horrible.

Does he know the back story of her sexually harassing her male carers and the ban?
If he does and still allows himself to be alone with her then he's an incredibly stupid man.
All it takes is ONE accusation of sexual assault/rape from her and his life will be ruined, social services will get involved and he could be banned from his home/unsupervised contact with his kids....and trying to use his kids as potential buffers/witnesses is disgusting.

Faced with this possibility it should be pretty easy for him to say 'no' and stay away from her.....if he can't then you need to seriously reconsider your future with him.

I spoke to my work friend last night so he didn’t know what she had told me about that until today when I saw him half 11 this morning when he was home from work! The comments made from our neighbor I suppose we kind of took in jest as it’s not uncommon for people to gossip and throw things out of proportion. Obviously me seeing her in the street dressed in her nurses outfit rings alarm bells to me but he didn’t see it and when I told him he just laughed it off, perhaps if he had seen just how blaitent her behaviour was then he may of seen that perhaps she’s doesn’t handle these things very appropriately?! (It was pretty shocking, I’d of not minded if I’d caught glimpse of her stood in her doorway but she was literally in the street, clear as day) I do believe he thinks he was being a ‘good neighbor’ but he definitely did not think of the bigger picture and the issues it can cause. It doesn’t necessarily look good to outsiders, and nor to anyone she may have ant to repeat it to. I do know all of this.

He deffo needs to grow a backbone and say no. He can’t be leaving his kids home alone

This woman is out of order.
So she has a disability - Does that excuse her from being an inconsiderate, rude, persistent pest/predator?
No it bloody well doesn't.
Her behaviour is disgusting.
Tell her not to come over again.

What's this nurse outfit thing about? You keep going on about it - is it at all relevant to the situation with your DH? You saw her in what you thought looked like a nurse outfit with a man? If you think she may be a sex worker, you can say so. If so as a woman with a disability she is extremely vulnerable. That's not to excuse how she's acting with your OH, but I don't see why her personal life is worth you talking about it on and on.

Put a door bell on your front door, but don't connect it/put batteries in. Then she can ring and ring (she believes ) but it won't disturb you.

Your husband needs to be careful op. I worked with people with disabilities and just because they have disabilities doesn’t mean they can’t be horrible people.

One girl had made so many complained re sexual assault against male staff carers and male “friends” that she can only have female carers and can not longer attend sessions were there are other males she might be left alone with. Two men were hauled through investigations and it nearly ruined their life, career was affected, social services got involved. She admits she does it because she is board and she goes for married men or those in relationships as she thinks she has the right to split couples up as she does not have a boyfriend.
The fear I had was not only for men she might accuse but also that if something actually did happen to her it no one would believe her on her past record.

She was a very very nasty piece of work. The disability was physical so no learning disabilities and she had not mental health issues (she was assessed many times)
The lady is unfortunetly dead now.

I wouldn’t approach her if I were you. She sounds dangerous.
Your oh also needs to learn how to say no. One day she might scream rape.
Even if she knows that you were all in when she knocked, but you decided to ignore her, so be it. Hopefully she’d stop if she knows that your oh is not interested in helping her
Good luck

Your DH is putting himself in a very dangerous situation. In her bedroom, just in shorts and a coat. She could have claimed all sorts and he would be in a very difficult position. He needs to stay at home to protect the children and himself.

You could talk him through how to say she will have to wait until morning if she knocks again. And tell him to not even think about asking her into the house, if she comes up with some sort of sob story. In fact - advise him not to even open the door, just to talk through it and say he will be forced to call the police if she continues to knock so late at night.
Whilst I agree up to a point with previous posters that to talk to her mother would be infantalising her, If this continues after she has been asked not to call late in the evening, it might be a good idea to let either her mother or the care agency know - for her own safety.

I haven't rtft but your partner needs to back away incase she puts him in a very awkward and uncomfortable situation or makes a pass at him that could be turned into him being accused of making advances.

Sorry I couldn’t read all that, too much.
Point is, if some bint comes knocking on your door at some ridiculous hour asking your DH to change a light bulb for her, the answer is simple
Fuck off

"I felt very uncomfortable leaving my children before and it's not something I want to do again. I need to get them back to bed. Hopefully someone else can help but I'm afraid it can't be me." Polite but to the point.

And if you do decide to talk to her or her mother then your OH needs to be with you or else it will look like something only you are unhappy about.

you're way to polite I would go bang on her door and give her a good cussing
I think nobody has stuck up to her before so she thinks she can go around sexually harrassing men

I would talk to her and possibly contact her case worker if she has one. She is acting inappropriately and could naively put herself in a dangerous situation, not to mention the position your husband could find himself in. We had an elderly neighbour who was very confused. Used to wander the street, knocking on numerous neighbours doors asking about things, was forever asking for help with her telly/locking her door/fixing things. She could be very rude/inappropriate at times although couldn't help it. Most of the neighbours were involved at different stages. One night when I was in her house fixing her telly her daughter called and I spoke with her. She was quite apologetic about how often we were involved but I reassured her I didn't mind although was concerned about her increasing confusion. I also spoke to her case worker about this and she asked that we wrote down any time she had us over in the log left for the carers. Then, randomly one night she called the police on us. Called them because apparently we had been intimidating her. Staring at her through her window, following her, trying to get into her house etc etc. Obviously all nonsense but I was very glad that we had already had contact with her daughter and case worker as it meant there was no doubt about why we had been there. She did the same thing to another neighbour the next night.

Op she sounds like a trouble maker. Be very careful. It also sounds to me like she has form.
And your DH sounds weak

@User467 That actually sounds really sad, like onset dementia.

OP's situation sounds frankly dangerous, potentially. I'd cover your bases and have something officially logged with the care company.

Your dh needs to learn to say NO.

What she's doing is grotesque and sexual harassment. Your husband has been very naive and left himself vulnerable to allegations

A thought for your husband.

Would he prefer to be seen as a good man who cares, looks after and keeps safe his own family to the best of his ability or a man who will be at the beck and call of others, even for trivial unnecessary matters, to the detriment of his own family?

And in a worst case scenario, how would he feel if he was accused of misconduct with this lady or if your children were hurt while left alone. How would he cope with those feelings of remorse?

I'm sure this has probably already been said, but I'll say it anyway...

1. She calls, he comes running
2. His wife/other half tells her to stop bugging him

If you do #2, she will think you see her as a threat because he's into her and loves helping her. HE needs to tell her he can't. HE needs to tell her its highly inappropriate to leave the kids unattended, wake them that late at night.

It would be better if you both went around during the day, while the carers are there. Tell them that given the frequency and lateness of her visits leads you to both believe that she may need additional support. Tell them that while you appreciate she needs additional assistance, it has been quite disruptive to your children's schedules and that going forward you must ask that she not bother you/your OH/your family, especially that late at night.

I wouldn't mention harassment unless she continues after this polite exchange.