To ask Neighbor to stop knocking on our door??

[Flymetothemoon18]

Ok so this is feels like quite an awkward situation... We have a neighbor who lives the opposite end of our cul de sac who on 3 occasions this week while I have been at work in the evenings has knocked (loudly) on our door wanting my other half to go to her flat and help her out with some things. I will explain these but first I should mention that this woman has cerebral palsy so it makes me feel mean to be making an issue out of it.

Wednesday night at 9.45pm she banged on the door waking my oh and 2 of my 3 children up (my oh has to be up for work at 2am so it is an inconvenience waking him up at that time and also the kids as they have school) He’s gotten up stuck a pair of shorts on and ran down the stairs wondering what’s going on coz the knocking was loud. It was the lady asking him to go and change her lightbulb for her as it had blown and she couldn’t do it. As she asked she told him he didn’t need to put his top on for it and laughed. My oh agreed (put his coat on) and said he would have to be quick as the kids had woken up and he didn’t want to leave them here alone for long. Tbh this reason alone wound me up thinking my kids have woken up and he’s just left them, the house is barely in sight from her flat. He’s got there the light bulb is in her bedroom, as they’ve walked in she’s pushed the bedroom door too behind them, he’s changed the bulb and she’s made another comment about him taking his coat off again laughing. He’s responded he needs to get back to the boys and awkwardly moved past her out of the bedroom and then out of the front door.

Thursday evening at 10.05 pm she again has banged on the door waking him up, he’s suspected it would be her so this time got fully dressed and answered the door, and again she’s said she has a problem with another bulb. None of the children woke this time so he said he would go but will have to be quick (he’s not the type to say no to helping people) as they’ve walked to her flat she has said it’s a shame he was dressed tonight! He’s laughed it off and gone inside and looked at her hallway bulb, it hadn’t blown was just loose and needing tightening to work, as he’s left she has said thanks sexy.... he’s ignored her and got home ASAP. Again this has annoyed me before any other reason him leaving the kids but also this time that she seems to be being a bit suggestive and my oh has stated it’s made him feel uncomfortable. I told him to ignore the door if she knocks again.

Last night the door bangs again at 9.30 waking him up, he stopped in bed attempting to ignore it but it woke all 3 of my children up (to point out they are 3,5 and 6!!) so they’ve all started running up and down the stairs which are on full view of the front door and where this lady is standing. So oh has gotten up and answered the door, this time her kitchen cupboard handle had come off, he said he would look at it in the morning when he’s home but she said she was desperate for a drink and her juice was In this cupboard. He’s grabbed his screwdrivers which he keeps on our hallway shelves and this time took the kids with him, thinking it avoids leaving them and also made him feel more comfortable that he wasn’t going alone. When he got there the whole handle hadn’t come off just the bottom screw, she could still open her cupboard if she had needed to. She said to my children that their daddy is very handsome.... they all giggled and my oh kept his head down and left ASAP with the kids.

Now again it’s not convenient waking my oh up and the children, it’s certainly not appropriate them being left alone in the house at that time of night and also her comments are pretty inappropriate too especially when it’s making my oh feel uncomfortable. We only moved here 7 months ago, she doesn’t know us very well, and from what I have been told by a neighbor she is friendly with a few of the people who live in her block of flats so it appears she does have other people to ask. I mentioned this to a work friend who is also a part time carer locally and she said she is aware of this woman as there have been 2 complaints made by male carers as she has basically sexually harassed them when they would visit her, there is now something in place that only female carers are allowed to attend to her. I have also seen her stood in the middle of the street in a nurses outfit welcoming a man who she’s then taken in to her flat. (Which is fine we all do it but probably not so publicly and inappropriately, I was washing my car with my youngest son at the time) I’ve also had another neighbor when we moved in make a comment about her being a bit of a man eater and for my oh to not go in her flat. So she’s definitely that way inclined which again is fine each to their own but it’s not acceptable making people like my oh feel uncomfortable when he just wants to be helpful. Obviously I’m at work and my car isn’t on the drive so I’m assuming she can see I’m not there. So far tonight she hasn’t knocked on the door and I’m wondering wether she will if she can see I’m here?!

So aibu to speak to either her or her mum who visits most days and explain about my oh having to be up for work, and her knocking disturbing the kids and ask that she doesn’t keep knocking? I don’t want to seem unhelpful or unsympathetic to her situation but it is before anything an inconvenience. I know I sound like I’ve mentioned the inappropriate side of things a lot but I wouldn’t want to get into a situation where perhaps she reads more into my oh being just helpful. If I’m here il go and help her, I’m a dab hand at diy so that would just solve that issue. I don’t want to seem horrible or like I’m discriminating her in anyway and of course would be as nice as I can about it. It’s just been a strange few evenings for my oh and he’s shattered bless him, my kids are also a bit thrown by this lady knocking on the door the last few nights. AIBU??

She's smart enough to only do this when OP isn't there and she lives in her own place so I wouldn't make any assumptions about her competence, which is why I went for the clear and concise wording in my last post.

Look up a list of local handymen / people and print it off.
When you're at next home, during the day, go round yourself and knock at her door.
Give her the list and tell her you understand she's been having some problems which need people like that to fix them. Also tell her your oh is leaving your children alone whilst he helps her and you're not happy with that.
It will give her a warning hat you know exactly what's going on, and give her no excuse to do it again - but you also need to have words with oh too.

Hi OP
No you are not being unreasonable.
Make it clear to her that your husband is unavailable for odd jobs at any time and she can stop (thinking up ways to get him in her flat)asking for help and to ask the maintenance department for assistance if the flats have one.
Your dh must back you up on this and be very firm.
Your dc and dh need their sleep.you need to be able to leave the house without worrying where your family is.

OP, I sympathise. I have a needy neighbour who was calling me for company all the time. I posted about it here. The advice I received was what you are getting now. You have to be firm and put your foot down. I did (eventually) and have only had one call for company since. It works. It is difficult, like you, I didn't want bad feeling and thankfully I haven't got that. I have got my space back though.

I'm not going to mention leaving the children, I think you fully accept that is not on. Hit hubby over the head with a frying pan and tell him to man up. (joke about the frying pan ). Good luck.

I totally agree with all of you and I am fuming about my children being left and dragged round there. Tbh I have never known anyone with a physical disability and yes I am concede about looking discriminative over it because that is not what it’s about at all, first and foremost my children, then my partners sleep then how inappropriate it is. I know it doesn’t look good at all, and yes it totally worries me. I said to my oh that it makes me not want to go to work tomorrow night now as I can’t be here to deal with the situation and make sure the kids aren’t being caught up in it! I will definitely confront it tomorrow and nip it in the bud.

And to whoever said that my work friend should be sacked, from my perspective I’m glad she did tell me as I’ve had something to come home and point out to my oh and make him think about what her intentions possibly are....

Can you not buy her a little torch?

She is not your husbands responsibility. However, he does have responsibility for the children and should not be leaving them alone.

If he feels horrible turning down her request for help, ask him how horrible he thinks it would be if something happened to the children whilst he was changing a fucking lightbulb.

He needs to learn the word "No" and how to put his children first.

''You have to remember that she's got a brain condition, and she may not have the boundaries that others would. I used to work with a young girl who had CP and she could be very inappropriate at times, but she also couldn't help it.''

Exactly, i can think of 2 women with mental issues who do extremely inappropriate social things that would make you cringe but you have to consider that they are not well and lack the common social boundaries most of us have. Thus this woman is in alot of ways a victim as she lacks the boundaries of social conduct that most people have naturally. Even a maneater has boundaries and would not behave like this as she would know she is making herself look ridiculous. Yet at the same time this has gone on long enough and you need to seek help now in addressing it-how about getting in touch with her carers?

When your OH went there the first time to do her bidding leaving the kids alone at night it sent her a message because it’s a bloody weird thing to do Good Samaritan or not... she probably thinks he’s interested in her.

OH needs to grow a backbone and get her told. She’s a sly one.

So your H would rather upset your children than say no to a relative stranger? Very unattractive - I hope you have called him out on it.

I like the idea of moving your car though.

I would do reminding him that he is at risk from claims of sexual harassment from her
he puts himself in a very vulnerable position by going round there half-dressed in the middle of the night
I'm sure that once he Ponders upon the implications of that he will realise that he needs to put his foot down or make an excuse and just not go there again

Can you not put it like you did there yo your husband? How pathetic is he that you don't want to go to work so you can stay home and say a simple no to a neighbour because he is too spineless to???

Like I am all for being nice and helping out but when you are putting your kids in danger and leaving yourself in a very vunerable and dangerous situation (wide open to accusations I mean) and all because you don't like saying no, well it's not nice is it? It's pathetic and spineless. If she makes any accusations against him you know it could turn your world upside down?

Maybe show him this thread and hand him a grip

There are just as many CF's with disabilities as there CF's in the able world. Some are quite capable of playing the disabled card to get what they want.

There's a perception that disabled people are all nice, or brave, or grateful or whatever.

Nope, we can sometimes be utter twats just like anyone else.

If someone knocked at my door 'in the middle of the night' indont think I would be responsible for my actions!!

It would be a very firm NO! What was your husband thinking?

'No sorry I can't leave the kids alone'
'No sorry, I'll ask wife to pop round tomorrow if your stuck'
'No sorry I'm asleep and you've woken the kids'

All acceptable

When your OH went there the first time to do her bidding leaving the kids alone at night it sent her a message because it’s a bloody weird thing to do Good Samaritan or not... she probably thinks he’s interested in her.

Exactly!

That aside, I refuse to believe anyone could possible be this wet.

He needs to tell her. I doubt she'll get the message otherwise.

He just needs to say no or ignore the door even if she can see the kids running around get a door curtain too if you want. Hell put a note on your door “handy man ring 9273738929”.

His putting his children at risk and himself if she decides she wants to accuse him of something which will then also flag to SS about young children being left alone. I’d be telling him if I ever found out he left the children alone again he wouldn’t need to worry about the neighbour knocking as he wouldn’t be bloody living with me or the children anymore.

Your dh is being a doormat. He should tell her the children are in bed and he can't leave them at home alone, if she can't find anyone else to help she can knock only when you are at home as someone needs to stay with the children. Then you go over and change her lightbulb!!

I would try to speak with her when her mother is there and tell her your husband cannot help at night as he has the children who cannot be left and the knocking is disturbing his and the children’s sleep. And find a way to gently but firmly say some of her comments have made him uncomfortable and weren’t appropriate.

I’d also suggest you help your husband find a suitable phrase or two he’s comfortable to say no with, no need to lie, like ‘i’m Sorry i’m Alone here with the children and can’t leave them so I can’t help now’ (i’d Suggest not offering help at other times given the other behaviour as it may be mixed messages for her.

I really hate to say this OP but even if you tell her NO very firmly she still won’t listen.
Your OH has to be the one to do it otherwise I guarantee the next time you’re at work she comes a knocking!

It sounds to be like this lady has her sights set on your husband.

If you and your dh don't want to tell her directly, could you put a note on your front door saying something like, "Please don't knock. We're asleep."

I completely agree it’s not acceptable and that he should of said no, and tbh the more responses I’m getting on this from different angles the more pissed off I really am getting with my oh over the whole thing, the first night could’ve been a one off but the second and 3rd are just obvious. He is spineless I say this all the time! Sometimes you can’t be nice, he says I’m heartless over these kind of things and we need to have a quiet life, but my reaction is HELL NO, if it was me here I would most certainly of told her it’s not an appropriate time as my kids are in bed or whatever and I’m not about to leave them for anything. It does make me angry so don’t for a minute think that’s not my priority in this situation.

As a couple of you have now said though that it could be down to her mental health aswell, which basically is WHY I posted in the first place to get advice on exactly how to handle this with her so it doesn’t escalate or get taken the wrong way or I’m accused of being a c**t or my oh a pervert.

It sounds as though she has mental disability as well as physical disabilities. That would explain having to have carers in. I think it will escalate if you don't put your foot down. Ask her not to come to your home. If she comes to your home after you've asked her not to call the police, you only have to tell her once, then you can call the police if she comes after you've told her not to come.

This probably isn't the first time this has happened

Oh, and the carer who told you about her previous issues was bang out of order and needs sacking.

Tell her that she’s disrupting your household and can no longer pander to her requests !

Some-not all- people with C P have learning difficulties. Someone I know well does- often acts much younger than age. This woman may well have a soft spot on your OH but if she has learning difficulties associated with C P all the people saying she’s being ‘sly’- sounds like she has learning difficulties so have some empathy. Maybe you could visit her when her mum or social workers around and explain that your OH really can’t be expected to do odd jobs for her as you are a very busy family and that knocking in the evening wakes up the children.