To ask Neighbor to stop knocking on our door??

[Flymetothemoon18]

Ok so this is feels like quite an awkward situation... We have a neighbor who lives the opposite end of our cul de sac who on 3 occasions this week while I have been at work in the evenings has knocked (loudly) on our door wanting my other half to go to her flat and help her out with some things. I will explain these but first I should mention that this woman has cerebral palsy so it makes me feel mean to be making an issue out of it.

Wednesday night at 9.45pm she banged on the door waking my oh and 2 of my 3 children up (my oh has to be up for work at 2am so it is an inconvenience waking him up at that time and also the kids as they have school) He’s gotten up stuck a pair of shorts on and ran down the stairs wondering what’s going on coz the knocking was loud. It was the lady asking him to go and change her lightbulb for her as it had blown and she couldn’t do it. As she asked she told him he didn’t need to put his top on for it and laughed. My oh agreed (put his coat on) and said he would have to be quick as the kids had woken up and he didn’t want to leave them here alone for long. Tbh this reason alone wound me up thinking my kids have woken up and he’s just left them, the house is barely in sight from her flat. He’s got there the light bulb is in her bedroom, as they’ve walked in she’s pushed the bedroom door too behind them, he’s changed the bulb and she’s made another comment about him taking his coat off again laughing. He’s responded he needs to get back to the boys and awkwardly moved past her out of the bedroom and then out of the front door.

Thursday evening at 10.05 pm she again has banged on the door waking him up, he’s suspected it would be her so this time got fully dressed and answered the door, and again she’s said she has a problem with another bulb. None of the children woke this time so he said he would go but will have to be quick (he’s not the type to say no to helping people) as they’ve walked to her flat she has said it’s a shame he was dressed tonight! He’s laughed it off and gone inside and looked at her hallway bulb, it hadn’t blown was just loose and needing tightening to work, as he’s left she has said thanks sexy.... he’s ignored her and got home ASAP. Again this has annoyed me before any other reason him leaving the kids but also this time that she seems to be being a bit suggestive and my oh has stated it’s made him feel uncomfortable. I told him to ignore the door if she knocks again.

Last night the door bangs again at 9.30 waking him up, he stopped in bed attempting to ignore it but it woke all 3 of my children up (to point out they are 3,5 and 6!!) so they’ve all started running up and down the stairs which are on full view of the front door and where this lady is standing. So oh has gotten up and answered the door, this time her kitchen cupboard handle had come off, he said he would look at it in the morning when he’s home but she said she was desperate for a drink and her juice was In this cupboard. He’s grabbed his screwdrivers which he keeps on our hallway shelves and this time took the kids with him, thinking it avoids leaving them and also made him feel more comfortable that he wasn’t going alone. When he got there the whole handle hadn’t come off just the bottom screw, she could still open her cupboard if she had needed to. She said to my children that their daddy is very handsome.... they all giggled and my oh kept his head down and left ASAP with the kids.

Now again it’s not convenient waking my oh up and the children, it’s certainly not appropriate them being left alone in the house at that time of night and also her comments are pretty inappropriate too especially when it’s making my oh feel uncomfortable. We only moved here 7 months ago, she doesn’t know us very well, and from what I have been told by a neighbor she is friendly with a few of the people who live in her block of flats so it appears she does have other people to ask. I mentioned this to a work friend who is also a part time carer locally and she said she is aware of this woman as there have been 2 complaints made by male carers as she has basically sexually harassed them when they would visit her, there is now something in place that only female carers are allowed to attend to her. I have also seen her stood in the middle of the street in a nurses outfit welcoming a man who she’s then taken in to her flat. (Which is fine we all do it but probably not so publicly and inappropriately, I was washing my car with my youngest son at the time) I’ve also had another neighbor when we moved in make a comment about her being a bit of a man eater and for my oh to not go in her flat. So she’s definitely that way inclined which again is fine each to their own but it’s not acceptable making people like my oh feel uncomfortable when he just wants to be helpful. Obviously I’m at work and my car isn’t on the drive so I’m assuming she can see I’m not there. So far tonight she hasn’t knocked on the door and I’m wondering wether she will if she can see I’m here?!

So aibu to speak to either her or her mum who visits most days and explain about my oh having to be up for work, and her knocking disturbing the kids and ask that she doesn’t keep knocking? I don’t want to seem unhelpful or unsympathetic to her situation but it is before anything an inconvenience. I know I sound like I’ve mentioned the inappropriate side of things a lot but I wouldn’t want to get into a situation where perhaps she reads more into my oh being just helpful. If I’m here il go and help her, I’m a dab hand at diy so that would just solve that issue. I don’t want to seem horrible or like I’m discriminating her in anyway and of course would be as nice as I can about it. It’s just been a strange few evenings for my oh and he’s shattered bless him, my kids are also a bit thrown by this lady knocking on the door the last few nights. AIBU??

Op

Tell your dh that the next time she closes the bedroom door and he leaves she might cry rape or similar cause she's pissed,off at him leaving

He's been putting himself in a very vulnerable situation, leaving your kids alone is a under the patio offence I'm afraid.

If he can't say 'no', and it sounds like he can't even though he should, then he needs to say "I can't leave the children alone, I will ask my wife to come over and do it for you tomorrow."

She needs telling very firmly to stop knocking on your door at night for DIY jobs which would wait. She is not your responsibility and it’s awful that your husband felt he has to help her.
Just tell her she is not to knock on your door again after 7? 8? as she is waking your children AND your husband up and she will not be given help with her minor diy so there’s no point knocking. Tell her 8n simple terms but firmly that it’s rude and he will not be helping her.
Personally I would be telling her mother or carer just from a self protection point of view. I would want it logged somewhere that you have made this complaint. I would be worried that she could take the hump and accuse your husband of something untoward. She is a vulnerable person and clearly doesn’t understand boundaries. I fact, as i write this,I’m thinking I would write something via email to somebody ( adult social worker, her mother) so you have something in writing logged about her innapropriate behaviour and how you 8ntend to put a stop to it ( by YOU, not your hubby) telling her that she must not knock on your door any more unless your car is there so you can help her.

Don't be afraid to tell her where to go just because she has cerebral palsy. A CF who's disabled is still a CF and it sounds like she's after your OH too.

Your husband is irresponsible and she is rude. As I asked earlier, how on earth do you two manage from day to day no wonder your DCs feel anxious.

Your neighbour is clearly capable of running her own life from one day to the next, all this stuff about offending her etc is patronising, cerebral palsy doesn't remove all inhibitions FFS the condition is a physical one not a mental health problem. Someone with CB is just as capable of being rude as anyone else.

If your DH wont tell her then I suppose you'll have to. Blimey you must be scared what you'll come back to every time you go out.

Have just read more responses. I don’t need a parenting course at all I totally know it’s not acceptable to leave the kids my oh on the other hand perhaps he bloody does and I will deffo mention that feedback to him..... he’s spineless to confrontation so I deffo think it’s something I am going to have to approach myself, and as a lot of you have said it probably should be to her. I will pop over tomorrow and explain our situation and that I’m not having it, wether I’m here or not it’s got to stop. Trust me I’m aware that all it takes is a nosy neighbor to clock my oh popping over there a few evenings and call authorities saying the children are alone and him getting dragged into a situation I obviously do not want to be getting into

I'd put your car around the corner and answer the door to her yourself. Then give it to her straight.

Just say No. the cerebral palsy is clouding the issue.

I can see you’re worried that if you or your DH say no to her she’ll accuse you of being disableist, but the thing is you know the reason you don’t want her to knock on your door is nothing to do with her disability and any reasonable person would know that too, so perhaps give her your mobile number and say you don’t want her walking the streets in the dark and if you don’t answer then she should leave you a message, then disconnect your doorbell after 7pm

Your husband went into her home alone late at night while you were at work. She is classed as vulnerable. Can you see where I'm going with this?
He should stop any further contact and you need to have strong words with her.

I don’t think this situation will end until your DH says no he won’t go. There is no other way. She clearly has not respect for you so I doubt she will have any respect for anything you say to her specifically. If you know her mum and can talk to her I probably would. But mainly your DH needs to be more worried about his DC’s safety and your opinion and not about the random neighbour who is no concern of his. I would be spitting fire at my DH if I were in your shoes.

You don't ask her not to knock, he tells her firmly and unequivocally: 'Do not knock on this door again. I will not be helping you now, or at any time in the future. I will contact the police if you knock again'. Then he closes the door quickly.

Write it out on a card and leave it near the door for him if you have to.

If you speak to her it will probably escalate, as she will cast you as the jealous wife and try to provoke you further, and so the game begins.

It's the very least he can do considering his total failure to realise his kids take priority over the bloody woman up the street with 'issues'.

What she's doing is inappropriate and your other half needs to tell her to stop knocking on late at night and to be clear that he has no interest in her.

He needs to stop playing into her hands and going over, and particularly leaving 3 young kids alone at home at night.

Your friend needs to have a think about confidentiality and stop gossiping about clients who may be or have been cared for by her care agency. This woman's history with her carers is none of your business and the friend shouldn't be spreading shit like this. It could (and should) cost her her job.

Have you thought about knocking on and telling her to stop disturbing your partner and kids at night and asking for help at a more appropriate time. It's not like any of these issues couldn't have waited until day time. Ultimately your partner, by trying to help, has enabled and encouraged the behaviour. So it's going to take firmness and not pandering to her to make her stop.

This post sounds like a cross between a joke with a punchline at the end and a script for a Hollywood horror B movie.

It sounds as if her need for male attention overrides her sense of appropriate times to call on a neighbour. Now that you are both aware of that, I would suggest your husband be the one to have a firm, polite word next time she calls as he is the one she has taken a shine to. Specifically to safeguard himself from any accusations. You and your husband know it's not an emergency and she wants his attention, so to keep agreeing to go over at inappropriate times is making it appropriate in her eyes and leading her on. I hope that made sense. Good luck.

You have to remember that she's got a brain condition, and she may not have the boundaries that others would. I used to work with a young girl who had CP and she could be very inappropriate at times, but she also couldn't help it. She also was incapable of thinking of others, and kind of lived in a very self absorbed bubble.

I would knock on her door (preferably when her mum is there) and just explain that your DH can't help her at night, it's not acceptable to wake your children up and that she isn't to do it again in very simple and clear terms. And if she does do it again, your DH has to be very clear that he can't help. He's been a bit silly to, but it was meant out of kindness.

Your husband needs to grow up. My husband would have given her an earful the first time she knocked.

I like the idea of you parking around the corner and being there to see if she knocks when she thinks you're not around.

I would say you need to talk with her mother, as PP have said, I don't think you will get through to her.

Well thats the other thing boy - no one has really addressed this bit about the disabled neighbour in a nurses uniform. And that the OP says she already knows the neighbour has behaved inappropriately with carers etc. I'm confused.

Your DH needs to grow a pair and stop being a doormat. I also think it will be more effective coming from him. I would not mention anythig to her mum just yet.

Just say no.

If she has carers going in then she should be under the county council.

I would be inclined to contact the helpdesk for the council and ask for a call to be logged with her social worker and the concerns you have for her well being as she is leaning on your husband leaving him and your children in a vulnerable position as you don't want to leave her without help.

Any good council should arrange for the social worker to have a chat with her about appropriate behaviour and who she should contact for support

Also tell your hubby to grow a pair and tell her to come back at a sociable hour if she needs help

If he can't just say no he needs a lie. Like last time there was a problem with the kids and he cannot risk leaving them again. Not that he should have left them the previous times. Why does he think changing her lightbulb more important than your three kids?

Sorry but your DH is spineless and a bit of an idiot. He is putting his children in danger so as not to appear rude to strangers who live a few houses away. The description you have given of your 6 year old on the stairs worried is heartbreaking and he is your OLDEST child. Imagine how confusing and scary it was for the little one. Not to mention the danger she/he could have got into. What if one of them had wondered outside to try and find him?

I think you need to be much firmer with your DH and tell him that under no circumstances is he EVER to leave your children unattended and if it happens again you will be seriously concerned about his ability to coparent.

Actually I think I am going to have to take (some of) this back - I just googled and apparently CP can be accompanied by behavioural issues.

Neighbour still needs to be told, but I am going to do an about face and say that if the OP tells her and it doesn't work, tell her mum.

That still doesn't mean the DH can leave the kids. As you were ....