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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New girlfriend

103 replies

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 18:29

I know the answer some of you might give me but it’s not as simple.
My ex has new girlfriend. I know I gave no legal right to meet her. She’s met my daughter, kissed her on mouth first time they met. My dd didn’t like it and neither did I especially as my x has been seeing her for about three months. When I told him my dd didn’t want to be kissed on mouth he told me I was just being jealous ( nasty break up two years ago -he’s a total narcs and by the looks of it is trying to make me jealous but failing)
Because I dint tryst his judgement I asked if I can meet this woman and he said ok. That he’ll arrange that before she next sees my dd.
When i asked him if he’s seeing her today with dd he said no only to message me 5 minutes before she was coming home that they met!!!
I’m not sure why he has to lie and makes me wonder what this woman is if he can’t even say he’s meeting her with dd.
He was emotionally abusive and got away with the police. I’d be happier if he wasn’t in our life but dd wants to see him so I allow them their time.
I’d like to meet from mums, ladies, future step mums about your feelings about the mother and whether you’d want to meet then if she so wished.
He told me she wants to meet me but I’m not sure he told her. He lies a lot and did when we were together and exaggerates a lot too and I don’t know what to believe

OP posts:
Crispbutty · 28/04/2018 18:31

What age is your daughter?

Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 18:45

She’s 5

OP posts:
CreamTeaa · 28/04/2018 18:50

As a step mum Iv never met my step daughters mum. I don’t feel the need and if she wanted to I’d decline. As far as I’m concerned when my step daughter is in my OH it’s up to him to chose who she spends time with, aslong as he trusts me with his daughter then that’s what matters.

CreamTeaa · 28/04/2018 18:51

Is with my OH*

Leopoldstotch · 28/04/2018 18:51

I would not be ok with another woman kissing my child on the mouth. So that definitely has to stop. Do you think he is serious about her? If so then it might be good to meet her. I'd tell him to give her your number so the two of you can have a quick chat prior to meeting. Might also be good to meet her without your ex there stirring things

Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 18:55

Thank you Cream Teaa. I get it. Can I ask how long were you with your OH before you met his daughter?
My ex two in the last seven months and I’m not sure where this is going 🙈

OP posts:
RBBMummy · 28/04/2018 18:58

You do actually have some legal standing in that regard. A friend of mine had a custody agreement in place that stated any partners that wished to be in the child's life had to meet with the other parent and give over any relevant information. It was set in place to try to make things friendlier.

Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 18:59

Leopoldstotch. I tried that, he said she wants to meet me but that she’s scared. And he said two weeks ago
that she’ll get in touch by phone and that never happened. I can’t trust him. To be honest I’d be happy if this woman was friendly and willing to look after my daughter in a way he’s not but I don’t know. She stopped kissing her on mouth luckily but I found that weird to be done on first day they met, after three months they’ve been seeing each other. They met on plenty of fish so they didn’t know each other before that either which makes me a bit uneasy

OP posts:
CreamTeaa · 28/04/2018 18:59

I think it was approx 6 months before I met her.

Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:01

Thank you RBBMummy. I’m hoping I won’t have to go that far. I’m not sure wether I’d stand any chance either. Even though emotional abuse was reported to the police I didn’t have a strength to fight with him so left it. I just wanted to have my life back with my dd. She wants to see her dad and I’d never stop her.
This is so hard

OP posts:
Helpmeplan · 28/04/2018 19:02

If my dp had a child from a previous relationship and the ex wanted to meet me to put their mind at rest I'd do it. Nothing to hide! Might be awkward but who cares. Child comes first.

Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:03

Thank you CreamTeaa. Six months is a time I’d probably handle better than three.

OP posts:
ReanimatedMuse · 28/04/2018 19:04

Creamtea why in earth would you refuse to meet your step daughters mother?

That seems rather childish Confused

KnittinKitten · 28/04/2018 19:06

Well they’ve met now so I would just accept she will be there for the time being.

Tbh you don’t really need to meet her. Instead I would focus on fostering a confident assertiveness in your DD so she feels very comfortable saying what she does and doesn’t like being done to her. And keep a very relaxed approach at home wrt her talking about her time at dads and what happens there. Don’t over react or appear angry about things you don’t like the sound of. Just let her talk and then if you need to speak to him about it do it away from her. She needs to feel comfortable talking about her dad and new girlfriend. That’s how you’ll find out if new girlfriend is a concern.

Aprilmightbemynewname · 28/04/2018 19:06

Unless a judge has.specifically put it in an order your exh can do what he seems appropriate with his dc in his time. Would you appreciate instructions for your new personal life?

Bluelady · 28/04/2018 19:07

It was a long time before I met my husband's ex, the kids had been part of my life for ages. What do you hope to gain from meeting her?

Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:07

Thank you Helpmeplan.
Definitely awkward but I can’t trust him. Now that he lied about me meeting her or then going out together or that she’ll get in touch by phone before she meets my daughter next I’m not quite sure what to think. What is he hiding?

OP posts:
Ivorbig1 · 28/04/2018 19:08

is there a reason you don’t trust his judgement? You mention a nasty breakup.
Unless safeguarding issues are a concern you have no real business to be wanting an introduction tbh.

Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:12

Bluelady - peace of mind. After what I’ve been through with him I hate every single minute my dd is spending with him. Putting a happy face in front of her despite the hurt I feel.
She needs to find out for herself.
Part of me is hoping to have someone else ( new gf) to keep me posted about my dds time with her father or even soften his approach if she’s like that. I don’t know.
I know I have no control and most likely not even a right to meet her. But if I had a partner with his own kids and their mum would want to meet me I wouldn’t have a problem with that. She has a son so I was hoping she might know how I feel but who knows what he told her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:15

Ivorbig there is no safeguarding. It was emotional abuse gone as fa as it could’ve. When the police got involved he turned things as he does and after hitting rock bottom I had no fight left to try and prove what has been happening. I was glad I was alive and had enough in me to live for my daughter. I worry about my dd every time she’s with him because he’s a bully but that’s not something I can change.

OP posts:
QuackPorridgeBacon · 28/04/2018 19:19

I don’t think he is necessarily hiding anything. I think he is just not a nice person and has been horrible to you in the past and this is no different. As long as his daughter is safe with him I’d try not to worry but if you think he isn’t good with her then talk to someone about what can be done.

Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:20

Aprilmiggtbemynewname he told me he’ll arrange meet up and will get her to contact me before meeting dd. He told me he’s not meeting her today only to tell me five minutes before dropping dd that they met in case my dd says something. It wasn’t even him telling me about her it was dd which is fair enough but telling dd new gf is a friend and then then kissing in front of dd on first day they meet- if I didn’t have to pick up the pieces I don’t think it would bother me but dd doesn’t talk that much to her father and I have to do the explaining

OP posts:
CreamTeaa · 28/04/2018 19:21

@ReanimatedMuse - what need is there to actually meet her ? How is me meeting her mum going to help anyone ?

Unless it happened naturally then I see no need for a face to face meeting to discuss what exactly ? Fake ‘Hi’s’ over a cup of tea Confused

Original poster
Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:22

Thank you QuackPorrigeBacon. Dd loves him. And I can’t be 100% if she’s safe. She’s been ok in the last two years. But there is a lot of undoing I have to deal with after she’s been with him.

OP posts:
eloisesparkle · 28/04/2018 19:23

Kissing a child on the lips is weird.

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