New girlfriend

[Lavender928]

I know the answer some of you might give me but it’s not as simple.
My ex has new girlfriend. I know I gave no legal right to meet her. She’s met my daughter, kissed her on mouth first time they met. My dd didn’t like it and neither did I especially as my x has been seeing her for about three months. When I told him my dd didn’t want to be kissed on mouth he told me I was just being jealous ( nasty break up two years ago -he’s a total narcs and by the looks of it is trying to make me jealous but failing)
Because I dint tryst his judgement I asked if I can meet this woman and he said ok. That he’ll arrange that before she next sees my dd.
When i asked him if he’s seeing her today with dd he said no only to message me 5 minutes before she was coming home that they met!!!
I’m not sure why he has to lie and makes me wonder what this woman is if he can’t even say he’s meeting her with dd.
He was emotionally abusive and got away with the police. I’d be happier if he wasn’t in our life but dd wants to see him so I allow them their time.
I’d like to meet from mums, ladies, future step mums about your feelings about the mother and whether you’d want to meet then if she so wished.
He told me she wants to meet me but I’m not sure he told her. He lies a lot and did when we were together and exaggerates a lot too and I don’t know what to believe

Thank you Graphista
In ideal world that would be great. Ex seems to be living in his own world not even understanding dd is 5 not 30.
He told me he said to his new gf I’m a nice person. I know he’s a liar and as mentioned before he told me things which when I mentioned to his family I got strange looks. I later noticed that with friends and he was always full of bs. He had emotional affair and told me he’d rather keep her in her life than be with me and make us work yet I ruined his life. He lied to my family .... I can’t trust him. I guess I’m hoping gf is a decent person I could trust who’d tell me about dd and took good care of her when their together. He won’t even put suncream on even when I told him in the morning. No hat no protection. I often feel like a police officer and have to tell dd what to do and protect her self ( drinking water, suncream... ) he judges everyone by himself.

I'm not fussed about meeting my ex new partner although he has met mine but he was being dodgy about her turns out there are massive safeguarding concerns and she cannot be around my children wanker was hiding that from me and putting our kids at risk ffs

I need to figure out how not to let him get to me.
My dd wanting to stay here made me feel loads better. Gf is a new person and dd loves spending time with others. She’s very sociable so I can see why I just don’t trust ex and his intentions

He sounds awful OP. I’m sorry for both you and your daughter that he’s such a rubbish dad.

You have to protect yourself. She knows she can rely on you and you have to rely on yourself. Sadly, you can’t make him better. If you can’t, new gf doesn’t stand a chance.

I know it takes and no one will say it’s easy, but try to separate your daughters dad from your ex. She has a relationship with him but apart from doing what’s best for your daughter, you don’t need to and the less you have to do with him the better for you.

He probably loves having you want to meet her. He’s probably telling himself you’re jealous. You know you’re not, so leave them to it. When I found out my ex was remarried (after meeting her a couple of months earlier!) my only thought was to wish her luck and hope he was nicer to her than he was to me.

In your head, draw a line between him and yourself. He’s going to be the dad he’s going to be. Respect your daughter’s need for a relationship with her father but limit contact to the basics. Don’t feel you have to cover for him. Don’t put yourself out for him. Don’t get involved with the details of what he does with her if she’s safe and okay, even if you don’t agree with him.

You sound really bartered and stressed, it must be exhausting and I do feel you. But you know what? The new gf is the bug stuck with him now. You’re free! Put your energy into yourself, feeling good about yourself, being the best mum you can be and having a life that makes you happy. He’s a twat, but he’s not your twat anymore, that’s a good thing! Don’t meet her, what’s she to you? Hopefully she’s kind to your daughter, hopefully the kissing stops if your daughter isn’t happy with it. Could your daughter tell her dad she only wants kisses on the head or cheek? She has a right to feel comfortable and for her boundaries to be respected.

Oh my goodness. That must have been hard! Now you got me worried

Thank you AnneLovesGilbert. Your words mean a lot and you’re right. I need to separate dds dad from my ex. I feel sorry for new gf Anna’s you said hope he’s treating her better. Definitely is now but what’s to come is non of my business. I can only hope she’s strong enough to handle it.
In the last couple of months he’s been really friendly, inviting himself in after dropping dd off but I had to stop that and feel much better.
Harder for dd who wants him in. But if I’m not ok then I can’t be the best mum I can for my children ( i have 8 month old baby- he’s the dad - pressure to make dead relationship work ...anyway)
I think I just need the novelty to wear off, ride this storm and wait for the sunshine

I've been both sides of this and do believe it's best for everyone to get along and meet. The mother declined to meet me which I thought was a shame plus gave me lots of questions as to why. I'd not fully trust the ex if he's a narc so I'd want to know who was seeing the LG for sure. Tbf I'd hate my narc ex taking my LG on his own but that's my issue and I'd do family time (me, him and LG as a minimum) where anyone was welcome, but I'd be there for sure.

I used to spent time with them but my dd thought we’d be getting back together and ex was hoping that too. He used to put me down a lot and I had to stop seeing him. For three four months he’d pick up dd from the porch and drop her off with hardly any words. As hard as it was. For weeks I used to call Samatitans every Saturday night when dd was with him I was so worried and then she stopped wanting to stay over night.

The sunshine is coming love. Promise. You have a lot on your plate and you’re handling it fine. You’ve also taken some difficult stuff on board on this thread and sound much more sure if yourself already.

You were absolutely right to stop him stopping in after he’s had her. It’s your space now, he has to respect that and you’ve shown strength in putting your foot down.

This is a new chapter. Keep doing your best for your children and building a wonderful life for the three of you. He’s the one missing out by choosing not to be a good parent. She knows you’re the one who loves her and wants the best for her, whether it’s keeping her hydrated and safe in the sun, making sure she gets enough sleep to enjoy tomorrow properly, eating lovely healthy food, keeping her teeth healthy. None of that’s the fun stuff but children feel happiest and most secure with sensible boundaries. Send her off to see him with a big cuddle, tell her to have a lovely time and you’ll be there when she gets back. So she’ll eat too much sugar and watch too much tv. It’s not great but it’s not going to hurt her and you can give her some extra time in the park and a nice healthy lunch the day after.

Leave them to it, she knows her mum adores her and is taking care of her.

Your x sounds like a dick and I would be extremely pissed at someone kissing my kid in the mouth. We have established that in our house hold.
Children need to grow up with the knowledge that their bodies belong to them and that this kind of behaviour shouldn't be normalised. I might be a bit ott but that's how it starts. A kiss today , then god knows what next. Would people be ok with a bf doing that to his parents child? Hell no! So why is this being take so lightly
I'm surprised no one is picking up on that. My message to the gf would be:" you don't f*ing have to meet me but keep your lips to yourself. What need does she have to do that?
Absolutely unacceptable!!! WTH

Thank you so much AnneLovesGilbert 🙂

Mini 2017. In my work I come across many people who’ve been abused and can see the devastating consequences many years after. I hope I raised my dd well enough that she’d tell me if anyone did something to her like she did about the kids. I ask her every week.
When ex said he’d arrange meet up I though kissing him (ex) gf and her son on lips keeping British culture alive but of course I wouldn’t have guts to do it. I’d love to see her reaction though. Luckily as far as I know kisses didn’t repeat but I’ll be asking dd after every day she’s with them.

Op, don't want to scare you but just be very vigilant.
Hope it all goes well and you two can co parent on good terms(

OP kissing people on the lips (unless you're romantically or sexually involved) is NOT British culture. We don't do that. Just weird people do.

Sparklynails7 I kiss my kids on the lips. I don’t think it’s weird unless the child doesn’t like it and says so.

Family kissing ok but not a stranger. She might not be to dds dad but she’s to her or me.
That’s just getting oh the wrong side from the start.

He won’t want you to meet her in case you get along and she realises you aren’t the ass he’s painted you to be. Stop asking.
I can see why you would want to because their time unsettles you but that’s not going to change once you meet her once.

He’s enjoying having a new hold over you.

Listen to your dd and when she mentions what’s she’s been doing on her visits be interested and that way she will continue to open up.

The kissing on the lips thing would bother me but some people do it, weird or not!
As pp have said teach your dd to not give hugs or kisses should she not want to, let ex know dd is now up for high fives or thumbs up! My 3 year old ds sometimes doesn’t want to kiss people goodbye so they get a high five or a raspberry blown at them

He’s dd Dad that’s it, you got rid of the guy that EA you, good for you, doing that alone is setting your dd up to know what she should and should not put up with.

Thank you Teenagerwoes,
As hard as it is I’ll have to do just that. Trust that dd will talk to me and no matter what her dad will tell her she’ll feel that she can tell me anything.

If anyone is still watching this thread I have an update. I’m meeting bg on Saturday. She messaged me and was happy to meet up. Even suggested we meet without the ex. Will see how it goes but she seems quite friendly through few messages we exchanged.
She also explained the kiss

fantastic news Lavender! Let us know how it goes. Glad shes put your mind at rest (for now). Maybe you were right and it was just the ex getting in the middle

So, we met last Saturday. She was actually nice. It was awkward but the fact I have no feelings for the ex made it a lot easier.
She explained the kiss and that it wasn’t on mouth and she also said she was asking ex if he told me about her meeting dd and didn’t want to meet her before I knew about it. Even cancelled meeting them once because I didn’t know. Respect.
I don’t know what will happen next but it definitely helped me. :)

There you go. You can relax a bit now, she seems ok.

So pleased it went well.

Thank you all for your support. :)

I think if a woman wants to be in the life of a man with a child and therefore in the child’s life I think it would be higely selfish of her not to want to meet the child’s mother and also if a man who enters the mum/child’s life didn’t want to meet the dad. There should be consistency between the two families and anyone who is not willing to meet up like this clearly does not have the child’s best interests at heart.