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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

New girlfriend

103 replies

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 18:29

I know the answer some of you might give me but it’s not as simple.
My ex has new girlfriend. I know I gave no legal right to meet her. She’s met my daughter, kissed her on mouth first time they met. My dd didn’t like it and neither did I especially as my x has been seeing her for about three months. When I told him my dd didn’t want to be kissed on mouth he told me I was just being jealous ( nasty break up two years ago -he’s a total narcs and by the looks of it is trying to make me jealous but failing)
Because I dint tryst his judgement I asked if I can meet this woman and he said ok. That he’ll arrange that before she next sees my dd.
When i asked him if he’s seeing her today with dd he said no only to message me 5 minutes before she was coming home that they met!!!
I’m not sure why he has to lie and makes me wonder what this woman is if he can’t even say he’s meeting her with dd.
He was emotionally abusive and got away with the police. I’d be happier if he wasn’t in our life but dd wants to see him so I allow them their time.
I’d like to meet from mums, ladies, future step mums about your feelings about the mother and whether you’d want to meet then if she so wished.
He told me she wants to meet me but I’m not sure he told her. He lies a lot and did when we were together and exaggerates a lot too and I don’t know what to believe

OP posts:

Ivorbig1 · 28/04/2018 19:24

How much time does he spend with your dd?
I’m sure you are having talks with your daughter about what she does when seeing her dad and how she feels about everything when she comes home?? I think this is your best route to what is happening when she apart from you. His new gf will be in his side imo. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing he is in control of something you want. It will happen, you will meet her if the remain together. I understand why you worry but if your dd is ok, I think it’s safe to assume the new gf is ok. ??? What do you think ??

Juells · 28/04/2018 19:24

I've never understood why exs have this compulsion to force their new girlfriend on their children, when they're seeing their children only one day a week, or for a few hours. Why can't they just be there for the child, rather than making it all about them?

Ivorbig1 · 28/04/2018 19:25

Agree with Eloise kissing on lips is odd, but something that doesn’t occur to some as so.
There have been a few threads mn about the subject so clearly not everyone agrees it’s odd.

Ivorbig1 · 28/04/2018 19:26

Jules because they are lazy arse pricks who need an audience to endorse their skills as a dad or lazy and the gf does bulk of the work.

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:27

CreamTeaa. You have a good point there. I guess because I’m with my dd most of the time and what we’ve been through I want to make sure people around her are good to her and she won’t suffer. What shocked me was that she kissed my daughter on mouth on first meeting and was kissing ex in front of her even though ex told her new gf is just a friend.

OP posts:

Japanese · 28/04/2018 19:30

I should imagine, given your relationship history, that if he is hiding anything it will be you. He won't want you getting too close to his new girlfriend and telling her that he was abusive towards you.

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:33

Ivorbig1 she’s with him almost every weekend. Luckily I can talk to my dd and you’re right I shouldn’t show him I’m angry. It feels as if he’s enjoying this because he knows there is nothing I can do. He even told me last week that it’s a shame he wasn’t good enough for me which makes me question his new relationship

OP posts:

Mousefunky · 28/04/2018 19:34

When my exh and I separated he met and moved in with someone else a month later. At a drop off once she was with him and she completely gave me the cold shoulder, acted as if I didn’t exist. It was awkward AF. Likewise she came to collect the DC once about a year later and she knocked on the door then walked back to her car and waited there. I tried to greet her and she just blanked me. I don’t bother anymore.

You are right, you sadly don’t have a right to meet her and she could literally be anyone. You just have to try and trust your ex to keep your DD safe.

Smeddum · 28/04/2018 19:35

I’ve met DS1s stepmum, I also asked to meet the many women who posed as stepmum over the years. She’s the only one who agreed and I respected her for it, we get on well.

If your DD asks not to be kissed on the mouth, she should be listened to.

Notevilstepmother · 28/04/2018 19:36

I met DSDs mum fairly soon after DH and I decided it was serious and I met DSD. I was nervous but I understood that she wanted to meet me as I’d be spending a lot of time with her child. We get on reasonably well all things considered.

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:36

Juells my thoughts but can’t stop it. If it was serious than ok but second gf in seven months? I just hope my dd will see through it when she’s old enough

OP posts:

CaraDeanna · 28/04/2018 19:38

I met SDs mum about 1.5 years in to relationship. She jumps on me and kisses me on the mouth sometimes. It's harmless and cute. No issue there from me but I wouldn't do it to her if she didn't like it.

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:38

Ivorbig1 Hahahaha there is some truth in your words. My ex definitely needs an audience. He did when we were together- show off what a perfect man he was not so much behind close doors

OP posts:

sockunicorn · 28/04/2018 19:44

If my dp had a child from a previous relationship and the ex wanted to meet me to put their mind at rest I'd do it. Nothing to hide! Might be awkward but who cares. Child comes first

THIS! I would have no problem. As a mother myself I would understand her worries and would actually want to meet her. Children need parents to show unity and that there are no issues. I would want the new girlfriend to feel comfortable enough to let me know if there were any problems or whatever. If she didnt want to meet me but was so forward with my child I would wonder what her game was.

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:53

Dd is very friendly and sociable but not very keen on huggs. She’s kiss me on mouth. Luckily gf stopped and I told dd to tell her if there was something she didn’t like. I have very close bond with dd and hope it’ll stay that way and she tells me a lot so perhaps I should trust her that she would tell me if anything did happen.
I’m glad ex finally found someone, at least he’s not blaming me for ‘ruining his life ‘ and said he’s moving on but still seems to want to control and hurt. Sadly through dd

OP posts:

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 19:56

Sockunicorn so agree with both posts. If she wasnt a mother than I’d understand her apprehension but she’s got ds too. I’m not even sure it’s her. I know ex well enough to know he’s a good talker and was always hood at telling people what they wanted to hear. Often got awkward when he made up stuff especially around his family. I met his friends twice in six years so there wasn’t much I could find from them.

OP posts:

FoxySamanthaPetersonTheCat · 28/04/2018 20:01

The kissing on the mouth is weird imo. I’d be a bit at anyone doing that even if they’d known my children their whole lives. My children would both flip so I would raise that with their dad about respecting boundaries (actually I’d get my solicitor to as having a conversation with my rapist about boundaries would probably upset me).

As for meeting the girlfriend what do you hope to gain from that? I personally am not arsed about meeting my ex’s girlfriend/latest victim. My own partner refuses to meet my ex because he hates what he’s done to me.

That said I’m envious in a way of people who can do that and be friendly and nice in these situations at least in front of the children. Fair play to them.

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 20:05

Foxy I raised that with ex and instead of him saying “ok I’ll
Talk to gf “ he was trying to convince me I was being jealous which just made me angry because not only he does not respect dds wishes but made me question his new relationship with new gf.
What am I hoping to gain? I’m not sure. I’ve never been in or around situation like this. Definitely not bff but at least some knowledge about a person dd is spending weekends with. And I’d rather do it personally then having to ask dd for my peace of mind

OP posts:

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 20:07

I have no feelings or desire to be with ex so gf doesn’t have to worry. If it wasn’t for children I would erase him from my life

OP posts:

Sparklynails7 · 28/04/2018 20:08

I think it's weird to kiss a child on the mouth. What's wrong with a kiss on the cheek or forehead?

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 20:12

When I kiss my children it’s on forehead but my dd kisses me on mouth when going with her dad or good night kiss. It’s her thing but she doesn’t like to be kissed by strangers. Or hugged

OP posts:

Twangers1 · 28/04/2018 20:12

I am on both sides of this coin, I have a son from a previous relationship and I am step mum to a 6yr old boy. I made a point of meeting my SS mum as soon as my partner & I knew we were serious. For the simple fact it makes life easier for everyone, it’s good for the kids to see the adults getting along and the kids feel they can talk about both parents comfortably. I get on with my sons step mother and my step sons mother.

So yes, I do think meeting with her is a good idea if she’s agreeable. You can then make your own honest judgments on her as a person & not a description of her via your ex, then you can do what you need to do, if you’re not confident about your Daughter being in her company.

Original poster

Lavender928 · 28/04/2018 20:20

Thank you Twangers1. You’re right there. It’s not for me. I just want to be comfortable leaving my dd with ex and his new gf. Especially as my dd is so young.

OP posts:

Babydontcry · 28/04/2018 20:38

I have mixed feelings about this. I think in principle it's a great idea, but I think it depends on motivation of all involved. I did this with my ex partners ex and it led to having a good relationship in the 7 years we were together and allowed me to maintain a relationship with the kids after we split. When I did this with my current partners ex she just used it as an opportunity to bad mouth DP.

Dancingmonkey87 · 28/04/2018 20:38

My ex was EA and it was a horrible relationship however he has a loving relationship with ds and has since married. You got to separate your own feelings about your past relationship with the relationship your dd has with df.

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