New girlfriend

[Lavender928]

I know the answer some of you might give me but it’s not as simple.
My ex has new girlfriend. I know I gave no legal right to meet her. She’s met my daughter, kissed her on mouth first time they met. My dd didn’t like it and neither did I especially as my x has been seeing her for about three months. When I told him my dd didn’t want to be kissed on mouth he told me I was just being jealous ( nasty break up two years ago -he’s a total narcs and by the looks of it is trying to make me jealous but failing)
Because I dint tryst his judgement I asked if I can meet this woman and he said ok. That he’ll arrange that before she next sees my dd.
When i asked him if he’s seeing her today with dd he said no only to message me 5 minutes before she was coming home that they met!!!
I’m not sure why he has to lie and makes me wonder what this woman is if he can’t even say he’s meeting her with dd.
He was emotionally abusive and got away with the police. I’d be happier if he wasn’t in our life but dd wants to see him so I allow them their time.
I’d like to meet from mums, ladies, future step mums about your feelings about the mother and whether you’d want to meet then if she so wished.
He told me she wants to meet me but I’m not sure he told her. He lies a lot and did when we were together and exaggerates a lot too and I don’t know what to believe

Babydontcry I have no intention of badmouth him. I’m not heartbroken or have feelings for him. It’s up to them how they live their life. I just want to know her. Maybe we’ll meet once or more but I want to know who my daughter spends weekends with. And what woman kissed someone else’s child on mouth first time they see them ( ex said it’s British culture - I’m not British ...) I can be amicable for the sake of dd

Dancingmonkey87. I know that. If I had issue with it I’d fight to get him ‘panished’. Dd loves him but she doesn’t want to stay with him for too long and often comes back upset because of what he’s like. Luckily things have changed a bit since new gf for the better and they didn’t really spend much time as he’d take her to park and he’d be FaceTiming with gfs whilst she played. Not much of a time we’ll spend but if that’s what suits them ...

@Creamteaa is share you view to a tee. But it’s a viewpoint that often gets flamed. On here and in RL. But I still agree.

I never understand what they think they’ll achieve by meeting you for a short time. If your secure in your own role as a mother, it shouldn’t be an issue.

Jessikita you have a good point there. I’m not secure in my own role as a mother and that’s probably my biggest issue. But I also don’t trust ex.
I’ve never imagined I’d be in a situation like this so it’s very hard for me to know what to do, how to feel and how to deal with my own insecurities.

OP you won’t learn anything about her by meeting her for a short time. It will just be awkward.

Your better off leaving it and seeing how your dd comes back from there time together, your quickly learn if she’s kind to her.

@Jessikita - at least there is one person on here that agrees with me. It really doesn’t matter how much people argue the point either I still don’t agree with meeting because it makes the mum feel better.

omg her kissing your child on the mouth is NOT acceptable !

Also him being a narcissist and emotionally abusive means he can't be trusted, either to tell the truth or to have proper judgement on situations or people.

I would say your have a right to meet her.

You have to make it clear that she can't kiss your child's mouth or any other things your not comfortable with as she is your child and she is only five and with any other breakup it would possibly be overbearing, but when emotional abusive people are concerned, you have to step up and be assertive and clear.

Safety and boundaries come utmostly first.

I still don’t agree with meeting because it makes the mum feel better.

Why shouldn't the mother feel better? She has to allow her child go off to be with a stranger every weekend, and she's supposed to be OK with it because she's her nasty ex's girlfriend?

You might be right CreamTeaa. Maybe I think it’ll make me feel better but it might be the opposite and then what ... not knowing is sometimes better than knowing, not liking but not being able to change it. I really appreciate your comment even though it’s not what many ( including me) might want to hear but you have a point and hearing it from a stepmum makes me feel a bit better
Dd seems quite keen and like her so far. I’ll just have to reassure her and keep the bond so she feels comfortable talking to me.
Thank you

As for kissing on the mouth...yuck. That's how people get cold sores and have them for the rest of their lives. No kissing!

Lillymossflower it’s hard though. I’m
starting to feel that ex is just using this situation to hurt me. He used to do that a lot in and after we ended but once I found out what was happening I stopped giving him ammunition. He knows how protective I am about dd and he’s using it to show what he can do and try to hurt me. He wouldn’t even tell me they were meeting. Dd did. How cowardly is that? And then promised she’ll get in touch or we’d meet only for it to be a lie. That’s what hurts the most. Him playing these games, making empty promises and using dd in the middle.
He thing is if I told him I don’t care or want to meet his he he’d turn that against me that I don’t cate about dd. Well a very simplified version.

@Juells - she’s allowing her child time off with her dad. Not a stranger. The new gf is not a stranger to her ex and while the child in the care of her dad then it’s up to him to decide who can meet his DD, not the mum.

But I’m not talking about this instance as the dad sounds like a twat but in general or in my case.

OP - just don’t bring it up again, don’t give him any power over you..

I think u have every right to meet her it's ur daughter! If I split with OH I'd expect to meet his new partner if she was going to be part of my child's life and I'd obviously introduce any new partner I had to the father of my child.

He sounds like a toss pot OP. Can u get hold of her on social media maybe? I thought the unwritten rule for meeting children while dating was 6 months.

3 months isn't long to know someone and if ur EX is a liar I'd be demanding to meet her as u have no clue what kind of interactions are going on or what kind of person she is apart from what DD tells u.

Lavender if you’re not secure, it could possibly make you feeling worse? If you perceive she’s better than you, in any way surely you’ll just end up comparing yourself?

Do you generally have low self esteem? You will always be the most important person to your daughter, no matter who comes along.

Since break up I’m not on social media. A friend wanted to look her up but I wouldn’t go down that road.
I’m not sure what ex’s intentions are. 3 months with a complete stranger.
If he knew her from before it’s differebt but alarm bells were ringing after first meet up and a kiss which luckily now stopped. I’ve been bringing my daughter up knowing and protecting her private areas and always tell me if anyone touched her so i have to just believe she would.
Ex has no rules and makes and twists them as he goes. This is a second gf in seven months. He’s 35 - first one was 21. This one is 39 so I’m not sure I tryst his judgement.

Jessikita I have ups and downs with my self esteem. I m a bit worried dd might want to spend more time with her dad and gf because they have fun. They don’t have to discipline, do school stuff.... none of that and after first weekend dd told me for the first time I’m a bad mum which really hurt ( only because it was past bed time and she didn’t want to go to bed) I told her kindly that if I’m a bad mum and she doesn’t like living at home she can live with her dad. She apologised and said she doesn’t want that and that she wants to stay here. It made me feel a lot better. I didn’t say it as a threat I just wanted to give her a choice. I just now how manipulative ex is.

I wouldn't expect to meet my ex's new gf UNLESS my child was going to be left alone with her. Then I would and I'd give my ex the same courtesy. He doesn't have to meet all my friends who might see my dd while I'm there and vice versa, but if it was someone seriously in my life, who might be left alone with dd, then yes, I'd like my ex to feel comfortable and not worried about it.
I wouldn't introduce anyone I'd been dating for less than 6 months to my dd. Certainly not someone I'd met online!

There’s no need for you to meet her. What if you can’t stand her? She’s still going to be there however you feel.

You don’t “allow” your child’s father to have contact with her. She has the right to a relationship with both of her parents. Either of you can spend time with anyone you choose to, whether your child is there or not.

The oddest thing you’ve said is you hope she’ll make him change his behaviour or parenting. That’s not her job. She’s his girlfriend, not another parent unless they decide that’s going to be their set up.

You obviously loathe your ex, and that’s just how it is for now. Are you willing to let him vet future partners of yours? Or will you decide they’re your choice and if you see fit to have them spend time with your child that’s enough?

Two new women in 7 months sugggests he’s an idiot. That can’t be easy.

But you chose to have a child with him and she’s only little so you’re stuck coparenting with him as best you can for at least 10 years so pressing the issue is only going to cause you additional stress and anxiety.

He’s an equal parent. Just how it is.

X post. Wow. You say he’s manipulative and you’re the one telling a five year old if she doesn’t like her bedtime at yours she can go and live elsewhere? Not good parenting OP. And saying it wasn’t a threat doesn’t change that that’s EXACTLY what it sounds like from here.

Hmmm not sure about your recent update OP. Sounds like you'll end up projecting your self esteem issues on your daughter and that's often the way toxic relationships start. So what if she has fun with her dad? Isn't that the point? Doesn't mean she loves you any less

after first weekend dd told me for the first time I’m a bad mum

No 5-year-old pulls that out of thin air. She's been fed that line by your ex.

I'm another where it's in the contact order to meet new partners before contact with child. Lawyer told me it'd never been done and judge would say no. Judge agreed (given all that had gone on before).

Why? Because this person will be spending a LOT of time with my child in a quasi parental role. Establishing a good relationship with your child's step parent ESPECIALLY when the relationship with the other parent is difficult can really help the child.

In my case he was leaving her with new lady in sole charge having neglected to tell her that our child had asthma and allergies! Not only dangerous for child but bloody unfair on her! I was also able to have a good chat with her re dds likes/dislikes, routine etc and that enabled her actually to build a good relationship with her.

"I would want the new girlfriend to feel comfortable enough to let me know if there were any problems or whatever" another good reason. Ex was a bugger for telling me sod all! Whereas dds stepmum (especially once she was a mum herself) would say things at collecting time like "she might be a bit grumpy she didn't sleep well last night" or "grab some calpol if you've none in she's starting a cold and may get a fever" (dd was prone to VERY high fevers at the slightest bug resulting in fits at one stage - ex REFUSED to acknowledge this)

As a helpful "side effect" it also meant I was able to debunk all the crap he'd told her about me! (Crazy ex, wanted him back - par for the course - BUT Inc that I'd threatened her!)

So there's lots of good reasons. I think it should be standard behaviour.

"I've never understood why exs have this compulsion to force their new girlfriend on their children, when they're seeing their children only one day a week, or for a few hours. Why can't they just be there for the child, rather than making it all about them?" It's to impress them. "See what a good dad I am. I must therefore be a lovely all round broke and not a cocklodging/cheating/abusive pos"

Also so they have a babysitter for nights out with the lads if they're "stuck" with the child at weekends. And if the child is very young - so they're not having to do nappy changing, night wakings etc

The kissing on the mouth DEEPLY inappropriate NOT British culture that's bullshit! Geez wasn't that long ago we barely shook children's hands! 😂

What's wrong with mum feeling better? Surely that then means mum is relaxed which then means child is more relaxed. Children pick up on parents emotions.

AnneLovesGilbert ( my favourite childhood series :)). Exactly. What if I don’t like her... I’m not sure how to handle this situation. Dd has right to have that relationship and I know there is nothing I can do about it. He sees having dd as doing me a favour and helping me out not as Co parenting.
I can see why you might see it as odd. He’s a big bully and sometimes says things to dd that upset her a lot so I guess said like that it might seem odd. Of course it’s not his new gf job to change him. He’ll do it to get her what he wants. He’s talking about her in exactly the same way he was talking about me but hey ho.
I don’t need to vet his gfs but because of the intensity and timing I’m a bit worried. He can date who he wants. That’s none of my business. But it is my business if dd comes home saying gf kissed her on mouth, she didn’t like it and was scared to tell her dad or gf and for dad to try to tell me it’s my issue.
As for living situation it, reading it back doesn’t sound like a good parenting. It wasn’t like that. I sat with her after we both calmed down and spoke about how things are and if she’s happy. She’d like to see her dad more but he’s not really bothered. I wanted her to know she’s not stuck with me and that she can make a choice if she wasn’t happy here. Not in a bad way. It’s hard I’m so many ways. Dad would never have her but I dint want dd to know that. I want her to know she has a choice and right to be happy. I might be over protective and even cover her dads back just so she doesn’t feel he’s not that bothered.
I don’t know if this makes sense or not. I just hate picking up the pieces trying to make sure she doesn’t suffer now or later in life

Leopoldstotch I’m glad she’s having fun with him. That’s not the point. Even though he used to say that a lot and at least when she’s with him she’s having fun because he feeds her junk , lets her not brush her teeth, never reads for school ... I get it. We have fun in different ways.
Normally I feel ok about myself. Ex just manages to make me feel like a failure. He’s the only one and trust me I’m working on it.

I know it's easier said than done but don't let him get to you. Your daughter said she wanted to remain with you so you're clearly doing something right.