To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

Personally I hated the idea of people knowing. I'm quite private and would have not liked everyone waiting etc.

Luckily dp was very supportive and we told them once she was here. We also had 5 days to ourselves before visitors which some people would be shocked at.

MIL was first to visit then my DM so no favouritism. They all luckily understood we wanted time to get used to being parents.

SIL did ask me to let her know when in labour to wish me luck but accepted I would be uncomfortable with that. Beginning to have new appreciation for my in laws after some of these posts.

I think not telling them is fine - after all you have no idea how long things will take, and the last thing you will need is your husband having to field calls from worried relatives who know you've been in labour for twenty seven hours and want to know what's going on. He needs to respect you on this, you are the one doing the hard work of delivering the baby. He will get even more enjoyment out of ringing them excitedly tell them that he is a dad, and all the details afterwards.

I was so happy I went into labour in the middle of the night with mine. No-one knew about DC1 until we rang them in the morning to say the baby was here. It was wonderful.

I didn't tell my own mum. I was on the phone to her while in labour and didn't mention anything
My folks like to worry, and probably would have bombarded us and ended up getting annoyed at not being kept updated every hour so I thought it'd be best to wait.
Not sure what my partner did with his family, but we certainly stayed away from social media.

I honestly dont understans the obsession with secrecy

Secrecy or privacy? It's the latter to me.

Surely the person going through it has the final say. It's about keeping them calm and comfortable surely? I suspect if the dh hadn't become 'livid' at the request they could have discussed it properly and come to a compromise.

I'm sure both op and her dh are anxious at the moment so it's understandable, but even so the
Op's needs do trump his at the moment.

Perhaps if he'd explained he felt he needed that as his support to be able to support her he'd have had a better reception. Though tbh I doubt he recognises that's what's going on at the moment .

YANBU. Tell your DH that he gets a say when he's pregnant.

YABU

All they want to do is pray...not descend on you at the hospital.

Tell your DH that he gets a say when he's pregnant

It's this kind of thought process that causes problems in relationships.

If the husband to a SAHM said "You get a say when you start earning" ...how would that go down.

He's not stating what type of birth she should have...he's not dictating she shouldn't have pain relief...he's just wanting his family informed so they can pray.

It would be very different if they were intrusive and insistent on camping outside the maternity ward.

OP ..you don't want to tell your family...that's fine. Leave him to tell his family.

I don't see the problem with telling anyone, unless they are likely to come rushing down the hospital or intrude unnecessarily.

childbirth is no longer a spectator sport even for royalty.

when. it starts, go to hospital and find that dusty switch on the side of your phones that turns them off.

Agree withSandy2k , you are both going through this day and his views about family are as valid as yours. Praying for you is a positive thing why would you not want it? I'm not religious but I understand the spirit in which this is being done.If you don't want to tell your family and friends you certainly don't have to but why are you dictating what your husband should do? It sounds a bit disrespectful but I totally understand that you are feeling apprehensive about the chaos to come and trying to control the bits of the process that you can. I just think that this is unnecessary.

Bugger your in-laws.

Make sure you post on here when labour starts

'Praying for you' makes me massively uncomfortable as a non-believer.
Just out of interest, were they praying for you during the conception as well, OP, as that would make me feel equally uncomfortable?
Will they be praying for you during your first bowel movement afterwards too?

I understand how you feel op...and I think your husband should respect your wishes...with my first I went in to Labour in the early morning,I refused to leave the house for hospital untill every neighbor had gone to work..they were lovely and meant well,but I just didn't want them knowing.

I'm sure my parents would like to pray for me too but I'm a non believer so don't much care about what they want.

No one will know when I go into labour. My body is mine alone, I don't want people thinking of me or knowing when I am vulnerable and in pain. Luckily my dh is very supportive and I'm on dc3 and happy to just ignore messages and calls.

I feel your husband should be putting your wishes first...

Oh god DEFINITELY keep it to yourselves

Such a special time that you will never get back

I posted earlier in the thread as I am due in a couple of weeks and thinking along the same lines as the OP - I’d rather not tell anyone I’m going into labour, mainly because I’m uncomfortable with the thought of them fretting if it’s a long labour.

Both my DM and MIL have asked us to let them know when I go into hospital (I may actually be having a home birth but we haven’t told them that). Luckily DP has said he is on board with whatever I choose re: telling people.

Having thought a lot over the last day or so, I think I’m going to compromise. Will ask DP to pre-write a short text (“Baby’s on the way! We are turning our phones off and will let you know when he/she is here!”) sort of thing ready to send from his phone to immediate family once labour is definitely established and baby is definitely coming soon. Luckily we have a doula so she can help remind us, or even hit the send button herself if we ask her to.
If the birth goes well, we are then planning at least an hour of quiet time after the birth before announcing to anyone.

Would this be a possible compromise for you and your husband OP? Texting once labour is established rather than early stages would mean that his relatives get to pray at an appropriate time and you retain control of who knows in those first uncertain hours of labour.

We didn't tell anyone with dc1 and it was bliss not being pestered during that time. I would have lost my shit if my DH was on his phone updating everyone when all he should be doing is supporting me!

We're hoping to be able to do the same with dc2, if all being well it's another quick birth. It probably wouldn't be worth the aggravation it would cause with family but I'd love to just have dc2 and be home a few days before even announcing the birth! Once they all knew dc1 arrived, it was ridiculous and hugely impacted my recovery. I felt so vulnerable and pressured from all angles.

Just out of interest, were they praying for you during the conception as well

Now that's just stupidity

I would have lost my shit if my DH was on his phone updating everyone

Everyone being his parents?

It's just "X has gone into labour. Will let you know when the baby is born."
One person can update the rest of the family.

One message. Then another after the birth..and not before the cord is cut or the placenta delivered.

I wouldn't expect a husband to be texting during contractions. That would drive anyone crazy.

We told everyone after babies were delivered never occurred to us to do otherwise even when people vaguely mentioned wanting to know when we headed to hospital.

I think in the end the family prefer this - meant they didn’t have hours of worry and meant DH wasn't fielding anxious phone calls. Though it was a joint decision.

DSis ex told his family who all turned up at the hospital and camped out in the waiting room - he was then in and out to them and on the phone. There were a few complaints it was taking so long from which he helpfully passed on to her In end she asked MW to ring Mum so she had someone focused on her while in labour so Mum was there for the birth.

I’d think I’d prefer to know once baby was here with my DC unless the DC needed childcare or support or particle help -a otherwise you’re spending hours days worried and waiting – and possibly being a nuisance if you call for information.

It’s one of those odd modern thing I think like people announcing they are TTC. According to MIL all are children were unplanned as we didn't announce to everyone we were trying - announcing to everyone we'd be having lots of sex not using and contraceptive just seems off to me. Couples in our family who have then complain it adds pressure if things don’t happen straight away as people know and naturally ask questions, and give what they think of as helpful advice or stories.

As your DH is so adment perhaps wait till establish labour and insits he makes it clear he won't be doing constant updates and make it clear to him you want him to be focuses on you not glued to the phone.

I think you need to analyse why you do not want him to tell them. If they have form for being indiscreet then that is reasonable if you do not want everyone to know. If you are concerned it will cause excess worry if a long labour then surely that is their call, not yours. If you are worried they will keep phoning for updates then the deal is your husband turns his phone off whilst he is with you but if you fall asleep or he goes out for a wee presumably he can give them a quick reassurance call. If your reasoning is just because you say so...that seems a bit controlling and I agree it needs to be a joint decision. As a Christian, I often tell friends and family about difficult situations so they can pray and as a result, whether you believe in prayer or not, I have felt very peaceful in the most difficult situations. Whilst this is not a popular view on Mumsnet, the birth process can be very traumatic for fathers who are watching their wives express extreme pain and often feel powerless to help alleviate it. One of my brothers was extremely traumatised by one of his childrens births in which he nearly lost his son and wife. I think your husband needs to be allowed to do what he feels he wants to providing it has no negative effect on you.

I hated the idea of anyone knowing I was in labour.
Especially felt “dark” about it before I knew if I was any good at it! First babies are when you discover if a baby’s head and your pelvis are ok together. Sometimes they’re not well matched, due to all manner of factors: baby’s head angle, muscle strength, tiredness, your general health, blood pressure etc, and that can be a long labour. Last thing you need is stress from the watching crowds, all clucking away and tsking.

I felt watched and judged and timed.

I told people when the baby had arrived, and we were all ok.

Op stand strong, if you need a dark cave to have your baby in, you go for that.

Make sure your DH and you are on the same page about posting pictures and info on Facebook. Also that the whole world and her aunt doesn’t need to know about any details of how your fanny survived.

I couldn’t stand the idea of giving birth when everyone knew I was in labour, and the clock had started and the baby was “expected” in a certain way or timeframe, under the spotlight.

I liken giving birth to having an orgasm. Not going to happen if everyone is looking and waiting, and wondering why it’s taking so long.

I’m an introvert. I like to crack on with things quietly and in my own time and way.

Good luck!

I'm with you OP. I only gave a vague due date, then didn't tell anyone I was in labour. DH was totally fine with it and happily told his parents that we wouldn't be letting them know it had kicked off.
Was lovely to ring first thing in the morning and let everyone know.

I didn't want anyone to know, I felt like a watched pot. As it was my Mum found out by accident and it was awful for her to wait. Labour went on for a long time and she told me after that she cleaned her house from top to bottom with the stress.