To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

We didn’t tell anyone when I went into labour with my first. I don’t really get the point it’s not like anyone can do anything. They find out when the baby comes! The only reason anyone knew second time, and it was only my parents, is because we needed them to look after my son!

Tbh when it all kicks off he probably won't have time to be telling anyone anyway until baby arrives. Priority is you and baby!

ElisenBrunnen

"The PP who said her phone was a life line in the hours of boring labour - you do know there are these things called books? Magazines, newspapers, puzzles, TV... Lots of things to distract you that do not involve FB, SM, texting, phones of any sort?"

If this was referring to my comment then you should have noticed that I was also reading and watching tv....

However daytime tv is utter drivel, so really wasn't interesting, and I'd read through the night whilst DH slept (he'd been back from Afghanistan less than 24 hours and was physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted from, you know, um WAR so I let him sleep because he literally could not stay awake and I wouldn't ask him to). Once morning came I wanted to chat to my friends.

It's not that I didn't know there were other things to do, nor that I hadn't done them, but at that point I wanted to be having conversations with people.

It's not an either/or and a phone is not some dreadful object to be shunned in labour.

Even if it wasn't aimed at me it's a bit unpleasant to so smugly attempt to shame another woman for her choice of how to occupy her brain in labour. Why does it even matter?

We rang our mums on the way in. They wanted to know and there was no way they would just turn up. DH phoned his mum early hours after DS arrived and the next morning I phoned my mum and DH visited both of them briefly with photos 😊 We had no visitors in hospital and called to see both mums on our way home before enjoying a few days to ourselves.

Can’t see the harm in your DH sending a quick text or making a quick call.so long as they don’t come and camp out at the hospital.

Whilst getting constant requests for updates would be annoying I think it's really unfair to tell them and then turn your phones off as pp have suggested; what state will they be in when they've not heard anything after 24 hours and can't get hold of DH? Either tell them and keep them updated every few hours or don't tell them at all.

Just to add we might have updated them the next day if things dragged on but DS arrived 4 hours after I got to hospital!

I think a reasonable compromise is letting him notify them but if you catch him on his phone at any point it's going off till you've given birth and are settled.

I totally get where you're coming from, I went overdue by ten days and was highly hormonal, uncomfortable and fed up. Add in nervousness and trepidation about a labour that just wasn't happening and the last thing I wanted was a load of clucking.

I agree it's important to remember this is a pretty big event for your dh and the emotional turmoil he'll be experiencing but that's only a consideration for you not a priority. His priority at the moment should not be winding you up and getting your blood boiling. I understand him needing outside support to do that, but he needs to present that to you in a way that doesn't over ride everything you're actually physically trying to manage.

On reviewing the whole thing I'm confused and irritated that despite pregnancy and giving birth being a physical process that I had to go through, no one gives you any leeway in the same way they would for any other physically traumatic experience. You'd get more understanding for passing a kidney stone. It's baffling really. Yes there's a lovely little newborn and if you feel up to it bonus, but overwhelmingly people I've spoken to feel like they've been hit by a bus, had to drag that bus ten miles back to the garage and then watch watership down on repeat whilst a nurse kicks them in the crotch.

Totally worth it though by the way

Personally, I think you're being unreasonable not telling them when things start. There's no harm in sending a quick message out saying you're going into hospital and you'll let everyone know when the baby is safely here. Then turn your phones off.

Our labour ward didn't have any phone signal anyway, so even if they wanted to family couldn't keep mithering. Ours knew better than to constantly bother us. We also explained that they were welcome to visit when invited. With my eldest there was complications so no one wanted to bother us then anyway. With my youngest, we said no one was allowed to meet him until his brother did, which gave us a couple of days.

Depends on what they'll do if they know. My in laws would be ringing every five minutes and I didn't want that kind of distraction. If they'll do nothing other than pray and wait for a phone call confirming the safe arrival of the baby then I can't see much on an issue but if they'll pester and distract you then that's a different story...

GorgonLondon
your DH is likely to be anxious as you are, and may need the support.

Er no, that's not how it works.

Yes it is. Watching the person you love most in the world in pain and not being able to do anything about it can be earth shattering. It has been known to induce PTSD.

One of these people is risking their life

Maybe lose a bit of the melodrama. Most labours are not life risking.

Surely if he knows in advance that it’s going to be so traumatising for him that he needs to line up outside support he should be grown up enough to consider if he should step aside and have the op pick a more suitable birth partner

Thank you all for your replies, I'm glad in a way that it's split everyone with so many varied responses!

It's a good point about the praying beforehand, I know they have already and will continue to do so. Will put that to DH and see what he says. His point was that it doesn't count after the birth so why refuse to tell them until the baby is born. Praying will only help during labour. For

I honestly dont understans the obsession with secrecy. Surely the obvious compromise is tp agree to text them but get them to agree in advance that you wont then be providing constant real time updates ans they should not lost on social media.

Having said that, you might be stuck in hospital for ages. A dew whats app messages wont be that much of a.chore.

that any person should only want to see family when it suit them and bar the family the rest of the time

So you think not saying 'I'm in labour' is excluding familly?

Op didn't say she didn't want vistors she said she wanted a couple of hours recovery time. She hasn't banned anyone. Just asked for a bit of respect for her to physically recover.

Sorry accidental early post!

For context I'm not religious and don't have as much knowledge as I probably should when it comes to what they need to do etc.

I'm really aware that it could takes ages for baby to arrive as it's my first, also aware that things could go pete tong so am reticent for this reason to tell people we're going in and then turning off phones for what could be a long time. Putting myself in their shoes I suspect there could be a lot of worry and want to save them that.

If they’re nice, considerate people then they’ll understand that you don’t want people to know until you’re ready.

If they’re not nice, considerate people and think that their desire to pray is more important than your desire for privacy then who cares what they think anyway?

I totally agree about saving them worry. I suppose that's their problem and you can ask what they'd prefer - making it clear there won't / may not be any updates, from 'going in' to 'arrived'.

Maybe prayer, being contemplative, is quite a different state of mind to 'requesting updates'.

I remember asking whether people wanted to be told about the new arrival straight away (i.e. two or three hours after the birth, when we were ready), even if that was in the middle of the night, or would they rather wait until morning. Up to them.

@BigPinkBall my in-laws are really lovely. They're just insistent on knowing when I go into labour.

DH is the first partner in his family to actually attend a birth as well which may be contributing to this, it's normally a female only affair. We're only allowed one birth partner so they were a little surprised when we said it would be DH. My SIL (x2) keep saying to let them know when things start so they can come with me, I've said twice now it's just DH. They're being lovely I know that and they just want to support but it's feeling quite pressured!

overwhelmingly people I've spoken to feel like they've been hit by a bus, had to drag that bus ten miles back to the garage and then watch watership down on repeat whilst a nurse kicks them in the crotch.

Is this your husbands child as well?

I'd very much want my DH to be focused on supporting me during the later stages of labour and birth. Not on updating other people. It can be quite boring for the partner in the earlier stages though.

What did you both decide before you were over due? I can 8magine it’s frustrating being asked when your probably fed up yourself and I understand grandparents to be are probably very excited but you you both compromise and he just texts parents who can tell everyone but on the agreement it says something like. You will pleased to hear xyz has come into the world at.... Both mum and baby doing well. We will send photos in a little while but for now we are spending our first few hours as a 3. That way you don’t have to tell everyone. You can turn your phones off and it’s clear your having you time?

Sorry meant can’t you both compromise

Honestly I would be upset if my adult DC were going into labour and didn’t let me know. I wouldn’t ask for or expect constant updates as i’d Know that clearly they were busy! Nor would I turn up at the hospital. But this a huge life event and your DH sending them a quick message to let them know it’s started won’t even affect you. I think your being selfish tbh

Agreed. I don't expect to be informed when friends or extended family go into labour (although that has happened), but I would appreciate a quick text or call from my DC or their partner - provided labour and birth don't occur so quickly that there's barely enough time to get to hospital of course (as happened with my DC2).

With DC1 I phoned my mum as I wanted her there for the delivery. I can't honestly remember if we/I phoned anyone else. I guess DH told his parents.

DC was whisked away to NICU immediately after birth, so I was glad there was someone there to support DH and me. She was also slightly removed enough from the situation to be in a position to "retell" the story to people we wanted to know about it without us having to rehash it every time.

However, if someone was threatening to pray for me, there's no way I'd be informing them as I wouldn't want any part in that rubbish.

For PP saying it's not just my decision as it's our baby I completely agree, if the situation was reversed and it was my family asking to know and DH didn't want to say anything I would respect his wishes as he's more important to me. Hence why I posted to ask AIBU, it's upset me that something I would put him first for is not being reciprocated.