To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

I think yanbu, you are the one going into labour, you are the one having the baby. Your husband should be doing everything to make sure you are as happy and comfortable as possible. He is entitled to not agree and be thinking of his family, but his priority should be you.

Also even if you were being a bit unreasonable, you are allowed to be! You are having a baby!

Yabu

The birth of a child is not gossip. It’s a blessing and I think you are being selfish in your way of thinking.

I know many private individuals but this is not something that would even occur to them

Even the royal family announce labours

Our families knew because I was induced. The labour was a bit complicated but we're not in any danger. All the same my dad told me after that he and the extended family were "sick with worry". Those particular words really pissed me off and I wouldn't tell them again.

Even the royal family announce labours

...and are out impeccably groomed within hours of giving birth - let's not hold ordinary people to an extraordinary standard.

Plus the 'selfish' accusation is horseshit frankly. Yes a baby is a wonderful thing but the mother is not simply a vessel for it and should be respected as the primary authority on what is good for her for labour and birth and the immediate recovery period. It's her body.

I’m all on board with respecting the labouring mother’s wishes and do get the privacy element.

But they’ve given a good reason to want to know, because they want to pray and it’s important to them. That won’t impinge on your birth.

I’d try to accommodate that if at all possible.

You can't stop him telling anyone but why the hell he wants to when you don't is really mystifying. It's awful telling everyone. You feel like you're 'on the clock'. Really stressful and not good for labour. I wouldn't tell HIM at this rate.

I think you are being selfish in your way of thinking

What?

She is entitled to think of how and what she wants from the birth of her child and if that includes she privacy then so be it.

Giving birth is the only time a woman and truely think of herself without worrying about others feelings

@perfectionistchaos
A watched pot. That’s describes it exactly!

It WILL impinge on the birth.

A watched pot is spot on! Christ I didn't even tell anyone I was taking my driving test because of the pressure, let alone getting a human out of my vagina!

I have catastrophizing parents and MIL was coming up with out landish stuff with pfd - that she's be turning up at hospital and taking just the baby out shopping - so that why we kept quiet.

Morning after birth of pfb - DH was in hospital picking us up so phone was off. FIL left several very nasty messages that morning which upset DH when we did get home.

FIL was upset he wasn't getting updates -I’m not sure what update he expected – he had a few pictures from night before and birth weight.

But at that point we were both so glad we didn't have to deal with it all the night before and it was certainly better for family relations as DH found whole thing a bit stressful and would have blown up at FIL being demanding.

Plus, does your husband's family think that something will go wrong if they don't instantly start praying? Not helpful. Not a very nice God.

Third one we finally stood up for ourselves and didn't tell. The response to announcing the news told us everything. Not 'congratulations, is everyone ok' but 'oh you didn't call me'. It's selfish of them to even ask.

Why on earth is it selfish to not want to announce to the world that you are in labour? This is all bonkers. If someone wants to and have whoever praying for them, fine. But if you don't want to, you really really don't have to. Why does someone's urge to pray top the mother in labour's urge for privacy. That can't be right.

How the world has changed. My DCs are in their twenties and honestly no one announced they were in labour when I had mine. If a DM or DF was looking after older kids, OK they knew, but none of my friends told me they were having contractions. My first labour was so long it was nearly in the Guinness Book of Records, did I want everyone knowing I'd been in the hospital forever? Nope.

When or if my DCs have kids it will totally be their decision if they tell me or not. If I know the due date and I haven't heard from them for a length of time, I'd be guessing they were at the hospital anyway.

When I had my only baby (CS section), my inlaws all turned up at the hospital the next day (they live 200 miles away) and stayed all day! Then they turned up the next day too to watch me crying as the baby blues started.

Stick to your guns!

There is a difference between saying "X is in labour" and "X is in labour so come down to the hospital".

The fair compromise is DH can tell people via text/phone (not social media) that you are in labour (with the caveat to please to post this on social media). Then you can have visitors on Day 2 (or whenever you want it).

You still get your private time. The only thing is DH has to be ironclad that you will not allow any visitors before the agreed time.

I would've gone apeshit if my DH had told anyone I'd gone into labour. Luckily he wanted the privacy with me anyway.

I was in labour for more than a day, knowing my mother and my MIL, if they had knew I was in labour they would be calling asking for updates every 20 minutes, asking how far along I was, making suggestions on how to do it better or telling me what I was doing wrong. No thanks!

... actually, they do all that, every time I am in a radius of 100 miles from them, birth or no birth 🤔

Not everyone's families are respectfulenough to stay out of the way and not pester during the labour, and in the time immediately after. I don't have a mobile phoneso it's not simply a case of switching that off/putting it on silent. We can't unplug the landline, as we're planning a home birth, and need to be able to communicate with the midwives.

Ditto with the idea of 'just tell them not to put it on social media'. We've said this EVERY TIME we've shared something pregnancy/baby/birth related, yet they don't fucking listen. It goes on anyway, regardless of what we say. Sometimes the only solution is to not give them the opportuity to invade your privacy/share your news/turn up uninvited in the first place.

You are very right on that Peapod, some are totally useless when it comes to consideration for other people. I remember a woman barging into our maternity ward at 3am saying loudly “I am a nan!”.

I assume she was at the birth with the woman but what the heck? No respect at all, for her DD/SIL or any of us who had just given birth. 3am! 3!

I'm like you - I really got fed up of the nosiness and didn't tell anyone. Once DS was born DH phoned his parents and I was shocked when they wanted to come and visit the next morning (DS was born late at night) and said No. I relented in the end as I felt a bit better as time went on. My family didn't turn up until 5 days later (at the weekend) which I know many would think was too long but I genuinely didn't mind. With DD we had to tell in laws as we'd arranged for them to babysit DS. They'd obviously learnt their lesson as they took their cue from us rather than pushing to come over.
A colleague at work totally blew me away, though, when their daughter had her baby - both sets of grandparents-to-be hared it down to the hospital and WAITED OUTSIDE the delivery suite while she went through labour, ready to meet their new grandchild as soon as it arrived!

I think it's a bit unreasonable to tell no one. You could make clear, no visitors until day x.

^This

Women are so socialised to always put other people before them. Even when in the act of pushing a new human being out of their vagina and risking death doing so.

Sandy I'd be deeply offended anyone wanted to pray for me. Is the OP a Christian?

I feel your husband should be putting your wishes first...
This says it all to me. The wishes of the woman in labour should always be put first (other than for good medical reasons, of course) and this covers that. It doesn't matter why the OP feels the way she does, she has her reasons. End of story.