To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

It really depends what his pils are going to do with the information or whether they can just be at the end of a phone if required.

Dh and I told no one. There’s only his father and my mother is a narcissist. My pregnancy became all about hers (35 years before) blow by blow every time I talked to her. My back hurt. Hers was worse. Of course (except it wasn’t I was in a really bad way). I had nausea, I had swollen legs, hers was worse etc etc. Everything was about her. She wanted to talk to me every day from when I was less than 7 months and I gave that one short shrift. I think I would have ended up in a psychiatric hospital had I been forced to do so. No exaggeration.

No way was I letting her know about my Labour and making it all about her. I knew it would be tough because of my state of health. My body was in such shock that the midwives let me stay in the birthing suite for 4.5 hours after til shift change then wheelchaired me to the bed.

You don't know how long the labour will last. Does he really want his family sitting nervously for two days worrying if something awful has happened. And when the baby is born you'll feel like you have to call them straight away when you might just want an hour or two to recover first. It's a lot of pressure.

My dsis told my parents when she was in labour. They said the wait was awful. I just called with the birth news and they said they preferred that.

Chances are, you'll have a straightforward delivery within a day of going in, but it might not go that way and the pressure of everyone waiting by the phone would feel awful to me.

Ouais I read it wrong and thought you'd just had a baby 3 hours ago and was in awe of you! Realise now it was a few years ago!

I am at some of these posts. The woman being frozen out because she chose not to tell everyone she was in labour... oh my goodness.

And as for rocking up at the hospital to wait... . Do people actually do that?? I thought that only happened on Corrie!

It became pretty obvious what was going on when me and DH didn't turn up at a friends for a meal and that was fine... but labour went on and on and we told everyone when we were ready. No one has a right to know you've gone into labour. I wanted it to be just me, DH and our PFB!

When no. 2 came along my DM came up to look after DC1 but no one else knew.

All this was a long time ago, before mobiles and social media and I am so so glad I had that private time without the world and his brother knowing every detail. We didn't tell anyone names beforehand (really don't understand why ppl do that), nor the sex, nor that I went into labour... it must be so much harder to manage all of this now but it can be done if that's what you want.

Honestly, it seems a bit controlling, it will not impact on you at all. Please put your phone away, I'm in labour is one thing, do not send that text regardless of what is going on, even if I'm in the loo, is another.

Good luck with your labour though.

Gosh I’m due no2 in a few weeks - why on earth would I tell anyone I’m in labour? It wouldn’t do anyone any good to be sitting around waiting for a phone to ring.

As for praying for you, I’d tell your husband to ask his family to light a blessed candle for you around the time of your delivery (which I’m assuming will be soon) and they can say a prayer for you every day - I come from a religious family and that’s what my parents would do.

YANBU.

You are not putting on a piece of theatre for the family.

The ILs can pray for you any time.

It wouldn't do you any harm to have your husband send one text to one person saying, "We're going in now. My phone's going to be switched off and I'll let you know when it's all over. Don't panic!"
HollowTalk

This is very sensible. You could add, "We'll let you know afterwards when ROTFLBSST will be up for visitors"

Is there literally no time in life when women can expect to be front and centre, listened to and their wishes honoured, no time when they are not expected to smile and accommodate the feelings of every Tom, Dick and Harry and set their own preferences aside?

Running roughshod over the feelings and instincts of the mother to be and new mother as if her none of her feelings about details of her labour and post partum preferences matter and those of others do can have a huge psychological impact on women. They can also have terrible reverberations on the marital relationship for years.

The assertion that telling a pregnant wife what to do about her own labour, ignoring her preferences and being livid with her, and especially putting the wants of his parents before the needs and wants of his wife will have no impact on the woman is not borne out by experience on the part of many women.

My aunt ranted at me because we told her we werent planning on telling anyone. What the truth was was that no one was telling her. Not after constant texts and calls when i went overdue. Sadly she is a flapper and we knew we would get mobbed by her.

In the end dh put his phone away anyway. No one found out until several hours after because i had been rushed into surgery and dh had better things to focus on then a phone.

Id put your phones on silent OP. I know why if hes the kind who obsessively uses, you dont want anyone told. You will be wanting his support and he will be focused on his bloody phone.

I am a private person and get where you are coming from. In my labours it didn't actually occur to me to tell anyone I was in labour - not least as it was the middle of the night. But of course told people once the baby arrived. That said I think the key here is communication and discussing with your husband how he feels and how you feel. Personally if his family want to pray I would set aside my feeling and not stop him telling them. My bigger gripe would be if there was some social media announcement or he spent his time during labour on Facebook or providing continual updates. Perhaps let him know you would like it to be just you and him at the labour not you, him and his entire family. The reality though is that if he lets them know then it would be unkind not to provide some update if the labour is long! Talk it through.

Is User02 in a cult?????

I had a planned induction. Went in at 8am but several emergencies meant I was delayed until 4pm and then it took 24 hours to happen. But after my waters went at 6am I was strapped down to a monitor unable to move as they couldn’t find the heart rate any other way.

My parents and best friend got themselves into such a state worrying and texting as they hadn’t heard anything. ExP isn’t a phone person so he didn’t notice but if he’d been on his phone all the time I’d have hit the roof. I wasn’t the most reasonable in labour!

ToPlan7 No there is no cult. Just saying that the person I talked about wanted her birth to be a secret but blew up when someone else wanted their thing kept secret. It is a way of life now to this person. What she wants must be obeyed but when she wants something usually money her demand must be met fast. All I am saying is be fair. Dont use people as and when you want and ignore them at other times. As regards her births I have obeyed her preferences. I have never pushed in just done as I was told in all family births.

ToPlan
Idk. But user02 doesn’t seem to have a concept that people may need privacy away from prying family or due to disability/ illness. And of course it way just bite you from the bum if you don’t comply with her view of things.

Personally if his family want to pray I would set aside my feeling and not stop him telling them.
Why the fuck should their wish to pray trump OP's wish for privacy?

The baby is on the way now. People can pray now. Nothing stopping them.

Letting them know is only right. It doesn’t mean they’ll come down or that you have to speak to them on the phone. I wouldn’t fall out with your husband about this. It’s his baby too and you’re going to need support from everyone in the next few months.

Grrrrr...I hate people praying for me. Fuck off with your praying. It isn't uplifting, it's pushing their own agenda and feeling superior. A friend ran a B&B and had a bunch of holy rollers staying. One took hold of my arm as I passed and asked if he could pray for me. I said no, I didn't believe in anything. They were just leaving, and a minute later he tapped on the window and asked for a bag he'd forgotten. I passed it out to him, he grabbed my arm and held it and forcibly prayed. I felt absolutely violated. The penny has just dropped as I typed this that leaving the bag was a ruse to get me within arm's reach again. Yuck.

The PP who said her phone was a life line in the hours of boring labour - you do know there are these things called books? Magazines, newspapers, puzzles, TV... Lots of things to distract you that do not involve FB, SM, texting, phones of any sort?

And the in-laws can pray from now - the baby has been in the world (in their eyes) from the moment the first cell divided. Why haven't they been praying all this time?

I really don't get why people expect to be told when someone's in labour. It's the woman's body, and her job, to get the baby out. No amount of praying or texting will help, unfortunately.

My dsis told my parents when she was in labour. They said the wait was awful. I just called with the birth news and they said they preferred that.
This ^^ If they have to wait for hours / days they'll be up the wall (or on the phone / popping along). They can pray ahead of time - God will realise! If DH needs support he can ring them at that point but once things start kicking off his priority needs to be OP (and their baby), not relatives.

I didn't want to tell anyone, but DH stays at his parents house 2 nights a week to reduce commuting. I went into labour one of these nights, so his parents new. MIL was too inpatient to wait for an update and rang just as I was pushing DD out, obviously it went unanswered but somewhat spoilt my focus. It shouldn't really matter in the scheme of things, DD is just perfect, but it will be a lasting memory of the final moments of DDs birth.

I personally wouldn't tell anyone and remember to put yours and DH phone on silence.

It’s up to the patient who knows when they are admitted to hospital. When the dh is the patient he can tell whoever he wants. When his child is the patient he can tell whoever he wants but while op is the patient it’s up to her. Yes ok a baby is going to be born but until it is it’s the op medics appointments/admissions and that’s her business.

Maybe your DH feels like he wants the support? I don’t think it’s anything you should argue over.

Tell him that is ok to tell them but that you don’t want visits at the hospital at all. I think that I would find infuriating, at the end of the day, I can avoid social media if necessary.

If he disagrees with this, tell him that there are hardly any other moment when a woman need to be the one deciding how much privacy she wants. It is not his call, he is not the one with the pain, exhaustion and painful body afterwards.

Actually, don’t talk to him... explain the above to your MIL, much higher chance for her to understand where are you coming from.

Dud the OP put a lost that the baby is on the way? If so I hope it all goes very smoothly for you.