To not tell everyone when I'm in labour, DH livid

[ROTFLBSST]

I'm currently overdue and experiencing the constant barrage from friends and family of 'any movements', 'baby on the way yet?' 'Make sure to tell us when you're off to hospital'. I know it's a reflection of people caring but still...it's infuriating.

It's our first DC so wanted us to have some time (say half a day) as a three before telling everyone, said this to DH last night and he went quiet saying his family had asked to know when we're on the way to the hospital so they can pray for us. Explained that I want us to focus on the birth (hard to avoid I know) and not social media and left it at that. When making dinner this eve I raised it again and he was livid, said I didn't push last night but he doesn't understand why I don't want his family to know. They care and it's happy news why keep it from them? He's adamant on telling them when things kick off.

I really get on well with his family so it's not that at all. I'm not planning on telling any of my friends or family either until little one is here and we're all OK. I'm also a lot more private than my DH though to be fair, I don't like our news being spread like gossip.

Aibu to ask him to do this for me? I realise it's an event for us both but in the reverse situation I know I'd respect his wishes.

Does your husband want his family to pray whilst you are in labour?

I just have visions of them all turning up to pray in situ!

If they wish to pray for a safe delivery for you & the baby I'm not sure why that has to be happening whilst you are actually in labour tbh.

Why is the opening of your cervix news? Surely the bit that family are interested in is the baby, so announce the arrival when it happens. Until that point it really isn't anyone's business.
And no, husband doesn't get a say. Not until the baby has left your body. The process of which is entirely all about you.

The birth of a child is not gossip. It’s a blessing and I think you are being selfish in your way of thinking.
Have you read many Mumsnet threads on births? There are plenty of MILs etc. who think nothing of turning up at the hospital uninvited or come round when they're home and expect feeding when the new mum is still recovering & has a new born demanding attention.

Why is the opening of your cervix news?

LOL!!

There will be balloons and cards in Clintons tomorrow!

I would argue that his family don't have to know so that they can pray-they would like to.

Who constitues "his family"?

Who would he be telling & who would they be telling?

Quick phone call to his parents then nothing until you tell them that baby has arrived-maybe OK.

Of course if you go into labour in the very early hours then I think ringing around would be fine

With updates every hour!

You’re being really PFB about this. Would I want to know if my grandchild was on the way? Hell yes. He can let them know and tell them he’ll be in touch when the baby has arrived then simply mute his phone.

I hated the thought of people knowing when I was in labour. I feel like it's extra pressure somehow. I admit it's no doubt silly and people have better things to do than be talking about me and wondering how I'm doing but I'm a very private person and hate people knowing my business at the best of times. Even with a small family I didn't want people knowing til baby was born, and that was with everyone knowing they weren't to visit til invited. It would not help me to relax and put me on edge by knowing people knew and were itching for details/pictures/visits. I really felt sorry for Kate having this extra pressure of the whole world knowing and just waiting for mews...

Spoke to DH about it more this afternoon. Few points he made were:

• it is time related, it's not just prayer but reading specific passages before baby is born so my point of they will be praying for us anyway isn't valid.
• his family would ask why they weren't told we were going in, they would think I'm really strange.
• it's happy news so why not tell them.
• it's his choice to tell his family, it's my choice not to tell mine.

His family are very close, he wants to make them happy which is fine. I'm just upset that he's going to tell them no matter what.
We have compromised somewhat in that he'll wait until labour is properly established so there's hopefully a minimum of waiting until baby is born.

@Mousefunky I have to disagree it's not because it's a PFB, I wouldn't expect future DC to tell me when labour starts as it's a private event and I would be happy to find out once baby and mum are ready.

Thanks all for your well wishes 

"We have compromised somewhat in that he'll wait until labour is properly established so there's hopefully a minimum of waiting until baby is born"

I'm not sure that I'd bother with that tbh.

I'd get them told so that he can then forget about it & concentrate on you.

Presumably they are adults who know that babies can take a while.

@diddl I know what you mean, I was thinking it would hopefully minimise the time they don't hear anything after the hopefully single message being told labour is underway and therefore worrying. Sorry you asked earlier who constitutes family, would be everyone on his side as the more people praying the better as I understand it.

Stop thinking about others!

You have agreed to tell them-that should be enough.

I was fed this line and my ex mil turned up before I did at the hospital and stayed till I'd had my baby then barged into maternity hdu to see him without my consent

I have compromised somewhat in that he'll wait until labour is properly established so there's hopefully a minimum of waiting until baby is born.

People know that labour can take hours. Especially first babies.

I think each of your DHs points are spot on.

Sandy I'd be deeply offended anyone wanted to pray for me. Is the OP a Christian?

I have no idea... but no doubt she knows her in-laws are. If religion or prayer offends one so much ...then I'd say it's best to marry someone who shares those views.

I just have visions of your husband not focussing on you & it will be all-"should I tell them yet?" "How about now?"

Hopefully I'm wrong.

I understand that he & maybe you don't want to offend them, but they won't change anything whether they start praying when you have your first twinge/waters break, whatever & I actually think it's very selfish of them to say that they must be informed because they must chant x,y,z with as many people as possible.

We didn't tell anyone when we were in labour and I'm so glad that we didn't because our baby unexpectantly had to be rushed to intensive care after being born, he quickly got out the woods though, thank heaven's, but not telling people meant we could tell people the baby was here and everything ok rather than baby was here and in icu and not sure if all was going to be ok. It was much less pressure for me this way and the fully my DH understood.

Hopefully, he'll be so busy once the birth gets underway that he'll not have time to text them.

Still RTFT :)

@perfectionistchaos a watched pot indeed!! 

@Laurel543 Glad this has helped you somewhat as your also due soon :) good luck with your birth

@GreenTulips have to agree with everything you've posted!

@Pandoraphile Hehehe funnily enough would be happy to update you guys!! Love a good birth thread

To answer a few PPs no I'm not personally religious, DH and his family are.

If he'd told me he didn't want me talking to friends or being on my phone in labour I would have told him to sod off. I was only in active labour 41 minutes. I was arsing around with contractions for 12 hours. Without my phone, a book and the tv I would have been bored witless. Labour is painful during contractions, but in between is just bloody tedious.

This is exactly why I WOULDN'T tell people I was going into labour. It's just going to mean that they're sitting at home (or worse, in a hospital waiting room) twiddling their thumbs and feeling anxious AND bored until you come out with a healthy baby. In my opinion it's more considerate to let people know once they baby's arived safely.

If your DH calls them to say labour is starting and then there's radio silence for 24 hours they could get freaked out and create unnecessary stress for themselves as well as you

Also, slightly off topic but it is time related, it's not just prayer but reading specific passages before baby is born so my point of they will be praying for us anyway isn't valid.

Can't they say those specific prayers now? That way they will still be saying them BEFORE the birth....

Labour is a natural physical process that is happening to YOU and YOUR body. Not his, not his parents. Therefore you get to decide who gets told, and when.

My mother specifically asked not to be told when I went into labour because she would just worry and fret. But my (now X) H rang her and told her anyway - because he was a jerk.

When you are in hospital going through labour, you have a right to privacy just like any other person in hospital.

There is no right or wrong in this situation. You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do, as is he. He just wants to share the good news with family.

A lot depends on whether they would turn up in the hospital to wait. If so, then I agree with not telling them. If it's just a case of them waiting excitedly then it probably won't matter when all is said and done.

I actually didn't mind ILs knowing as they live an hour and a half away and I know they would have respected our space. It was my own family I didn't want knowing as they would have been harassing my DP for updated and turned up at the hospital (just over excited about their first grandchild). As it happens, things started happening during late evening. We decided to see how things progressed and if I was still in labour the next morning, I would have let family know. I honestly thought it would take aaaages. By 3am, the hospital wanted me to go in to be assessed as I couldn't cope at home anymore then thought we'd wait to see what they said incase we got sent back home (genuinely thought I was still in early labour as my contractions had no rhyme or rhythm) by 5am, DS hurriedly arrived as it was all very quick and overwhelming. We rung everyone at 7am with the happy news we didn't really have a chance to ring beforehand. Next time we'd have to let family know though as they will be looking after DS. My point is, just go with the flow and see what happens.

I hate this idea that a woman losing any kind of autonomy and becomes some sort of public property just because she is having a baby, yes your DH is the babay's father and after babay s born he will be able to fulfill his parental role and will have a say in bringing up your child.

But until the child is in the world it is part of you and your body and you get to make the decisions, that the prerogative of the person pushing a big old baby out of their nethers. When men find a way of doing that, they can start making labour chices

How interesting that some see a desire for privacy as “secrecy”