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Original poster

How to tell childless friend I'm pregnant?

113 replies

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 27/04/2018 16:40

I'm 14 weeks pregnant. We haven't told anyone yet due to potential complications and would prefer to wait until after the anomaly scan.

I have a good school friend who desperately wants a child and after a miscarriage, they have so far been unsuccessful with IVF (they have been attempting for several years). She shut herself away and basically cut herself off from anyone with kids (including her sister).
We have common ground in that I was referred to ACS with my previous partner. We were unable to conceive and I was told that it would be unlikely that I could do so naturally (but I now have), so I was there to listen to what she was going through and to sympathise.

I don't see her very often, but a few of us are meeting this weekend and obviously I won't be drinking. I've already made my excuses for that, but I don't know whether I should take her aside later and tell her the truth. I know she'll be upset, but I worry that she'll be more upset if the conversation tonight revolves around her fertility (as it quite often does) and I withhold this from her. The other thing is that it's a belated birthday celebration for her, so on the other hand, I'd feel bad to potentially spoil it for her.

I know that she won't be upset with me, but I feel that she's finally starting to deal with her issues and I don't want to set her back. Minefield.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/04/2018 16:43

Don’t tell her face to face. If you’re not drinking she’ll assume you’re pregnant anyway, even if you think your excuses are convincing.

It would be better to send her a text at a time when you know she’s home.

Moominfan · 27/04/2018 16:44

You sound a really thoughtful friend. Id tell her separate from the others or maybe even pre warn her

FilledSoda · 27/04/2018 16:44

I agree with purple.
Do not do this face to face

Original poster
Masterofkarateandfriendship · 27/04/2018 16:46

purple/soda - why not face to face? I'm not sure about a text....

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 27/04/2018 16:47

Hi OP, congratulations💐💐,
I would probably let your friend know privately before hand.

Original poster
Masterofkarateandfriendship · 27/04/2018 16:47

Thanks Moominfan Blush

OP posts:
IveGotNoClothes · 27/04/2018 16:48

I had a friend who struggled with fertility. We had just got back in contact after a few years of no contact.

I decided to tell her over text as I couldn't do it face to face, I didn't want to look "smug" or for her to not want to see me again.

She was amazing about it, her words were "my time will come eventually". She fell pregnant just as I had my DS, her baby is exactly 9 months to day younger than mine.

ThereAreTooMany · 27/04/2018 16:48

I’ve learnt from Mumsnet that it’s literally impossible to know what is best. Some people aren’t bothered at all and can’t understamd why you would treat them differently from anyone else, other
S think face to face, others think email and others think you should involve third parties..... and unfortuanately you can’t know the right option..

In their words I don’t think it’s worth agonizing about.

Personally I’d give her a phone call and let her know.

Lifeontheoceanwave · 27/04/2018 16:48

Firstly congratulations on your news and wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy Under no circumstances tell her to her face. Text her the give her chance to scream and cry. And give her the chance to pull out as it sounds like this her coping mechanism. Tell the others by text and say it would be best not to discuss your wonderful news too much in front of your friend (although highly suspect she won’t come)

PurpleDaisies · 27/04/2018 16:49

If you go to the infertility board, you’ll see that’s how people prefer to be told.

It’s awful being told face to face because you don’t have time to get your “this is awful, why isn’t it me, why is there another pregnant friend I have to see all the time, life is just rubbish” initial reaction out in private before you can do your fake smiles. It’s a horrible position to be in.

Original poster
Masterofkarateandfriendship · 27/04/2018 16:49

ghanagirl I think she'd call it off if she knew beforehand. She's only just started socialising again and I don't want to put a spanner in the works...

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 27/04/2018 16:49

I think face to face or telephone call much better than a text or "Whatsapp" as things get lost in translation.

showgirl · 27/04/2018 16:49

Because with a text she can cry swear and be pissed of with the situation without having to pretend she is happy for you. (She will of course be happy for you but she needs that private time to air her sadness and anger.)

DanceDisaster · 27/04/2018 16:50

I think you should phone or text / email beforehand. I imagine hearing that out of the blue on a night out could be distressing and she’ll then have to put on a brave face for the rest of the night.

PurpleDaisies · 27/04/2018 16:51

I think face to face or telephone call much better than a text or "Whatsapp" as things get lost in translation.

What could get lost in translation? All the message needs to say is, I’m pregnant, baby due whenever.

Original poster
Masterofkarateandfriendship · 27/04/2018 16:51

purple I haven't looked there yet. Thanks for the info! I see why now - I thought it was a bit impersonal, but if it was me, I'd probably want the privacy to cry/scream/swear

OP posts:
DanceDisaster · 27/04/2018 16:51

I think she'd call it off if she knew beforehand. She's only just started socialising again and I don't want to put a spanner in the works

Having seen this I definitely don’t think you should tell her face to face on the night. Either leave it till another day or let her know in advance.

womanhuman · 27/04/2018 16:51

Tell her by text beforehand. Tell her you’re telling her because you understand it might be hard for her to hear. Give her a chance to process it privately so she can put her game face on.

Buzzlightyearsbumchin · 27/04/2018 16:51

I agree. Not face to face. She will need time to process this privately. She may be upset or angry but will have to put on a smile for you which would be unfair to her or she may be unable to put a smile on and cry which would be unfair for both of you. Text or email her.

NewSense · 27/04/2018 16:53

I'd say not face to face because when I heard pregnancy news when we were in the throes of infertility appointments, all I wanted to do was cry. Even if I was happy for the couple, it always just seemed unfair. So being able to cry, then write a congratulations message that hopefully sounded genuine was much better.

Being told face to face meant I either let my own sadness show - which somewhat ruins the moment for the news giver, or I had to put on a hopefully convincing happy show, which I absolutely was not feeling.

So a text message means she can react how she wants without a text my pressure to put on a performance.

Once I was told in front of a room of people who already knew, and they were all watching for my reaction... that really sucked.

NewSense · 27/04/2018 16:54

I type so slowly. Loads of others explained the text thing more succinctly!

HeyDolly · 27/04/2018 16:54

I’m in pretty much the same situation OP. Was going to send a text to my friend but have no idea how to word it. What did you put in your text ivenoclothes?

peneleope82 · 27/04/2018 16:57

Just to echo others but please don't do it face to face or over the phone. Text her at a time she's likely to be home with her partner so she can have her reaction in private. We had recurrent miscarriage including one very late on before we had our living children and that's what I preferred.

FutureFairyCrayon · 27/04/2018 16:59

Congratulations.

I've been on both sides of this particular situation and I would definitely not tell her face to face. It is horrible to have to smile brightly and wish someone 'congratulations' when you just want to cry/shout/rail at the unfairness of it all.

I had friends who I was unable to bear seeing during their entire pregnancies, which seems awful to me now, but was essential to my mental health at the time. Once they had their babies it was fine, but I just found it impossible to be around pregnant women because I wanted what they had so much. Some of those friendships did not survive.

When I finally had a successful 20 week scan I told three friends, who I thought might find the news similarly difficult, via individual emails. All sent me lovely replies, and thanked me for letting them know personally.

Eliza9917 · 27/04/2018 17:01

I'd text and offer to not attend as it's her do, don't let her cancel it.